ensions ran high in the world court this week as prosecutors continued what will undoubtedly be the greatest trial of the century, at least for a long time: The world vs. Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, et al. It was a trial marked by emotional outbursts and brutal accusations of crimes against humanity.

Kringle, led into the courtroom with his ankles shackled together and a series of elaborate handcuffs binding his hands, sat quiet through most of the prosecution's presentation of evidence. For the defense was world-famous Swedish lawyer Jorgen Fiord, who successfully defended Argentine dentist Emilio Rodriguez in 1996 against charges he was the infamous "Tooth Fairy."

"This man, sitting right here—though he may appear jolly, and have the very glint of holiday joy in his eyes, is at best a worldwide fraud and perpetrator of lies," presented attorney Manfred Hauser for the prosecution. "At worst, he's the greatest terrorist in the history of mankind."

Hauser was referring to the charges levied against the alleged jolly old elf: the first, pretending to provide toys and presents to all the children of the world, when in fact they're bought and delivered by the children's parents; two, attempting to set up a non-profit "holiday" religion by infringing upon the beliefs of Christianity; three, initiating and operating international pyramid schemes of "helpers" on street corners and department stores everywhere; four, cruelty to animals, i.e. specifically the training and illegal housing of endangered reindeer; and five, violating labor laws and international laws against slavery, specifically regarding the livelihood of diminutive people.

Kringle had the entire world on the edge of their seats, awaiting how he would plea, when he finally entered a statement of "not guilty" two weeks ago.

The trial has been the focus of the entire world ever since the world-famous "Santa Claus" was taken into custody last year, Sept. 19, 2012, by Russian soldiers while leading a Chechan rebels' rebellion during his so-called "off season." Tipped off by local naughty boys, soldiers found Kringle hidden beneath a collapsed chimney that he may have been using as a home for as long as six weeks. The U.N. had planned to try Claus in October of this year, but thought given the circumstances they could postpone the event until the holiday season.

The highlight of Thursday's trial included the testimony of an anonymous elf, known only to the jury as "Sprinkles," alleging Kringle used magic powers to extend the days just so he could make his elf workforce work 28-hour shifts. The testimony took a turn for the lewd as the witness alleged, through sobs and comically high-pitched crying, Santa Claus made the workplace even more uncomfortable with the use of a device called a "mistletoe belt buckle."

"Humbug!" exclaimed Kringle, standing up and shaking a green-gloved fist at the video screen. "Complete and utter humbug! And there's no use disguising your voice—I know it's you, Butterscotch! He's a liar, your honor! Check his closet and you'll see—nothing but coal!"

Kringle denounced the trial as a sham, and tried to remind the court of the reason for the season, but was warned by Judge Avril Harkrieger he would be bound and gagged if he didn't keep quiet, and maybe would anyway, if the judge wanted it bad enough.

Each day the trial has been marred by protests outside, middle- to upper-class kids demanded Santa's release, and several children living below the poverty line demanded years worth of retroactive gifts.

ompanies are lining up around the block this year to take part in the coolest trend to hit corporate America since "creative accounting": competing to see who can co-opt the most inappropriate pop anthem for their advertising campaign.

Hip companies everywhere stood up and took notice in 2004, when Carnival Cruise Lines kicked off this latest run on large-scale irony by snatching up Iggy Pop's heroin anthem "Lust for Life" for use in ads for their overweight middle-aged vacation cruises. While Carnival claims not to discriminate against guests based on whether or not they can make it through a buffet dinner without a fix of smack, most physicians recommend against combining heroin and shuffleboard.

"Disregard for artists is back," explained corporate trend-watcher Trevor Hamilton. "In fact, it's red hot."

Hamilton followed his comment with an embarrassing "-pssssss- ow!" burnt-finger gesture that we only mention because we don't like him.

Cadillac scored a major coup when they landed the Led Zeppelin classic "Rock 'n Roll" to advertise their old fogey cars. Industry observers consider this to be an especially cool victory for GM, since aside from the disorienting clash of associating rock music with land yachts, the song's lyrics are also quite clearly about sex, something most Cadillac drivers have foregone for years in favor of golf.

Others point to the brilliance of the Gap landing AC/DC's classic "Back in Black" for their ads, a song by a metal band with incredibly awful fashion sense, even for Australians.

However, few can top the catastrophically cool usage of Bob Dylan's seminal "The Times They Are A Changin'" by the Bank of Montreal in 1996, recasting a song about the dissolution of old power into an anthem for money management.

"A bank? A freaking bank?" gushed Hamilton, wetly. "That's just brilliant! That's like getting a Rage Against the Machine song to advertise duck pate."

Particularly popular this year is the use of sexually inappropriate tunes for advertising products aimed at small children. Advertising executives express their admiration for a recent spot using Salt N Pepa's raunchy sex come-on "Push It" to sell orange creamsicle push-pops, and another that featured Power Station's stiff-dick anthem "Some Like it Hot" in an effort to sell Hot Pockets.

