You need a newer browser.

July 18, 2005   
Rotten fruit of the gods
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Indiana Postgrad Awarded Controversial TomKat GrantJuly 18, 2005
Bloomington, Indiana
Assad the Unseen
Cruise, Holmes, Williams and a funny t-shirt we bought off eBay
I
ndiana University graduate student Ian Williams made headlines this week after receiving a $4 million grant from the Center for Cultural Studies to untangle the fascinatingly twisted web of rumors surrounding the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes romance. While some have called the grant ludicrously frivolous, many others expressed relief that somebody else would be figuring this crazy shit out for them.

"Thank God," sighed IU Professor Richard Luxborough. "I got so confused thinking about this last week I almost threw up. Is he gay? Are they really in love? And what's with that crazy motherfucker jumping all over the couch like that? Every answer just spawns a hundred new questions. I wish Ian the best in his research; I think his quantum physics minor is really going to be put to the ...Read more...

British Nearly Affected by London Terror AttacksJuly 11, 2005
London, Jolly Olde England
Junior Bacon
London commuter and mylar balloon enthusiast Roary Tubbs wonders aloud why the subway’s so bloody late today
W
ith their famously stoic façade put to the ultimate test, Londoners came through with flying colors this week, failing to register the slightest emotion in the face of stunning terror attacks on the city’s mass transit system that left 50 dead and over 700 wounded.

“Oh yes, it was quite a mess,” explained commuter Harold Alburn, who was aboard one of the bombed subway trains and only survived due to being caked in a human cocoon formed by the flaming remains of his fellow passengers. “That rail line’s going to be down for weeks, you have to assume.”

“This is to be expected of the British,” explained psychologist/ historian hybrid Dennis Mugrew. “I mean, what did you expect? Wild, hyperbolic shows of emotion? These people didn’t even have their...Read more...

Cruise portfolios remain strong, in spite of shaky economy
Ring tones changed again on personal Cruise cell phone
Iranian election results: 0 ballots for Cruise
Trump buys land from Trump; Trump screwed in deal



July 18, 2005
Click for Biography

Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!

Excerpts from the blog of movie enthusiast/Spineless Magazine reviewer Joel Dickman

Who doesn't love Tom Cruise? The Chinese, maybe, and while I wouldn't put it past them, I can't see how anyone doesn't love ol' Tom! Except Brooke Shields. And psychiatrists. And have you seen how Rosie turned on him?!? MEE-OWWW!

But the rest of the world still loves him. Including yours truly—the queen! I've heard it through an unnamed internet website that Tom got to meet with the queen personally the last time he was in EnglandRead more...

º Last Column: I Think This New Stacked Show's Gonna Be a Giant Tit!
º more columns







Quote of the Day
“Freedom is a fragile thing, and must be protected; however, it is nowhere near as fragile as my aunt's vase, so it seems a fair exchange to lock you in your room for two weeks, you little hooligan.”

-Mom
Fortune 500 Cookie
More fruit, dammit!—more fruit, I say! Time to give up the blackmail scheme; there's no getting blood from a stone. Flush once for yes, twice for no. You'll bury all your old grudges this week, and grandpa—sorry, I suppose we could have let you know in a nicer way. Bad dog goes horrible dog this weekend.


Try again later.
Worst Arguments Used Against Right-to-Die Advocates
1.Can't learn to play fiddle when you're dead
2.My personal religion goes against it, ergo, you should do what I say
3.Star Wars III looks like it's going to redeem the series
4.Probably no afterlife, just a harrowing void of darkness and stillness for eternity
5.Got a really good feeling things are gonna turn around for you, man
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Hurricane Dennis Sets Sights on Wilson Flower Garden

View Past Columns
BY b. brown dullard
7/18/2005
Scienetics
Since the beginning of the dawn of time, science man has longed for the answer to the questions of the mind and the science of thinking. From the French peasant to the uppity French king, men of all walks of life, regardless of how much coin they pocket, have asked these questions: Who am I? Who is that guy? Why am I so unhappy? What is keeping me from the things I want? Why don’t I have a goddamn pot to piss in and Cheurvier, that cocky shit, he has that chapeau down on Napoleon Street?

At last, someone has created a science to answer those questions: Scienetics.

Scienetics isn’t some phony voodoo, like voodoo or psychiatry; Scienetics is a fully-copyrighted blueprint of how the mind works, or fails to work, and how we can kick our own minds in the ass or t...Read more...