n a Super Bowl showdown Sunday that few will soon forget, the New England Patriots forcibly sodomized the sickly Philadelphia Eagles, unless the underdog Philly squad pulled off a stunning upset against the clearly overrated Patriots. Results were not readily available as of press time.

“Patriots rule!� screamed a naked-yet-painted youth after the game, likely a Patriots fan.

“Definitely!� agreed a compatriot, more clothed but no less enthusiastic. “Unstoppable! Unless they cocked it up. In that case, they’re a gang of spineless suck monsters.�

“The Eagles are a bunch of dickless homos who aren’t fit to sniff my balls,� explained cocky New England quarterback Tom Brady after the game. “Unless they won. In that case, they were a heck of a tough squad and we played our best, but just didn’t come out on top today. We’ll get ‘em next year. Unless we don’t.�

The stunning Super Bowl victory was New England’s third in four years, a thrilling period of dominance for Patriots fans, unless it was a crushing disappointment and inspiring Cinderella story for the unlikely Eagles, who won their first Super Bowl since 1960 and brought a parade of dreams home to Philadelphia. Philly fans, known for their bitterly cynical dedication to disappointment, booed their team either way. Commentators remarked on not having seen this level of vitriol from sports fans since the last time the Special Olympics came to Philadelphia.

“The Eagles were clearly overmatched in this David and Goliath tale,� explained sports blowhard and former Oakland Raiders towel rack Marcus Parkum. “Unless, you know. Another way of looking at it is that Philly was clearly underrated, a ragtag bunch of plucky gamers that snatched the spoils of victory from the clutches of a Patriots squad grown fat and apathetic with the glory of their past successes. Either way, it was a Super Bowl. Unless it got cancelled.�

“Fuck! Fuck!� elaborated commune neighborhood bookie Fat Anthony. “Or, alternately: Allllll riiiiight! Ant’ny made some moolah tonight! Shit yeah!�

Sports fans nationwide were stunned by the Super Bowl’s outcome, unless the game went exactly as expected. Few could have anticipated, however, the stunning halftime show, which featured an unprecedented level of wit and subtlety, unless it was just a bunch of idiots dancing around in hot pants. Whatever happened, the career of Gloria Estefan will never be the same, unless it continues on exactly as it has for years.

Fans of either team have to agree that the game turned on a crucial play in the fourth quarter when Eagles receiver Terrell Owens either caught a miraculous 94-yard “Hail Mary� pass to score the game-winning touchdown, or else forgot to turn around at the last minute and got hit square in the ass with the ball, at which point he reportedly farted. Owens will likely never live down the fame or infamy stemming from this career-defining play.

In related news, TV jockeys were thrilled to witness a fresh slate of instant-classic Super Bowl commercials, making the game experience worthwhile for wives and gay men trapped in sports bars everywhere. Unless, of course, it was just more of the same retarded bullshit from Budweiser and Coca-Cola that we’ve been seeing for years.

he U.S. Department of Defense has come under fire this week after launching S’nooze, a news parody web site featuring a lighthearted look at the day’s events through the prism of the Pentagon’s unique brand of humor. Liberal watchdogs have criticized the site as a potentially dangerous outlet for government propaganda, while everyone else has been complaining that it’s not nearly as funny as The Onion.

“S’nooze is some funny shit,� explained uncharacteristically laid-back DoD worker Pvt.Thom Vogelsang, who was soon afterward court-marshaled for unruly facial hair. “I don’t care what anybody says. That piece we did on giving pacifists rat-poison enchiladas was da bomb.�

“Nobody reads our site,� complained S’nooze head writer Lt. Col. Danish Marks. “Our site stats suck. The Onion’s got more ads on it than a NASCAR stock car and they’ve still got hits like Usher. I’d love to be within smelling distance of that kind of traffic. But just because we’re the Pentagon, everybody thinks we can’t have a hilariously irreverent take on the news.�

Concerned citizens with too much time on their hands have pointed out the potential propagandic dangers of the site, referring to the fact that S’nooze is run by U.S. military troops trained in “information warfare.� Other, less politically-paranoid citizens have alternately pointed out the failed-humor dangers of the site, being that it is run by U.S. military troops trained in “information warfare.�

Complaints to Pentagon Inspector General Joseph Schmitz recently initiated a thorough review of the site’s contents, which Schmitz summarized as “amusingish.�

“Jesus. Did you see their first issue?� blasphemed freelance media critic Rutherford B. Goods. “They had a feature where you could add ‘funny’ captions to the Abu Ghraib photos, and an essay contest about how pacifism is for fags. I didn’t laugh so hard my sides didn’t hurt.�

Yet another wave of criticism has come at the Pentagon from humorless Americans who were tricked by the site’s lack of successful humor into regarding S’nooze as a legitimate news source. The site’s recent headline of “Iraqis Demand Recount—Not Enough Civilians Killed� sparked a flood of angry emails from readers who had missed the Pentagon’s tiny-type disclaimer of “Sponsored by the U.S. Department of Defense: You been punk’d, bitch!� at the bottom of the page, therefore missing the “joke.� No one is quite sure what to make of the fact that most of the angry readers were in favor of a tragic recount.

