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 June 27, 2005 |
Cruise and Holmes celebrate the announcement by America’s scientists, while British Prime Minister Tony Blair performs a celebratory robot dance for no discernable reason
“It’s a natural fit, really,” explained Ralf Menu of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. “Science? Scientology? I’m actually surprised this didn...
cientology is in the news again this week, and not just because some green reporter made the mistake of sticking a microphone in front of Tom Cruise again. In a shocking revelation that has rocked the media world, fourteen year old actress and Cruise arm candy Katie Holmes has converted to the oddball religion, leaving the pope speechless and the entire Roman Catholic Church in disarray. But she’s not the only one, and this time it’s not only some weirdly shallow celebrity joining the ranks. In a lesser-publicized footnote, America’s entire scientific community has jumped on the bandwagon, too.
“It’s a natural fit, really,” explained Ralf Menu of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. “Science? Scientology? I’m actually surprised this didn’t come up earlier. I mean, from all available evidence, it’s really quite obvious that we exist on the seventh ring of the Dunabi, concentric to the Twelfth Dimensional Scrobang. No one seriously debates this.”
“I have to admit, I’d been curious about Scientology ever since I saw that commercial they used to play for Diatnetics,” admitted American Association of Cereal Chemists head Dabney Thomas, because he had to. “You know, with the volcano that’s all erupting and shit and answering questions like ‘Will I see my dog in heaven? Page 47.’ Ever since I saw that I was pretty interested. Because I had a dog when I was a kid, but he was a real bastard so I’m really curious if he got into heaven or not.”
The announcement comes at a crucial time for the funky techno-religion, founded by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard in 1951 as a beautiful tax dodge. Scientology has been struggling for credibility after years of reports that it charges members tens of thousands of dollars to reveal its deepest spiritual secrets, all of which turn out to read like a really horrible John Travolta movie. But the concensus seems to be that a lack of credibility is the price one pays for following a religion founded by a man famous for making up implausible tales full of far-fetched ideas and fantasies designed to sell books.
“It’s sort of like having a weight loss program founded by Cookie Monster,” mused religious scholar Barnaby Told, who actually does botanical research but is also quite religious, thereby qualifying him for the title. “That’s a tough credibility gap to span.”
This latest conversion will likely change the way that millions think about Scientology, however, and the agreement of America’s scientists might help as well. But not everyone is thrilled with Holmes’ epic conversion from Catholicism, about which Vatican officials say the pope feels personally betrayed.
“The pope has been listless and non-responsive all week,” explained Vatican spokesperson Arnold Grubb. “He’s not even into mini-golf as much as usual. He seems kind of heartbroken, honestly. I hope she’s worth it, Tom.” the commune news doesn’t doubt that a tyrannical ruler named Xenu wiped out his own 76-world confederation of planets with hydrogen bombs after paralyzing billions of people and tying them to volcanoes 75 billion years ago, the problem we have with Scientology is that dude Hubbard had blue lips. Creep-y. Ivana Folger-Balzac was captured and deprogrammed after filing this story, not because we feared contamination by Scientologist ideology, we just hoped it might make her less of a giant bitch.
 |  June 27, 2005 |
Flushing Meadows, NY Sloe Lorenzo Billy Graham, golden-clad warrior of God, may or may not be in this armor and mail… though we’re leaning toward may not.
“They will be saved, or their blood will stain their heathen streets,” said Graham, his voice failing and his body frail as the 70,000 true believers in attendance rained their approval down on him.
It marks Graham’s final attempt to convert the world’s worshippers of false idols, as the 86-year-old scion of the Lord, who started as a si...
he scent of blood was thick in the air when withering mouthpiece for the Christian God Billy Graham met his legion followers in New York’s Flushing Meadows-Corona Park to bid them good-bye as he departed for the Middle East on this, his Final Crusade. Graham, long suffering from the many afflictions from God’s magic bag, vowed not to return alive until he had successfully converted the doomed to the one true faith.
“They will be saved, or their blood will stain their heathen streets,” said Graham, his voice failing and his body frail as the 70,000 true believers in attendance rained their approval down on him.
It marks Graham’s final attempt to convert the world’s worshippers of false idols, as the 86-year-old scion of the Lord, who started as a simple Protestant preacher before evolving into the leader of the final crusade of Christianity, continues to grow weaker from the countless ailments plaguing him, including water on the brain, prostate cancer, Parkinson’s disease, several fractured bones, and three arrows in the back sustained by a Cherokee attack in 1934.
“The devil wants to stop me, I don’t doubt that,” chortled Graham, clad in his shining suit of armor, and supported by six fellow Christians to keep from being ground into dust. “Let the devil come, I say! The Muslims, the Buddhists, and those—what do you call them… the Indian religious guys… not the Hari Krishnas… anyways, they’ll all call their false idols and the devil in to torture me, but I will not be stopped before each and everyone of them knows the true salvation of God. Or death. Either one works for me.”
