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NATO Celebrates Record 34th Taliban Commander KilledMay 14, 2007 |
Kandahar, Afghanistan Junior Bacon Secretary-General of the U.N. Kofi Annan celebrates the landmark 34th Taliban Commander killed by NATO forces with Anwar Badru, winner of M-TV's "Shake Hands With Kofi Annan" contest.
"Clearly we've demonstrated without a doubt that we can kill as many Taliban leaders as they can throw at us," said NATO spokesman Sgt. Buddy Means, as he and other NATO officials popped the cork on a bottle of wine at the Dead Taliban Commander impromptu party.
Dadullah was killed by Afghan police and army forces in Afghanistan's Helmand Province, with the help of NATO air support. He had been named head of the Taliban following the March 15th death of for...
n Sunday, NATO and Afghan forces announced a new victory over rebel Taliban forces with the slaying of Taliban Commander Mullah Dadullah. More than that, NATO celebrated a personal landmark by killing the 34th consecutive Taliban Commander, the highest number of enemy forces commanders killed one after the other. "Clearly we've demonstrated without a doubt that we can kill as many Taliban leaders as they can throw at us," said NATO spokesman Sgt. Buddy Means, as he and other NATO officials popped the cork on a bottle of wine at the Dead Taliban Commander impromptu party. Dadullah was killed by Afghan police and army forces in Afghanistan's Helmand Province, with the help of NATO air support. He had been named head of the Taliban following the March 15th death of former Commander Zinzy Habullah, who himself had represented a then-record 33rd consecutive Taliban Commander killed, a blow that crippled anti-American Taliban forces well up to 72 hours, until Dadullah's promotion. The Taliban, a militant Islamic group who had led Afghanistan until the U.S. invasion of 2001, as well as allegedly hid terrorist Osama Bin Laden within its borders, has since been a haven for anti-Western rebels and Democracy haters alike. Dadullah's death was described as a strike against the Taliban that will hinder the organization, and its biggest military loss since the last time NATO forces stuck it to them. Afghan government spokesman Khaleeq Ahmad described the death of Dadullah as a military success that "will kill the morale of the [Taliban]." In a succinct summary of Afghanistan's response to the leader's death, Ahmad said, "We are happy he is not alive anymore. Before, when he was alive, we were distinctly unhappy. Since that had changed, there has been a net increase in our overall happiness. Previously, we in the Afghanistan were quite unhappy and we believe the Taliban was happy because we were not happy and he was still alive, which made him happy? Now? Not so much the happy for him and the Taliban. We, however, have experience a significant happiness gain." "Killing one Taliban Commander was always a dream of mine," said director NATO forces in Afghanistan Gen. William Flampants Sunday. "But to kill 34? It's much more than I ever could have dreamed. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that will get to the big 3-5 next!"U.S. general Myron Stofer described the 34th Taliban Commander killing as a "personal best," easily trouncing his previous record of 32 heads of the Iraqi insurgency. Mullah Dadullah was preceded in death by former Taliban Commanders Zinzy Habullah, Shabba Nazuna, Rafullah Al-Badallah, Guella Transattah, Macho Kabala, Jhada Stantoplabada, Fozzy Boombozzi, Ginalla Walla, Dallah Polla Impala, Sadir Al-Funtallah, Shimi Shammy Al-Pajami, Fadabi Scradi Adi, Boomwati Al-Mahtalli, Bada Botta Bada, Grizallah Priscilla, Foolah Medulla Oblongata, Buntapa Al-Moppa, Zenyatta Mondatta, Faka Mata-Faka, Zahir Bin Lama, Tullah Donna Al-Galla, Paula Abdullah, Amir Batallah, Latka Gravas, Pinzalla Rapallah, Avatah Dudallah Dallah, Rama Bin Stattah, Allah Donbattah, Jadir Sufstata, Grallah Biz-Allah, Chad Perkins, and Famir Fallah Fallah Fallah. If you have a rhythmical name and would like to lead an anti-Western terrorist group, call the Taliban and apply immediately. the commune news applauds the frequent and violent extermination of enemies of the state, and hopes the seat has a chance to get cold before they replace this one. Foreign Correspondent Ivan Nacutchacokov also believes we are close to a victory in this War on Terror, and sure wouldn't mind coming home to the States after years abroad covering said War, seeing as we're so close to the end and all.
