ans of democracy were delighted to hear the form of government appeared to be working in Ukraine, a former member of the Soviet Union, though they were somewhat sheepish to admit it had been fairing poorly here in the United States, the oldest practitioner of democracy in the world.

On Friday, the Ukraine Supreme Court threw out the results of November's runoff election between Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych, backed by the Kremlin, and opposition leader Viktor Yuschenko. Upon closer examination of the last names, Americans may realize these are not the same person. Meanwhile, in America, George Bush continued to smirk and make angry threats to the rest of the non-Western world as he eviled-up his cabinet with a few more additions. Challenges to the legitimacy of Ohio's electoral votes for Bush in November's election remain unheard as of press time.

Supporters of Yuschenko claimed the election was rigged in favor of Yunukovych, part of the current president Leonid Kuchma's administration. Yuschenko challenged election results in favor of Yunukovych in the Ukranian Supreme Court based on incidents of fraud in 8 of Ukraine's 25 election districts. The Ukranian Supreme Court agreed a possibility of fraud had occurred, and ordered another election to be held to decide the new Ukranian president.

During his first election in 2000, candidate George W. Bush claimed victory in the presidential election even as the popular vote demonstrated his loss and many districts were held up to questions of fraud or illegitimate results. The U.S. Supreme Court stopped the recount of districts in dispute, effectively handing the presidency to the former president's son and Washington insider.

Outgoing Ukranian president Leonid Kuchma described his country's predicament, claiming, "Ukraine that existed before the election no longer exists. It has been split up into two sides with absolutely opposite opinions." Once again, Kuchma was speaking about his own country, and not the United States.

American president George W. Bush, fresh from his own narrow and controversial victory in November, warned Russia not to involve itself in Ukranian affairs, stating, "Any election, if there is one, ought to be free from any foreign influence." Presumably all interference in a free election should come from groups of conservative vote challengers and election lawyers.

Ukraine's Viktor Yuschenko delighted in the country's Supreme Court ruling, as polls have him well ahead of his opponent in another election. Yuschenko said Friday, "Freedom and truth are returning to Ukraine following today's decision." Voters in America were at least pleased to finally find out where freedom and truth ended up after abandoning their own country.

When asked to compare the happenings in the free Ukraine and the recent elections in the United States, most people we asked were curious as to what the hell Ukraine was, while others asked us to leave them alone, as they desperately wanted to get home and watch a Tivo'd episode of The Apprentice they've been saving all week.

mm, don't you know it—even in a world where cancer, AIDS, and any number of illnesses run unchecked and uncured, claiming victims by the millions, one other taker has been revealed as the fastest-spreading (no pun intended) disease of the 21st century: Sexual dysfunction. The revelation is based on money spent on research and treatment in America, by Americans. While sexual dysfunction hasn't seem to reached other continents at quite the same level, the western world, and especially America, suffers astronomical degrees of sexual dysfunction.

Dr. Clammy Goodtime, and yes, that is his real name, has spearheaded (again, pun not intended) an international investigation into sexual dysfunction, based on the spending of major drug companies and private citizens on treatment. According to Dr. Goodtime, sexual dysfunction has become epidemic in the western world, where up to 20% of all money flowing into the medical profession is directed. In other regions of the world, such as Africa, the percentage is less than zero, but Dr. Goodtime remains confident the low numbers are based on a lack of diagnosis and reporting of sexual dysfunction, rather than some high-quality banging going on continent-wide.

"In most cases, even here in America, sexual dysfunction was strangely under-reported right up until the 1970s," said Dr. Goodtime, stroking his charming soulpatch. "Then, in the 1980s, major improvements in diagnosing the sexually-inadequate were made, thanks to the pioneering research of those like Dr. Ruth Westheimer. You reach the 1990s and all of a sudden the sexually-impaired were coming out of the woodwork, figuratively speaking, to treat their dysfunction. We now stand, in the early twenty-first century, as having the highest population in the history of the world with diagnosed sexual dysfunction. Take that, ancient Rome!"

Dr. Goodtime reports, darling, that in thirty short years sexual research has gone from a stodgy, secretive area of study to a mainstream psychological phenomenon. Years ago, before television and the media opened up the discussion of sex for everyone, sexual dysfunction was only diagnosed in rare and extreme cases, such as those with a severe phobia to sex. These days, patients can—and frequently do—diagnose themselves.

Advertisements for medications that prolong sexual function after its normal duration, such as Viagra or Cialis, and devices such as the Intrinsa "sex patch" have attempted to restore the libido of a twentysomething to those who might not naturally have the urge to have sex as much as they used to. On the outer perimeter of such research are also medications which can enhance the physical qualities of both men and women to make them more sexually appealing to people who want nothing to do with them.

