NASA Drops Vintage Gaming Console in Desert

eeks nationwide made an embarrassing collective sound last Wednesday as they recoiled in terror at the news that NASA’s experimental Sega Genesis gaming console, the first home video game system to be shot into space, had crash landed in the Utah desert after the 16-bit console’s parachutes failed to open upon re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere.

“This is a fucking disaster!� recoiled 28-year-old vintage gaming dweeb Chance Lambeau, wearing an Alex Kidd in Miracle World tee shirt he had silk-screened at great personal expense. “Finally, the world was going to get to see what the Genesis was really capable off, from its innovative System 16 processor to its wide library of classic games, but NASA had to screw the pooch and slam dunk the thing in the Alkali Salt Flats. Jeez. Game over, man.�

The Genesis has long held a special place in the hearts of video game geeks, ever since debuting in 1989 as the US’s first 16-bit gaming console for the home market. Offering a huge step up in performance from the popular 8-bit consoles of the day, including the much-loved Nintendo Entertainment System and the much settled-for Sega Master System, the Genesis opened up a new world of arcade-like gaming for spoiled white kids everywhere. And it came with Altered Beast.

NASA first conceived of sending a Genesis into space in 2000, with the stated goal of “doing some science stuff� and finding out if Sonic the Hedgehog would play faster in zero gravity. Though the sheer number of vintage gaming geeks employed by NASA made this explanation plausible to most, many believed the Genesis was simply the most advanced piece of equipment that NASA could afford due to severe budgetary cutbacks. According to unconfirmed sources, NASA picked up the Genesis console at a Cape Canaveral-area flea market for $10.

While NASA scientists insist that the Genesis mission was primarily about using the console’s unique chip architecture to collect solar dust or something, critics have called the mission an expensive excuse for NASA engineers to reminisce about their childhood console-gaming days, and to beat their old high score on Revenge of Shinobi in the name of science. Several have also pointed to NASA’s choice of the Dugway Proving Grounds in Utah for the Genesis re-entry, a location close to the hearts of retro gaming geeks ever since it inspired the early video game classic Dig-Dug.

Regardless of the mission’s true intent, NASA’s plan to catch the re-entering console using helicopters flown by Hollywood stunt pilots drew widespread skepticism even before the Genesis went down like a Walkman into the toilet.

“What were they thinking?� sneered console gaming guru Ben “Game Genie� Wilmington. “They were going to cherry-pick that thing out of the sky with helicopters while it screamed toward the earth and unbelievable speeds? That’s stupid, even for NASA. Those guys have been playing way too much Choplifter.�

Others have reacted with surprise to photos of the crash site and the Genesis’ impact crater in Utah’s salt flats, claiming that the Genesis pictured appears much larger than a standard model, and may have been warped by the effects of space travel. NASA scientists insist that a regular Genesis console was used, and claim to have the original warranty card in a box somewhere to prove it. Physicist Cole Janson also pointed out that outdated technology always seems smaller in memory, reminding readers that early VCRs were roughly the size of today’s microwave ovens.

NASA is still debating what to do with the broken console. The original scenario called for the Genesis to be transported back to NASA headquarters under armed guard immediately following touchdown, just in time for a heated tournament of NHL Hockey ‘94 that NASA scientists had been anticipating for months.

“We were really looking forward to having the Genesis back,� admitted a crestfallen Roger Neumann, Genesis project manager. “Now I don’t know what we’re going to do. Sweeney thinks we should sell what’s left for spare parts on eBay and pick up a Playstation instead, but most everybody here was pretty attached to the games we already had. Here at NASA, we’re not all about technology for technology’s sake, you know. Flashy graphics can only count for so much. We’ll figure out something though, we’re NASA. Maybe a quick trip to the moon would help lift everyone’s spirits. Couldn’t hurt.�

ne of baseball’s most time-honored traditions came under fire this week after numerous fans were injured during the Oakland Athletics’ yearly “Every Fan Gets a Chair Day� promotion. This year’s incarnation ended in a tragic photo-op when Tuesday’s game with the Texas Rangers came to a stop after Texas reliever Frank Francisco hand-delivered one fan her chair at a high rate of speed, both breaking her nose and possibly damaging the highly-collectable folding chair.

This latest bloody melee to rock the Oakland Coliseum has caused some to question the wisdom of giving drunken fans and emotionally unstable ballplayers metal folding chairs in the first place, a conclusion that Oakland fan Steve Teehan feels is misguided.

“Don’t jump the gun and assume that Chair Day is a bad thing just because a bunch of people get the shit beaten out of them with chairs every year,� explained Teehan, bleeding profusely from a chair-shaped gash in his forehead. “This is tradition, and families love it. I still remember the first time my dad took me to a Chair Day game, and he got arrested for braining the pretzel vendor over an exact-change dispute. We don’t want to rob our kids of these memories just because the riot police are too lazy to do their job.�

“I have a chair from every season since the A’s moved from Philly,� bragged local packrat Lester Chumrow, who is constantly being bombarded with chair-borrowing requests every time someone he knows throws a wedding or opens an AA chapter.

