|
July 18, 2005 |
Bloomington, Indiana Assad the Unseen Cruise, Holmes, Williams and a funny t-shirt we bought off eBay ndiana University graduate student Ian Williams made headlines this week after receiving a $4 million grant from the Center for Cultural Studies to untangle the fascinatingly twisted web of rumors surrounding the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes romance. While some have called the grant ludicrously frivolous, many others expressed relief that somebody else would be figuring this crazy shit out for them.
"Thank God," sighed IU Professor Richard Luxborough. "I got so confused thinking about this last week I almost threw up. Is he gay? Are they really in love? And what's with that crazy motherfucker jumping all over the couch like that? Every answer just spawns a hundred new questions. I wish Ian the best in his research; I think his quantum physics minor is really going to be put to the ...
ndiana University graduate student Ian Williams made headlines this week after receiving a $4 million grant from the Center for Cultural Studies to untangle the fascinatingly twisted web of rumors surrounding the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes romance. While some have called the grant ludicrously frivolous, many others expressed relief that somebody else would be figuring this crazy shit out for them.
"Thank God," sighed IU Professor Richard Luxborough. "I got so confused thinking about this last week I almost threw up. Is he gay? Are they really in love? And what's with that crazy motherfucker jumping all over the couch like that? Every answer just spawns a hundred new questions. I wish Ian the best in his research; I think his quantum physics minor is really going to be put to the test on this one."
"Any high school kid who wrote their term paper on this topic knows the basics," explained a cocky Williams, well versed in TomKat lore thanks to the celebrity blog/ Access Hollywood/ street-level trash talk research he did in preparing his grant proposal. "Tom was having a steamy homo affair with Rob Thomas, Matchbox-20's bisexual lead singer, only to be caught with his pants down by Rob's wife Marisol. She was bought off by Cruise for over $10 million and the promise that she'd never have to listen to Matchbox-20 again. But Cruise's people still had to act fast and get Cruise's name stamped on some vagina before another damaging gay rumor hit the street."
"And of course that's where Katie comes in," continued Williams. "But what most high-schoolers don't know, unless they read my blog, is that Katie wasn't the first choice of Tom's people. She wasn't Tom's first choice either, but he wanted Antonio Banderas so that's neither here nor there. Tom's people made up a list of B-list actresses who might jump at the chance to boost their careers and pick up a little coin via a sham fag-hag wedding. Number one on their list was Jessica Alba, but they couldn't get through to her without resorting to 'stamp once for yes' communication tricks. Next they wanted Jennifer Garner, but she had this weird Ben Affleck smell on her that kept making Tom sneeze."
"So the mantle fell to Lindsay Lohan," Williams elaborated, drawing a crowd of eager eavesdroppers. "But then it turned out she'd lost so much weight recently that when she turns sideways she almost disappears, like some weird X-Files villain, and that was freaking Tom out at night. Scarlett Johansson seemed like a safe bet after that, but then Tom started talking about Scientology and she ran like a startled deer, leading to an unfortunate but action-packed escape sequence, some of the footage from which reportedly is going to turn up in this summer's The Island. Sofia Vergara was next on the list, followed by Kate Bosworth, but Tom didn't know who either of them was, and this got him all excited about being gal-pals with Sofia Coppola or possibly hooking up with former football stud Brian Bosworth, so they wisely dropped both of those. Finally it fell to poor little Katie, who cashed in at $5 million for five years with the contract stipulation that she'll never, ever have to see Cruise's penis, which is a better deal than either of Michael Jackson's wives ever got."
"And Katie's actually been playing the role fairly well," raved Williams. "That story about her growing up with a Tom Cruise poster on her wall was brilliant." According to Williams, Holmes' childhood bedroom also featured posters of the rock band Guns 'N' Roses and the horse from The Black Stallion, which doesn't bode well for Holmes' future relationships should the marriage pact with Cruise ever fall victim to downsizing.
Strange as the story may seem to normal humans, veteran rumor-mongers find it excitingly plausible.
"Fans have been in denial of Cruise's gayness ever since Top Gun," gushed legendary New York gossip columnist Dr. Dish. "Quentin Tarantino was right, that movie was gay on fire. I don't care how many times he plays some dude driving a minivan in some movie now; I ain't buying it after that one. Forget homoerotic overtones, that thing was turned up to Gay 11. That thing was all ate up with gayness."
