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December 12, 2005   
That noise inside your skull
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Unknown American Philosopher DeadDecember 12, 2005
Baltimore, MD
Junior Bacon
An undated file photo of amateur philosopher Phillip Flaggart, who at the time of the taking had never been out on a date.
M
illions of Americans failed to mourn this week at the death of Baltimore-area rug salesman and unknown modern American philosopher Phillip Flaggart, originator of numerous lite-philosophical sayings such as "A picture's worth a thousand words," and "Why buy milk when you have a cow at home?"

"A picture's worth a thousand words," repeated sayings fan Dennis Tudd, shaking his head in wonderment. "That kind of says it all, though a picture would say it all even better. You know."

Even within the sayings-geek community, Flaggart remained the enduring subject of controversy, with factions split between those who believed the man a humble genius, and those convinced Flaggart was a lucky moron. Flaggart himself fanned the flames in a 1987 interview, explaining that he was dr...Read more...

'Black Friday' Sales Slow; Black People BlamedNovember 28, 2005
Flatbush, NJ
Whit Pistol
African-American and Caucasian shoppers gathered at a local Best Buy to present negative media images, while our photographer did a little trainspotting before the shoot.
T
he nation's African-American community had to bear another injustice over the weekend as it was revealed the sales on their own personal super-saving shopping event, "Black Friday," were moderate at best. Undoubtedly, the responsibility for the lower-than-projected sales will fall squarely on the shoulders of the black community.

"Sales were not as high as initially expected," announced economical tool and white person spokesperson Neil Van Hurst of Columbia University's School of Business. "This is owed mostly to continuing downward spending trends in recent holiday seasons." And its all the fault of black people, Van Hurst all but said.

"Black Friday," as it was named to instigate a race war, is the day-after-Thanksgiving sales event where prices at cheap retail ou...Read more...

Paul Giamatti snubbed in "Sexiest Man Alive" contest
Two suicide bombers hit Israel with deadly 'Hamas sandwich'
Wal-Mart replaces traditional "Merry Christmas" with "Buy More Shit Already" slogan
Paxil linked to clinical depression in newborns



December 12, 2005
Click for Biography

The Other Wedding of the Year

It's the end of an era, good people. Note the lowercase nature of the letters; it's not the end of a proposed Equal Rights Amendment. No, this is even greater, and something Christians would even approve of. My loyal roommate Camembert has gotten married.

No one was more misty-eyed than me, except all the women and the lesser men, when my good friend of many years, and distant relationship through my miserable second marriage, Camembert, married his girlfriend, Girl Elvis. Sometimes I doubted it would ever happen, but on Dec. 3 they were officially announced Mr. and Mrs. Camembert. Actually, I don't know the real names, but you get my gist. You can't rightly go around calling them Girl and Boy Elvis—there's already a Boy Elvis. The original Elvis, friends.

The cere...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“My love is like a red, red rose… always surrounded by pricks.”

-Wycked Burns
Fortune 500 Cookie
Duck! Jesus, did you see that? Now may be the time to consider ending your relationship with Columbia House. That weird lump you feel may not be an alien tracking device after all; go ahead and see a specialist. You won't remember the name of that Faith No More tribute band anytime soon.


Try again later.
Top 5 Things Heard on Election Night
1."Now keep in mind, with only 2% of the precincts reporting, it could go either way. But it certainly looks good for Mr. Nader at the moment."
2."What the fuck is that blue one? Vermont?"
3."The polls have just closed, and thank God, the bars are just opening…"
4."I can't believe this—even Wyoming has an electoral vote."
5."This is not happening… this is not happening…."
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Bush: U.S. Will Stay in Iraq Until Every American is Dead

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BY orson welch
12/12/2005
Another year comes to a close for the non- moronic side of the Entertainment Police (no disrespect to my non-movie-watching associate) and I, for one, look forward to putting the misery behind me. So let’s get to the films and save on gab time.


Fantastic Four
It did bear some resemblance to the original comic book, in as much as the film was also static and didn’t appear to move much. But while the comic book was fun and imaginative, if you’re into those sort of things, the film was standard and sleep-inducing. Five astronauts, all related and therefore probably from some sort of "Southern NASA" space program, go into space, screw things up, and end up more powerful for it. Only in comic books can an idiot be rewarded for his mistakes. You don’t see...Read more...