ortal fools announced their plans to disturb the earthly remains of reggae legend Bob Marley Wednesday, as part of a plan to celebrate what would have been the singer's 60th birthday. The proposal to exhume Marley has angered some Jamaicans, the few who are not exceptionally easygoing about everything, since Marley was one of the most famous sons of the country.

The exhumation would culminate in the body being cremated, inhaled deeply by close family and friends, held for as long as possible, and then released into the air. The ashes would then be scattered over the soil of Ethiopia, which Marley's widow Rita called his "spiritual resting place."

"Bob was the dearest soul I ever knew," said lifetime friend Cosell Hamlet. "An inspiration to everyone he ever met. I know his soul is in a better place. And I bet his body will be great shit."

Marley popularized reggae internationally in the 1970s, with a string of hits such as "No Woman, No Cry" and "Get Up, Stand Up." Reggae is the spiritual music of his home country of Jamaica, and the Rastafarian brought it to everyone in the world with his peaceful lyrics and mellow sound. Thanks to him reggae can now be heard at any party attended on a college campus or from any window from which pours copious amounts of smoke.

In Jamaica, however, all is not perfectly mellow for everybody, as some say to take Marley's body is to rob Jamaica of its history, and risk bumming everyone out.

"Nah, man, don't bogart Bob. He was a part of Jamaica, and now his body is part of the land itself," said Jamaican history expert Dr. Addi Townstone, who has started an organization to protest Marley's exhumation. "We ask the family to let him stay—stay in Jamaica."

Rita Marley refused further comment on plans to exhume and smoke her husband, who died in 1981 from cancer. The Bob Marley Foundation, not to be confused with the Peter Tosh Committee to Legalize It, was quick to quell the uproar.

"It's okay! It's nothing to get out of joint about, brother," said Bebe Shadley, press agent for the Foundation. "It's all irie, my friend."

Odidi Hubistato, who oversees the Ethiopian Orthodox Church and will be presiding over a ceremony honoring Marley on his birthday February 6, looked forward to the ceremony.

"Ashes to ashes, smoke to smoke, like we say," said Hubistato. "I for one plan to be up in the front row when we light those spleefly remains. Jah love the man."

All have apparently forgotten the price to be paid for unearthing the dead, regardless of good intentions. To stir the remains of the deceased is to invite an eternity of damnation and curses, the howls and haunts of the wretched specter himself. Prepare, all who trespass, for the nightly visitations of the angry ghost of the dead reggae superstar!

Bob Marley himself, an ethereal presence in a world unknown to mankind, declined to be interviewed. We were, however, able to talk to long-dead Jacob Marley, no relation.

"I wear the chain I forged in life," said Marley's ghost, indicating a very obvious large chain. "I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it." He concluded, "I am here to-night to warn you, that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate."

urprise abounded following the January 9 election in the West Bank, when it was forecast Swedish pop supergroup ABBA had a landslide victory and would be declared president(s) of the Arabic state. ABBA, who could not be more white, and had not been aware they were even nominated, were more surprised than anyone else.

ABBA, a musical group who reigned during the age of disco, is comprised of members Benny Andersson, Agnetha Faltskog, Anni-Frid Lyngstad, and Bjorn Ulvaeus. The Swedish sensations held 60% of the vote over the nearest competitor, Mustafa Barghouti, in the nation's first U.S.-approved free election. Upon conceding the race, Barghouti told a crowd of followers, "I can't believe I lost to ABBA."

A third contender protested the election, Palestinian politician Mahmoud Abbas, who claimed the victory more rightly belonged to him. Mahmoud Abbas had spent a great deal of money and time campaigning, claiming the Swedish supergroup had not even entered the Palestinian state at any time during the election process, or possibly at all, ever. Election officials said they would look into it, though the way they shook their heads made it seem more like an effort to pacify the sore loser.

Spokespeople for ABBA, who disbanded in 1982, thought we were messing with them. Being spokespeople for ABBA, they said, they get that all the time.

Results came Sunday night, as Election officials tallied votes as they came into the office. The election was problematic, given recent economic constraints necessitated write-in ballots for candidates in many areas, but officials felt sure enough of the results to give the blue-eyed Swedish pop group an early victory. After Barghouti's concession speech, Palestine waited patiently for ABBA to declare victory. After Mahmoud Abbas tried to assert his right to the presidency, Election officials rejected his claim, based on the strict literal nature of Palestinian law.

