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 January 31, 2005 |
Old people captured in their natural habitat, somewhat blurrily by Junior Bacon due to a serious Metamucil allergy
This shockingly belated news has caused a rethinking of national attitudes toward the mostly-forgotten musical form of waltz and the senior citizens who claim to enjoy it. First developed in the Austrian alps in the 17th century as a form of social protest against the stuffy polonaises of the day,...
arents' groups across the country are up in arms this week following the publication of "Hitler: Flower of Hate," Maxwell Haus' stunning new biography of the late Nazi leader, which according to the dust jacket exposes the former fuehrer's deep fondness for waltz music. Citing evidence in personal diaries and correspondence between the two historical madmen, Haus' book suggests that waltz music may also have been a personal inspiration for Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, also mad.
This shockingly belated news has caused a rethinking of national attitudes toward the mostly-forgotten musical form of waltz and the senior citizens who claim to enjoy it. First developed in the Austrian alps in the 17th century as a form of social protest against the stuffy polonaises of the day, waltz was considered an exciting and dangerous music for almost four years until the Polka rocked Europe in 1834.
Concerned mobs throughout America have responded to the latest news with waltz record burnings all week long, in many cases raiding the record cabinets of their elderly and infirm parents to unearth the darkly influential albums before they can do further damage. Asked if her hysterical mob might be going too far, mob spokesperson and daughter of two Andrea Collins disagreed.
"Are you even listening, people?" gushed an exasperated Collins. "This is HITLER music! We've got to do this for the chil- the old! Do it for the olderly!"
Though evidence remains sketchy, sensationalistic media outlets have tied waltz music to the rash of shootings at seniors' dances which may have occurred across the country in recent months.
According to those same disreputable media outlets, a new strain of "hard core" waltz has been gaining in popularity among the nation's seniors in recent years, a trend that their grown children find troubling.
"This isn't your parents' waltz music," explained University of Pussy Lake musicologist Stans Frenton. "Or actually it is. I'm sorry, it's just a figure of speech that isn't terribly useful in this situation. Waltz music hasn't changed in 400 years; it's pretty much always been as offensive as it is right now."
Though the chances of waltz music spreading to our nation's youth have been estimated by experts to be "fuckin' remote, like Alaskan outback underground deaf hermit remote," concerned parents remain concerned about the effect this sedate, docile music may be having on their own elderly parents.
"First they start listening to waltz music," blathering idiot Josephine Matthews explained to the commune. "Then they don't want to take their pills any more, and they want to stay out all evening, slow dancing and sitting quietly in chairs."
Matthews shuddered at the thought, or possibly because it was cold.
"Well, at least our kids aren't listening to this waltz shit," sighed resigned parent Philip Dillinger of Oak Caverns, IL, poking around for something else to get upset about. "They don't look up to their grandparents at all, not much danger of there being a bad influence there. As a matter of fact, if I could convince my parents to start taking drugs and freak dancing, I'm pretty sure my kids would stop doing those things too. Hold on, I've got to make a call." the commune news has never gone in for scandalous passing fads like waltz music, preferring instead to stick with the classics: like Bachman Turner Overdrive. Oh yeah. Boner Cunningham is the commune's teen correspondent, and he learned about the waltz by reading the Encyclopedia Britannica. The Encyclopedia Britannica: full of all kinds old shit you've never heard of.
 |  January 31, 2005 |
Oscar-winner Adrien Brody (left) and Academy President Frank Pierson shamelessly flirt while announcing the 77th annual Academy Award nominations Tuesday, January 25, after which they read the winning lotto numbers.  
"Unmapped Island," released to poisonous reviews in early December 2004 by the independent film company Ted Ted Pictures, has been targeted for non-targeting by Hollywood elite, despite being completely original and elevating the film forum beyond the us...
ome groups (Christians and liberals) have called foul when the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences announced their nominations for the 2005 Oscars earlier this week, and their favorite agenda films The Passion of the Christ and Fahrenheit 9/11 were nowhere to be found. The greater mystery, if you ask any film fan in the know, is how the Academy could criminally overlook the short film masterpiece "Unmapped Island," released in 2004 just in time for the Oscars by film auteur and commune employee Ted Ted.
