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January 17, 2005   
We just don't make 'em like we used to
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Suck It, 2004: The Year in ReviewJanuary 10, 2005
Flatbush, NJ
Mrs. Bird, Graphics
A podge of the hodge that made 2004 so yearish
G
oodbye, 2004. Thanks so much for biting the dong and hanging around for at least eleven months too long, until it finally took a forty-story tall wall of hauling ass saltwater to wash your taste out of our mouths. Thanks for finally dragging your skanky, broken ass off our calendar at last, and don’t think we won’t be calling the Goodwill in the morning to come pick up what’s left of your shit. The new year is here, and it doesn’t stink quite so strongly of Jovan Musk.

2004 dazzled us like strange, incomprehensible kabuki theater, in which a talking gonad was somehow re-elected president and the biggest group of losers this side of Color Me Badd accidentally won the World Series. Martha Stewart went to jail and Kobe Bryant didn’t, teaching America’s children a v...Read more...

Model Escapes CatastropheJanuary 10, 2005
Phuket, Thailand
Courtesy SI
Duck, bitch!
T
he whole wide world heaved a giant sigh of relief this week with the news that disaster had been averted: despite Mother Nature’s best attempts to rob us of one of our most beautiful people, pretty Czech supermodel Petra Nemcova has survived the Asian tsunami. Accidentally trapped in the midst of the ugly foreign tragedy while on a glamorous beach vacation, Nemcova soldiered through the big wet mess by clinging bravely to a tree while her photographer boyfriend was tsunamied to his apparent death. Nemcova sustained only moderate injuries in what international aid workers are calling “a miracle from God.”

That same miracle, however, killed over 155,000 foreign peoples, most of whom can charitably be described as “nobodies.” To date, the bodies of over 155,000 nobod...Read more...

Insulated, spoiled royal son shockingly oblivious to history
White guy celebrates MLK day by sitting at back of bus
Kraft bankrupt after years of wasteful spending individually wrapping cheese slices
Armstrong Williams accepts federal grant to sell Tide to African-Americans



January 17, 2005
Click for Biography

Gay Demographics

I have emerged from my underground bunker. The Thai place will no longer deliver food there. It was fun while it lasted, but since the world has yet to blow up under the leadership of George W. Bush, the international response might not be exactly what I predicted. They're probably taking a "wait and see rather than destroy the world" approach, and I will follow that lead. For now.

Personally, if I were a Thai delivery guy, I would be happy to give blood and urine samples to a customer who asked for them before letting you enter the domicile. But that's just me—security isn't a big concern in Thailand, I suppose. Not a lot of cases of stolen identity.

But let's put that behind us. I picked an opportune time to return from exile, as I can see. The new commune i...Read more...

º Last Column: The Election of the Twenty-First Century
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Quote of the Day
“A little bad taste is like a dash of paprika. A lot of bad taste, like a grinder full of cayenne pepper. And doing that annoying Cajun guy impression while doing anything—well, that's just beyond bad taste.”

-Dirty Parkbench
Fortune 500 Cookie
In the annals of history, there has always been one man who laughs uncontrollably whenever someone says "annals"—that's your legacy. Turn up the heat this week, 'cause that fucking turkey has been in the oven since Saturday. If you can't beat them, join them, and show them what real losers they are for accepting you into the group. Lucky bastards this week are Tom Monroe, Pete Gelbart, Judy Simon, and that son you're pretty sure is living in Winnipeg now.


Try again later.
John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes
1.Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3."I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Gonzales Clarifies "Feast on Terrorists' Bones" Comment

View Past Columns
BY orson welch
1/17/2005
It's a new year, readers, and a new chance to decimate our low standards until they've reached rock bottom—then again, our nation has made Adam Sandler and Ashley Judd both millionaires. Is there much further left to go? Bah, humbug. On with the DVDs from last year.

Now on DVD

The Forgotten
I think this came out, but can't be absolutely sure. I've asked around, even called the studio that released it, and no one can verify this movie was made. Quite aptly titled, at least. I understand it may have been produced three years ago and someone found it lying around on a shelf on the backlot. He unwisely chose to release it, whoever he was. But it's hardly wor...Read more...