"It says ABBA here," said one official in a snooty tone, holding up a few slips of handwritten papers that constituted votes.

Despite the apparent reluctance of the "Waterloo" superstars to accept their new role in international politics, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel "The Little Mermaid" Sharon called Stockholm, Sweden to congratulate any members of ABBA he could find. Eventually, Bjorn Ulvaeus accepted the charges, but reportedly told Sharon it had all been some sort of misunderstanding. Sharon would have none of it, he later told the press.

"We believe ABBA may find politics a tougher game than the music business, but not by much." All the reporters in the press corps politely laughed at the Prime Minister's joke. "Israel is eager to outline a plan of peace with ABBA for the future of Palestine. We are already working out a number of proposals, including disbanding the government and repatriating Arabic nationalities in the occupied territory in exchange for a weekly variety special on Arabic television, and a five-record deal with Yzbeki Records, a premiere label. I see a brighter future for these dancing queens, and for Israel."

Election officials were still holding to their decision as of a week following, but did say they would review all appropriate records and laws to determine whether four people could hold a position formerly held by one Arabic man. If a challenge arose, a run-off election could come up for ABBA, Barghouti, and Mahmoud Abbas, or a three-way race-around-the-world to decide the people's choice to lead Palestine.

Did you see it? Did you see?

True 'dat, I made it to the top once again. My show aired last week in the WB's prime Saturday night line-up. It was pre-empted in some areas by tornado warnings or an old movie, but most of the nation got to see the debut of "Ho's!" I was thrilled.

They edited some of my best ad-libs out, but I can deal with that. Save it for the DVD special features.

I'm listed next to last in the credits, right before David Faustino—that's practically the best spot, next to the first spot, the last spot, and the next-to-first spot. If I can get a "with" in front of my credit, I'll be red-hot in Hollywood again. I feel it coming back to me already.

My favorite part was when the one girl asked me what I thought of her ho outfit, and I did that black girl wag of my head. I didn't even say anything and I got, like, the biggest laugh of the show! That's going to be my catchphrase, I can feel it. Everybody's going to be doing that within a month. Then it will get old and stale and I'll tell people how '90s it is to still be doing that. But I'll still do it, if they want me to, if they just meet me on the street or whatever. You got to please your fans.

I suppose the ratings were pretty good. We beat out all three of the major networks, I don't know how that happened. The producer said the WB wins the ratings on Saturdays a lot because all the old people stay home from the clubs just to watch the most offensive thing they can find on TV and write angry letters to the newspaper about it. I don't know if that's a theory or what, but I'm happy they made us number one! How's that, folks? I'm on a number one sitcom—again! And they say thunder never strikes twice. Thunder or rapists, I can't remember how the phrase goes.

Not that the critics care about ratings. TV Guide called the show "bargain basement stupid." I thought that was a compliment for a bit, like how all my friends say "stupid," but apparently TV Guide still means it like my dad says it. None of the other critics were good about it either. "Disgraceful," "repulsive," "fecal," I've heard them all. Even the commune's Orson Welch wrote an article for Profound Magazine calling it, "The same boorish quality of trash as every low-grade half-wit idea on television." But it is a magazine that reviews television for people too snobbish to watch it, so no surprise there. Roland McShyster was pretty cool, he reviewed it in an office memo last week and called it a "heart-warming history of the Hostess company, told in flashbacks." I didn't see any of that myself, but maybe I'm too close to the inside.

I don't want to rest on my success, though. That's how you end up a TV nobody, like George Clooney. Sure, he may be doing all sorts of movies and everything right now, but he hasn't done TV in years—and probably never will again. You've got to build a lasting TV career, you can't fall back on what's easy. I want to keep doing "Ho's!" and find new ways to develop it. I've already proposed a spin-off for my character of Ophelia, the white ho, but I also want to do TV movies, or maybe even an all-singing, all-dancing variety special, if I can find people who can sing and dance. I also want to direct—direct TV.

But I've seen both sides of success, success and non-success. Too much of the latter. It's important to me that I make not just a funny show, but a real television legacy. I want "Ho's!" to be as memorable as the great shows, like "Just Shoot Me," or "Who's Your Daddy?"

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