Dr. Dish also points to persistent rumors that Cruise's relationships with Nichole Kidman and Penelope Cruz were both contractual affairs, providing the then-obscure actresses with money, a career boost and lavish lifestyles while acting as a smokescreen for Cruise's long-term relationship with an Asian American Airlines pilot he has stashed away in Chicago. And we mean the pilot is Asian, not that there's a new airline called Asian-American Airlines. Weird.
Though only slightly less convoluted than the saga of Area 51, the TomKat rumors would help explain the speed of the couple's courtship, as well as Cruise's frenzied and bizarre attempts to keep his recent engagement in the headlines. Veteran rumor-whores also recognize a familiar pattern in the Church of Scientology's involvement, since the red hot rumor of the mid-90's was that church wranglers were working overtime to conceal long-time church member John Travolta's hyper-promiscuous gayness.
"That's outside my area of expertise," Williams said when asked for the scoop on the Travolta rumor. "I did my undergrad work on Richard Gere, which frankly doesn't do me a hell of a lot of good now." the commune news has always loved a juicy new rumor, unless it involves the blissful happiness of one of our ex-girlfriends. Have some goddamned respect, people. Ivana Folger-Balzac has been the focus of many rumors in her day, every last one of them involving overly-optimistic reports of her grisly death.
| July 11, 2005 |
London, Jolly Olde England Junior Bacon London commuter and mylar balloon enthusiast Roary Tubbs wonders aloud why the subway’s so bloody late today ith their famously stoic façade put to the ultimate test, Londoners came through with flying colors this week, failing to register the slightest emotion in the face of stunning terror attacks on the city’s mass transit system that left 50 dead and over 700 wounded. “Oh yes, it was quite a mess,” explained commuter Harold Alburn, who was aboard one of the bombed subway trains and only survived due to being caked in a human cocoon formed by the flaming remains of his fellow passengers. “That rail line’s going to be down for weeks, you have to assume.” “This is to be expected of the British,” explained psychologist/ historian hybrid Dennis Mugrew. “I mean, what did you expect? Wild, hyperbolic shows of emotion? These people didn’t even have their...
ith their famously stoic façade put to the ultimate test, Londoners came through with flying colors this week, failing to register the slightest emotion in the face of stunning terror attacks on the city’s mass transit system that left 50 dead and over 700 wounded. “Oh yes, it was quite a mess,” explained commuter Harold Alburn, who was aboard one of the bombed subway trains and only survived due to being caked in a human cocoon formed by the flaming remains of his fellow passengers. “That rail line’s going to be down for weeks, you have to assume.” “This is to be expected of the British,” explained psychologist/ historian hybrid Dennis Mugrew. “I mean, what did you expect? Wild, hyperbolic shows of emotion? These people didn’t even have their pulses raised by WWII. Even when London itself was being bombed in 1940, people were still going out to the pubs and leading their lives as if there weren’t giant bomb craters in the street, and acting as if the pub itself was not on fire. Frankly, I don’t think total thermonuclear annihilation would have much of an effect on the English disposition.” “Yes yes, bloody terrible,” mumbled carpet-layer Damon Brink semi-intelligibly, hoisting his customary 7am pint. “This resolute façade of dour, dutiful melancholy has served the English well through eons of adversity and truly shitty weather,” explained England expert and grinder-sandwich-eating champion Maxwell Tuft. “It’s like American optimism or weird Japanese cartoon sex fetishes. You don’t mess with success.” “It’s a bloody shame about those people,” sighed stockbroker Theodore McCartney, who lost his entire family in the blasts. “You certainly feel for their loved ones. But, you know, life must go on.” “Nope, sorry, I’m afraid I’ve had my humanity bred out of me, perhaps eons ago,” explained tailor Nigel Ruffalo when asked about the attacks, with an upper lip so stiff he could be mistaken for a duck. Authorities believe the attacks to be the work of a terrorist cell with the inappropriately-hilarious name of “The Secret Organization of al-Qaeda in Europe,” which, as the name describes, is thought to be both secret and organized, and reportedly allows only cell members into its tree fort. The British have saved their strongest displays of emotion for these alleged terrorists. “That’s just not playing cricket,” complained Londoner Angie Lowell, the most enraged person in all of England. “Them bad sorts ought to be put to for what they done, had a real talking-to, you know. Can’t have this sort of thing going on, mucking about on the trains when we’ve got places to be.” Meanwhile, the reporting of this story was complicated by confusion over interview subjects who claimed to have been on the tube at the time of the attacks, which this American reporter assumed to mean the television, leading to a mistaken belief that everyone in England gets to be on TV. This reporter’s intense jealousy, however, soon abated as soon as he learned that “the tube” is a quaint British euphemism for the toilet. the commune news sends their deepest condolences to everyone who suffered through last week’s terrible tragedy, by which we mean of course the season finale of Dancing with the Stars. Ivan Nacutchacokov was disappointed by the lack of visceral tragedy and worldwide attention existing in the commune offices upon his return from London to report this story, and we were equally disappointed to have him back.
