he White House, always on the search for rare species of human beings or close approximations, unearthed an impressive find last week: A female conservative. Defying usual stereotypes, the so-called "right-wing woman" is apparently not a career politician or from the deep rural South. In fact, she's completed higher education and appears to be not at all an idiot of any sort—though field-testing leaves the possibility open. And, perhaps most startling of all, the administration found the rare species in the most unlikeliest of places—within its own ranks.

The alleged female Republican is Harriet Miers, White House attorney and personal lawyer to the Bush clan for years. Born and raised in Dallas, a small state in the country of Texas, Miers earned several accolades for her legal work and previous appointments by Texas governor George W. Bush, no relation to the current president. Though she lacks any bench experience, discounting bus stops, Miers is a respected lawyer, despite being personal attorney to the president and the White House counsel.

The president, sorely in need of just such an animal, nominated the conservative woman for the Supreme Court immediately. It's a move that fits the Bush dynasty tradition, given President George Bush I nominating ultra-rare find conservative black man Clarence Thomas to the court in 1990. At the time, the senior Bush ignored several charges of sexual harassment and a bench history of seat-filling rather than leading, promoting the move as a huge victory for diversity.

"The Democrats want to cater to special interest groups and make nominations to curry votes," said Bush. "My administration is truly interested in minorities—real minorities. Right-wing blacks, archconservative women, gay members of the NRA, born-again Christian Jews. If you're one of a kind and can't find a friend in the world, maybe I'll put you on the Supreme Court!"

Little boy Bush was equally proud of his unique find.

"I'll tell you, soon as I found Ms. Miers here, I wanted to mount her," said the president, awkwardly laughing alone at his own joke during the press conference to announce the nomination. "You know… 'mount her' like… like a tiger I hunted and killed or something. Not like… you know. Kill her and stuff her kind of mount her. 'Cause she's rare and all. Special. Not that I wanted to kill 'er or anything. Not really. I just… maybe like a butterfly. Shove a huge pin through her. I'm not really gonna do it or anything, but you know what I mean…"

Despite our knowing the intention, the president carried on for a few more minutes to explain the poor joke. Reporters eventually interrupted to ask questions about Miers' qualifications, and the conservative response to the fact Miers has no history on the bench to judge her politics by.

"Gentlemen… and girl reporters, too: We can't get side-tracked on politics at a time like this. We were lucky to find a lady Limbaugh fan, and I'm darn well going to make sure she gets rewarded for being one of a kind. We have the space on the Supreme Court now, we needed a woman, and I'm pretty sure she fits the bill. We'll have doctors verify she's what she claims to be, but assuming that all works out, I think you're gazing at one heck of a Ultimate Justice. Whatever they're called."

Miers herself towed the official line, pledging her service to the Bush Round Table, but did let slip that years of settling the president's dirty out-of-court business finally paid off.

he new television season barely underway, Fox executives are already lamenting the low ratings for their most calculated new show of the season, Desperate Alien Prison Escape.

“We don’t understand it,� lamented stunned network executive Roger Bacon. “This show capitalized on every hot trend currently on TV. We even had swearing. It should have been the biggest hit of all time. Fuck.�

Fox’s latest ratings hopeful follows the travails of Juk, a member of a secret alien invasion conspiracy who intentionally gets arrested for sleeping with a bored suburban housewife in order to help his cousin escape from jail, using a detailed map he had tattooed on his scrotum, which due to his alien anatomy is located where a human being’s eyelids would be.

The series premier drew a 3.0 rating, which translates to 3 million households either watching the show or having the TV set to that station so they can play their X-box. The second episode of the season, however, was quickly down to a 0.1 rating, which at the time tied the record for the lowest-rated program previously set by the 1972 broadcast of the British Cooking Championships. The show’s most recent episode drew a disappointing -1 rating, which means it wasn’t even watched by the camera operators while filming. Industry insiders believe this fact explains the show’s avant-garde cinematography, with the camera often focused on the corner of a room’s ceiling while the scene’s principals are heard talking off-screen. That’s what industry insiders hear, anyway, not that any of them watched the show.

