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 January 15, 2007 |
2006, as it would have appeared to a fly on acid.
Ah, right. Who could forget the midterm elections, when even Republican candidates were voting to toss their own corrupt asses out of office? Never before has the term “midterm” meant anything near this good, usually it’s just a sign that the time has come to stop having sex with that pregnant girl at the office.
The Iraq War trundled on, if you can call it a war when we stand by and watch while a country tears itself to shreds like that one Superman where he tried to rip his Clark Kent suit off, but forgot he had already done so and ended up pulling o...
’m serious, what the hell happened last year? Did we mix up our multivitamins and roofies again? Because if anything at all of note happened in 2006, we missed it here at the commune. Best to check the tape.
Ah, right. Who could forget the midterm elections, when even Republican candidates were voting to toss their own corrupt asses out of office? Never before has the term “midterm” meant anything near this good, usually it’s just a sign that the time has come to stop having sex with that pregnant girl at the office.
The Iraq War trundled on, if you can call it a war when we stand by and watch while a country tears itself to shreds like that one Superman where he tried to rip his Clark Kent suit off, but forgot he had already done so and ended up pulling off all his skin like a Halloween costume and got a superinfection. That’s basically what has happened in Iraq; only the country is infected with assholes.
Speaking of assholes, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was hung like a horse, only not in the good sense of the phrase. It turns out Iraq doesn’t hang many people, preferring execution by forcible blowupification, and so Hussein had to be put down in the capital punishment wing of a veterinary hospital. Tack-y, Iraqis.
Paul McCartney’s pirate wife, Heather Mills McCartney, filed for divorce on the grounds of emotional cruelty, on account of McCartney’s habit of singing her Wings songs during their tender moments. McCartney took the news in stride, citing the fact that he’d run out of good “one leg” jokes months ago anyhow. This, moments before he launched into an a cappella rendition of ZZ Top’s “She’s Got Leg,” bringing the room to an uncomfortable silence.
Ariel Sharon had a stroke, and millions of children cried. Until adults explained that this was not the Ariel from The Little Mermaid. And so, millions of children went back to playing with their food.
It was the year of K-FED, some kind of sexually transmitted disease the young people were going nuts about this year. And it says here they finally caught the guy who killed JonBenet… I can’t be reading that right. Anyway, a bunch of Amish kids got shot, if that surprises anyone after all the crap they’ve pulled.
A bunch of yabbos tried to bring down airliners with Gatorade, resulting in a ban on anything wetter than Tony Danza’s back going through airport security and spiking sales of $5 bottles of tap water in airport gift shops.
And how could we have forgotten the Foley sex scandal? Republicans proved yet again that they do everything better than Democrats, including falling flat on their faces in public after quizzing underage boys about their boner etiquette. Thankfully for all involved, Foley quickly entered alcohol rehab, the only known surefire cure for rampant pedophilia.
Oh shit! Cheney shot some dude. Yeah, that was pretty memorable. Anyway, it was a year, end of story. Unless you died or got laid, in which case it was the most important year in the history of mankind. Congratulations. the commune news knows what you did last summer, thanks to your pathetically outdated MySpace page. Red Bagel is the commune’s fearless editor, and we’re not just blowing smoke up your ass when we say that. Bagel really did have his fear glands removed after a boogieboarding accident as a child, and as a result has never been able to enjoy horror movies. He’s also been bitterly disappointed to find that every “No Fear” support group he tries to join ends up being a bunch of t-shirt collecting dillweeds.
 |  April 10, 2006 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon The president, shown here shaken, but not stirred, by his recent brush with awareness
A tearful Bush, admittedly "a little behind" on his TV viewing due to "the usual work b.s.," finally got around to viewing the fifth and final season of HBO's acclaimed drama Six Feet Under on DVD this week, an event that seems to have had a profound effect on the president.
"Just being reminded that everyone you know will die one day, that really makes you think," explained the president, not previously known as a fan of thought.
"Keith!" Bush suddenly shouted, mid-sob. "Why'd he...
