 | 
 April 10, 2006 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon The president, shown here shaken, but not stirred, by his recent brush with awareness
A tearful Bush, admittedly "a little behind" on his TV viewing due to "the usual work b.s.," finally got around to viewing the fifth and final season of HBO's acclaimed drama Six Feet Under on DVD this week, an event that seems to have had a profound effect on the president.
"Just being reminded that everyone you know will die one day, that really makes you think," explained the president, not previously known as a fan of thought.
"Keith!" Bush suddenly shouted, mid-sob. "Why'd he...
fter years of staunch, stiff-jawed and clenched-buttocksed opposition to human cloning research, President Bush issued a startling reversal to his January "Pig Men" State of the Union address this week, and now is apparently in favor of the controversial scientific pursuit. A tearful Bush, admittedly "a little behind" on his TV viewing due to "the usual work b.s.," finally got around to viewing the fifth and final season of HBO's acclaimed drama Six Feet Under on DVD this week, an event that seems to have had a profound effect on the president. "Just being reminded that everyone you know will die one day, that really makes you think," explained the president, not previously known as a fan of thought. "Keith!" Bush suddenly shouted, mid-sob. "Why'd he have to go so young?" Those in the terrifying position of being close to the president's thought processes claim that a recent twelve-hour DVD marathon viewing of the show left Bush in a deep near-thoughtful funk, a condition aides hadn't seen the president in since the cancellation of Timecop in 1997. "Seeing that documentary really got me thinking about the people close to me, and how to keep them from ever dying, ever," explained Bush. This reporter chose not to take this opportunity to explain the difference between drama and documentary, or the inevitability of death, to the president. "At first I was thinking about time travel," continued Bush. "But that never worked out so hot in those Michael J. Fox movies. Plus, it gets all confusing and hard to follow the story. Then I thought about the fountain of youth, but I couldn't think of any movies where that really worked either. I just kept thinking of the end of Gremlins where that scary thing melts in the fountain—yuck. Anyway, then I turned on the SciFi Channel and that got me thinking about human cloning." Reports indicate this is not the first time the president's opinions and policies have been changed by popular entertainment, including Bush's proposed tax breaks for hot rod owners last year after viewing The Dukes of Hazzard, and the president's call for storm windows to be installed in the White House after finally getting around to seeing Twister in 2001. Critics have long suggested that most of Bush's policy moves and public statements over the course of his two terms have been inspired by old Clint Eastwood movies and various Chuck Norris action vehicles. Debate rages concerning the timing of Bush's 2002 statements about clamping down on whistleblowers, coming as they did days after the president reportedly attended a screening of the environmentally-themed Steven Soderbergh film Erin Brockovich. "I guess it's easy to feel one way about a subject, until it potentially affects someone you care about," Bush explained about his change of heart in the cloning debate. Asked if he would then be sending his daughters to Iraq to help with the nation-building efforts, Bush ignored the question and asked if this reporter had time to stick around for a spontaneous viewing of Top Gun on DVD. the commune news was also moved by the final season of Six Feet Under, except less so since Netflix sent us the discs all the fuck out of order and people kept springing back to life like in a George Romero movie. Truman Prudy returns to the commune after a delightful vacation spent locked in the basement of an elderly couple in Saskatchewan. Further information is available on a "We Don't Know" basis.
 |  March 27, 2006 |
Fallujah, Iraq HILTS FAMILY The escaped "Cooler King" was welcomed home by friends and family Thursday.
Hilts, who was debriefed by U.S. military officials but did not speak directly to the ravenous western press, said the escape was the result of weeks of planning, tactical distraction, digging, and the production of some high-quality potato moonshine. Inste...