Other upcoming salvos in the war for the most jarringly inappropriate corporate anthem include the Clash's "Lost in the Supermarket" to be used in an upcoming ad for Albertsons, a soon-to-be-released recruiting ad for the U.S. Army featuring Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A.", The Police's "Every Breath You Take" being used to hock the Apple iCam webcam, and Disney's continued misuse of the Guns n' Roses drug and prostitution saga "Welcome to the Jungle" for the DVD re-releases of Bambi, the Lion King, The Jungle Book and Tarzan.

As of press time, definitive word could not be reached as to whether or not President Bush plans to jump on the bandwagon, switching his presidential theme song from R.E.M.'s "World Leader Pretend," to something more inappropriate, like Bill Withers' 1972 hit, "Lean on Me."

Sad, sad pity be to the lowly songsmith. Lord knows the songwriters and lyrical artists of our times need all the help they can get, the state of modern lyrics being what it is. For every brilliantly wrought "Pianoman," "American Pie" or "Horse with No Name" we get a half-dozen treacley "Ooh, Baby Babies" and the odd "Rock my Jock" thrown in for good measure. I, for one, have always been happy to lend a helping hand, though I must admit my aid is often of the accidental variety.

For who has never misheard the lyrics to a favorite tune, only to discover later that the song’s true verse is a decided downgrade from what one has been singing internally for years? I have! Or haven’t, if you choose to follow the proper grammar of the previous sentence. Previous to the "I have!" part, that sentence, which was pre-previous, technically speaking.

For example, few non-mouth breathers can honestly deny an overwhelming fondness for American folkstress Carly Simon’s incendiary classic "You’re So Vain," from its impenitrable opening bass meanderings to the deliciously mysterious identity of the song’s protagonist. Could it be Warren Betty? Mick Jagger? Charo? Regardless, this lamentably brief sprinkle of heaven masquerading as a pop song has always intrigued me with its Byzantine lyrics, particularly the line "There were clowns in my coffin," which I always found to be a terrifying and apt metaphor for the feeling of being trapped in a failing relationship. Imagine my surprise when CarlySimon.com recently reprinted the lyrics as "There were clouds in my coffee." Excuse me? Don’t take up my precious listening time just because you’re unhappy with Starbucks’ quality control, missy. Simon: 0, Pickles: 1.

Likewise, Ray Parker Jr.’s scabrous "I hate Mexicans!" sung during the staggering middle eight of his unforgettable theme for Ghostbusters long made this groovy classic one of my own all-time faves. Imagine my flabbergast when, during the trial over Parker’s justified "sampling" of the Huey Lewis and the News potboiler "I Want a New Drug," word came out that Parker Jr. was supposedly singing "I hear it likes the girls" instead! Shame on you, Ray Parker. And your son.

Granted, there is room for argument in any of these lyrical corrections. Some might find the originative message of Neil Young’s "Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World" preferable to the "Keep on Rocking at Marine World" I grew up with, as is their wont. I can’t be asked to understand the psychology of individuals who hate dolphins.

But who, tell me who, wouldn’t rightly prefer the jarring, surrealistic imagery of Elton John’s classic lyric "Hold me closer, Tony Danza," to some grotesquely undernourishing tripe about a midget doing the foxtrot? I fancy these as citizenry I’d care not to suffer.

Now, I truly am loathe to utter a singular unkind word about 80’s tunesmith Kim Carnes, a woman who has been rightly described, without exaggeration, as God. So I’ll just say a few words about her most preeminent of hit songs, "Bette Davis Eyes." I’ll not hesitate to admit I may have been somewhat guilty of lackadaisical listening habits or a minor Sudafed addiction when I decided that the chorus of this song read as "She’s Got 30 Days to Die," but regardless, the urgency and drama of my lyric is something I find it difficult to surrender, regardless of the fact I most certainly have been subverting the original intent of Carnes’ epic coloratura.

Drug use not my own has to be at blame for the Paul McCartney lyric "The magical mystery toad is coming to take you away," regardless of what any of the album’s erroneous liner notes say about some kind of "mystery tour." In the midst of an album chock-full of talking walruses and proudly singing, self-actualized Eggmen, a lyric about some boring bus tour really is vastly implausible.

And with all due respect to Jesus, and regardless of what the church says, I stand by my earlier stated claims that the entire religious experience would be improved with a recognition of my superior lyrics to "Cheese is Coming."

Lastly, I leave you all fondly with the immortal lyrics of one Louis Armstrong:

"I sees guys of blue, clowns of white. The bright plastic day, the dogs say goodnight. And I think to myself what I won: Der Fuehrer World..."

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Dr. Joyce Pickles, M.D.P.S.T., received her degree in psychology from U.S. Zoological College in Burnt Harbor, Maine. She remains hilariously ignorant of the commune’s status within the U.S. as an enemy combatant, as well as our status as the Worst Website Under $5*.

*Time magazine, 2005

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