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April 5, 2004   
Sancturary for a sick mind
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Americans Submit to Oil Company Rule

April 5, 2004
Flatbush, NJ
Whit Pistol
A defeated consumer suckles at the mother teat yet again. That's it… feed, you fools! Feed!
F
rom coast to coast, American drivers are facing the soaring cost of gasoline in the midst of economic hardship. The highest pump price was $2.54 a gallon last week in San Diego, and many are worried the costs will continue to rise as OPEC announced recently it would cut back, not increase, oil production. Unhappily, most Americans shrugged and bowed to corporate bidding in response.

"It's the inevitability of a corporate oligarchy," said Trenton, New Jersey resident Manuel Torres, while filling his Vista Cruiser. "What can you do?"

Indeed the general consensus by the public matches Torres' intention to bend over and suffer through the economic buggering. Americans are filling up their cars no less, demanding no new changes in import laws or fuel regulations, and...Read more...

Media Not Sure How to Profit from Gruesome Fallujah ImagesApril 5, 2004
New York City
AP
Fallujah Lite: The PG-13 version of Hell on Earth
W
ednesday's attacks in the Iraqi city of Fallujah, in which four former US soldiers were killed in a terrorist ambush before their bodies were dismembered, dragged behind cars and hung from a bridge by an angry mob, created a conundrum for television networks faced with the tough moral question of how to best profit from these shocking images.

"If we show them, we make a shitload of money," explained ABC News spokesperson Al Reuben. "If we don't show them, maybe we can claim the moral high ground and make a shitload of money down the line. It's a tough call."

Least troubled by the moral quandary was Fox News, whose plans to strap a helmet-cam to one of the dead bodies were scrapped when the angry mob grew impatient waiting for technicians to get a reading on the gr...Read more...

Full-frontal portrait of Egyptian pharaoh, lucky bastard found
Americans experience bizarre 'lost-time' phenomenon Saturday night
Country named Myanmar apparently not some kind of joke
Guy at next table eating salt right out of shaker



April 5, 2004
Click for Biography

More Fads: The 1980's

No decade since the 1950's has so boldly established itself as a fad juggernaut as did the 1980's. In comparison, the 1990's were a sad decade for fads indeed, making one wonder where the will for conspicuous time wasting had gone. Probably the best explanation can be found in looking at each decade's drug of choice, and the resultant effect this had on American culture.

In the 1960's, Americans were dropping acid and grooving to the beautiful swirling colors of the traffic accident they'd just caused. The fads of the 60's were accordingly colorful and bizarre. The 70's were all about stinking up your jeans jacket with reefer smoke in the back of some sociopath's panel van, leading to fads as ugly and alienating as the decade itself. In the 80's, the hip and squares alike were...Read more...

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Milestones
1954: November 11 is changed from Armistice Day to Veteran's Day to honor veterans of all wars, and mostly to prevent huge national embarrassment as Americans repeatedly fail to pronounce "armistice" correctly.
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Play Director. Experienced Broadway/Off-Broadway veteran sought to bring life to boring old commune Thanksgiving production without mentioning syphilis and genocide. A good show will guarantee you a spot directing our multi-denominational Hanukkah-Ramadan-Christmas Kwanzaganza.
Least-Popular Halloween Handouts
1.Jesus Tarts
2.Sock full of pennies
3.Shnuckers; like Snickers, but filled with delicious Shmucker's jam
4.Asked to open bag, close eyes; smart-ass farts into sack
5.Everlasting Never-Ending Irradiated Gobstopper
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Future Archaeologists Have No Clue About 9/11

View Past Columns
BY laurence trundle lawrence
4/5/2004
Hungry Like a Wolf
I'm hungry like a wolf
that just ate a whole
big-ass bag of Purina
but then he saw something
really funny and was
laughing so hard
he barfed it all up.

Dark in the city, night is a wire,
steam in the subway, earth is a fire.
Holy shit, how can I think about eating at a time like this?
But it doesn't matter, you can't
teach a wolf not to be so goddamned selfish.

A wolf is like a box of chocolates
all full of cherries and nougat
and crazy shit you don't know how it got in there.
A wolf can eat anything,
like a tin can or a soccer ball.
They're like goats except
they can eat goats too.
Goats can't eat other goats
because they're the same size
so...Read more...