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February 21, 2005   
Where dreams come to get really sick
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African Coup PrivatizedFebruary 21, 2005
Cape Town, South Africa
Whit Pistol
"Smashing tits!" thinks Mark Thatcher, upon leaving a Cape Town courthouse.
A
frican politics managed a rare chance to draw the attention of the western world when good-natured white boy Mark Thatcher, son of Der Iron Girdle former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, finally answered accusations he and other exceptionally-Caucasian financiers backed a coup of the African nation of Equatorial Guinea.

Equatorial Guinea, a sub-Saharan country in Africa, established its independence in 1968 from Spain and has lived under a dictatorship ever since. In 2004, a group of mercenaries were arrested and charged with plotting a coup in the country when their plane landed in Zimbabwe, those on board demanding they find a movie other than Kangaroo Jack to play for the rest of the trip. Authorities in Zimbabwe, Equatorial Guinea, and South Africa charge ...Read more...

February 21, 2005
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
Negroponte pauses impatiently as President Bush interrupts his acceptance speech yet again by wandering in front of the cameras
I
n a move that surprised the slow and feeble-minded alike, President Bush appointed diplomat John Negroponte as America’s first Director of National Intelligence this week, in an attempt to shore up the nation’s failing mental defenses.

“Now this may be a case of the pig callin’ the posy pink,” folkified Bush, our national leader and self-described folk hero. “But y’all is dumb as shit.”

Surprised and appalled by his own re-election, sources report Bush quickly decided something needed to be done about national intelligence, and the lucid and well-coordinated Negroponte was the obvious answer. Speaking in complete sentences and rarely attending to bodily itches with his house keys are said to be the strong suits that brought Negroponte to the ...Read more...

Alipay tracks down deadbeat Internet dads
Customers win $8.5 mil lawsuit with McDonald's, spend it all on cheeseburgers
Allah throws a little flood action Pakistan's way
Christina Aguilera announces engagement to manwhore



February 21, 2005
Click for Biography

Panama

Is it crazy to travel all the way to South America, by car no less, to finally find out what an old Van Halen song is about? If your answer is yes, then stop reading this column immediately. I don't want any of my readers thinking I'm crazy. Go read Rok Finger or something, I'm sure he's got a Metamucil story that won't challenge your notions of acceptably sane behavior.

As for Omar Bricks, I've spent the last two weeks On the Road. I capitalicize that because apparently some insane bastard in the 50's did the same thing as me and wrote a book about it, since I guess he couldn't pare his recollections down to column length. An indictment of his editing skills I'm sure, though no doubt those book sales paid him more in the end than the can of lima beans and sack of assor...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“It is a wise man who makes a career of providing quotes, for the dollar-to-word ratio is fantastic. Eat your heart out, novelists.”

-Beenjammin Lynn-Frank
Fortune 500 Cookie
You! In the yellow shirt! You’re going to have an awful week. Move along now. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, but your lifetime ban from the municipal aquarium still applies. Those repressed childhood memories you’ve been having about animal abuse and a shady-looking construction site? That was Donkey Kong. Try eating something with at least 17 letters in it this week: mailboxes and Alpha-Bits don’t count. Your lucky dong accessories: ornaments, jingle bells, argyle cock sock, festive wreath, racing stripe, spare donut.



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7.Byproducts
8.Easter Peeps in Milk (milk included)
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BY orson welch
2/14/2005
Friendly nods to everyone. We're officially in movie drought territory at the box office, as we finish watching the underwhelming Oscar nominees and wait for the true summer blockbuster trash to blow in once again. DVDs offer our best hope for entertaining movie fare in the meantime—if hope is the experience of being continually and irrevocably disappointed in the world. Then gear up, for we've got a barrelful.

Now on DVD:

The Motorcycle Diaries
In a novel concept for a biography film, a fascinating subject is covered in the least fascinating moments of his life. From the people who brainstormed a movie about Einstein taking a dump, no doubt. Can a movie about one of the most engaging leftist revolutionaries be washed out and political n...Read more...