“Hey, don’t sit on that!� Chumrow repeated, a variation on his near-constant mantra.

Though fans are nearly unanimous in their support for the popular promotion, some in the Oakland organization have tired of the yearly spectacle.

“You give these assholes free chairs and then nobody wants to sit in their assigned seat,� complained beer vendor Hershel Lucas, bitching profusely from the mouth. “Everybody’s got some bright idea about how they’re gonna sit in their new folding chair and block the whole aisle, or some princess wants to put his feet up. Then you get the wiseasses who stack their folding chair on top of their regular seat to get a better view, and inevitably the guy sitting behind him has to push the whole mess over the railing just to see some close play at the plate.�

In the aftermath of Tuesday’s melee, which included the first reversal of the usual fan-to-field flow of thrown chairs in recent memory, officials for both teams have sounded off on whether blame for the incident should lie with Oakland fans or the Texas pitcher Francisco.

“Actually, Athletics fans are really polite,� insisted A’s vice president of stadium operations Dave Rinetti, while ducking under a chair flung from the upper deck. After a shouted “Sorry!� echoed down from the nosebleed seats, Rinetti waved a dismissal “It’s cool� in response, smiling meekly. “You should try coming here during a Raiders game. Those animals will throw you at the chairs.�

While the Rangers have claimed that Francisco had little choice but to defend his honor from vicious Oakland hecklers when he let the chair fly, some have questioned what exactly was said to the Dominican-born pitcher, and whether it was even said by either the fan whose cranium first deflected the chair or the woman who ended up with the WWF-style rhinoplasty.

“All I heard was her yelling some shit about how Francisco had mountain goat balls,� testified Oakland fan Teresa Marks, who was seated nearby. “I don’t even know what that means, but maybe he’s sensitive about his balls or something.�

“Nah, man, I heard she said his mama was Eric Chavez’s bitch,� contradicted fellow fan Sam Wilkinson, heaving a promotional chair at a security guard. “That’s cold. I’ve definitely thrown chairs for less than that.�

Francisco, who was somehow singled out for arrest during the stadium-wide chair throwing melee, claims he yelled a fair warning of “Duck, bitch!� before hurling the chair. Rangers officials expect video footage of the incident to prove Francisco’s alibi once the case goes to trial.

Dear commune:

I read a preview copy of Kitty Kelley’s upcoming biography of Red Bagel, which I regularly do in the course of my job—read other people’s mail. I couldn’t believe some of the stories she tells. It’s a disgrace. However, I’m not naïve enough to believe she made up everything. The best biographies are 75% truth and 25% embellishment. Or something like that—for a more exact formula, I’d need my slide rule, and they don’t let me have one while I’m working since I’m not supposed to be doing math.
So is it true or what? Or how much of it is true? Because this is some seriously wicked shit to be true.

Jimmy Connors
Trumpet, New Mexico


Dear Jimmy:

Ah, Jimmy. It’s not often we get a chance to defend ourselves from outside allegations, since fearless leader Red Bagel won’t allow us to respond to questions until they’re asked. But he’s been dying to set the record straight ever since that biography-writing harlot (not in a bad way) started digging her rhinoplastied nose into his past. So let’s do that now.

The stories about drug experimentation are partially true, but misrepresented. All of Red Bagel’s forays into drugs were just searches for cures to his uncontrollable temper. No one here has actually seen Red transform into the giant blue beast, and we’re praying to God we never will. You can hardly blame him for messing around with psychedelic drugs and stool softeners in that case.

All this stuff about him knocking Newt Gingrich off a balcony in Venice is pure baloney. It’s funny how stories get all tangled up and the details are fouled up. The real story: Red was having sex with Ann Coulter and punched her in the back of her head while she was telling him a story about Newt Gingrich falling off a balcony in Venice. And the punch was only part of their foreplay.

The thing about Donahue was true, and nobody need apologize to anyone. They’re still close friends, and exchange baking tips over the phone once in a while.
Red Bagel did not vote for Reagan in the 1984 election. This kind of character-assassination is depraved and will not be tolerated. Red voted for Jimmy Carter four times in 1980, breaking his previous voting record of six times for George McGovern. In 1984, Red was distressed about the choice of Walter Mondale as the Democratic candidate, so he declined to vote. But he did burn his draft card in protest of the Vietnam war. It had been over for years, but still a worthy cause.

We hope this makes sense. Or if that’s asking too much, we hope you at least quit reading sleazy biographies. But we hear that one on Bush Jr. is going to be a real pot-boiler. We’re getting ours soon.

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for the rising gas prices. It can probably be attributed to the flaming reserves of oil in Iraq. If you want to know who started those fires, feel free to ask around, but unless you want a long diatribe, don’t ask Billy Joel.

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