isaster-relief officials in New Orleans made a stern announcement today to the thousands of celebrities descending upon the devastated city in hopes of providing humanitarian aid in exchange for career-boosting photo ops: We’re serious; you really need to leave now.

“We’ve got to get these fucking celebrities out of New Orleans,� sighed an exasperated Lt. Mark Bolio of the Army’s 92nd Airborne. “They’re drinking up all our bottled water and bitching about the catering all day.�

The influx of famous faces has weighed as a heavy burden on officials who have spent the last week scrambling to get everyone out of the city-shaped deathtrap. Receding water levels have exposed a nightmare world of toxic contamination, with nearly the entire city soaking in deadly levels of E. coli bacteria, lead, crude oil, PCBs, asbestos, leptospirosis, battery acid, herbicides, raw sewage, DDT, snakes, and according to at least one local, cooties. After busting a nut trying to remove the bulk of New Orleans’ stubbornly entrenched locals, many of whom refused to leave their pets or belongings, the Army was not prepared to deal with the celebrity occupation.

“We had this one crazy old lady who wouldn’t leave without her million cats, so we had to drown all her cats in the back yard,� anecdotalized Pvt. Jeremy Pankin, animal lover. “I mean, that is, all her cats drown in the back yard. Yeah.�

According to officials, 95% of the people now remaining in New Orleans qualify as celebrities, with the jury still out on John Stamos and a few others. Most are reportedly taking turns rescuing each other from various perilous locations around the sunken city.

“Thassa haw nyaom flawn dawg,� drawled local plumber Cornell Hughes, possibly speaking about the celebrity situation in New Orleans. “Shaw golla farn myaw.�

Oscar-winning actor Sean Penn, 45, has drawn the most attention after arriving last week with his entourage in a boat that immediately sank, despite frantic efforts at beer-cup bailing. Reports are unclear as to whether Penn was here to help the locals, or if he was rehearsing for his role in an upcoming Woody Allen comedy.

“When you see people in trouble on TV, as a celebrity you can’t just stand idly by,� explained singer Harry Connick Jr., who like every other jazz musician, claims to be from New Orleans. “That’s why I’ve been here for the last few days, walking around and telling people I’m Harry Connick Jr.�

Other celebrities either rescued or ejected from the city by the National Guard this week include Fab Morvan, formerly of Milli Vanilli, rapper Flavor Flav, the Dixie Chicks, Leonard Nimoy, radio personality Dr. Phil, the Oak Ridge Boys, Paul Reubens, Sista Souljah, writer Stephen King, the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir, tennis pro Ivan Lendl, Sting, actor Mickey Rourke, and three members of the alt-fluff quartet the Cardigans.

R&B singer Macy Gray wisely decided to give the highly toxic and in all likelihood instantly carcinogenic city a wide berth, instead volunteering to hand out t-shirts and condoms to refugees at the Astrodome in Houston.

“You kiddin’ me?� questioned Gray when asked about her decision. “That place is like the Chernobyl Water Park. I wouldn’t even drive past that state with the windows down. I already got curly hair, you know?�

Meanwhile, Fox crews have been on hand in New Orleans all week to film a new reality show based on the celebrities’ and locals’ exciting efforts to sneak back into the watery grave that used to be their city. According to network officials, I Forgot Something! will premiere on Fox later this fall.

EMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, proved itself unprepared for the post-hurricane situation in Louisiana, and now will have to prepare itself for an even more deadly assault on its reputation. The publicity disaster follows reports in The Washington Post and other media outlets that FEMA fem and director Michael Brown may be less than qualified for the position he holds. Federal agency historians are describing it as possibly the worst media-related catastrophe to ever strike the organization.

Damage to the agency's character hasn't been fully assessed, but early estimates predict anywhere from one to five careers may be permanently injured or even extinguished. Early signs of the disaster's effects came when the White House reversed its original "FEMA good" public statements for the more critical "FEMA can do better" statements of recent days.

The fallout comes from public outrage over the slowness and inefficiency of relief efforts in the wake of the hurricane Katrina disaster and the extent of destruction from floods in the Louisiana area. As the outcry increased, media outlets investigating FEMA Director Michael Brown uncovered sources who say the director may have misrepresented his qualifications or been misrepresented by people in the administration. Some are accusing the administration and Brown's supporters of making him the director because of his work on the Bush campaign, rather than his experience with disaster relief—not that the Bush campaign was unofficially a disaster, but such a designation doesn't put it on par with the flooding of New Orleans.

