ey, remember 2005? It seems like only yesterday it was everywhere, sweetie… the fashions, the fads, the music (which you can download for free). Everybody was watching Lost and Googling Linsay Lohan. This year, it’s repeats of Lost and the Pitt-Jolie baby. But that doesn’t mean we’re going to forget those more innocent times.

The world started 2005 believing the biggest events to come would be the trial of Michael Jackson and the debut of Star Wars, Episode III, but were they ever wrong. Goddamn, sweetie, were they wrong.

Even if the big Star Wars finale was the biggest grossing movie of the year, the movie everyone was talking about was gay cowboy non-musical extravaganza Brokeback Mountain. A studio-financed My Own Private Idaho, the film featured a classic lovestory all Y-chromosomed up for today’s modern metrosexuals. I, for one, loved this shit out of it, hon.

It sure beat the hell out of the “biggest movie of 2005,� as everybody promoted it—only to have it being the biggest underwhelming movie of all time: King Kong. The movie under-performed to all expectations, possibly due to somebody leaking a copy of the movie to the Internet and an early cut of the film to the theaters in 1933. Remember 1933? Prohibition and flappers? That’s another column, sweets.

The country went crazy for TV, too. America was desperate for Desperate Housewives and lost our minds for Lost. We also continued the C.S.I./Law & Order craze as they collectively dominated three-five nights a week of televisions. And how about those new television shows we all went crazy for? That’s right—there were none.

And remember the music everyone was listening to in 2005? Neither do we. There was some Kelly Clarkson, some Kanye West, and 50 Cent mumbled some shit here and there. Where’s the club beat, bitch? Notice I didn’t say bi-atch? Too toooo 2004.

As for the news itself, there was no bigger story than the sad destruction of partyzone and Girls Gone Wild unofficial headquarters of New Orleans at the inhuman hands of heartless bitch Hurricane Katrina. As if that wasn’t enough, several frontin’ hurricane wanna-bes also tore shit up elsewhere.

The other big news stories were the continuing death of innocents for the unnecessary war in Iraq, but we leave that coverage to the no-spin zone doctoring of Bill O’Reilly. We were sadder about the death of one of the 20th century’s most pivotal religious figures, Johnny Carson. And how about the others we lost? Bob Denver, Chief Justice William Rehnquist, Lou Rawls, and John Paul Pope, some kind of Christian prophet.

After years of a firm status quo, 2005 saw the shake up of not one, but two Supreme Court justices retiring (one for good) to open up the doors to the future’s arch-conservative oligarchy.

And who can forget the unforgettable catch-phrases of 2005? “Michael Jackson’s Jesus Juice�? “Cronyism�? “Mark McGwiroids�? None of these quite caught on with the national consciousness. No, 2005 was truly a year when nothing stuck in your brain. But the commune did take a severely long vacation, and that was da bomb, baby-doll. Let’s hope for more of that in 2006.

ensions ran high in the world court this week as prosecutors continued what will undoubtedly be the greatest trial of the century, at least for a long time: The world vs. Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, et al. It was a trial marked by emotional outbursts and brutal accusations of crimes against humanity.

Kringle, led into the courtroom with his ankles shackled together and a series of elaborate handcuffs binding his hands, sat quiet through most of the prosecution's presentation of evidence. For the defense was world-famous Swedish lawyer Jorgen Fiord, who successfully defended Argentine dentist Emilio Rodriguez in 1996 against charges he was the infamous "Tooth Fairy."

"This man, sitting right here—though he may appear jolly, and have the very glint of holiday joy in his eyes, is at best a worldwide fraud and perpetrator of lies," presented attorney Manfred Hauser for the prosecution. "At worst, he's the greatest terrorist in the history of mankind."

Hauser was referring to the charges levied against the alleged jolly old elf: the first, pretending to provide toys and presents to all the children of the world, when in fact they're bought and delivered by the children's parents; two, attempting to set up a non-profit "holiday" religion by infringing upon the beliefs of Christianity; three, initiating and operating international pyramid schemes of "helpers" on street corners and department stores everywhere; four, cruelty to animals, i.e. specifically the training and illegal housing of endangered reindeer; and five, violating labor laws and international laws against slavery, specifically regarding the livelihood of diminutive people.

Kringle had the entire world on the edge of their seats, awaiting how he would plea, when he finally entered a statement of "not guilty" two weeks ago.

