Americans Submit to Oil Company Rule

rom coast to coast, American drivers are facing the soaring cost of gasoline in the midst of economic hardship. The highest pump price was $2.54 a gallon last week in San Diego, and many are worried the costs will continue to rise as OPEC announced recently it would cut back, not increase, oil production. Unhappily, most Americans shrugged and bowed to corporate bidding in response.

"It's the inevitability of a corporate oligarchy," said Trenton, New Jersey resident Manuel Torres, while filling his Vista Cruiser. "What can you do?"

Indeed the general consensus by the public matches Torres' intention to bend over and suffer through the economic buggering. Americans are filling up their cars no less, demanding no new changes in import laws or fuel regulations, and are still buying gas-sucking SUVs in ridiculous numbers. Media watchers, lurking in the bushes, speculate it might not stem from a lack of information on the issues so much as a total demolition of the will to resist, and the death of democracy.

"Nobody wants to pay so much for gas, but it doesn't seem like you got any choice," summed up Marilyn Hoscomb of Richmond, Virginia, at a Shell station where the prices had reached $1.84. "We've squandered our freedom voting for parties who have crippled unions and segregated the public on meaningless issues of morality. Now that our spineless leaders are firmly in the pocket of gargantuan energy firms, even mobilizing voter turnout, an impossible feat, would do little to help us. I suppose I'll just fill up during the week and not go driving as much on the weekends."

The issue has stimulated some political discussion, with Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry promising to put the pressure on oil-producing countries to give us more gas. "That ought to solve the problem forever," said Kerry, clapping his hands together and crossing his arms. Bush countered by accusing Kerry of wanting to raise taxes on gas, something Republicans have never done before, and offering no insight on how to stem the problem, but the mere fact he mentioned the problem ought to make us normal citizens feel privileged.

Custard Patch, Wyoming's Jed McGernihey found the higher gas prices affecting his livelihood, as the cost to refuel his gypsy U-Haul continues to skyrocket. "I used to be able to cover my expenses, but gas costs so much I might have to find me a new line of work. I don't know why the government ain't doing nothing about it—unless the very same people we put into office are nothing but cheap puppets of the energy industry, companies like Enron and Halliburton, corrupt and bloated with profits and high-paid CEOs. Companies that safeguard their interests by pocketing political figures to turn a blind eye to their number-fixing, book-altering, and price inflating, which says nothing of their hazardous safety records and environmental pollution—but all of whom remain free from the punishment of the law because they own the lawmakers, and only have to answer to the deceived stockholders to stay afloat. Of course, that's just a guess."

Professor Lawrence Dill Vanderhouten of Harvard's Political Science Department, addressed the gas pricing issue for the commune.

"Shit, I got me no clue," said Professor Vanderhouten. "I'm gonna wait till it drops down again and then buy a thousand dollars worth of gas. I'll freeze it and sell it when the price goes up again. Make a killing and get out of this shit job."

ednesday's attacks in the Iraqi city of Fallujah, in which four former US soldiers were killed in a terrorist ambush before their bodies were dismembered, dragged behind cars and hung from a bridge by an angry mob, created a conundrum for television networks faced with the tough moral question of how to best profit from these shocking images.

"If we show them, we make a shitload of money," explained ABC News spokesperson Al Reuben. "If we don't show them, maybe we can claim the moral high ground and make a shitload of money down the line. It's a tough call."

Least troubled by the moral quandary was Fox News, whose plans to strap a helmet-cam to one of the dead bodies were scrapped when the angry mob grew impatient waiting for technicians to get a reading on the gray levels.

"Americans have a right to see this footage," opined Fox News Executive Producer Leonard Williams. "And we have the right to boost our ratings through the fuckin' roof by being the first to show the really awful parts that make you want to throw up. If anybody out there was blindly discharging a firearm into their Arab neighbor's house yesterday, you know they were watching hard-hitting Fox News."

