the commune, 1/9/25: You'll learn to love it or die trying

January 24, 2005

Hollywood, CA

Whit Pistol

Asian people insist you enjoy new technology

ans of the unskippable clutter clogging the front end of most commercial DVD releases received great news this week with the announcement that all major movie studios will begin releasing films in the HD-DVD and Blu-Ray formats later this year, allowing studios to pack even more commercials, trailers, multi-language legal disclaimers and FBI warnings onto their future releases.

The new formats were developed by a consortium of consumer-electronics giants in response to studio complaints that current DVD technology only allowed studios to force the purchasers of their DVDs to sit through about twenty minutes of unwanted content before getting to the main feature. HD-DVD will feature a 30GB capacity, enough for fifty trailers showing coming attractions, seven FBI warnings, twenty-seven commercials for other DVD releases and Pillsbury crescent rolls, and â€œThe views and commentary reflected on this disc do not reflectâ€¦â€ disclaimers in forty-seven languages. The rival Blu-Ray format, developed by Sony, is expected to nearly double that content, leaving the actual main feature as a virtual afterthought printed on the biodegradable glue between disc layers.

â€œThese new formats are a godsend for our industry,â€ explained Paramount Pictures head Sherry Lansing. â€œLast year we had to cut ten minutes out of Top Gun just so it would fit on the DVD between the trailers we wanted to include for our seventeen most exciting upcoming releases. This time next year, our biggest problem is going to be finding a way to make sure consumers arenâ€™t napping through the two hours of product placements and trailers weâ€™ll be able to fit before the movie. Weâ€™re already working on a feature that will crank up the televisionâ€™s volume for the trailers, in such a way that you wonâ€™t be able to turn it back down.â€

Other studios are said to be working on similar DVD technologies that would insert commercial breaks into DVD movies, add CGI product placements to films according to real-time sales figures, and one that would go so far as to turn on a consumerâ€™s television at pre-programmed times and play time-sensitive advertisements from the DVD.

Though the movie studios are understandably excited about these technological advancements, consumer advocates question why consumers would shell out big bucks to replace their relatively new DVD players with an even more abusive technology. But Hollywood studios remain unconcerned.

â€œWell, they bought DVD players, didnâ€™t they?â€ asks Twentieth Century Fox head Hutch Parker. â€œDamn did they buy DVD players. I mean, with VCRs, you could just fast-forward past all the crap at the beginning, or just never rewind the tape that far. People obviously prefer being made to watch this stuff, so weâ€™re adding more. After all, adding commercials before the half-hour of trailers we show in the movie theaters sure hasnâ€™t kept people from shelling out $10 at the movies, right?â€

â€œTheyâ€™ll buy them,â€ agreed Lansing. â€œWeâ€™re going to say the new Blu-Ray shit has twice the ignots or something, make something up. â€˜High Definition,â€™ whatever that means. â€˜Crystal-clear picture and bone-rattling sound,â€™ that sounds good, right? Weâ€™ll say they make the old DVDs we were hyping last week look like burnt turd, and those geeks will eat it up.â€

the commune news wants our entertainment, and we want it now, which is why weâ€™ll be filming all our own movies from now on. Ivana Folger-Balzac has already inked a deal to star in several commune Pictures productions as an unstoppable killing machine called Ivana Folger-Balzac.

January 24, 2005

Washington, DC

Junior Bacon

French protestors celebrate Bush's second term

eorge W. Bush was theoretically sworn in as the 43rd president of the United States last Thursday, in a ceremony that went completely unwatched in his native country. Foreign media debated the content of Bush's speech, while American scientists debated the age-old question, "If the president gives a speech and nobody bothers to tune in, does it make a sound?"

"All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. Except North Korea, or other oil-free regions not worth our time," Bush said in his speech, according to the Zaire Free Press. American papers instead ran lead stories Friday on Saturn's frozen, gas-soaked moon Titan, as well as the religious debate over the sexual orientation of Spongebob Squarepants.

While some are blaming the lack of viewer interest on American political apathy, others point out that Bush's approval rating of 49 percent is unprecedentedly low for a president being sworn in, despite his very recent victory in the November election. Not only historically bad for a re-elected president, Bush's approval ratings are believed to be the lowest for any president ever at the time of his inauguration, and appear to indicate that at least 4% of the population voted for the president in November in spite of neither liking the man nor approving of the job he had done. Whether this figure should stand as an indictment of the voting public, or just former Democratic challenger John Kerry, is unclear. Bush supporters still put a positive spin on the numbers, however, explaining that those 49% probably really, really approve of the president a lot.

Neither Bush supporters nor detractors could be bothered much by the president's speech, however. Supporters complained that the replay of the speech ran right into Thursday night powerhouses The Apprentice and CSI: Crime Scene Investigations, setting Bush up to lose in a battle against more entertaining programs. Bush detractors explained that they'd rather have their skin removed by hyenas than have to watch that beef-brained cowboy flap his chops for ten whole seconds. Undecideds apparently spent the evening making handicrafts.

In Mena, Saudi Arabia, 2.5 million Muslims gathered to throw rocks at a picture of Bush on Thursday, celebrating the U.S. President's victorious second term with a traditional stoning and screamed curses about the devil.