The trial has been the focus of the entire world ever since the world-famous "Santa Claus" was taken into custody last year, Sept. 19, 2012, by Russian soldiers while leading a Chechan rebels' rebellion during his so-called "off season." Tipped off by local naughty boys, soldiers found Kringle hidden beneath a collapsed chimney that he may have been using as a home for as long as six weeks. The U.N. had planned to try Claus in October of this year, but thought given the circumstances they could postpone the event until the holiday season.

The highlight of Thursday's trial included the testimony of an anonymous elf, known only to the jury as "Sprinkles," alleging Kringle used magic powers to extend the days just so he could make his elf workforce work 28-hour shifts. The testimony took a turn for the lewd as the witness alleged, through sobs and comically high-pitched crying, Santa Claus made the workplace even more uncomfortable with the use of a device called a "mistletoe belt buckle."

"Humbug!" exclaimed Kringle, standing up and shaking a green-gloved fist at the video screen. "Complete and utter humbug! And there's no use disguising your voice—I know it's you, Butterscotch! He's a liar, your honor! Check his closet and you'll see—nothing but coal!"

Kringle denounced the trial as a sham, and tried to remind the court of the reason for the season, but was warned by Judge Avril Harkrieger he would be bound and gagged if he didn't keep quiet, and maybe would anyway, if the judge wanted it bad enough.

Each day the trial has been marred by protests outside, middle- to upper-class kids demanded Santa's release, and several children living below the poverty line demanded years worth of retroactive gifts.

One of the bigger stories of this week, indeed the new year, is the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Judge Samuel Alito. The confirmation hearings have been slightly less entertaining than doing your own colonoscopy, but at least we've gotten to the root what makes Sam Alito so great.

What does this mean for the country? Alito, if confirmed, makes for the second conservative appointed to the Supreme Court. That could mean major changes to the law of the land in years to come. Prayer in school? You can do that. Abortions on demand? Say goodbye to them. Monkey fucking? We'll wait until the swing judges have their say. Swing judges? Forget it, they're out. That's right, people—everything's about to change.

The Supreme Court comprises the most important part, the bulbous head if you will, of the judicial branch of government. Why do we need a Supreme Court? Any high school senior whose had to memorize landmark cases like Plessy v. Ferguson and Roe v. Wade has asked the same thing. Like most high school teachers, we can't exactly tell you why. Only that without the Supreme Court, there would be no "daddy" for any of us to run to when things have pissed us off and we need disputes settled. It's kind of like The People's Court, for the most dramatic cases of the land. If a friend broke your automatic garage door or snapped the fan belt on your car, don't come crying to the nine justices. The Supreme Court is all 'bout the big business. That's what it says on their business cards.

Can we project the future of the United States based on the previous court decisions handed down from new Supreme Court kids John Roberts and Samuel Alito? Only if we're very haphazard in doing so.

Clones will be a thing of the past, no doubt, since more people might equal more voters, and we know the partisan Republican side of the Supreme Court doesn't want any more voters out there. Then there's the whole deal with stem cells. Stem cell research will be obliterated entirely, unless between now and the next Supreme Court case on stem cells we happen to find a new part of the Bible that says they're appropriately blessed for research. I'm certainly hoping that happens, because I'm feeling the early onset of Parkinson's this week. Though that may just be the extra cup of coffee I had.

Abortions? We'll still have them. We'll just be doing them 15-30 years after the fetus is born. Republicans approve of abortions, they just call it the death penalty when they do it. One advantage of a conservative Supreme Court is we'll be executing them younger and quicker, with fewer appeals, and even the mentally handicapped won't be excluded.

Is flag burning unconstitutional? No telling what side they'll fall on with this issue, but chances are if it's reactionary and provokes ire in poor and angry white people, they'll be all for it.

As a private citizen who tries to conceal all paper trails, I'm most worried about the constitutionality of the Patriot Act. I wouldn't count on the new and de-evolved Supreme Court standing in its way, since they know on which side their bread is buttered. Though actually, since they're elected for life, they're already permanently buttered. But I guess it doesn't mean they'll go and develop a conscience now. After all, as I've said, they've already got the job.

Perhaps when it's all said and done we'll be alright. One thing is for sure: Even the Supreme Court can't bring back disco. And in the end, that's what I fear most.

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