hiteywood producers took a bold step in reality programming last Friday when they revealed, as part of the ABC fall schedule, one of their so-called "reality" series would be entirely asshole-free, cast only with likable personalities so unpopular in usual reality programming.

No Simon Cowels, no Donald Trumps, not even a Richard Hatch in sight, according to co-producer Bobbacrane Wilson. It's part of a risky plan to boost sagging reality ratings for those shows which haven't caught on with the public yet; while series like The Apprentice have made major waves, and American Idol holds strong, other reality series like The Restaurant have proven that reality series don't always strike gold every time out. The new "assholeless" series in development will give people bored with regular reality shows a chance to see something different.

"It's not a brand new idea," admitted co-producer of the show Harry Spalding. "Frankly, Hollywood has been trying to create a reality series without assholes since their initial burst in popularity in the early '90s, such as COPS. But once The Real World hit big, people gave up. It became apparent, at least for the time, America would much rather tune in each week and marvel at real assholes."

His partner Wilson agreed: "The big problem in creating a prick-free reality show is nobody could ever seem to do it. It became Hollywood's Gregorian knot. People tried to do reality shows based on churches and found them full of judgmental fire-and-brimstone knobs who wouldn't stop preaching. A reality show about school teachers reminded viewers of why they were in such a hurry to graduate. Someone even did a pilot about people who worked for the Salvation Army—you'd never believe what self-righteous dicks are running that place. It's enough to turn someone Republican."

Many attempts at doing reality shows in small towns, according to Wilson, failed to leave any positive impressions when every good-natured resident was outnumbered by trash-talking rednecks and closet KKK members. But this time, Spalding suggests, by returning to reality programming roots, their show has succeeded in its intent.

The show, Okay House, features six roommates, four of them from Sweden, who live together in a room paid for by the network and forced to resolve their conflicts in a polite, friendly fashion. A bonus incentive of $25,000 to whoever can keep from saying something unkind about other housemates has raised the likelihood of getting a show without jackasses.

An early version of the pilot was available for press review. In the series, the six roommates—Sven, Yorgi, Karl, Jake, Albert, and Bjorn—get into an amicable disagreement over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, as well as a polite war of words over what they can watch on TV. Of the cast, Karl, Sven, and Bjorn are non-English-speaking employees of an electrical cooperative in Sweden who were brought over by the network, Yorgi an Americanized Swedish citizen who was friends with the three in his home country, Jake is a Bible camp youth counselor from Ferngate, North Carolina, and Albert an 85-year-old man who seldom speaks.

While the producers and network claim to have high expectations for "the world's nicest reality show," critics have been less kind. Matt Roush of TV Guide called it "Paint Drying: The Series" and The New York Times predicted it would be the quickest cancellation in TV history.

According to CNN's Jeff Hinkley: "If I hear one more Swedish accent saying, 'I guess we'll agree to disagree,' I'm going to blow a hole through my TV."

fter being left in the dust by 200 years of Western technological and economic development, China shocked the world this week by announcing a plan to shun all non-Chinese technology in the future, spurning Western gadgetry and culture in favor of whatever the hell they can cobble together on their own.

Once the undisputed technological king of the world, China had a rough go at the 20th century, falling behind Western nations and neighboring Japan. Some trace this development back to China failing to make the transition from chopsticks to forks and knives in the 19th century. China's current communist government sees technological isolationism as the nation's best hope at self-reliance, and for fending off exploitation by Western corporations hungry to sink their teeth into a largely untapped 1.3 billion-person market.

The plan is not without its critics, chief among them the 1.3 billion Chinese who cry out in pain at the thought of having to trade in their favorite roundeye technologies in favor of some kind of cheap, shitty Chinese knockoffs, a fear the government has written off as unfounded. Western critics of the plan, however, question if China's state of technological development, which most consider to be "equivalent to the rest of the world, in 1982," is ready for such a huge step.

One of the first tests of Chinese readiness to cope with technological isolation will be this year's release of the ToyThing gaming console, designed to replace the popular Japanese PlayStation and American X-Box in Chinese video-gaming homes this fall. Some Chinese gamers are unnerved by the first batch of titles announced for the ToyThing console, which include Pac-Person, Jouster, Run You Frog!, and Barrel-Throwing Construction Ape. The Chinese government has reassured gamers that the ToyThing will be just as good as the gaming consoles they've grown used to, and will come with an equivalent to the popular Grand Theft Auto title in a new Chinese-made game called Polish Position.

China's government has its highest hopes set on the new Chinese DVD equivalent, the EVD (Extra Very-Good Disc) player. Unsubstantiated government claims that the EVD is "like a DVD with super-powers" have yet to impress either Western critics or Chinese consumers, who doubt such a device actually exists and question the wisdom of naming China's new tech products in broken English.

Others wonder how the new video discs will fare without support from the Hollywood movie studios, a complication the Chinese government has actually been looking forward to.

"The time is come for Chinese to develop our own entertainments what is just as good as American," explained Ministry of Science and Technology Dr. Li Wenlei. "Already, Chinese is looking forward to great American-like film such as Little Deer Whose Mother is Dead, Kung-Fu Inside Computer and Look At Alien Flying Bike!"

Also drawing criticism is China's plan to forego the Wi-Fi wireless networking standard for a Chinese format known as WAPI (Wonderful Asian People Inside). WAPI won out over the competing WIMPI and OOPSI standards because the later two didn't work with the government's planned "WAPI to see you!" ad campaign for mobile video conferencing.