Much excitement surrounded the event, the first church-sanctioned Christian crusade in almost a thousand years—noting that the invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan are not officially church-sanctioned. Graham announced his plans for a Final Crusade months ago, and leaders of the Protestant church gave their approval as Graham built an army of supporters numbering in the low hundreds of thousands. Some in the know suggest the sanction for the Crusade is more of a tribute to Graham’s long service than any conviction he might be successful.
“The man is not even able to walk in his armor anymore, let alone smite the enemies of the Lord,” said an inside source we love to call “Reverend Blue Jeans.” “Add to that Graham hasn’t built a sufficient army for an attack of this scale, and the fact that they’re intent on utilizing medieval weaponry when even Middle Eastern radicals have access to missiles and firearms… you’re looking at a bloodbath. But Graham is convinced the Lord will give him strength for a final victory. You got to give it to the man, he knows how to go out in a blaze of glory.”
The ailing Christian soldier marched onward, if you count marching as being hoisted by a dozen men, and proceeded to board the large command ship bought by his ministry for the expedition, one of sixty paid for by the Graham Ministries and representing the first wave of the onslaught of the true faith.
“Victory!” screamed Graham in a raspy, failing voice from the bow of the ship, named “The Savior.”
The fragile Protestant then fell overboard, sinking instantly to the bottom of the bay, but was rescued by his followers before any more serious damaged was inflicted. the commune news always thought the last crusade involved Indiana Jones finding a cup, and River Phoenix was somehow part of it… but our memory might be bad. Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown might consider changing his name to the more appropriate Mordecai “No-Body” Brown, now that the late ballplayer has no corporeal form.
| Study: Driving while on cell phone makes users look important Price of gasoline rises to level of annoying small-talk Lawmakers tour Guantanamo prison, Cuban strip clubs and bars Cost for MasterCard to recover from devastating security hacking: priceless |
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 June 27, 2005 Vernon Hooper's Sixth CentsLet us not tarry, gentle readers, 'cause I knew a guy who tarried once in Vietnam and it got him killed.
In my younger days, for a brief time, I followed the Dead—the rock band, not a group of actual living corpses. Though they did come close in their latter days. Eventually, I gave up that childishness. Now I follow Cheap Trick. Which is hard, because they don't tour as frequently anymore and that drummer is a crafty driver. But I haven't been dissuaded yet.
Have you seen the latest Star Wars movie? I highly doubt it, since I made it myself in my garage only a few days ago. Finally we all get all those questions about Yoda's sex life answered.
What's the deal with napkins? Is anybody actually using these things?
I tried reading a book ...
º Last Column: Vernon Hooper's Fifth Syphilis
º more columns
Let us not tarry, gentle readers, 'cause I knew a guy who tarried once in Vietnam and it got him killed.
In my younger days, for a brief time, I followed the Dead—the rock band, not a group of actual living corpses. Though they did come close in their latter days. Eventually, I gave up that childishness. Now I follow Cheap Trick. Which is hard, because they don't tour as frequently anymore and that drummer is a crafty driver. But I haven't been dissuaded yet.
Have you seen the latest Star Wars movie? I highly doubt it, since I made it myself in my garage only a few days ago. Finally we all get all those questions about Yoda's sex life answered.
What's the deal with napkins? Is anybody actually using these things?
I tried reading a book the other day and, frankly, I wasn't all that impressed. I'm not saying everyone is wrong with all this "books, books, books" praise, but I don't see it myself.
If you are going to shoot the Creature from the Black Lagoon, do you need a hunting license or a fishing license? This assumes, of course, you're doing it by yourself and not part of some angry mob. However, this is the kind of predicament that keeps me up at night. It probably worries the Creature, too.
I am finally finished selling my antique condom collection. I thought I'd never be rid of those things. A bad area to invest your money, let's just say that.
I would never, under any circumstances, hit a woman. Go ahead—tempt me. Give me a free punch, promise me her back will be turned. Have her burn down my house and I still won't do it. I want to point out, of course, using a baseball bat is not counted as hitting by most judges. It's more of a bludgeoning.
I like croutons, but hate salad. What is the answer, my friends?
Johnny Cash was always known as the Man in Black, and probably always will be. It doesn't matter how black you dress, it's just a title that's impossible to wrestle away from him. I tried wearing purple for a year, but I suppose Prince had that all sewn up. I don't know who got fellated to preserve these titles, but I want my own and I'll wear anything, suck anything to get it. The Man in Chartreuse? The Man in Off-White? Let me know, people.
The guitar has reigned for years as the most popular instrument in the world. I say it's high time that tyranny came to an end.
For those who don't know my writing process, I carry a little brown book with me, all the time, in my coat pocket. When the muse strikes, the real muse, not just some bitch hitting me for no reason, I take out my book and scribble a thought down. Of course, getting a pen in here is a lot more difficult than hiding a little brown book. But I'm resourceful.
A reminder, folks: Never volunteer to suck a cock to get something. I make exceptions at times, of course, but it's always a good rule. And for God's sake, if you do, at least get what you were promised before you do it. Fool me once, as they say…
I am no longer welcome back at Cracker Barrel. I can do nothing more than continue to profess my innocence. º Last Column: Vernon Hooper's Fifth Syphilisº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“May those who love us, love us, and those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts, and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he fuck them up so I'll know not to trust cripples.”