| Cruise portfolios remain strong, in spite of shaky economy Ring tones changed again on personal Cruise cell phone Iranian election results: 0 ballots for Cruise Trump buys land from Trump; Trump screwed in deal |
|
|
|
July 18, 2005 Tom Cruise Loves That Woman!Excerpts from the blog of movie enthusiast/Spineless Magazine reviewer Joel Dickman
Who doesn't love Tom Cruise? The Chinese, maybe, and while I wouldn't put it past them, I can't see how anyone doesn't love ol' Tom! Except Brooke Shields. And psychiatrists. And have you seen how Rosie turned on him?!? MEE-OWWW!
But the rest of the world still loves him. Including yours truly—the queen! I've heard it through an unnamed internet website that Tom got to meet with the queen personally the last time he was in England
º Last Column: I Think This New Stacked Show's Gonna Be a Giant Tit! º more columns
Excerpts from the blog of movie enthusiast/Spineless Magazine reviewer Joel DickmanWho doesn't love Tom Cruise? The Chinese, maybe, and while I wouldn't put it past them, I can't see how anyone doesn't love ol' Tom! Except Brooke Shields. And psychiatrists. And have you seen how Rosie turned on him?!? MEE-OWWW! But the rest of the world still loves him. Including yours truly—the queen! I've heard it through an unnamed internet website that Tom got to meet with the queen personally the last time he was in England! She's got so much drag over there, they call her the "drag queen." Betcha didn't know that! It was a secret meeting, but my source swears it happened! After all these years, Tom is still on top! His movie War of the Worlds made millions of dollars—maybe billions! But Tom couldn't have done it alone. Who couldn't use a little help from billion-dollar director Steven Spielberg?!? That's right, the man who made E.T. and Oskar Schindler household names! But what everybody wants to know is: Is Tom really, truly in love with hotactress Katie Holmes? Turns out he is!!! Tom told Oprah Winfrey himself that he, and I quote, " loves this woman!" The woman he was referring to was Katie Holmes! Let the cynics think the worst, but you heard it from Tom's mouth itself—it's for real! Katie Holmes: What a hottie!!! Sure, she may have a kinda weird face, but she's got a body to die for!! Remember when she talked about her breasts on that Dawson's Creek show?!? TSSSSSSSSS! (Sizzle sound). I couldn't be happier she's found true love at last with a star worthy of her hottitude! She used to be with big zero Chris Klein, the Keanu Reeves lookalike from America Pie; but instead of making the natural jump to Tom Cruise lookalike Peter Facinelli, she went for the big Cruise himself! Not only a hot body, but business smart, too! Matt Lauer: What is with that guy? His star is on the drop these days, you can bet, after getting all mouthy with Tom-Tom on his daytime fad Today show about Ritalin. Hey, Matt, are you a doctor? I didn't think so. Leave the medical advice to celebrities who are more prepared to talk about such stuff. Tom's read the lit(erature). You haven't! Brooke Shields: Someone needs to get off the anti-depressants!!! Take advice from one celebrity to another—your career's gone nowhere! It used to be you could get your baby pictures in Playboy or get a clever sitcom on NBC—now the best you can do is write a book. Or put your name on it, sometimes you can't tell with some celebrities. Give up on the psychiatry and get with the Scientology! Ritalin's shitalin! Ditch the pseudoscience mumbo jumbo and find yourself a not new religion. You'll be back in the spotlight in no time! The Future: What's next for Tom Cruise? Nobody knows! Except Hollywood! But is it possible there's a Mission: Impossible III on the horizon? Sounds… possible! º Last Column: I Think This New Stacked Show's Gonna Be a Giant Tit!º more columns |
|
| |
Quote of the Day“Freedom is a fragile thing, and must be protected; however, it is nowhere near as fragile as my aunt's vase, so it seems a fair exchange to lock you in your room for two weeks, you little hooligan.”
-MomFortune 500 CookieMore fruit, dammit!—more fruit, I say! Time to give up the blackmail scheme; there's no getting blood from a stone. Flush once for yes, twice for no. You'll bury all your old grudges this week, and grandpa—sorry, I suppose we could have let you know in a nicer way. Bad dog goes horrible dog this weekend.