Few of Fox’s new shows have fared any better, including The Crew Chief, where Gary, Indiana McDonald’s employee Tyler Buick thrills viewers with this cutthroat fast food management style. The show’s limited appeal was clearly illustrated in this exchange between Buick and underperforming drive-thru cashier Gladys Phillips in the series’ pilot.

“You’re toast. Asta la pasta, dirtbag.�

“You don’t have the authority to fire me; you’re just the crew chief.�

“Sayonara, won’t see ya tomorra!�

“Get out of my face.�

“Thanks for playing. Don’t let the automatic sliding doors close on your ass now!�

Analysts believe the poor showing of Fox’s latest derivative programs may be a sign that viewers aren’t watching television any more, likely instead spending their time viewing pornography, playing video games, surfing the internet and freebasing cocaine.

Other analysts consider this analysis to be far-fetched, preferring to go the music industry route of blaming new technology for the public’s lack of interest in a low-grade product.

“This is all TiVo’s fault,� groaned Fox executive Nigel Thomas. “When you can watch things whenever you want, on your own schedule, I don’t know. That’s bad for some reason.�

Other Fox employees remain optimistic, suggesting that viewers are likely just too busy joining terrorist organizations to tune in to Fox’s fantastic new fall shows.

Hello commune:

Do I know you from somewhere? I could swear that I do. You seem so familiar. Are you the website where I got all that barnyard porn last year? Thanks a lot, if that's the case. I had to enroll in veterinary school to justify that one to my wife. But no, the more I think about it, that site had more horse cocks than yours. Where do I know you from? Were you the website that told me to buy all that stock in that edible dildo company? Again, thanks a lot. But I seem to remember they had all their fonts in pink. Hmm. Who are you guys? You must have been on the computer during my brother's wedding. Something like that. Weird.

Rick Splitz
Old Phone, Vermont

Dear Rick:

According to our exhaustive research and forensic computer analysis, we believe the sites in question to have been BustyBarnyardBitches.com, EatADick.com and DrunkBridesmaidBang.com. As for the commune, we don't believe you've ever visited our site, since we know all of our eleven visitors by IP address and think of them lovingly as family. Which may make it seem strange that we've even bothered to answer your letter, but we're confident that word of its publication will eventually reach you through the grapevine of pedophiles, speed freaks, Oakies, defamed Catholic priests, jigsaw puzzle enthusiasts and sub-Star Trek geeks who read the commune. Take care.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Please die.

Stacey Altamont
Redburn, Georgia


Dear Stacey:

Finally, a civil letter we can respond to. Good to hear from you again Stacey. Though we like to honor reader requests when possible (see "commune please cure my cancer," issue 37), we've run into a small problem with yours. Apparently there remain a few antiquated state laws on the books about mass murder within office buildings, even when sanctioned by a total stranger via US Mail. What will they think of next? Making it illegal to keep small children locked in your basement for the purpose of pay-per-view pitbull wrestling? Sorry Stacey, try writing your congressman a letter.

the commune

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Dear commune:

the commune's retrospective article on baseball pioneer Hank Greenberg (Big League Jew, July 14th) was both racist and derogatory. No it wasn't. Yes it was. The fact of the matter is that I don't know how I feel about the commune's Greenberg article. And this is a problem. Please make it a point to run articles in the future that I understand my feelings about more clearly. Thank you.

Dickie Waters
Bleaching, New Mexico


Dear Dickie:

Always happy to hear from a fan. Actually, we're not. Okay, we are. Hold on. We'll get back to you.

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for anyone's actions after reading the commune's first Book of the Month selection, "Why Do the Arabs Hate Us, and How Can We Kill Them?" We just liked the cool drawing on the cover.

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