Other networks took the debate more seriously, holding off on showing the footage through the morning, and then gradually releasing more and more of the horrible images throughout the day as it became apparent that Internet sites were kicking their ratings in the balls by showing the Fallujah footage uncut. By Wednesday evening the gloves were off and charred bodies were seen dangling from the Euphrates River bridge on most major networks.

"We really didn't want to show the footage of those kids beating the guy's flaming corpse with their shoes," explained CBS Evening News spokesperson Clint Adams. "But then we realized, 'Jesus Christ, we're losing money here!' I feel truly bad for the families of these men, and any children who may have been forever scarred by these images, but come on. You know how much money we made off that Somalia footage? Shit."

While the long-term impact of these images is yet to be seen, experts speculate that the American people being reminded that "Oh yeah, war is really ugly and horrible and stuff" can only harm the president's chances for reelection in November, not to mention driving the final nail into the coffin of Iraqi tourism.

"We owe it to future history to inform the American people of what's really going on over there," offered Marcus Graves of ABC News. "Maybe because of this footage being in the collective memory, next time we'll think twice about going to war again."

When asked by the commune news if he was shitting us, Graves admitted that yeah, he kind of was, but it sounds a lot better than saying you make your living selling people grisly video death. No argument here.

I just returned from that commune retreat thing, where I had a lot of fun. I know everybody else got back about three weeks ago, but like I said, I was having fun. As far as I'm concerned, I decide when the retreat is over. It's not very cool to invite me to a relaxing retreat and then decide I'm relaxed before I decided.

But it worked out pretty sweet. I had a lot of fun, set fire to a few things, got into a few scrapes with wild animals, all the things a good vacation should be. I had a chance to do some real soul-searching, and scored a few wallets, too. It's not very Bricksian, I know, but I had to ask myself where my life was going. No car, no love in my life, working for the commune—some people might consider those things setbacks. All in all, I'm happy, don't get me wrong, but since I don't have a family, I thought maybe it was time I did something to gain me some immortality points.

Now, I know a lot of people can do different things for immortality—paint pictures, donate money to hospitals for a building in their name, or spray paint your name on a wall. But I wanted to do something with children, since the courts are always telling me I've got a lot in common with them. Kids are cool, unless they're complete shits, but you have to make that distinction on a kid-by-kid basis. So I wanted to give back to them. Help shape the future by doing something today. Or not today, you know, but in the next couple of years or whatever. Introducing (drum roll) Camp Bricks!

You heard right, boys. Camp Bricks. I got the idea while we were on that retreat, how it was almost like a really boring touchy-feely camp for adults. But being close to the woods brought out the real Omar, and I thought if I could do that for kids, that shit would kick.

Well, I suppose I also got the idea partly from Meatballs, 1 and 2. 2 was pretty crappy, but it wasn't too bad. 3 was awful, so I wouldn't want my camp to be like it at all. Mainly I just figure kids need a place where they could come and get into races and all sorts of athletic competitions against rich kids and find a way to win using their own weirdness to their advantage. And they can talk about jacking off and swim across the lake to hang out with girls and stuff. I wish I had the chance to do some of that stuff when I was a kid. I could swim across the Hudson River if I wanted, but that's got a pretty strong current. And there were plenty of girls on this side of the River to hang out with, so it seemed pretty pointless.

Kids need a way to build up their self-esteem. If you watch shows about kids these days they're all idiots. They dress like they get prizes for conforming and they worry about getting into college when they're 9. That's bullshit. I say if you're not on a first-name basis with a court's juvenile case worker, you're not getting the full childhood experience. They need a role model, and I don't see why it can't be me. Anything's got to be better than those Malcolm in the Middle posers.

I should say that I won't be messing around with teen-age girls. Anymore. Fool me once, shame on me, all that, and the cops are watching me pretty closely about it all. But I figure I can take care of the boys, there's got to be someone cool enough to handle the girls out there. Not that I'm against dressing up and pretending to be a counselor named Edwina. If nothing else, it would make a really good chapter of my autobiography, and they could make it into a movie called Big Sister, but right now I'm strictly looking for the genuine female variety of counselor. Let me know if someone cool comes to mind.

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