"Unmapped Island," released to poisonous reviews in early December 2004 by the independent film company Ted Ted Pictures, has been targeted for non-targeting by Hollywood elite, despite being completely original and elevating the film forum beyond the usual candy-ass picture Tinsel Town has been churning out for years. Meanwhile, tired biopics like The Aviator and Ray, and foxy boxing pictures like Million Dollar Baby steal the thunder from original films about one man pitted against nature and Nazis after surviving a shipwrecking.
Many were curious and highly pissed-off as to why a formidable new talent, perhaps even a genius(?), was completely passed over for the more traditional kind of slick-produced crap and prettyboy film star nonsense. Most notably, the director and writer himself, Ted Ted, called the move, "The same old Hollywood horseshit."
Though troubled by bad reviews from critics who either simply didn't get it or were too high-faluting to enjoy a movie that was great fun, "Unmapped Island," starring non-Oscar-nominee for Best Actor Ted Ted and also non-Oscar-nominee for Best Supporting Actor Ramrod Hurley, sold out both of its showings in Flatbush, New Jersey, and looked "quite professional," according to the theater owner and projectionist Randall Howard. The praise and audience approval falls on deaf ears in Hollywood, though, as letters go unanswered and phone calls unreturned by simple reporters trying to find out the facts for a story. Still, one has to wonder: Is Hollywood completely oblivious to identifying new talent these days, or do they hold some deep-seated perverse prejudice against filmmaker Ted Ted?
It's not the first time Hollywood has faced the Ted Ted controversy, and refused to answer perfectly reasonable questions about it. In 1999, Ted Ted's first short film Monolog was roundly ignored by critics, on the preposterous grounds that no one in the academy had seen it and it broke minor technical regulations by not being quite finished, though director Ted Ted promised the money for being nominated for an Oscar would be enough to get it finished in time.
Most disappointing, according to director Ted Ted, since he can't win an Oscar now by these ever-tightening Academy standards, he will never have the chance to respond to allegations by movie reviewer for the commune Orson Welch, who attacked the film as, "The most obvious attempt to rip-off both the television series 'Lost' and the movie The Great Escape ever to make it to any screen, even a local theater."
"It's a shame," said Ted Ted, in a carefully-prepared press conference attended by this commune reporter. "If I had the opportunity, I would have liked to reply to Welch, and other critics, by telling them: 'If you're so goddamned brilliant, why don't you go write your own movie and cast it and make it yourself with your hard-earned money? Oh, that's right, I remember now why—you can't. You're all hacks and all your stuff comes out looking retarded. Retards.'"
No one in Hollywood returned any of this reporter's calls, except for one press secretary representing Clint Eastwood, who asked us to please stop wasting her time. the commune news thought we had at least four more Lord of the Rings movies to keep us entertained, so we're not quite ready to root for any of this year's nominees. Furthermore, correspondent Ted Ted is also pissed he wasn't cast in nominee Finding Neverland, since the character of Tinkerbell is one of the few classic characters he's fit to portray on the silver screen.
| Carson story beaten to death in front of millions of witnesses Head of Colombian airport drug-sniffing dog department put down Saturn moon Titan, covered in liquid gas, may soon expect U.S. invasion Michael Powell leaving FCC; sick of hearing word "titties" on daily basis |
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 January 31, 2005 The Fifth commune Enthusiasts Club MeetingFirst off, my hearty congratulations for the commune's many recent successes. Sharp new look with the purple redesign—the new "Meet the Staff" page is excellent! And huge fans like us couldn't be happier with the return to a weekly schedule. Also, we're glad editor Red Bagel finally decided to come out of his bunker—with him on the job, Bush is much less likely to destroy the world. We're sure of it. As for Raoul Dunkin leaving… we're not quite sure how to respond to that. If he comes back, we hope he enjoys the respite from long days of office work. If he doesn't come back, fuck the dickwad.
All of you "reservists" who haven't made their way to a Shanesly, Vermont meeting of the cEC yet, you'll be happily surprised to hear we now have a membership of six, including myse...