he small remainder of the world that follows the news applauded the escape of more than 200 Iraqi hostages Thursday, who freed themselves from an unidentified terrorist group in the heart of the war-torn country. Just outside of Fallujah, U.S. military discovered a traveling band of 40 or so escaped hostages, and within hours began to receive word of other hostages who had also escaped the same small terrorist encampment, numbers totaling 213 freed hostages, who credited their successful escape to U.S. Army Captain S. Hilts. Hilts, who was debriefed by U.S. military officials but did not speak directly to the ravenous western press, said the escape was the result of weeks of planning, tactical distraction, digging, and the production of some high-quality potato moonshine. Instead of taking credit for the escape himself, Hilts remarked on the bravery and ingenuity of his fellow hostages. Added Hilts: "It's the duty of every freedom-loving military man to work day and night to escape." The statement marks a drastic turnaround from hostage philosophies of the past, including 1980 Iranian hostages Commander Shears, who was intent to ride out the situation without drawing attention to himself, or British Colonel Alec Nicholson, who actually aided the Iranians by building a bridge over a local river to aid terrorist movement. Who exactly is Capt. S. Hilts? A son of an Indiana mechanic, Hilts served in the Army in both the original Gulf War and its poorly received sequel. Hilts was among the 213 hostages, both military and civilian, who had been abducted in recent weeks by terrorists believed to be allied with either Al-Qaeda, the Saddam Hussein loyalists, or one of the other 300 groups who simply like to kidnap and kill westerners. Hilts had been used as leverage in video taped messages urging the freeing of all Iraqi prisoners. While this strategy has traditionally worked remarkably well against all sorts of enemies, this time there was little to no response from U.S. or coalition governments. The lack of reply might have something to do with Hilts' outburst in the final frames of the video tape: "Listen to me!" shouted Hilts, tossing aside the written statement he had started to read, standing up and resisting efforts of jackbooted Iraqis to hold him down. "We're Americans! We don't roll over and do something when we're at the end of a gun! Don't worry about us! We'll be alright—we're gonna walk out of here one day, into a free land and back home to our wives and families. You hear that, Susie? I'm comin' home to you before you know it!" Though the tape abruptly ended, the message was clear: America didn't plan on being pushed around by the huge terrorist machine. And sure as his word, Hilts was found wandering the desert, looking to reconnect with his unit as soon as possible. But not walking as he had promised, but riding a state-of-the-art Iraqi military motorcycle, with which he jumped the walls of the compound. According to the U.S. soldiers who recovered the escaped hostage, Hilts' first job was to eat a hearty plate of pork chops and apple sauce while giving military intelligence all the information he could about his captors, a group of 15 or so terrorist insurgents who actually did a keen job of keeping 200+ Americans hidden in a detained area of an occupied country. What's next for Hilts and his fellow escapees? "I guess we'll be going back into service, those of us that can. We've got us an occupation to win!" the commune news is quite impressed with this great escape—it sure beats the way some of these weasels slip out of here ten minutes before 5 and fill out their time cards for the full day. Ramon Nootles is a correspondent. Any other information is on a need-to-know basis.
|  Bush's MySpace Page Traffic Way Down  Condi Rice Hates the Way She Smiles in Pictures  Sharon Still in Coma, Phyllis Still Total Slutbag  You've Got Mail, Iran's Got Nukes |
|
|
| 
 January 15, 2007 Christmas: Don't Try This at HomeIt's recently been brought to my attention that the commune has not been appearing online for the last, say, nine months, give or take a full-term pregnancy. I guess the saying is true: you're always the last to know when your stuff stops getting published for the better part of a year. Anyway, spilled milk aside, it's clear wherein the blame for this blunder lies.
Gerbil tubes.
I'll be the first to admit I was the one who discovered the tubes, poking out of the walls in every room of the commune offices, including the shitter. I was scanning the walls with a studfinder, looking for espionage-style bugs, rather than the usual food-stealing bugs we've always had, when suddenly, tubes! Had covert, turtle-fighting plumbers snuck in overnight and installed them? Nope, tur...
º Last Column: The Deep Freeze
º more columns
It's recently been brought to my attention that the commune has not been appearing online for the last, say, nine months, give or take a full-term pregnancy. I guess the saying is true: you're always the last to know when your stuff stops getting published for the better part of a year. Anyway, spilled milk aside, it's clear wherein the blame for this blunder lies. Gerbil tubes. I'll be the first to admit I was the one who discovered the tubes, poking out of the walls in every room of the commune offices, including the shitter. I was scanning the walls with a studfinder, looking for espionage-style bugs, rather than the usual food-stealing bugs we've always had, when suddenly, tubes! Had covert, turtle-fighting plumbers snuck in overnight and installed them? Nope, turns out they'd been there all along. No gold star for the commune staff's powers of noticing. But still, you can imagine our excitement at this discovery. Finally, a way to file our articles and columns without the constant drudgery of saving and emailing. Pneumatic tubes have always been the way of the future, and it was about time the commune got some, or barring that, realized we'd had them since the early 80's. And let me just say that filing your semi-weekly columns by pneumatic tube is a joy and a pleasure. You crumple that shit up into a ball and stuff it in the tube, pushing aside last week's column, and say asta-la-deadline, asshole. Everything in life should be that easy, and involve crumpling. Everything cruised along smooth as shit until last week, when Emil Zender got out of the hospital following months of recovery following a complicated tonsil-removal surgery and burst into the commune offices, apparently after driving straight from Vermont in his hospital duds to let us know the commune wasn't online anymore. We all made fun of him for not using the telephone instead, until he pointed out that no one answers the commune telephones and in fact we have them all in a pile on the floor of Rok Finger's office so we can close the door and not be bothered with all that ringing. True enough. So then we made fun of him for reading the commune. It turns out the tubes actually run to a pet store down the block, and they were installed in the early 1980's after an earlier tenant's stroke of genius about revolutionizing gerbil delivery. So Big Stiff's Pet Pouch has been the sole benefactor of the last nine months of commune wit, wisdom, and panache. And he was using the shit for guinea pig bedding. C'est la vie, but suffice it to say you've missed some all-time classic My Friend Polio columns while you were gone. Okay, that's not precisely true. Actually I've been mailing it in since around June, writing about shit I found in the trash and why nobody makes a barbecue big enough to cook a dolphin. So in fact you've rejoined us just in the nick of time. Oh shit, I forgot to bitch about how lousy my Christmas was. Hurry up and join us next time, because I'm out of room and gotta piss like a fish. Bricks out. º Last Column: The Deep Freezeº more columns | 
|
| |
Quote of the Day“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”
-Billiam SwordswartFortune 500 CookieThe next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.