 |  May 7, 2007 |
ORANGEBURG, SC JUNIOR BACON Clinton thrills Southern audiences with her Yosemite Sam impression
This latest incident follows a strong trend for Clinton over the last few weeks, leading pundits to suggest she's attempting to poach votes from Democratic challenger and authentic southerner John Edwards, knowing full well that a Democrat who can't carry the South has as much of a chance at the presidency as a black man from… oh. Nevermind.
Adding fuel to the fiery allegations, Clinton appeared at a rally in Raleigh last week wearing a NASCAR hat, and proceeded to...
acing charges of pandering to Southerners by affecting a fake drawl when speaking to audiences in the South, presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton responded to reporters this week with an angry retort of "Shoo, I ayne got no suuthurn assent, y'all" before spitting on the floor and leaving the room. This latest incident follows a strong trend for Clinton over the last few weeks, leading pundits to suggest she's attempting to poach votes from Democratic challenger and authentic southerner John Edwards, knowing full well that a Democrat who can't carry the South has as much of a chance at the presidency as a black man from… oh. Nevermind. Adding fuel to the fiery allegations, Clinton appeared at a rally in Raleigh last week wearing a NASCAR hat, and proceeded to pepper her speech with references to country music songs by Clint Black and Toby Keith. Even more strikingly, Clinton spoke to a group of campaign donors in Charleston a few days later, smoking a pipe and ordering around several people of color dressed as servants onstage. "I don't know where she gets her ideas," questioned Tim Linenbrook, Professor of Cultural Studies at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee. "No one in recorded history, Southern or otherwise, has ever acted like Hillary apparently thinks we Southerners act. In spite of having lived in Arkansas for years, she seems to have formed her impression of the South from a mix of Deliverance and The Dukes of Hazzard." Clinton's detractors insist this is not a new behavior for the senator from New York, citing numerous incidents in which the former first lady appeared to pander to African-American audiences by incorporating clichéd and very incorrect forms of Ebonics into her speech and adopting very broadly stereotypical behaviors. The most notorious example of which may have been an appearance in Chicago in March, when Clinton ended her speech by shouting "Fuck tha police!" and tossing buckets of KFC into the crowd. Leaders from the Latino community in Los Angeles also took issue with Clinton's decision to issue her entire speech at that campaign stop in the form of graffiti spray-painted onto road signs above the 405 freeway. Valley girl advocates (yes, they exist, and we found them) also charge that Clinton pulled the same trick when speaking at a fundraiser in Orange County three weeks ago, popping her gum loudly while speaking about Medicare and using the word "like" seventy-eight times over the course of four minutes. "What-EVER," Clinton responded when questioned about her dubious Southern California speech patterns. Political pundits across the spectrum, however, admit that they're on the edge of their seats in anticipation of Clinton's upcoming speaking engagement in Whippany, New Jersey, a town noted for its unusually high concentration of Kazak immigrants, since Clinton is rumored to do an absolutely killer Borat impression. the commune news has often been accused of typing with a Southern accent to appeal to our readers in the South, but this impression is usually caused by undiscerning readers stumbling across our special commune for kids editions, in which we dumb everything down to sub-retard levels to boost our readership in daycare centers and Oklahoma. Lil Duncan is the commune's Washington correspondent, and screamed "OH GOD YES!" is three different accents while on location reporting this story.
|  'Paris Hilton Autopsy' Sculpture Signed to Three-Picture Deal  Poison Probe Reveals 90% of Packaged Foods Actually Dog Food  Merck: "Crazy-Ass Brazil Giving AIDS Drugs to People With No Money"  Climatologists Cross Legs Uncomfortably at Mention of Bangkok Conference |
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 May 14, 2007 Wears the BeefHot damn said the devil, it's time for another ass-puckeringly sweet edition of Reflections of a Goocher! I'm your host, Stu Umbrage, and that guy walking by the window has nothing whatsoever to do with this column, ignore him completely. Our first guest tonight is noted poet and man of letters, Sir Sheldon Bivouac.