º Last Column: The Fourth commune Enthusiasts Club Meeting
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First off, my hearty congratulations for the commune's many recent successes. Sharp new look with the purple redesign—the new "Meet the Staff" page is excellent! And huge fans like us couldn't be happier with the return to a weekly schedule. Also, we're glad editor Red Bagel finally decided to come out of his bunker—with him on the job, Bush is much less likely to destroy the world. We're sure of it. As for Raoul Dunkin leaving… we're not quite sure how to respond to that. If he comes back, we hope he enjoys the respite from long days of office work. If he doesn't come back, fuck the dickwad.
All of you "reservists" who haven't made their way to a Shanesly, Vermont meeting of the cEC yet, you'll be happily surprised to hear we now have a membership of six, including myself and Sandy, who refuses to allow herself to be counted, but since she doesn't read the commune, it'll be our secret I am counting her. But you read right—six! We've tripled our old membership. Since our famous New York City anti-Bush protest/get-together, some of those who stumbled onto our little group decided to stay. Our cEC, Shanesly, Vermont chapter (the only chapter we know of to exist, actually) now included Raymond Highsmith, Vera Mortimer, Lucas Lemon Cain, and Homeless Gary, who doesn't remember his last name. He sleeps in the clubhouse. But six members—I can imagine all of you out there in readerdom are as impressed as I am. Pretty soon we'll have too many members to even list here! But not for a while yet, if that convinces any of you to join up with us.
Our next meeting is February 12, a couple days before Valentine's Day, a day I know I won't be doing anything for. My latest girlfriend, Emily, decided we should take some time apart when she moved to Seattle without telling me. Not that it's necessarily commune Enthusiasts Club business, but as a leader I have nothing to hide from my flock, so I'll come out with it all. She was a bit controlling, but we got along pretty well. She really liked me, despite the fact I haven't had a job in a long time (she said as much), but she couldn't deal with sharing me with the commune Enthusiasts Club. Or, as she called it, "you sitting in a tree house by yourself for hours with no hope of ever amounting to anything." Which is quite unfair—I told her the treehouse was a temporary solution since we lack a more enduring meeting place. We'll pull it together—not that she wanted to hear any of it. Another woman uprooting and leaving town rather than committing to a serious relationship with me.
Homeless Gary promises to "dress up" the meeting house a little before the next get-together, but so far has yet to do so. His living in the treehouse is causing a bit of conflict between my parents and I, in all honesty, but I feel it just wouldn't be right to turn out a fellow cEC member into the cold during his time of need. Besides, as I told my dad, Homeless Gary never comes into the house except for those occasions I invite him to read the latest edition of the commune—which he also promises he'll get around to doing soon enough. So I don't understand why my dad's so upset, Homeless Gary doesn't even come into the house to use the bathroom—but my dad's not happy about that either, so don't mention it to him. Another sore point.
I'm quite thrilled to have a flock to lead, at last. Sandy and I, though she doesn't know it yet, are going to begin planning the float for the local Easter parade, a float honoring the commune, even though it's well in advance of the time we need. Better prepared than caught with our pants down. Which reminds me—I will have to talk to Homeless Gary about dress etiquette before the Feb. 12 meeting. See you there! º Last Column: The Fourth commune Enthusiasts Club Meetingº more columns | 
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Milestones1969: Red Bagel finds true calling when he stumbles on to faked moon landing being filmed in his local neighborhood YMCA.Now HiringRing-Bearer. Seeking meek carrier of unholy evil, pure of heart and with will to accomplish impossible deed. Three references and two years of experience necessary, start at minimum wage.Best John Travolta Comeback Films| 1. | Pulp Fiction (1994) | | 2. | Look Who's Talking (1989) | | 3. | Blow Out (1981) | | 4. | Staying Alive (1983) | | 5. | Welcome Back, Sweat Hogs (2003) | |
|   New DVD Formats to Boost Filler BY roland mcshyster 1/24/2005 Can you smell that, America? I'm not talking about the Oscars buzz; I think there might be a gas leak in my office. But do gas leaks usually smell like strawberries? Exactly. I think this may be some kind of fruit-hallucinating gas. The most deadly kind of them all. Because few people investigate a hallucinated fruit smell before it's too late. I'll leave you to the movie reviews, loyal readers, I'm off to buy a canary.