fter years of staunch, stiff-jawed and clenched-buttocksed opposition to human cloning research, President Bush issued a startling reversal to his January "Pig Men" State of the Union address this week, and now is apparently in favor of the controversial scientific pursuit. A tearful Bush, admittedly "a little behind" on his TV viewing due to "the usual work b.s.," finally got around to viewing the fifth and final season of HBO's acclaimed drama Six Feet Under on DVD this week, an event that seems to have had a profound effect on the president. "Just being reminded that everyone you know will die one day, that really makes you think," explained the president, not previously known as a fan of thought. "Keith!" Bush suddenly shouted, mid-sob. "Why'd he have to go so young?" Those in the terrifying position of being close to the president's thought processes claim that a recent twelve-hour DVD marathon viewing of the show left Bush in a deep near-thoughtful funk, a condition aides hadn't seen the president in since the cancellation of Timecop in 1997. "Seeing that documentary really got me thinking about the people close to me, and how to keep them from ever dying, ever," explained Bush. This reporter chose not to take this opportunity to explain the difference between drama and documentary, or the inevitability of death, to the president. "At first I was thinking about time travel," continued Bush. "But that never worked out so hot in those Michael J. Fox movies. Plus, it gets all confusing and hard to follow the story. Then I thought about the fountain of youth, but I couldn't think of any movies where that really worked either. I just kept thinking of the end of Gremlins where that scary thing melts in the fountain—yuck. Anyway, then I turned on the SciFi Channel and that got me thinking about human cloning." Reports indicate this is not the first time the president's opinions and policies have been changed by popular entertainment, including Bush's proposed tax breaks for hot rod owners last year after viewing The Dukes of Hazzard, and the president's call for storm windows to be installed in the White House after finally getting around to seeing Twister in 2001. Critics have long suggested that most of Bush's policy moves and public statements over the course of his two terms have been inspired by old Clint Eastwood movies and various Chuck Norris action vehicles. Debate rages concerning the timing of Bush's 2002 statements about clamping down on whistleblowers, coming as they did days after the president reportedly attended a screening of the environmentally-themed Steven Soderbergh film Erin Brockovich. "I guess it's easy to feel one way about a subject, until it potentially affects someone you care about," Bush explained about his change of heart in the cloning debate. Asked if he would then be sending his daughters to Iraq to help with the nation-building efforts, Bush ignored the question and asked if this reporter had time to stick around for a spontaneous viewing of Top Gun on DVD. the commune news was also moved by the final season of Six Feet Under, except less so since Netflix sent us the discs all the fuck out of order and people kept springing back to life like in a George Romero movie. Truman Prudy returns to the commune after a delightful vacation spent locked in the basement of an elderly couple in Saskatchewan. Further information is available on a "We Don't Know" basis.
|  Bush's MySpace Page Traffic Way Down  Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures  Sharon Still in Coma, Phyllis Still Total Slutbag  You've Got Mail, Iran's Got Nukes |
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 January 15, 2007 Christmas: Don't Try This at HomeIt's recently been brought to my attention that the commune has not been appearing online for the last, say, nine months, give or take a full-term pregnancy. I guess the saying is true: you're always the last to know when your stuff stops getting published for the better part of a year. Anyway, spilled milk aside, it's clear wherein the blame for this blunder lies.
Gerbil tubes.
I'll be the first to admit I was the one who discovered the tubes, poking out of the walls in every room of the commune offices, including the shitter. I was scanning the walls with a studfinder, looking for espionage-style bugs, rather than the usual food-stealing bugs we've always had, when suddenly, tubes! Had covert, turtle-fighting plumbers snuck in overnight and installed them? Nope, tur...
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It's recently been brought to my attention that the commune has not been appearing online for the last, say, nine months, give or take a full-term pregnancy. I guess the saying is true: you're always the last to know when your stuff stops getting published for the better part of a year. Anyway, spilled milk aside, it's clear wherein the blame for this blunder lies. Gerbil tubes. I'll be the first to admit I was the one who discovered the tubes, poking out of the walls in every room of the commune offices, including the shitter. I was scanning the walls with a studfinder, looking for espionage-style bugs, rather than the usual food-stealing bugs we've always had, when suddenly, tubes! Had covert, turtle-fighting plumbers snuck in overnight and installed them? Nope, turns out they'd been there all along. No gold star for the commune staff's powers of noticing. But still, you can imagine our excitement at this discovery. Finally, a way to file our articles and columns without the constant drudgery of saving and emailing. Pneumatic tubes have always been the way of the future, and it was about time the commune got some, or barring that, realized we'd had them since the early 80's. And let me just say that filing your semi-weekly columns by pneumatic tube is a joy and a pleasure. You crumple that shit up into a ball and stuff it in the tube, pushing aside last week's column, and say asta-la-deadline, asshole. Everything in life should be that easy, and involve crumpling. Everything cruised along smooth as shit until last week, when Emil Zender got out of the hospital following months of recovery following a complicated tonsil-removal surgery and burst into the commune offices, apparently after driving straight from Vermont in his hospital duds to let us know the commune wasn't online anymore. We all made fun of him for not using the telephone instead, until he pointed out that no one answers the commune telephones and in fact we have them all in a pile on the floor of Rok Finger's office so we can close the door and not be bothered with all that ringing. True enough. So then we made fun of him for reading the commune. It turns out the tubes actually run to a pet store down the block, and they were installed in the early 1980's after an earlier tenant's stroke of genius about revolutionizing gerbil delivery. So Big Stiff's Pet Pouch has been the sole benefactor of the last nine months of commune wit, wisdom, and panache. And he was using the shit for guinea pig bedding. C'est la vie, but suffice it to say you've missed some all-time classic My Friend Polio columns while you were gone. Okay, that's not precisely true. Actually I've been mailing it in since around June, writing about shit I found in the trash and why nobody makes a barbecue big enough to cook a dolphin. So in fact you've rejoined us just in the nick of time. Oh shit, I forgot to bitch about how lousy my Christmas was. Hurry up and join us next time, because I'm out of room and gotta piss like a fish. Bricks out. º Last Column: The Deep Freezeº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you will ever regret. Speak when you are extremely angry and you'll really regret it—all stuttering and shit, like Porky Pig. And they'll just make fun of you. I know I would.”