SU: Greetings, Sir Bivouac, how are you?
SB: Few of us can answer the question of our existence, Stu, the how or the why of it anyhow. The where and when are easy, perhaps even the which. But the-
SU: Riiiiiight. But have you ever considered this: What do you call a vegan that refuses to grow milk thistle?
SB: Huh?
SU: A vetard.
SB: Riiiiight. Anyway Stu, I came...
º Last Column: Gwar of the Worlds
º more columns
Hot damn said the devil, it's time for another ass-puckeringly sweet edition of Reflections of a Goocher! I'm your host, Stu Umbrage, and that guy walking by the window has nothing whatsoever to do with this column, ignore him completely. Our first guest tonight is noted poet and man of letters, Sir Sheldon Bivouac. SU: Greetings, Sir Bivouac, how are you? SB: Few of us can answer the question of our existence, Stu, the how or the why of it anyhow. The where and when are easy, perhaps even the which. But the- SU: Riiiiiight. But have you ever considered this: What do you call a vegan that refuses to grow milk thistle? SB: Huh? SU: A vetard. SB: Riiiiight. Anyway Stu, I came on today to read from my latest collection of poems, Rape Ape. This first one is called "A Confederacy of Dulcets": "I ran Sidney Brace bandage itated Koppel grant farms race in the hole Milwaukee ping-" SU: Sorry to interrupt you, SB, but we've got to break for a commercial. Do you ever get that "Not so French" feeling?
-Oui oui, monsieur!
Well now there's a French dressing that doubles as an invigorating douche, only from Hellman's.
-Mon Dieu!
SU: And we're back! Let's see what's on the radio, shall we? -CLICK- I've got a peeeeeaceful, greasy feeeeeling…-CLICK- -eh, on second thought, fuck that. You'll have to bear with us for a moment, ladies and gentlemen, apparently there's a Spaniard loose in the rafters and they're attempting to gas him out as we speak. Though I believe the gas they chose was helium, apparently that's all we had handy, so if you come across a chipmunk-talking Spaniard please just hand over your car keys so we can get on with the show. We apologize for any inconvenience folks. I had recommended smoking the Spaniard out, but apparently he doesn't smoke. Oh, nope, the taser got him. And hindsight being what it is, we probably should have put down some rubber gym mats or a trampoline or something, because the old wives tales you've heard about a Spaniard always landing on his feet apparently don't apply to ones that have been electroshocked into drooling unconsciousness. I'm not sure the trampoline would have saved him, but at least we would have got some circus-style entertainment out of the deal, rather than this answer to the unasked question of what would happen if you took a ball bat to a meat-filled piñata. I'm sorry folks, that's all the time we have this week, and we have to arrange for a Zamboni to come in and clean up this mess, but be sure to tune in next time when our special guest will be the guy who invented dogs. º Last Column: Gwar of the Worldsº more columns | 
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Milestones1969: Rok Finger is deeply offended by the sights at Woodstock, which has little if anything to do with his favorite Peanuts character.Now HiringTrombone Player. Follow Bludney Pudd around office playing hilarious "wahnt-WAHNT" everytime he does something pathetic. Overtime guaranteed.Best 90's Nostalgia Collections| 1. | Grunge AGAIN! | | 2. | Bitch-Slapped By Gangsta Rap | | 3. | Golden Memories... Yeah, Right | | 4. | They Sold Out At Woodstock '94 | | 5. | Where Were They Then? | |
|   Former CIA Director Doesn’t Know Sports BY orson welch 5/7/2007 We’re heading into the biggest blockbuster summer in the last few years like a cannonball, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get the jump on me just because they’re too afraid to send me screeners of their mega-hit films. I’m going to go ahead and review these highly anticipated money-munchers based on the trailers alone. Unfair, you say? Just beating the other critics to the punch, since they made up their minds before they saw the films, too. See how right I’ll be.
