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May 23, 2005   
Finally! A website that treats me like an automaton!
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Calvin Klein Denies Running May 23, 2005
New York City
Courtesy Calvin Klein
The offending ad, which thus far has offended the religious, atheists, the undecided, and fans of boxers everywhere
E
mbarrassed fashion mogul Calvin Klein denied any knowledge of his company's controversial "Saddam's Undies" ad campaign this week, a sweeping series of magazine and billboard ads featuring the deposed Iraqi dictator in his underwear, which Klein claims must have been a hoax masterminded by one of his competitors.

"Calvin Klein is the epitome of cool worldwide," explained the blushing New Yorker. "What has Saddam Hussein got to do with that? Nothing. Don't answer, I will tell you it's nothing. So why would we use him as the centerpiece for our new ad campaign? We wouldn't, don't ask me stupid questions. Goodbye."

Industry observers, however, claim that the new ads prove Klein badly miscalculated in his constant striving to find hot new looks.

"Who's to...Read more...

Muslim Clerics Threaten to Become Angry With AmericaMay 16, 2005
Flatbush, NJ
Sloe Lorenzo
A thoughtful Muslim protestor in Afghanistan rallies against American insults, with a sign that probably looks a lot better in Arabic.
M
uslims in Afghanistan have become uncharacteristically unhappy with America following reports that the Koran has been insulted and abused in Guantanamo Bay's Camp X-Ray, prompting some Muslims extremists to even threaten a "holy war" with the United States. President Bush, noticeably surprised and distressed to receive the news, promised him or someone like him would look into the matter immediately, in order to pacify the usually calm and understanding Afghani Muslim clerics.

Abdul Fatah Fayeq, a top Muslim official in northern Afghanistan, read a statement representing the unhappy religious men, asking that President Bush "hand the culprits over to an Islamic country for punishment," then following the request with a warning that the groups will declare a rare "jihad," or "...Read more...

Wal-Mart, NetFlix join forces to wipe out small mail-order businesses
Device measures TV watching, insults choice of viewing
Analysts: Market showing 374th consecutive upward turnaround
Workplace shooting "had to happen on a Monday," says victim



May 16, 2005
Click for Biography

Guanica

This column marks day three of my lawsuit with my neighbor Hamms over Guanica, the masterpiece I painted on his bathroom wall in axle grease, batshit and chicken blood. Before you start freaking out, let me explain that the chicken blood part was an accident, since the guy at the pet store never told me that chickens are stupid enough to run straight into a live fan just because they're excited you put "What a Feeling" from Flashdance on the stereo again.

I'd originally bought the chicken to make sure I wasn't going to get cancer from the grease fumes in Hamms' bathroom while I was painting, sort of like the canary in the coal mine idea, only with a bigger bird. I figured canaries are pussies so I wasn't real worried about canary-killing levels of fumes, but if i...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Yours is not to question why, yadda yadda yadda, just jump out of the goddamned plane already.”

-Corporal "D-Wipe" Heisenhouser
Fortune 500 Cookie
Let me be the first to say: Elastic Grandmacraps. You can run but you can't hide, and that's why you never got the Hide 'N Seek scholarship to Brown you had your hopes set on. Your character of Jasper the Friendly Goat will garner you the attention you've long desired this week, but will be much more of the legal variety than you had intended. This week's lucky animal cookies: dog, penguin, June bug, Oreo.


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Top-Selling commune Paraphernalia
1.the commune's Book on Tape: Everyone's favorite verbose classic War & Peace printed in tiny type on the non-sticky side of a roll of Scotch tap
2.The "I Sued the commune for Libel and All I Got Was This Lousy Mug" Mug
3."Pin the Paternity Suit on Lil Duncan's Babydaddy" Home Game
4.Boris Utzov Guide of English Slang
5.Ivana Folger-Balzac. Please, somebody take Ivana Folger-Balzac.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Star Wars Fan Has Been Waiting in Line Since 1977

View Past Columns
BY orson welch
5/23/2005
I have tried to tune out the entertainment "news," such as it is, this week. I may have gotten my wires crossed on this one, but is it true some theaters in Kentucky are boycotting films because of Darth Vader's involvement in the Vietnam War? That's a shame. If these prequels have shown us anything, it's that he deserves a break. How would you like to have been Hayden Christensen in your early life? Heartbreaking. But enough of the news and pathos, I move on to the DVD reviews.

Now on DVD:

Kinsey
I missed this once last week. Perhaps I mistook it for a Star Wars prequel prequel—Qui-Gon tinkers around with the homosexual side of the force. In all seriousness, there's nothing terribly wrong with this movie; nothing terribly notable about it eit...Read more...