Try again later.Worst Arguments Used Against Right-to-Die Advocates1. | Can't learn to play fiddle when you're dead | 2. | My personal religion goes against it, ergo, you should do what I say | 3. | Star Wars III looks like it's going to redeem the series | 4. | Probably no afterlife, just a harrowing void of darkness and stillness for eternity | 5. | Got a really good feeling things are gonna turn around for you, man | |
| Hurricane Dennis Sets Sights on Wilson Flower GardenBY b. brown dullard 7/18/2005 ScieneticsSince the beginning of the dawn of time, science man has longed for the answer to the questions of the mind and the science of thinking. From the French peasant to the uppity French king, men of all walks of life, regardless of how much coin they pocket, have asked these questions: Who am I? Who is that guy? Why am I so unhappy? What is keeping me from the things I want? Why don’t I have a goddamn pot to piss in and Cheurvier, that cocky shit, he has that chapeau down on Napoleon Street?
At last, someone has created a science to answer those questions: Scienetics.
Scienetics isn’t some phony voodoo, like voodoo or psychiatry; Scienetics is a fully-copyrighted blueprint of how the mind works, or fails to work, and how we can kick our own minds in the ass or t...
Since the beginning of the dawn of time, science man has longed for the answer to the questions of the mind and the science of thinking. From the French peasant to the uppity French king, men of all walks of life, regardless of how much coin they pocket, have asked these questions: Who am I? Who is that guy? Why am I so unhappy? What is keeping me from the things I want? Why don’t I have a goddamn pot to piss in and Cheurvier, that cocky shit, he has that chapeau down on Napoleon Street?
At last, someone has created a science to answer those questions: Scienetics.
Scienetics isn’t some phony voodoo, like voodoo or psychiatry; Scienetics is a fully-copyrighted blueprint of how the mind works, or fails to work, and how we can kick our own minds in the ass or threaten to pinkslip them if they don’t get back to work. And best of all, Scienetics works.
How do I know Scienetics works? Because I do. I’ve been to every corner of this square earth and seen man in all his various degrees. I’ve slept under trees with the bushmen of the Calihari desert, under the thankless moon and the cold onslaught of desert winds. I’ve rested on the couch of presidents, from Eisenhower to Reagan, until I was politely asked to leave. I’ve shared beds with strange men from the suburbs—you name the type of person, I’ve probably had some sort of sleeping arrangement worked out with them. This is because I had no money for several years.
During these moneyless times, I’ve had opportunity to study mankind, and a lot of women, don’t mistake that. I’ve seen him at his peak and I’ve seen him lying in piss under a bus stop bench. I’ve heard stories of success and I’ve smelled the urine. But any fool can do this. What I’ve done is blueprinted the human brain, and some monkey brains, just for fun; I’ve seen what makes us succeed and what makes us fail. I’ve drawn intricate topographical maps and marked the expensive areas to live in, if we were brain cells. Why? Because it’s fun. And because it’s the science to making us the people we’ve always wanted to be.
Make no mistake, this is no $20 fly-by-night self-help method dispelled by enigmatic gurus with no background in science. Scienetics costs much more than that. Yet it’s worth every penny, because it works. I’ve taken complete idiots, morons, bellowing manchilds with no intelligence and no self-respect, and I gave them jobs working for my brother-in-law. I’ve turned around the weakest of minds, and shown them the way to what the Buddha would call "enlightenment." And I can call it that, too, because the Buddha never heard of copyrighting.
The secret right here, and this is the only secret I’m giving away before you buy the book, is one thing: the subactive mind. What is the subactive mind? Well, it’s copyrighted, that’s for damn sure. But it’s more than that. It’s also the instinctive, the sub-level reacting part of our personalities that harbors the nastiest and most petty part of ourselves. It’s that portion of our mind that works against us. Freud called it the subconscious, because he was a junkie moron. But where he got it wrong, I’ve got it right.
The best part of Scienetics is, no matter what you’re problem, we can cure you—unlike psychiatry. If you have an IQ of 70 or 145, or higher like mine, we can take you. If you have an uncle who sexually abused you, and who doesn’t, or a bad series of romantic relationships, we can take you. If you have a wallet full of $7 million or $7, we can take you.
And it’s tax-free.
For more of this insightful non-fiction, buy B. Brown Dullard’s book Scienetics. |