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June 6, 2005   
“Pretty good”
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

White House Accidentally Misdirects Attention Back to Real ProblemJune 6, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Ansel Evans
Charming little dumpling Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice engages in a little on-stage misdirection, and answers a reporter's request with her famous "Shit in one hand…" response.
T
he White House faced embarrassment this week when their usual method of distracting the population with lesser problems backfired, leading them to unintentionally misdirect public attention back to the original problem. While the administration hoped to draw notice from earlier remarks misdirecting national awareness to the slave trade.

Popular theory is the White House misdirected media attention to the Middle Eastern slave trade to distract from the continuing aggression in "free" Iraq, and possibly some of the Nixon comparisons President Bush has endured over the course of the week; when Middle Eastern allies such as oil magnate/American investors Saudi Arabia took offense at the promise of sanctions, the White House sought to avert public outcry against the ally by launch...Read more...

Real Deep Throat Not as Sexy as MovieJune 6, 2005
Santa Rosa, CA
Junior Bacon
Felt ruined more than a few 30-year-old sexual fantasies with his recent disclosure
A
merica’s nuts were chapped a bright red this week with news that former FBI second-in-command W. Mark Felt, 91, had come out of hiding to end a 30-year mystery, announcing that he was Deep Throat, star of the semenal porn film that took the country by storm in 1972.

Americans from all walks of life gagged at the news and the sight of Felt, who has aged poorly since his starring role as the sex kitten known for her plucky personality and propensity for swallowing rod all the way down to the balls.

Despite lacking establishment distribution or any tangible evidence of a script, the 1972 film Deep Throat was a gigantic hit, inspiring excessive repeat business from about a dozen guys who couldn’t get enough of the erotic “art film.” Even a l...Read more...

World's best airline: Cathay Pacific; world's worst: Hindenberg Airways
Cruise, Holmes totally in love with each other's media exposure
Teen still missing in Aruba, Jamaica, oh-woo I wanna take ya
Amazing new Atlas shoulders even more of this burden called Earth



June 6, 2005
Click for Biography

Buddha Who?

Buddha?

Buddha who?

Indeed. Well, it's time to set the record really straight, like Tom Selleck straight. Because I'm tired of people on the street arguing with me that Buddha was one of the original members of Cypress Hill. So strap on your thinking caps boys and girls, we're embarking on a magical journey to the Land of Not Being So Stupid.

For starters, you probably know Buddha as that big fat Oriental guy smiling and giving the thumbs-up in ads for Chinese restaurants across the country. What few know and may be surprised to learn is that he was also the father of a worldwide religious movement, sort of like Jim Jones without all the mass suiciding. Or think Eddie Murphy in that Holy Man movie. I haven't seen the movie, but it seemed like it had ...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. The second to last refuge of the scoundrel is a cave in the Ozarks. Third to last? Under the bed in a four-star hotel in Paris. Fourth? Puns. Puns are the fourth-to-last refuge of the scoundrel.”

-Johnuel Samson
Fortune 500 Cookie
Whoever cut your jib, they fucked it all up, dude. Try wearing more spandex this week, your current quantities aren't providing sufficient coverage. Remember: an ounce of prevention is worth an inch of milk-fed veal. This week's lucky pizza restaurant mascots: The Noidette, Little Greaser, Humpy the Pizza Camel, "Cheese Dick" Richard Romano, Lumpy-Thighed Sex Goddess Valotta Ricotta.


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Top Racially Insensitive Desserts
1.Mint Jew Lips
2.Negroreos
3.Vanilla Dick
4.Mr. Li's Chocolate Chink Ice Cream
5.The Dirty Spaniard Sundae from Baskin Robbins
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Indiana Offers Killer's Sister Liver with Onions

View Past Columns
BY orson welch
6/6/2005
In the interest of complete honesty, I'll tell you there are hardly any DVDs of first-release movies coming out in the near future. Blame the big distraction that is the summer blockbuster season. But the good news is, there's always TV. I thought I'd take this desperate need to fill column inches as an opportunity to review some of the much-loved TV-on-DVD box sets that have new releases coming out soon. And we'll see they don't call it the small screen for nothing.

Now on DVD:

The Sopranos
A few years ago this show was the Jenna Elfman of television shows, before C.S.I. started showing us how cool it is when bullets shatter skulls, and before Six Feet Under made death fun again. Big stereotype Tony Soprano gets all touchy-feely with...Read more...