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August 9, 2004   
Death never smelled so good
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Texas Sex-Ed Textbooks Remove All Mention of Sex

August 9, 2004
Dallas, Texas
Junior Bacon
Texas schoolchildren, thirsty for knowledge on how to bone
E
ducators nationwide were dismayed by the Texas Board of Education’s decision this week to approve four new sexual education textbooks for use in the state’s schools, none of which mention sex, reproduction, or the human body in any way.

“Sex education should be about educating kids to never have sex, as the Lord intended,” explained Carl Lowell, a spokesperson for the board. “It shouldn’t be about giving them pointers on how to break the baby Jesus’ heart.”

Texans everywhere appeared to be eerily on the same page when it came to the topic of the board’s decision, leaving the impression that the entire state may only have one brain, buried deep underground in a Mason jar somewhere for safekeeping.

“It’s simple. If you donâ...Read more...

Hemp Party Convention Boosts CandidatesAugust 9, 2004
Athens, GA
UNKNOWN
We asked for a convention shot of candidates Joey "Rooster" Jackson and Dave, since we spaced and forgot to bring the camera, but they sent us this jpeg of The Bugaloos instead, thinking it's much funnier.
A
week following the Democratic National Convention, and nearly a month after Milwaukee's Green Party Convention, a lesser known third party held their national convention in Athens, Georgia. The Hemp Party, formed in 2002, officially announced their candidates for the 2004 presidency.

It's their first presidential election, but in the air was a sense of excitement, and a familiar odor the commune couldn't quite place. One after another, speakers rose to express their vision of one unified party, to lay out the platform, and to define their four years in control of the White House, all in the convention site of the Athens Holiday Inn off Highway 31.

"We're going to win this, 'cause, I really think we got a chance," declared Hemp Party Consultant Daniel Vincent. "...Read more...

Sudan peace plan calls for Led Zeppelin song about Darfur
Library fiction section now officially forbids masturbation
Doom 3 just Doom 2 done faster, with better graphics
Economy shows improvement, for millionaires



August 9, 2004
Click for Biography

Camembert in Love

Things could not be worse, even if I had a head made of cheese in the middle of Amsterdam. Or a head made of pot, if you believe those rumors about our European neighbors. Camembert has fallen in love, making him even more intolerable than usual.

Wait, for as they say, it gets worse. You remember my friend Girl Elvis, who set me up with prescription drugs not long ago, and whose real name escapes my memory? Yes, she's the culprit. Damn her and her sexy manly-yet-feminine sneer, and jaw-dropping rendition of "Suspicious Minds."

As good as her word, she dropped by our Flatbush residence a mere three weeks ago in search of a place to lay her head, expecting I would simply open up my doors because I had made such a promise two weeks before. Audacity aside, I decided...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“What joyous spring, what sylvan glade, alive with growth and life anew, springing forth in buds of nature's splendor, what miracle of- what, it's snowing? Again? FUUUUUCK. I'll be at the pub.”

-Roderick Youngfellow
Fortune 500 Cookie
You are so ugly, the mere sight of you makes small children give up on life. No twist to that, it just needed to be said. Instead of Band-Aids this week, use bacon. Everybody loves bacon. The only cure for breath like yours is the Hemmingway solution. This week's lucky haiku: Luke Luck licks dykes, Luke's dick sticks Mikes, Mike's wife knifes like OJ.


Try again later.
Top Positive Changes Inspired by Va. Tech Massacre
1.Public now rightfully suspicious of South Koreans
2.Bush to up military spending to ensure troops aren't outgunned by Iraqi college students
3.Handguns: two for the price of one, Big Dill's Gun Barn, Williamsburg, VA
4.Congress to pass ban on recreational bazookas
5.Grand Theft Auto: Va. Tech to carry "It's just a game" disclaimer
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Amish Threaten to Vote Republican

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BY red bagel
8/9/2004
A Fistful of Tannenbaum Chapter 6: Wheel of Shame
Editor's Note: Just before now, Jed Foster and Middleschmertz Reilly are beared down upon by Surprise Truck. That's all you need.

"I'll be a son of a bitch!" exclaimed Jed Foster, proposing what many others had already suggested. "Paulette Standiford!"

Yes, Paulette Standiford—the brilliant and beautiful conspiracy-cracker formerly of the government agency N.O.R.T.O.N., but now putting her talents to the aid of Anti-N.O.R.T.O.N. underground operatives; Paulette Standiford, who had partnered with Jed Foster on a multitude of adventures in prequel stories yet to be written, or even thought of; Paulette Standiford, whose name had been rewritten from Studebaker since the last chapter.

"I'll be a monkey's uncle," said Reilly, and he actually...Read more...