Most of Europe was similarly excited, spending the hours after Bush's inauguration visiting churches, bars, and other places of comfort from deep spiritual despair. Numerous organized protests of the Bush presidency were held, most strangely enough in countries where Bush is not the president.

Americans seemed more surprised that anything had happened at all, asking confused questions about if it was time to vote again or if there was a part of an inauguration where you could speak up if you knew some reason that guy shouldn't be president, like the part in weddings. Others explained that they were fresh out of that not-apathy thing, or were saving their energy for the next soul-crushing election in 2008.

the commune news knew there was an inauguration this week, we just thought they were opening a new Denny's and went to the wrong place. Lil Duncan is the commune's Washington correspondent and in-office air hockey champion, a fact she has yet to realize is related less to skill than to low-cut cleavage. Come to think of it, that comment could apply to either Washington corresponding or air hockey.

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January 24, 2005

Charity and Ginger Baker

º Last Column: A Christmas Sandwich Come True
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You can well imagine my fury when I found out my charity, "Rok Finger's Kids," hadn't been in operation for a number of years. Worse yet, I was still writing all my donations off on my taxes, and the IRS is just this side of pissed about that. What a middle-class nightmare. I immediately went down to see what happened to my charity, and why they apparently closed down after a month.

This is the worst time for money problems. My one source of incomeâ€”the communeâ€”has put me on early warning that I may be losing my job, the car is in desperate need of X-M radio, Camembert is getting married in three months, and I just spent $12,000 on that exorcism and that guy Eugene is still sleeping in the attic. What a waste of money. Did I mention Camembert proposed to his girlfriend? Funny how I forget to mention all these major things. I'm pretty sure I did three or four extensive columns on X-M radio alreadyâ€¦ but as I said, this could not be a worse time for money issues.

Since the building for the charity is now a Taco Bell, and all the bank accounts are closed and everything, I had to track down the former president of Rok's Kids and see what the deal was. How does a charity go out of business after a month? Uncharitable bastards, perhaps. But I couldn't second-guess the situation. I wanted facts.

That former president I mentioned was a woman, it turns out. Always look closely at those forms your applicants fill out. I thought by her name, Ginger Baker, she had to be a man, but turns out I was wrong. Sure, she was quite qualified for running charitable organizations, having ran the March of Dimes for five years before she was fired and charged with embezzling, but it doesn't change the fact she's a woman. And you know how I feel about women and how they deal with moneyâ€”they're hopelessly good with math, and will always be on your ass about where the expenditures are going. I didn't need that.

Too late now, of course. So I found Ginger Baker at her new job, running a talent agency for pets, and demanded to know what happened to my charitable organization that shared my namesake. She said it bottomed out very quickly, that no one wanted to give any money to an organization named after a guy they had never heard of, an organization whose recipients, for all intents and purposes, were kids with no discernible illnesses or afflictions. I said it was horse hockey, of course, and then laughed for several minutes at the idea of horses wearing ice skates playing hockey. The shape of the goalie mask alone nearly put me into a permanent laughing comaâ€¦ heh hehâ€¦ horse hockeyâ€¦

So everything worked perfectly, and I have a date with Ginger Baker for Saturday. She's quite an attractive woman, for someone who refuses to smile unless it's tax-deductible. And sexy, too! No, not at all. But thanks for getting my hopes up. In truth, you may or may not know this, but I do not write my column "live," and in fact write it several days ahead of the time it actually prints. So Saturday has, in fact, come and gone already. To you, Rok Finger of that Saturday: Way to go, you sex factory! Or, by alternative, way to blow it for all of us, dickweed. One of these is probably applicable to you.

Oh, and if it need to be said, don't worry about the kids. They were bed-bound, some of them comatose, and in either case they weren't very aware I started a charity for them at all. They probably don't know the gravy train ever began, so they won't wonder where it went to.

º Last Column: A Christmas Sandwich Come True
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Quote of the Day

“History is written by Jonathan Winters.”

-Germaine "Double Dip" Proverb

Fortune 500 Cookie

For God's sake, don't climb up in that porcupine tree. Sorry, being optimistic still won't get you a discount on eyeglasses. Remember, "lambast" is neither a compliment nor a veterinary term. This week, you will find love where you least expected it: up the ass. Your lucky disguise: a giant plastic toucan.

Try again later.

Top KFC Image-Makeover Slogans

1.	Kids, Fun, and Cholesterol
2.	Karmic Food Co-op
3.	Killin' Fuckin' Chickens
4.	Koreans for Christ
5.	Kome Feed da Chiknz

Junkies Help Rebuild Afghanistan Economy

BY roland mcshyster

1/24/2005

Can you smell that, America? I'm not talking about the Oscars buzz; I think there might be a gas leak in my office. But do gas leaks usually smell like strawberries? Exactly. I think this may be some kind of fruit-hallucinating gas. The most deadly kind of them all. Because few people investigate a hallucinated fruit smell before it's too late. I'll leave you to the movie reviews, loyal readers, I'm off to buy a canary.

In Theaters Now:

The Alligator
Finally Martin Scorsese has stopped playing it safe with this bold tale of the visionary genius who made all those polo shirts with the little alligator on the breast, but then went too far and tried to make a gigantic wooden alligator to scare the queen. We all knew there was a movie in there some...