Try again later.Top Reasons for Honking| 1. | Air-horn busted | | 2. | Thought I saw nipples | | 3. | Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road! | | 4. | Song needed a horn part | | 5. | Lonely | | 6. | That bumper sticker is right! | | 7. | Fluent in Morse code and proud of it | | 8. | Needed to clear path on sidewalk | | 9. | I know that guy! | | 10. | Because I can | |
|   Bulshitzkizu Takes Gold at Whiter Olympics BY orson welch 1/15/2007 It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006.
…
Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some movies widely regarded as having debuted in 2006.
Borat
Here’s a movie everyone was talking about, frequently into the tiresome broken language accent of its one-hit-wonder self-titled character. If you hate people, and I know I do, you’ll love Borat. Never has a statement been so wrong, since I hate people and I still hate Borat. No other movie in 2006 captured the cruelty of humanity and the inane weariness of constant homoerotic jokes. But the best part was the o...
It’s been far too long since my sarcastic commentaries have ridden the internet nodes. So let’s have no tarrying and move right into a look at the best movies of 2006.
…
Ha! Ultimate sting, villains. Now let’s take a look at some movies widely regarded as having debuted in 2006.
Borat
Here’s a movie everyone was talking about, frequently into the tiresome broken language accent of its one-hit-wonder self-titled character. If you hate people, and I know I do, you’ll love Borat. Never has a statement been so wrong, since I hate people and I still hate Borat. No other movie in 2006 captured the cruelty of humanity and the inane weariness of constant homoerotic jokes. But the best part was the over-promotion—even if you didn’t want to go all the way to the theater to see the movie, you could still see more than half of the charmless humor distilled through a barrage of short commercials, TV talk show appearances, and YouTube blitzes. Ahh, Borat. Me thinks thou art not quite so ignorant of America.
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest
Also highly touted as "the movie that beat Superman." But Superman is hardly that tough, considering how easily they killed him for a quick buck in the 1990s. I have to admit, I didn’t see this movie, but I saw the first one, and I threw up on the ride, and I hear it’s amazingly accurate to the source material. Johnny Depp continues his wondrous acting process of doing whatever the hell he wants on camera in total disregard to the screenplay.
Letters From Iwo Jima
A highly lauded movie, beloved by critics everywhere in 2006 for telling us what has been secret knowledge until now: The people we kill in a war are people, too. Perhaps if Clint Eastwood were a little more daring we could have seen a movie about the movie we’re fighting now, but we were lucky to get a film about everybody’s favorite war, WWII, and the opposition’s brave attempts to not get killed. Groundbreaking. At least it wasn’t another rah-rah "kill the Japs" film like we’re used to. Oh, wait, we got that, too—Eastwood also served up the less acclaimed Flags of Our Fathers, so we could sit through a guilt-inspiring movie about the yellow threat easier having just ridden high on the testosterone of a familiar war movie. One of these days they’ll make a stunning movie about the war in Iraq. Oh, wait, I forgot—we only want to make movies about wars where we can claim the moral highground. Maybe they’ll make a sitcom about it then.
World Trade Center/Flight 93
I’m not actually reviewing these movies, just dredging up the awful spectre of the 9/11 movies that have finally come home to roost in 2006. You’ve got to admire the class of Hollywood, waiting a full five years before capitalizing on the misery of America’s most heartbreaking tragedy. At this rate we’re bound to get a Katrina movie by the end of 2008—and the special effects will harden your testicles like quarry rock, trust me. But all criticism aside, these movies make great, bold statements about the events of September 11, 2001: What a damn shame. I’m not sure if there’s really any more to get out of them, but hey, what do you want from the best movies of the year? Complex problems studied in a fractal format to increase our understanding and create a sympathy for their victims? Not very likely to fit cliché dialogue and massive CGI building explosions in that kind of movie, I’ll tell you now.
So let us put the past behind us. In fact, if it’s not too much to ask, let’s put 2007 behind us as well now. I don’t think we’ll be missing much in the entertainment field.   |
