People Thrilled by Verdict for Man They Don't Know

San Mateo jury came back with the verdict of guilty for Scott Peterson Friday, and a lot of people who couldn't possibly have known the accused mortal to any real degree were really, really pleased. Roars of approval sounded when news of the verdict reached crowds outside, spending valuable time from their lives involving themselves in a case with absolutely no bearing on them.

Peterson, who may receive the death penalty for his crime, had been accused of the murder of his wife and unborn son, and also committed the despicable crime of occupying TV sets everywhere for more than a year when word of his sensationalized crime reached news organizations. His high-profile lawyer, smarmy Mark Geragos, defended his client as "an abominable dick, but not guilty of the crime." While for the opposing side, prosecutor Rick Distaso painted a picture of a man who was "a dick who did exactly what it sounds like he did."

Details of the trial captured the imagination of America, as the miseries of others in the world whose fate our actions control went forgotten. The case became even more fascinating for the uninvolved when it was revealed Peterson had kept a mistress massage therapist named Amber, and the jury were treated to tapes of their sexy phone calls. For months, viewers followed the search for the remains of Laci Peterson, Scott's wife, and their unborn son, and ratings went through the roof when they were discovered in the San Francisco Bay. Peterson was arrested with blond hair, but not for that reason, and was carrying $15,000 the prosecution said he was using to flee to Mexico.

People in no danger from Scott Peterson at all expressed how relieved they were he would be going to jail, or would receive the death penalty. Like Mitzi Kownuhno, of Gleaton, Rhode Island.

"At last, the world makes sense again," over-dramatized Kownuhno, upon watching the verdict on TV.

Those who showed up in person to hear Peterson's fate were also happy about his guilt.

"He's going to get exactly what he deserves, and I would like to be the one to pull the switch," said Herbert Teal of San Mateo, a jobless man who would like to apply for a public executioner position.

Fellow bystander Kiki Armoire agreed. "It's the kind of crime where you have to sit up and take notice. A woman, carrying her husband's child, betrayed by a man she thought was faithful to her… it's scary to think it could happen to any of us." Armoire, 34, admitted she had no husband or children, and had been watching the case extensively between reruns of C.S.I.

"We got him," exclaimed fellow outsider Michelle Pozowonysk, hugging a nearby stranger as she cried. "Thank God we got him!"

In other cities, people gathered in groups to watch the announcement of the verdict on CNN and Court-TV. Living viewers in public establishments such as Vorlon's Tavern in New York City awaited the verdict with baited breath, as if it mattered in the slightest in their insignificant, quickly-evaporating human lives. Most reacted with a swell of joy at the decision, though some demonstrated a degree of disappointment.

"Well, shit," said Jimmy "Meatball" Hughes, a sanitation engineer from Brooklyn. "That's all I had to watch until they start showing the Christmas specials on the TV."

etrayed by the voters of Ohio, America and the rest of the world summoned immense courage Nov. 3 and admitted, in the wake of the concession of Democratic candidate John Kerry, George W. Bush would get four more years as president of the United States.

In a race described as "pubic hair close," numbers built up all election night in the columns of both candidates. However, the president piled electoral votes all night long as Kerry generally lagged behind, if not all that far behind. With key states still slow to declare their choice as winner, Kerry conceded the presidency when the numbers demonstrated a reasonable lead by Bush in the popular vote and in the state of Ohio. The Democratic candidate delivered his speech on Nov. 3, after a sleepless night of feeling the voters would support him with the final numbers.

"To all my supporters I have this to say: I have watched the race closely, as you have, and consulted with my advisors, and I have reached a single conclusion: God must really hate me," said the Massachusetts senator. "There can be no other explanation for the fact that I have lacked the personality and excitement to build on my distinguished career and commendable war record, and convince America I couldn't possibly be a worse president than Mr. Bush. A president universally abhorred outside our national borders, a president who will undoubtedly go down as the most insidious man to ever be re-elected by the American people, and I have somehow failed to channel his monumental boners into a Democratic victory. I go now, forever exiled from politics, to live in a cave somewhere. I wish I were speaking in metaphor, but I am being quite literal."