In Theaters Now:
The Alligator
Finally Martin Scorsese has stopped playing it safe with this bold tale of the visionary genius who made all those polo shirts with the little alligator on the breast, but then went too far and tried to make a gigantic wooden alligator to scare the queen. We all knew there was a movie in there some...
Can you smell that, America? I'm not talking about the Oscars buzz; I think there might be a gas leak in my office. But do gas leaks usually smell like strawberries? Exactly. I think this may be some kind of fruit-hallucinating gas. The most deadly kind of them all. Because few people investigate a hallucinated fruit smell before it's too late. I'll leave you to the movie reviews, loyal readers, I'm off to buy a canary.
In Theaters Now:
The Alligator
Finally Martin Scorsese has stopped playing it safe with this bold tale of the visionary genius who made all those polo shirts with the little alligator on the breast, but then went too far and tried to make a gigantic wooden alligator to scare the queen. We all knew there was a movie in there somewhere, and Scorsese found it by throwing out most of the facts and molding the rest out of an unrelated movie he was already working on. The cast really responds, and Leonardo DiCaprio was clearly paid for this participation this time around. Will it all be enough to finally bring Scorsese his coveted Best Costumes Oscar? Only time will tell.
Fat Albert
They had to make a deal with Bill Cosby to do it, but the Hollywood cartel has finally created the most insulting Albert Einstein biopic ever made. Hollywood's blinding hatred of Einstein has a long and storied history, dating back to the German scientist refusing to sell Hollywood the movie rights to his special theory of relativity, and punctuated by a long string of bitter Einstein-bashing biopic films released by Hollywood over the years, including Young Einstein, Hair and Weird Science. But Hollywood's latest handiwork tops them all, pulling out the big guns by accusing Einstein of being everything from overweight to a bad actor. I for one was surprised Hollywood decided to tempt the fates one more time, I sure wouldn't want some genius ghost sitting around in the afterlife, dreaming up ways to give me the bad hair day from hell.
Million Dollar Baby
No doubt you're already smelling the Oscar buzz surrounding this one, since the Academy loves babies. Unless you're smelling an actual baby. In that case, ew. The Academy also loves Clint Eastwood, because he's a mean, flinty-eyed motherfucker who often pays back disloyalty with a random gutshot, so it's love him or probably die. But Eastwood doesn't know Roland McShyster from a Polish Mount Shasta, so I'm free to point out that two old farts boxing over a precocious talking baby that got rich on Linux stock sounds like two shitty movie ideas sharing time in a sock. Do I feel lucky, punk? Hell no, I just had to sit through your whole movie, how lucky can I be?
Meet the Froggers
Video games are the new candy crack in Hollywood this year, and movie studio executives are falling over each other to make the next… the next… uh, the first decent video game movie ever. Most will no doubt turn out like Meet the Froggers, a movie that gives a bad name to surreal, misguided entertainment. The film follows a day in the life of a family that built their house by the side of a bridgeless, alligator-infested river full of pissed-off ducks, which to even get to you have to run across a freeway so busy it has an entire lane just for hauling-ass bulldozers. Granted, after all the bad movies they've made, it is entertaining to watch DeNiro, Hoffman, Stiller and especially Barbara Streisand get lane-changed like a Jackson Pollack painting, but the thrill wears off quickly when the actors keep returning after they've been killed. The director hasn't been born yet who can make a thrilling movie out of a one-level Atari game, but given the dangerously low number of nostalgic TV shows Hollywood has left to make into shitty movies, he'd better get his ass in gear.
Glad you enjoyed the views and reviews, America. But here's one more before you go: watch out for hawks. Did you know those things eat canaries? That's right. So even though you can tie a string around a canary's neck and have him fly home behind you like a kite, all things considered it's probably best to take the pet store guy up on his cage recommendation. Live and learn, America. See you next time.   |
