You need a newer browser.

June 27, 2005   
A happiness enema
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Scientists Endorse ScientologyJune 27, 2005
Hollywood CA
Junior Bacon
Cruise and Holmes celebrate the announcement by America’s scientists, while British Prime Minister Tony Blair performs a celebratory robot dance for no discernable reason
S
cientology is in the news again this week, and not just because some green reporter made the mistake of sticking a microphone in front of Tom Cruise again. In a shocking revelation that has rocked the media world, fourteen year old actress and Cruise arm candy Katie Holmes has converted to the oddball religion, leaving the pope speechless and the entire Roman Catholic Church in disarray. But she’s not the only one, and this time it’s not only some weirdly shallow celebrity joining the ranks. In a lesser-publicized footnote, America’s entire scientific community has jumped on the bandwagon, too.

“It’s a natural fit, really,” explained Ralf Menu of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. “Science? Scientology? I’m actually surprised this didn...Read more...

Billy Graham Off to Fight Final CrusadeJune 27, 2005
Flushing Meadows, NY
Sloe Lorenzo
Billy Graham, golden-clad warrior of God, may or may not be in this armor and mail… though we’re leaning toward may not.
T
he scent of blood was thick in the air when withering mouthpiece for the Christian God Billy Graham met his legion followers in New York’s Flushing Meadows-Corona Park to bid them good-bye as he departed for the Middle East on this, his Final Crusade. Graham, long suffering from the many afflictions from God’s magic bag, vowed not to return alive until he had successfully converted the doomed to the one true faith.

“They will be saved, or their blood will stain their heathen streets,” said Graham, his voice failing and his body frail as the 70,000 true believers in attendance rained their approval down on him.

It marks Graham’s final attempt to convert the world’s worshippers of false idols, as the 86-year-old scion of the Lord, who started as a si...Read more...

Study: Driving while on cell phone makes users look important
Price of gasoline rises to level of annoying small-talk
Lawmakers tour Guantanamo prison, Cuban strip clubs and bars
Cost for MasterCard to recover from devastating security hacking: priceless



June 27, 2005
Click for Biography

Vernon Hooper's Sixth Cents

Let us not tarry, gentle readers, 'cause I knew a guy who tarried once in Vietnam and it got him killed.

In my younger days, for a brief time, I followed the Dead—the rock band, not a group of actual living corpses. Though they did come close in their latter days. Eventually, I gave up that childishness. Now I follow Cheap Trick. Which is hard, because they don't tour as frequently anymore and that drummer is a crafty driver. But I haven't been dissuaded yet.

Have you seen the latest Star Wars movie? I highly doubt it, since I made it myself in my garage only a few days ago. Finally we all get all those questions about Yoda's sex life answered.

What's the deal with napkins? Is anybody actually using these things?

I tried reading a book ...Read more...

º Last Column: Vernon Hooper's Fifth Syphilis
º more columns







Milestones
1993: Ivan Nacutchacokov/Ivana Folger-Balzac honeymoon ends in stalemate.
Now Hiring
Patsy. Must be willing to take the fall for numerous state and federal offenses. Should bear a passing resemblance to Red Bagel, Omar Bricks or Rok Finger. Immunity to electrocution a plus.
Top-Grossing Documentaries
1.Dicking Around on the Set of 'Attack of the Clones'
2.The Making of Anal Armageddon
3.Thomas Kincade: Watch Me Shine
4.The Making of Anal Armageddon 2: The Lost Footage
5.More Kittens Batting at String
Last IssueLast Issues Lead News Story

Killer Killen Tried for Killings

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
6/27/2005
Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little wind-up dancing robot go. Have you seen these things? Just amazing. Okay, I suppose I can take a little break to review a few movies. Don't say I never did anything for you.

In Theaters Now:

Herbie: Fully Loaded
Finally Hollywood has made a movie that tells both sides of the story when it comes to drunk driving. Sure, drunk drivers are the scourge of our roads and a threat to our safety and that of our children. But have you ever tried that shit? It's fun as hell! Bumpercars at the Fair don't hold a candle to...Read more...