Many Chinese citizens expect these latest developments to be only the first step in a larger campaign of cultural isolation, a fear substantiated by recent government campaigns to encourage children to spurn Mickey Mouse for the Chokey Bear cartoon, and promotions for upcoming Chinese sitcoms such as Acquaintances and Bald Radio Psychiatrist Show.

One part of China's plan that has drawn little to no criticism in China or abroad is the government's decision to base all Chinese computers on a special Chinese offshoot of the Linux operating system, rather than the expensive and ridiculously security-challenged Microsoft Windows platform. Though some rumors have China abandoning the Internet entirely in favor of ham radios as a part of this scheme, most consider the package deal to be an overall upgrade for the lucky Chinese.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll start this story off by saying I don't know how I got to Las Vegas. These things just happen, and you either roll with the punches or you pull on a t-shirt that says "BIG, WHINY BITCH" and play the part. Since I was already wearing a pretty stellar Midnight Run tee, I decided to do Vegas like I'd gone there on purpose.

First thing's first, I've got to say the 9/11 tribute at New York, New York that you've been hearing about is a definite can't-miss. Every night at 9:11pm they fly a remote-control plane into the "twin towers" wing of the hotel and set off a shitload of fireworks and explosives, and Omar Bricks isn't ashamed to admit he got a little choked up standing on the sidewalk with all the other Vegas losers, clapping and cheering as the hydraulic towers went down and they shot some spare change and clothing fragments into the crowd and some of those Cirque du Soleil freaks did backflips off the roof. Leave it to Vegas to remind us what it's all about.

As far as the other casinos go, I still say the Mirage hasn't been the same since Roy had his nuts bit off by that tiger. Now they're advertising "Sigfried & Roy's Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat," which sounds like about as much wild fun as a hysterectomy. I do understand the pussy move to less-threatening stage animals, but I don't think it's working out too hot since when I wandered into the show, one of the dolphins had just pulled Roy into the tank and was thrashing the shit out of him while Sigfried half-heartedly slapped at the beast with an oar. Funny shit, but probably not what Roy'd had in mind when they cracked open the full-body cast before the show.

I hear they're thinking of trying out ground sloths next, since that's one of the only animals Roy isn't afraid of now, but I'll bet you ten bucks one of those things finds its way into their hotel suite in the middle of the night and beats the shit out of Roy in slow-motion while he's sleeping. I tried to get the Mirage to give me odds on that, but they're not taking any more Roy-abuse action until he gets out of the hospital, out of respect and all that noise. But I'm thinking the Luxor might take my bet, those Egyptian hardasses have held a grudge against the Mirage ever since the Luxor-Mirage employee rumble back in 1998. I think they're understandably upset since the gaming commission ruled that they couldn't keep the Mirage employees as slaves after winning the rumble.

Speaking of the Luxor, I spent the better part of one night trying to sneak into the hotel pyramid's elevator, since I heard the crazy fuckin' thing goes sideways, down into the center of the earth. You know Omar Bricks had to see how that shit goes down. Too bad for the lame-ass truth: Turns out they guard that thing like the Pentagon men's room, you can't even get in without a room key or a much better grasp of the Vulcan neck pinch than I can take credit for. I won't lie and say it's the first pyramid Omar Bricks has been thrown out of, but at least in this one they let me out on the ground floor.

I've always thought that Vegas is basically large-scale mini-golf with beer, though they'll usually kick you off of the mini-golf course for bringing in hookers. Advantage: Vegas, there. This time I decided to test my theory and golf the strip, like in that video with the guy who sings like Elmer Fudd. You kind of have to make up your own par, since it's not posted, or if it is, the sign's been plastered over with titty posters and plans to build a new casino on the sidewalk in front of some existing casino. That's the downside of a town with no rules: the course etiquette blows.

Now nobody would claim Omar Bricks is a world-class golfer, maybe the class of the commune offices, but that's like winning a beauty pageant in a burn ward. Mainly I just swing hard and wait to laugh, if you hit the ball hard enough, something funny is almost guaranteed to happen. Especially if you're blindfolded, sounds are even funnier when you have to imagine who's making them. So I don't know where this cop got off suggesting that I was the one who hit a golf ball into the penthouse at Caesar's Palace. If I had that kind of aim, I'd be shanking that shit on ESPN. Not to mention having Nike paying the big bucks to put their logo on every piece of clothing I'm wearing and shaving it into my hair, like Tiger Woods. I don't know how golfers get away with that shit; if porn stars had those kind of commercial cajones they'd have condom brand logos tattooed on their balls.

Long story short, I had just hit a nine iron up the Eiffel Tower at the Paris when a cop asked me if I had a permit to hit golf balls into a crowded hotel. The dude scared the shit out of me since I'd just been ignoring him standing there; I thought he wanted an autograph or advice on grips. I showed him my ski pass from Vail Mountain, which usually gets the job done since most people don't like to read. But this guy was some kind of bookworm freak and he figured out the pass didn't say anything about playing the Bellagio fountain as a water hazard, so I spent the rest of the day ducking the cops and hitting the casinos in an oversized Ronald Reagan mask.

If you do go to Vegas some time soon I'd recommend checking out the Treasure Island boat show, if you can throw a baseball hard enough you can spend your Saturday night being chased by guys dressed up as pirates, which is good for at least a few months of local fame. A word to the wise though: those phony fucks don't hold themselves to any kind of real pirates' code when it comes to street fighting, and they're not above calling in some hard-hitting showgirls when the going gets rough. Bricks out.

º Last Column: My Friend Polo
º more columns