-Ambruce FierceFortune 500 CookieStick it where the sun don't shine—that's the only way you'll be sure it glows in the dark. Does this look like medium rare to you? Take it back or there goes your tip. If you could ask God one question, don't make it, "Who farted?" Take a self-time out this week, but don't just waste it by yourself; extract the time itself from the timeline, so you can put it back wherever you want. Lucky legends this week: Sasquatch, the Jersey Devil, Abominable Snowman, and other Bigfoot rip-offs.
Try again later.5 Phrases Guaranteed to Get You Slapped| 1. | My testicles feel funny. Do they feel funny to you? | | 2. | You're very pretty. For a man, I mean. | | 3. | Why don't you go back to the kitchen and sit on this egg until it's hatched, bitch. | | 4. | If anyone wants to suck my cock, laugh awkwardly. | | 5. | Our greatest mistake as a country was fighting to keep Texas (Texas only) | |
|   Military Man Leads Daring Escape of 200+ Hostages BY orson welch 1/15/2007 It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006.
…
Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some movies widely regarded as having debuted in 2006.
Borat
Here’s a movie everyone was talking about, frequently into the tiresome broken language accent of its one-hit-wonder self-titled character. If you hate people, and I know I do, you’ll love Borat. Never has a statement been so wrong, since I hate people and I still hate Borat. No other movie in 2006 captured the cruelty of humanity and the inane weariness of constant homoerotic jokes. But the best part was the o...
It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006.
…
Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some movies widely regarded as having debuted in 2006.
Borat
Here’s a movie everyone was talking about, frequently into the tiresome broken language accent of its one-hit-wonder self-titled character. If you hate people, and I know I do, you’ll love Borat. Never has a statement been so wrong, since I hate people and I still hate Borat. No other movie in 2006 captured the cruelty of humanity and the inane weariness of constant homoerotic jokes. But the best part was the over-promotion—even if you didn’t want to go all the way to the theater to see the movie, you could still see more than half of the charmless humor distilled through a barrage of short commercials, TV talk show appearances, and YouTube blitzes. Ahh, Borat. Me thinks thou art not quite so ignorant of America.
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest
Also highly touted as "the movie that beat Superman." But Superman is hardly that tough, considering how easily they killed him for a quick buck in the 1990s. I have to admit, I didn’t see this movie, but I saw the first one, and I threw up on the ride, and I hear it’s amazingly accurate to the source material. Johnny Depp continues his wondrous acting process of doing whatever the hell he wants on camera in total disregard to the screenplay.
Letters From Iwo Jima
A highly lauded movie, beloved by critics everywhere in 2006 for telling us what has been secret knowledge until now: The people we kill in a war are people, too. Perhaps if Clint Eastwood were a little more daring we could have seen a movie about the movie we’re fighting now, but we were lucky to get a film about everybody’s favorite war, WWII, and the opposition’s brave attempts to not get killed. Groundbreaking. At least it wasn’t another rah-rah "kill the Japs" film like we’re used to. Oh, wait, we got that, too—Eastwood also served up the less acclaimed Flags of Our Fathers, so we could sit through a guilt-inspiring movie about the yellow threat easier having just ridden high on the testosterone of a familiar war movie. One of these days they’ll make a stunning movie about the war in Iraq. Oh, wait, I forgot—we only want to make movies about wars where we can claim the moral highground. Maybe they’ll make a sitcom about it then.
World Trade Center/Flight 93
I’m not actually reviewing these movies, just dredging up the awful spectre of the 9/11 movies that have finally come home to roost in 2006. You’ve got to admire the class of Hollywood, waiting a full five years before capitalizing on the misery of America’s most heartbreaking tragedy. At this rate we’re bound to get a Katrina movie by the end of 2008—and the special effects will harden your testicles like quarry rock, trust me. But all criticism aside, these movies make great, bold statements about the events of September 11, 2001: What a damn shame. I’m not sure if there’s really any more to get out of them, but hey, what do you want from the best movies of the year? Complex problems studied in a fractal format to increase our understanding and create a sympathy for their victims? Not very likely to fit cliché dialogue and massive CGI building explosions in that kind of movie, I’ll tell you now.
So let us put the past behind us. In fact, if it’s not too much to ask, let’s put 2007 behind us as well now. I don’t think we’ll be missing much in the entertainment field.   |