Spider-Man 3
Safe money’s on this little colorful costume nugget to reap the big bucks. Some people say it cost about $300 million to make, some people say the actors were hardly necessary. Like the other Spider-Men, this one will no doubt make a fling at a story and super-hero...
We’re heading into the biggest blockbuster summer in the last few years like a cannonball, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get the jump on me just because they’re too afraid to send me screeners of their mega-hit films. I’m going to go ahead and review these highly anticipated money-munchers based on the trailers alone. Unfair, you say? Just beating the other critics to the punch, since they made up their minds before they saw the films, too. See how right I’ll be.
Spider-Man 3
Safe money’s on this little colorful costume nugget to reap the big bucks. Some people say it cost about $300 million to make, some people say the actors were hardly necessary. Like the other Spider-Men, this one will no doubt make a fling at a story and super-hero angst, but what you’re really going for is to see CGI people slammed repeatedly against walls, cars, trains, and other CGI people. Sam Raimi wants to go out on a big bang, assuming this will be the last time he’s allowed near the Spider-franchise, so there’s about 435 villains fighting Spider-Man in this one. Half of them just because they’re still pissed about Pleasantville, so go figure.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
While the boys are off achieving erections in Spider-Man 3, the girls will be swooning their brains out with Hollywood’s hottest male model/actors in this flick. Fans of the first two films… actually, I have no way to end that sentence, as I’ve never actually met "fans" so much as people who didn’t want to see the producers shot and killed. But there’s more swaggering Johnny Depp, more timid Orlando Bloom, and more tossed-around pointlessly love-triangulated Keira Knightley, who is becoming world famous for doing nothing outside these films. Expect more weird gross-out pirate gags, more buckles savagely swashed, and the real high point of the film everyone’s waiting for, Johnny Depp out-Keith Richardsing Keith Richards himself. Shitloads of boats, too, just for the record.
Shrek the Third
Now here’s an amazingly creative film—nothing in the contents, mind you, only the use of "the Third" in the title rather than the big number "3." Expect Shrek fans to be stymied, wondering where the sequel went and why another movie has "Shrek" in the title. Eddie Murphy continues to finance his house while Mike Myers hangs by a thread over the dangling precipice into film obscurity. And of course, the heart of any Shrek film is present—plenty of burps, farts, pees, and poops to beat the band. You could just stay home with your 68-year-old Scottish grandfather and get the full effect of the whole thing. But then, you’d keep your $8 bucks, so I can understand the experience isn’t complete without losing your cash. Enjoy the CGI horse being flogged dead.
Across the Universe
There will be bigger films than this, more expensive films, but I doubt there will be more inventive and creative films than this. After all, movies come and go, but how many can absolutely ruin the entire musical catalogue of a band as iconic as the Beatles for the rest of your lives? Julie Taymor, the pure evil force who put Disney’s The Lion King on Broadway, has dared to take the most complex and emotional songs of Lennon & McCartney and trivialize them with ridiculous straw characters and cliché-ridden situations that will forever make you weep. As with any Taymor effort, its stocked with cool visuals and sub-human storytelling. Let’s all chip in and buy her some oil paints and canvases and ask her to bury her camera in the dirty once and for all. Put that artistic eye into some still medium that doesn’t require people to say words or anything. And for God’s sake, leave the Beatles alone. Why don’t you ruin ABBA or the Bee-Gees, or a band we can live without?
Gosh, that felt good. And as I assumed it would, I clearly demonstrated seeing the movies is hardly necessary. Which puts me in comfortable company with the people who picket the movies for their content. Until next time, when I promise to actually watch the movies. Sort of.   |