-Old Irish Proverb, Jr.Fortune 500 CookieThat weird smell in the office: It's you, dude. Stay out of the sun this week at your doctor's request; he's tired of seeing you shirtless. This week's lucky prom dates: Mom's hot friend "Aunt" Chyniqua, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig, a randomly selected pro wrestler, entire cast of Revenge of the Nerds, or six of the seven dwarves: Sneezy's got cancer.
Try again later.Top Enduring 2004 Election Scandals| 1. | Bush didn't really win; they forgot to count the comatose vote | | 2. | Identical twins voted twice, ignoring "1 Face, 1 Vote" principle | | 3. | Every 13th vote discarded as "unlucky" | | 4. | Too many precincts used antiquated paper ballots | | 5. | Too many precincts used newfangled electric voting machines | | 6. | 10,000 Florida voters cast ballots for dead man: John Kerry | | 7. | Too many military absentee ballots were marked for Bush: Now that's just stupid | | 8. | No paper trail for southern state "applause-o-meter" polling technique | | 9. | Oh sweet Jesus, Bush really won! | | 10. | Eskimos kept away from polls by sheer geography | |
|   Killer Killen Tried for Killings BY roland mcshyster 6/27/2005 Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little wind-up dancing robot go. Have you seen these things? Just amazing. Okay, I suppose I can take a little break to review a few movies. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In Theaters Now:
Herbie: Fully Loaded
Finally Hollywood has made a movie that tells both sides of the story when it comes to drunk driving. Sure, drunk drivers are the scourge of our roads and a threat to our safety and that of our children. But have you ever tried that shit? It's fun as hell! Bumpercars at the Fair don't hold a candle to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, America, I know it's time for another blistering weekload of on the mark movie reviews, on the money insights, and on the couch opinions. I'll get to that in a second; right now I'm trying to figure out what makes this little wind-up dancing robot go. Have you seen these things? Just amazing. Okay, I suppose I can take a little break to review a few movies. Don't say I never did anything for you. In Theaters Now:Herbie: Fully LoadedFinally Hollywood has made a movie that tells both sides of the story when it comes to drunk driving. Sure, drunk drivers are the scourge of our roads and a threat to our safety and that of our children. But have you ever tried that shit? It's fun as hell! Bumpercars at the Fair don't hold a candle to the thrill of really driving through a full parking lot, diagonally. Finally-old-enough-to-funk party girl Lindsay Lohan knows all about the joys of driving by touch, and she's utterly believable as the tipsy heroine of this family-friendly crowd-pleaser. But how does Herbie (by the way, what exactly is a Love Bug? Herpes?) fare this time around? Well, now that he doesn't have to pretend like he's not drunk on high-octane go-cart fuel all the time, Herbie can finally let it all hang out and give the performance of his possessed-car career. There hasn't been a lot of competition in this category since the car that played Christine got tired of typecasting and quit the business to start a taxi service and KITT went into auto porn, but Herbie is clearly at the top of his game and has rebounded nicely from going bananas during his mid-career Robert Downey, Jr. phase. Land's End of the DeadThe question begs to be asked: If an army of the undead took over a leading casual clothing retailer, would service actually improve? Of course it would, but this film sets out to demonstrate just how much. Prices and torsos are slashed as zombie marauders descend upon everyone's favorite source of deck shoes, and third quarter profits shoot up 17%. The film is a little light on the drama until the second half, when a bunch of Australian Mad Max fans stage a hostile takeover of the chainsaw variety, but then some attractive people get almost naked and everything's fine. March of the PenguinsAlthough most of NIN's new album is way too soft and the Beanie Baby tie-ins are just disgusting, Trent Reznor and company can still turn out a killer video, which they prove with this severely belated offering from the soundtrack for Batman Returns. Clocking in at an almost-feature-length two and a half hours, some might complain that the movie remix of the song gets a little tiresome after hour two, but most everyone else will be buzzing over finally seeing a movie where they crucify a penguin. War of the World's Worst DressersTom Cruise fires his fashion consultant and starts dressing the way he wanna in this frightening futuristic tale from horrormeister Steven Spielberg. Let's just say they don't have a fashion week at Scientology Camp for a reason, kids, and Cruise is terrifyingly plausible in polyester and rodeo-clown fleece. But Tom runs into some serious competition when Boy George and Dennis Rodman show up with the CGI reanimation of Rodney Dangerfield, out to claim his crown as the world's most nakedly tacky. This is the movie Mr. Blackwell sees when he has nightmares. Well, this and 9 to 5. That's that and Jack Sprat can eat no fat, or however the nursery rhyme goes, America. Funny to think they had the Atkins diet even back then in nursery rhyme days, though I hear his wife lost more with Lean Cuisine. If any of you need me, I'll be here, taking apart this dancing robot. On second thought, fend for yourselves. I can't have any needy people cutting into my valuable robot time.   |
