Americans Submit to Oil Company Rule

rom coast to coast, American drivers are facing the soaring cost of gasoline in the midst of economic hardship. The highest pump price was $2.54 a gallon last week in San Diego, and many are worried the costs will continue to rise as OPEC announced recently it would cut back, not increase, oil production. Unhappily, most Americans shrugged and bowed to corporate bidding in response.

"It's the inevitability of a corporate oligarchy," said Trenton, New Jersey resident Manuel Torres, while filling his Vista Cruiser. "What can you do?"

Indeed the general consensus by the public matches Torres' intention to bend over and suffer through the economic buggering. Americans are filling up their cars no less, demanding no new changes in import laws or fuel regulations, and are still buying gas-sucking SUVs in ridiculous numbers. Media watchers, lurking in the bushes, speculate it might not stem from a lack of information on the issues so much as a total demolition of the will to resist, and the death of democracy.

"Nobody wants to pay so much for gas, but it doesn't seem like you got any choice," summed up Marilyn Hoscomb of Richmond, Virginia, at a Shell station where the prices had reached $1.84. "We've squandered our freedom voting for parties who have crippled unions and segregated the public on meaningless issues of morality. Now that our spineless leaders are firmly in the pocket of gargantuan energy firms, even mobilizing voter turnout, an impossible feat, would do little to help us. I suppose I'll just fill up during the week and not go driving as much on the weekends."

The issue has stimulated some political discussion, with Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry promising to put the pressure on oil-producing countries to give us more gas. "That ought to solve the problem forever," said Kerry, clapping his hands together and crossing his arms. Bush countered by accusing Kerry of wanting to raise taxes on gas, something Republicans have never done before, and offering no insight on how to stem the problem, but the mere fact he mentioned the problem ought to make us normal citizens feel privileged.

Custard Patch, Wyoming's Jed McGernihey found the higher gas prices affecting his livelihood, as the cost to refuel his gypsy U-Haul continues to skyrocket. "I used to be able to cover my expenses, but gas costs so much I might have to find me a new line of work. I don't know why the government ain't doing nothing about it—unless the very same people we put into office are nothing but cheap puppets of the energy industry, companies like Enron and Halliburton, corrupt and bloated with profits and high-paid CEOs. Companies that safeguard their interests by pocketing political figures to turn a blind eye to their number-fixing, book-altering, and price inflating, which says nothing of their hazardous safety records and environmental pollution—but all of whom remain free from the punishment of the law because they own the lawmakers, and only have to answer to the deceived stockholders to stay afloat. Of course, that's just a guess."

Professor Lawrence Dill Vanderhouten of Harvard's Political Science Department, addressed the gas pricing issue for the commune.

"Shit, I got me no clue," said Professor Vanderhouten. "I'm gonna wait till it drops down again and then buy a thousand dollars worth of gas. I'll freeze it and sell it when the price goes up again. Make a killing and get out of this shit job."

ednesday's attacks in the Iraqi city of Fallujah, in which four former US soldiers were killed in a terrorist ambush before their bodies were dismembered, dragged behind cars and hung from a bridge by an angry mob, created a conundrum for television networks faced with the tough moral question of how to best profit from these shocking images.

"If we show them, we make a shitload of money," explained ABC News spokesperson Al Reuben. "If we don't show them, maybe we can claim the moral high ground and make a shitload of money down the line. It's a tough call."

Least troubled by the moral quandary was Fox News, whose plans to strap a helmet-cam to one of the dead bodies were scrapped when the angry mob grew impatient waiting for technicians to get a reading on the gray levels.

"Americans have a right to see this footage," opined Fox News Executive Producer Leonard Williams. "And we have the right to boost our ratings through the fuckin' roof by being the first to show the really awful parts that make you want to throw up. If anybody out there was blindly discharging a firearm into their Arab neighbor's house yesterday, you know they were watching hard-hitting Fox News."

Other networks took the debate more seriously, holding off on showing the footage through the morning, and then gradually releasing more and more of the horrible images throughout the day as it became apparent that Internet sites were kicking their ratings in the balls by showing the Fallujah footage uncut. By Wednesday evening the gloves were off and charred bodies were seen dangling from the Euphrates River bridge on most major networks.

"We really didn't want to show the footage of those kids beating the guy's flaming corpse with their shoes," explained CBS Evening News spokesperson Clint Adams. "But then we realized, 'Jesus Christ, we're losing money here!' I feel truly bad for the families of these men, and any children who may have been forever scarred by these images, but come on. You know how much money we made off that Somalia footage? Shit."

While the long-term impact of these images is yet to be seen, experts speculate that the American people being reminded that "Oh yeah, war is really ugly and horrible and stuff" can only harm the president's chances for reelection in November, not to mention driving the final nail into the coffin of Iraqi tourism.

"We owe it to future history to inform the American people of what's really going on over there," offered Marcus Graves of ABC News. "Maybe because of this footage being in the collective memory, next time we'll think twice about going to war again."

When asked by the commune news if he was shitting us, Graves admitted that yeah, he kind of was, but it sounds a lot better than saying you make your living selling people grisly video death. No argument here.

You know me, I don't like formalities. Let's get right to what's on my mind this minute.

Do you remember in grade school, those cafeteria lunches where they used to hand out a rectangle of pizza? I never got mine.

The best thing you can do in this world is to make your enemy a friend. If you can't do that, kill his pets while he sleeps. Hopefully he'll get the message.

I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night. Boy, that was a weird dream.

Why is that some remote controls you have to point right at the TV, and others you can point them anywhere and they work. I don't know the specifications of remote control airwaves ownership, but they should make all remote controls like that.

The world's greatest dancer is that Riverdance guy, no question. Kill him, who's left? Really?

You know, if I were to suddenly die tomorrow, I doubt any of my friends would be surprised.

If you got the chance to pick your own nickname, what would it be? Wait—don't jump the gun too soon. Remember, this will have to last you forever. Unless you change it.

I wonder why they didn't decide to call it Kraft Cheese & Macaroni. Seriously, this keeps me up at night. I'm not sleeping well.

I'm going to buy a houseboat. Then I'll get boat owner's insurance and homeowner's insurance. Then, God forbid, I get torpedoed by a lost German sub still fighting the war, I can get paid twice.

You know what I really like? Loose women.

If I could have any band write me a theme song and play it for me everywhere I go, I would choose the Ventures. You know, Hawaii 5-O. Who's better than that, you tell me?

They say loose lips sink ships, but poor hull maintenance does it just as well.

Technically, if you take some video of your nephew falling off a slide, aren't you an independent filmmaker? I believe so, but try telling that to those assholes at Sundance.

I wonder when we're going to get that technology that verifies your identity by lasering your retina, for security purposes. A lot of people have been making long-distance calls on my line lately.

I had lunch at Great Expectations the other day. It wasn't so good.

As an artist, would it personally offend you if your entire catalogue of albums was remastered? It either implies they weren't mastered correctly to begin with or they somehow got reckless over the years and needed to be reigned in. Could you go back and put a harmonica on every track, would that qualify as remastering? Or is that a remix?

Hoot. That's what my nickname would be.

Sometimes I think I'm still paying for the sins of man in the Garden. You know the Garden, that Chinese place on Fifteenth Street. I was smoking in the non-smoking section and got banned.

That's all for this presentation. I'm off to hunt cashews in the wild. I wish you the best of luck, as long as it's not mine.

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