Other treatments for sexual dysfunction—regardless of the cause—are already in the works by medical companies who want to cash in on the billion-dollar tragedy of reduced sexual activity. Among other potential treatments, Procter & Gamble is developing a "sex box," a device applied to the genitals which can treat the common problem suffered by many men and women who suffer sexual dysfunction from not finding anybody willing to fornicate with them. The product is undergoing research right now, and no, sweetie, they've got enough volunteers for the study already.

Some, like Badgeport, Tennessee apple grower Wilfred Canton, are grateful to the medical profession for focusing so much attention on sexual dysfunction instead of more incurable illnesses such as diabetes and heart disease.

"I'm a child of the sixties, man, I grew up in the age of the sexual revolution," Canton said. "I spent my childhood wishing I was old enough to have sex, and I spent my teen-age years thinking I should be having a lot, lot more of it. In my twenties and thirties, I spent all my time having sex whenever I could, at the expense of developing more lasting relationships with people. Now that I'm going to be forty, you're telling me I'm going to start losing the urge? Nuh-uh. I didn't spend my life with an unhealthy focus on sex just to have it end now."

Being locked away from the world outside due to fear of nuclear annihilation as its advantages. I'm still very disappointed Bush won re-election, but until I get that blog up and running, I don't see very many opportunities to communicate with the outside world about it. Fortunately, lacking communication with the world, I've found other ways to spend my time. For one, I'm working on that book I've long wanted to get done—not the novel A Fistful of Tannenbaum, that's more a thinly-veiled autobiography of what happened to me and a friend trying to exchange pesos for dollars in Mexico City, although slightly embellished.

No, the book I've long wanted to work on is an encyclopedia of the world's greatest conspiracies. To refute the false claims and reinforce the false claims I prefer—which is to say, the truth. I'd like to print some of the work I've been doing on that in this column, not only because I have nothing else going on in my life, but because my commune fanmail has been instrumental in helping me amass both conspiracies and the proof I need for them. Since most of the questions mailed to me consist of the same two introductions—one, "Dude, what the fuck is up with…" and two, "Yo, me and my friend were really high the other night and got to wondering…"—I'll just go ahead and jump right to the conspiracies themselves.

The Secret of Area 51

That's not quite a question, but I think I see where you're going with this. Amateur conspiracy buffs believe the government is hiding one or more alien spacecraft at Area 51, more specifically "Hangar 18." This is a dumb misunderstanding, because some lame tourist wandering the installation in 1949 saw a weird spaceship in the hangar while looking for a men's room. Hangar 18 is, in fact, only a parking lot for alien visitors who have traveled across the stars to donate sperm for our "alien impregnation" program. They get $30, a plate of cookies, and all the free human-on-human porn they need. Don't judge if they get a kick out of it. But Area 51 itself is just a big alien spunk collection base. The fact they won't let private citizens in to see—count yourself lucky. Alien auto-erotic stimulation is particularly nasty, and the little buggers have lousy aim.

Is Bigfoot for Real?

Bigfoot does not exist. A guy died a few years ago and his kids admitted the whole thing was a hoax he liked to do while unemployed for long periods of time, so you can guess he did it a lot. There was a short time between 1968 and 1984 (during my Miami Vice look) when I vehemently believed in Bigfoot. This is best explained by the time-travel erasure theory. Bigfoot no longer exists because some dickwad from the future got a hold of a professor's time machine, traveled back to before Bigfoot time, and kept him from coming into being. Between 1968 and 1984, I must have been immune to the effects of the time erasure, but it caught up with me. Bigfoot is no longer real. I'm sure this time.

Who Really Killed JFK?

Nixon strangled him after Kennedy won their first debate. An act of passion, Nixon shrugged his shoulders and looked sorry, so witnesses let it slide. They had plenty of other Kennedys to fall back on, thanks to cloning.

Who Really Killed the JFK Clone in 1963?

Christ, sir, do I have to know everything? The popular theory right now is that he was killed by a group of runaway JFK clones, who were jealous of his selection to replace the real JFK, but I find that rather silly. I tend to believe it was a group of Lee Harvey Oswald clones, and they would have been caught and revealed the whole Kennedy conspiracy and the existence of clones, until they were gang-raped by a group of Jack Ruby clones. Of course, the 1974 Leehi Commission on Human Cloning still claims this is all bullshit, and won't let me have any of my pictures back, conveniently enough.

Now I've only rippled the surface of the water. I'm saving the best bits for my book, but I hope it has gotten you interested enough to invest. Send me more mail, and money.

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