he world remains shocked and eerily obsessed with the mortal departure of ABC news anchor Peter Jennings after his short but well-publicized battle with cancer. With several primetime memorial specials, newspaper editorials, and lots of merchandise on the way to local stores, people are remembering the legacy of the deceased newsman. But no matter what else people might say about the mark he left, one thing all can agree on: He read the news.

"He not only changed the way we thought about the news, but the way we watched the news," said media kiss-ass Earl Shmonster. "I have no examples to back that up. But you name any news event in the past twenty years, you can bet Peter Jennings covered it. Or introduced us to the guy who was covering it. He was faithfully at his desk whenever something happened that the nation needed to be told about."

Jennings' death, both tragic and timely, has seized the consciousness of a nation that had all but given up on paying attention to the news. His terminal illness has been a dazzling source of conversation and meditation on our own mortality. While some people are already talking about who will be the next ABC news anchor, one thing is patently clear: They will have to die in a really horrific way to steal back the nation's focus from the late Peter Jennings.

"Jennings was a consummate reporter," said a national news editorial copied nearly word for word a thousand times over since the anchor man's death. "He was always in the field, when he wasn't behind the anchor desk. His soothing voice and rugged good looks kept us all calm and placated while he told us about AIDS, rising poverty, election fraud, space shuttles blowing up, and, more recently, terrorism. He was more than the face of ABC network news: He was its voice, too."

The Peter Jennings' death frenzy has carried over beyond a hurricane of media coverage, including a bevy of Jennings-related items for sale on eBay and a series of Jennings news pieces headed for DVD to offer consolation to grief-stricken Jennings fans who possess money. But Jennings' death has affected the world in non-marketable ways, too, convincing several in the population to find out more information about lung cancer. The first thing most of them learn from Jennings' experience: Don't get it.

Spokesperson Nanny Freedmont from the Rubb-Houston Center for Celebrity Deaths: "The death of Peter Jennings was more than the loss of a father, husband, and media professional: It was the loss of someone famous. A person who we saw regularly on the TV every night for years, and whom we've developed a perfectly healthy attachment to. We considered him a friend, and we feel the void he's left behind, and will continue to until at least the next celebrity passes away tragically."

Jennings' departure sparked hundreds of responses from people everywhere, but since we've never heard of most of them, we only selected a few to cover. Like this one from the American Cancer Association:

"Hundreds of thousands of people die from lung cancer every year. But none of them were famous. God bless ye, Peter Jennings, America's nightly news Jesus."

Another fond farewell came from colleague and friendly nightly news rival Dan Rather.

"Jennings was a fine newsman and always read the news without error. He was never stymied by the more challenging words, like 'fiduciary responsibility.' He will be missed. Me, on the other hand, going out in a puff of smoke and a blaze of scandal. I mean, what the fuck, America? What would it take to get a simple friendly good-bye from you people? I'm not on the news anymore either, you know. I guess I'll have to burst into fucking flame or something to get a 'So long and fuck off, Dan!'"

Speaking of bursting into fucking flame, the commune news pays its own final tribute to the world's greatest news reader, Peter Jennings: Out, out, brief candle.

n the wake of a landmark $253 million lawsuit that found the company liable for heart damage caused by its arthritis painkiller Vioxx, things went from bad to shitty bad for drug giant Merck this week, as a group of prescription drug abusers announced they were suing the company for taking Vioxx off the market during the shitstorm of controversy last year.

“We were all hooked on Vioxx, and Merck left us high and dry,� sobbed prescription painkiller addict and group spokesperson Beth Simmons of Noodle Cove, Maine. “Somebody needs to pay for all the bedspreads I shit while I was detoxing after Merck’s short-sighted decision to yank Vioxx off the market.�

“Just because a few pussies had heart attacks is no reason to put good people through the hell we’ve all been through,� added group member Tom Cripe. “Shame on you, Merck.�

“Vioxx got you high as shit,� agreed fellow abuser Dennis Melvin, staring off into space.