Following Kerry's concession, nervous states with votes still out rushed to throw their now-useless electoral votes behind the president, fearing many, many more visits by future Republican candidates. The final count became Bush at 286 electoral votes, Kerry at 252. Ralph Nader ran a distant third, and somehow even failed to draw the 0 electoral votes he hoped to get.

Political analysts detailed many factors in voters' decisions to re-elect the man who has pissed off virtually everyone in the past four years. Voters for Bush overwhelmingly cited clichés, such as "stay the course," and wanting to show "support for a war-time president," even though it's highly unlikely a Republican holding the office would not be a war-time president. They also showed an amazing recollection for Bush soundbites, disparaging John Kerry as "a flip-flopper" and a man with "no experience as president." Other election analysts, more extreme in their calculations, suggest Bush found himself re-elected because Americans are masochists or simply hate the rest of the world, or a large collection of people really enjoy Michael Moore films and wanted to see a lot more.

In his victory speech, the president managed to just barely restrain his smugness, keeping it at an 8, tops, and usually just below a 5.

"The American people have spoken, and I won," gloated the president Nov. 3. "I showed you who's boss. We told the rest of the world we don't care if they don't like us. But we'll show them—we'll show them all. We'll make them like us. We're big enough, we're strong enough, and Jesus speaks to me nightly."

The president also reached out to Kerry supporters, attempting to rally them to his second term agenda.

"I know who you are. It's okay if you voted for the other guy. But this is your last warning—fall in line. I have the power of the United States at my beck and call now. I cannot, and will not, ever be stopped."

Hello commune. Boris is back and black, but not of the skin. This is mistake thinking because of Boris dirtiness. Is okay, happen all times that person think Boris black but not like in ACDC musics.

If reader remember from last column time, Boris is at airplane place port to save world from such bad pilots. Is Boris job to keep persons off plane who doesn't not know about flying so good. Thanks to super powers of Potato Boris, is now safe to sit in building and not look out for airplane coming so holy shits time to duck. Yay for safe!

After long searching in sky, Boris finally does find airport hiding on ground. So clever this place. Then Boris does take time to learn way around new crime-fighting office. Is important to know where is Cinnabon and where bathroom for taking grumpy. Hard part is that all good places for snack are in terminal part of air place port, not ticket room or baggage garage where Boris is locked. To get into terminal thing Boris must past test of security, where there is hard question riddles and magic machine to scan skeleton thing. Boris try this challenge few times and oh no, is not so good. Boris is stump with riddles and man says for Boris to get ticket to go on rides. But ticket person does not want special "Boris Owes You" money (BOY) and Boris does not have fast car to get free ticket from police. This is hard part of superhero life.

After few days Boris decide is time to tell truth, that is important business for Boris to get terminal to save plane persons and building persons from not-good pilots who is fooled to think is good pilots, so Boris must use superpowers of Potato Beetle to stop these things and make persons safe for them to love Boris.This is good idea from Boris brain, because Boris story so confusing man lets to go through as long as Boris does promise not to come back. Yay for confusing Boris story!

Terminal is like magic hallway place with persons carrying baggage things like giant ants and are stores in case person changes mind about flying and does want to shop instead. So nice. But Boris cannot enjoy wonderful things, is on serious important mission to stop crime.

Good thing Boris does not waste time in beautiful magnet store, because right away Boris does see pilot so clumsy to drop hat when running to catch plane. This person no good to fly plane! Him is too clumsy like Boris for safe landings. Boris drive car one time and is no good at landing part, smashing up animal store and all animals do get out and have party. Oh no, this is so bad to have happen with big plane, could let out too many animals and whole city is crazy animal party. So Boris cannot let clumsy pilot crash plane because him is so busy looking for pretzel dropped on floor while flying. To prevent? This is job for Potato-Boris!

Potato-Boris does jump into fast action to tackle clumsy pilot person with running jump thing. This is so good, watching persons does yell oh shit. Boris stands up to say you are welcome for being safe to all airport persons, but before Boris can soak up appreciation, there is bad pilot's security guard friend there to have superfight. Too bad for him not to know of Potato-Boris powers.

Guard person does challenge Boris, and him has stick thing for hurting Boris, so is time for using superpower of dropping pants. Is not power for childrens to see, but is necessary sometime for stopping bad crimes.

Hold on, stop this thing. Boris must take a grumpy. Be back in five of the minutes.

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