Last week, the president commended the FEMA director with a resounding and dignified, "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." Quite a contrast to the administration's more recent admission the relief efforts were going abysmally slow, and Thursday's remark by the president, "Brownie, get your shit together. Quit dragging ass and get 'r' done or we're gonna shitcan you."

But some are asking, given the degree to which Brown's resume may have been misrepresented, if the FEMA director shouldn't be shitcanned already. With the poor relief efforts attracting media attention and adding lead to the president's always-precarious approval rating, Brown was removed from his on-site duties in the relief efforts. Such an action may precipitate Brown's stepping down from his position to make way for some other Bush crony with slightly more experience.

Reports surfaced this week that 5 of 8 top FEMA officials, including Brown, had little or no previous disaster relief experience, and at least 3 played vital roles in the Bush 2000 election campaign. Director Brown himself cited only one disaster-related job, allegedly overseeing disaster relief efforts in Edmond, Oklahoma, but sources now say the job was closer to "administrative assistant" or "intern," or in the common parlance, "little bitch" to the real boss.

If Brown is asked to stepped down from his role at FEMA, some are already anticipating a quick appointment by the president for his old supporter. Insiders at the White House are talking about the possibility of a Federal Emergency Public Relations Agency (the less-interesting acronym FEPRA), who will need someone to run it with the kind of publicity disaster experience only this most recent crisis can provide.

I've never been one to player hate; you all know that about me. And sibling rivalry is so last decade. So you know I'm serious when I tell you that those of you worshiping my brother are making a big mistake.

Phil's got good hair, I'll give him that. That's always been his strength. And I can understand people seeing that, and thinking "You know, that guy's got great hair. I bet he's got it all figured out" right before they shave their heads and start wearing the periwinkle jumpsuits.

But hold on one second, Philgrims. Have you really thought about what you're doing here? Don't throw your life away worshiping a second-rate deity. For one, Phil grinds his teeth in his sleep. That's the truth, honest to Phil. Take it from someone who's shared a bunk bed with the man. Grind grind grind, all night long. And I don't think you'll find any reference to rubber sleeping teeth-guards that in your precious Gospel According to Phil.

Secondly, this isn't the first religion Phil has started. I know, the truth hurts sometimes, but you people aren't his first followers. The Philologists were the first, and those guys had it way better than you.

The main difference between Newphilonomy and Philology was that back then Phil didn't have a mustache, and you were allowed to eat meat. I know, don't you envy those lucky bastards? They could grill up a juicy porterhouse any old time they liked, without any celestial recompense. While you poor suckers are left eating warm oats in mushroom broth. You ask me, and I say you guys got the shit end of the Phil's-religions stick.

I mean, what can you do for fun? You can't play dominoes. And no water-skiing, you know that's out. And I'm not sure I understand why, but somebody told me humming is totally forbidden. Hmm. Oops, sorry, didn't mean to blasphemize.

And I can't imagine anybody really likes going door to door, selling condoms. I don't know whose idea of a religious hallmark that was. Or rather I do: Phil. And aren't you guys tired of wearing those adult diapers all the time? I don't care if a fallen angel invented the toilet; I'm still going to shit in one. And you should too. You really should, especially if you want to be invited into my house ever again.

Sure, I understand Phil's got his pleasant attributes, but have you ever considered Roger Andrews? That's me. I'm doing all right, and you could certainly worship worse. Like that fat guy from Korea, what's up with that? I'm way better-looking than him and his creepy eyes.

And my religion is way less uptight than Phil's, you can trust me on that. Actually, I'm taking suggestions right now, how's that for flexible? So what do you want the modern Church of Roger to look like? Smart outfits with matching shoes? Done. Holy Communion with nacho poppers instead of bread? Gotcha. Sermons in under 35 seconds? I can do that. Let's see, what else? We've got to ban something. How about oatmeal cookies? Never liked those. And I'm allergic to pecans. But I'll leave that part up to democratic vote at the next meeting of the Rogerists.

So remember, for your worshiping needs, why not consider Roger Andrews? He's like the savior's cooler brother who just got back from Europe. Say, that's kind of catchy. I feel a bumper sticker coming on.

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