Though unusual, the lawsuit is not as revolutionary as many might assume. It follows in the footsteps of last year’s landmark State of Louisiana Vs. BDI Pharmaceuticals settlement, which found manufacturer BDI liable for the productivity lost and emotional damage caused when they reformulated their Mini Thins ephedrine tablets under the new name Mini Two-Way Action, to prevent abuse by truckers and to boost sales among rhinoceros horn-grinding aphrodisiac freaks.

“Merck formed a good-faith pact with their customers,� explained prosecuting attorney Ray Longam. “An implicit agreement that said: you get hooked on our pills, crushing them up and snorting them up your nose, or shooting a solution into your ass fat, scamming your insurance company out of thousands to feed your addiction, or turning to the black market to buy Vioxx pills stolen out of the medicine cabinets of old ladies, you hold up your end of the bargain, and we’ll keep you high as fuck all the time. Only Merck didn’t live up to their end of the bargain. And that’s just not right. Somebody’s got to stand up for the little guy.�

Joe Borchard, a little guy who estimates he snorted over $10,000 in powdered Vioxx pills during the painkiller’s short reign, is happy to know his voice will finally be heard. “I had to switch to OxyContin after they took Vioxx off the market. And that was a major pain in the ass. I could never remember how to spell it. One time I snorted a whole bottle of pimple cream on accident, and that shit dried out my brain for like three weeks.�

A Merck spokesperson, however, finds the lawsuit to be absurd.

“These people are clearly stupid,� explained Merck spokesperson Charles Ludlow. “Vicodin will get you so high you shit your pants and don’t even know it. So what were these people doing messing around with Vioxx? If we give these people a few million dollars in a settlement, they’re probably just going to blow it trying to get high off asthma medicine or something.�

Legal experts contend that an unfavorable judgment could cost Merck millions in expired Vioxx tablets, rumored to be buried in bunkers in the New Mexico desert. Industry insiders suggest that the pharmaceutical giant would be better served by paying off the plaintiffs before the trial even begins with free samples of Arcoxia, the company’s Vioxx replacement, which is twice as addictive as Vioxx and gets you so high there’s no way you’d get to the courthouse on time.

Hey gang, chain gangs, and other gang members. Welcome to the commune’s first ever live chat with Griswald Dreck, answerman extraordinaire. Send in your questions now, and Dreck will put a hurting on them when he gets here at 2pm ET.


2:01pm
 Griswald Dreck: It’s on, bitch!

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Roger (Tumora, GA): hey Griswald what’s the biggestthing you ever et?

 Griswald Dreck: Roger, Roger, Roger. Why do you grace my inbox with your inimitable presence? No really, why? The courts want to know. Rather than answer your question, Roger, I’d prefer to provide you with a service you’ll come to find far more valuable. I’d like you kick you in the nuts and prevent you from breeding. Since this is difficult to accomplish through the forum of an online chat, instead I’ll recommend walking up to the next pretty girl you see, and telling her you love what she’s done with the wallpaper in her bedroom. Should accomplish the same ends.

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Chancey (STL): Hey Griswald, love the column. Or I loved a column, actually I’m not sure who wrote it. But whatever. Anyway, some asshole told me it was a scam to buy checks from the bank because the constitution says you can write a check on anything, like your ass or whatever, and the bank has to take it. Is this true? Have I really been throwing away dozens of dollars over the years on fluffy kitty checks that I didn’t even need. If so, consider me pissed.

 Griswald Dreck: Yeah Chancey, you’re an asshole. Oh, I’m sorry, that wasn’t the question. Getting to the point, yes you can write a check on pretty much anything and the bank will honor it, unless it’s a piece of fresh fish, because that gums up their machinery pretty badly. Over the years people have written checks on all kinds of things just to be funny or total dicks. Sometimes both, either funny total dicks or total funny dicks. My favorite is the story of the man who owed his neighbor $30, so he painted a $30 check on a door and dropped it on the neighbor from the roof as he was walking by. The beauty of that move is that you know the check will never be cashed, since it’s going to be in police custody as evidence in the murder trial. Sometimes you really can beat the system.