“Sure, everybody can make fun of the government all the live-long day, but now that we want to get in on the fun, it’s a crime against humanity,� complained project head Maj. Dean Veiner. “Entertainment Weekly actually said that, ‘a crime against humanity.’ I liked them better when they didn’t do web site reviews.�

commune media critics Roland McShyster and Orson Welch were both asked to review the site for this article, but the results were unfortunately deemed unsuitable for publication. For one, McShyster seems to have reviewed the similarly-named www.s’mores.com web site instead, and Welch’s review was so bitter that commune lawyers feared it would violate the state’s Hate Crimes Act of 2000.

We wrapped up production on "Ho's!" two weeks ago, so you can imagine it's great to have free time again, after four months of solid work, and years of unemployment before that. You get used to a certain amount of laidback time.

You might wonder what I've been doing. Not wasting it, I'll tell you that. Right after I beat the Metallichick video game I went out looking on a way to capitalize on my sitcom success. During the heyday of "Who's Your Daddy?" I used to get all kinds of perks, and when I say "perks," I'm not even referring to the free breast implants they gave me. It was a ripoff anyway, they give you the implants but then make you pay for the surgery. I was going to get some friends to put them in for me, but I didn't quite trust them. I trusted them like "pick up my mail when I'm gone," but not "invasive surgery" trust them. Actually, I wouldn't let them pick up my mail either.

Let me just say it was a washout. Nobody would give me anything. I couldn't get an obscene gesture from Dick Cheney, things are that bad. People don't even recognize me from the show. They took a picture of me key-scraping a car for the "On the Town" page in People, and they didn't identify me as "'Ho's!' Clarissa Coleman" To them I'll always been "'Who's Your Daddy?'s Clarissa Coleman." They wouldn't give me a free cup of coffee, and I even had a coupon, courtesy the WB. If you can't get a free T-shirt from a vinyl record store, you know your comeback didn't work. I would be worried the show won't be renewed for a second season, but I'm still too pissed at not being able to wrangle free shit.

Don't tell anyone who works at the show, but I've been looking at other offers from other TV shows. Maybe not offers—it's not like anyone's actually offered me another job. More like pitching ideas, and calling up people and begging to get on shows. It's nothing against the WB—okay, it is. It really is. You can't get a hell of a lot of respect on a WB show, as all that time trying to scam freebies proved to me. I want to be on a show all the critics respect and the audiences like. I called "The Sopranos," and offered to play anybody—even one of those dancers Tommy Soprano sleeps with and whacks, that kind of small role. It will be an interesting bit of trivia, like Wesley Snipes' performance in Wildcats. Or Woody Harrelson in Wesley Snipes' movies. But they wouldn't go for it.

Then I called "Six Feet Under," one of those other HBO shows with all the hype, and said I could play anything. They didn't like the idea I would play a body who'd come back to life at the funeral. I offered to play a regular body and they just kept asking who I was again, not a good sign. Just a bad experience all around. I suppose I could call all the other HBO shows, then start on Showtime shows or whatever. I get the feeling that would end in the same results, and before I'd know it I'd be asking to guest-star on UPN shows or something. That's all basically how I came to be on a WB show anyway.

That's when it dawned on me—I have no job at all right now. Why not be a writer? That's what all the other unemployed people do, and some of them become famous. I've at least got a famous name—people are always giving me free stuff. Famous people have a much easier time at getting their book published. Look at all those books Jimmy Carter's put out, and he hasn't done anything in years. But I'm not a book person. I just don't get why anyone would want to read when you can see something in a movie. But movies have writers, too. Some of them, if they're not Bruckheimer pictures. So that's what I'm going to do with my time. A screenplay! The biggest Clarissa Coleman comeback film you've never seen. It's going pretty good so far. The title page is sweet. As soon as I come up with an idea, and get a typewriter or a computer, I think the rest of it will flow naturally.

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