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Philbert (Jewston, NJ): That’s crazy dude. So, related question: Can you mail anything? Like if my bro in Philly lost one of his shoes, could I stick a stamp on 1 of mine and chuck it in the mailbox? If so, how much does that cost????????

 Griswald Dreck: It is true you can mail pretty much anything you want without a box, except for live tigers or knives with the handle cut off. Some joker tried both of those in one week back in 1974 and ruined the fun for the rest of us. So yes, you could put a stamp on a shoe and mail it if you wanted to. But it would only really be worth it if the shoe was covered in dog shit, as an act of revenge against an enemy and/or a nasty postal carrier. Pretty much anything else weird you could mail would fall into the “Shoulda mailed the dog shit shoe insteadâ€� category. Also, as a word of advice, you should probably mail your brother both of your shoes, or else you’re both going to look like dipshits. More so.

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Bob (Pittsburg): Hey GD- how come they got rid of bullpen carts in baseball?

 Griswald Dreck: Ah, Bob. I thought you’d stopped writing. As I’ve explained several times before, they stopped using bullpen carts in baseball because some insane asshole from Pittsburg kept writing to the commissioner, asking him why they used bullpen carts in baseball. This was driving everyone nuts, and the powers that be in MLB thought that getting rid of the carts would remedy the problem. Obviously they were as mistaken about this as they were about their decision to put fat men in stretchy pants.

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E. Zender (Shanesly, VT): Mr. Dreck: So, what’s it like working with all those crazy personalities at the commune? With free spirits like Omar Bricks and Ivana Folger-Balzac around, I bet it’s a blast!

 Griswald Dreck: It’s a lot like playing on a softball team with the Manson family, except without the fun of playing softball.

 Griswald Dreck: It’s a lot like playing on a softball team with the Manson family, except without the fun of playing softball.

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Big Dan (Penn St): i’ve always wondered what it would be like to fart in space. so??

 Griswald Dreck: Finally, a thoughtful, civilized question. I’m kidding of course Dan. But I’ll still answer your question in order to fulfill my foolish New Year’s Resolution to share the light of knowledge with the dull masses. And the answer is this: You still wouldn’t have any friends. Sorry.

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E. Zender (Shanesly, VT): Mr. Dreck, any chance that any of the esteemed commune staff will be attending the communeCon (a.k.a. Seventh commune Enthusiasts Club meeting) here in Shanesly in November? I hope I know the answer!

 Griswald Dreck: Not unless you count as a staff member, Emil. In other words: ha ha ha.

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Rick T. (Noboken, VT): How comes when you see the reflection of your face in a spoon, it’s all upsidown and shit? Freakshoww!

 Griswald Dreck: This has a lot to do with the way light refracts off of concave and convex surfaces, Rick. Because of the way that physics work, when you concentrate hard enough on the concave surface of a spoon, the light beams re-arrange your facial molecules until your entire face is on upside-down. Thankfully the face goes back pretty quick after you take away the spoon, unless it’s a full moon. Try not to do this around any small children, Rick, as it may shake them loose of their sanity.

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Dennis Falkner (Cleveland, OH): In Star Wars: A New Hope, rogue space smuggler Han Solo boasts to Luke and Obi-Wan that the Millennium Falcon could make the famed “Kessel Run� in under twelve parsecs. But a parsec is a measure of distance, not time! Did Solo mean that he had somehow found a shorter route through the Run, or was Lucas simply that naïve about matters of space/time?!?

 Griswald Dreck: I’m sorry, did you ask a question? I stopped reading after you mentioned Star Wars. Okay, I’m lying, I stopped reading after I heard you were from Cleveland. I mean come on.

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E. Zender (Shanesly, VT): Me again Griswald. If you could be any historical figure, past or present (commune employee or otherwise) who would it be? And why?

 Griswald Dreck: Okay, last Emil Zender question. There is only one correct answer to this question, regardless of whom you ask, and that

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