ll over the United States the average viewer is being treated to the site of black people running through the streets, burning flags, and throwing shrapnel as well as shooting guns, in the midst of full-blown rebellion. Unfortunately, this isn't in America, it's in Haiti, and Americans everywhere nervously wonder: Who exactly is the bad guy and whose side am I supposed to be on?

It's a fair question, as the White House has yet to make an announcement on where they stand on the Haiti situation, pending a review of the situation by a panel heading south, which should have an answer this coming week. Of course, angry black people are something the Bush administration traditionally stands against, and this is no exception; but the real question for them is, can President Jean-Bertrand Aristide keep the population down and the bucks flowing to America for a few more terms? Or is it time to scrap him and install a new puppet government?

That's right, the p-word: Puppet. The unofficial word is a claymation Gumby would have more spine for standing up to the U.S. than Aristide. Now the U.S. seeks damage control as Aristide finds himself the victim of a coup yet again. The wonderful "liberal" administration of Bill Clinton helped put Aristide back in power after his earlier ousting in 1994, and he was certainly a good lapdog after that. Clinton defended the action as restoring the rightfully-elected Haitian president to power, but nobody in the country bothered asking how he was elected or by whom. In recent years Haitian voter turnout has peaked at about 5%—even for Americans, that's pretty low turnout.

For those Americans with your average high school education, Haiti may seem like a mystery. It is one of Caribbean island nations not communist and therefore of little interest to U.S. diplomats. It is populated almost entirely by black people, but it's not the one Bob Marley is from, and it's not a popular resort. It suffers from extreme poverty and high occurrences of AIDS and HIV, and the last time you saw it on TV may have been when a boatload of refugees were drowning in an effort to reach the continental United States, unless they were being turned back by U.S. coast guard.

There are positive things about Haiti, though, like its friendliness to American investors. When it's not in the midst of revolution, which is admittedly quite often, Haiti is the poorest country in the Western hemisphere with a per capita income of $250; less than half of its population is literate and 80% of its people live in poverty, which means low, low wages for investors. The U.S.-friendly puppet government, put in place and held there by military force, means no minimum wage and bizarre laws that lower tariffs on imports and punish exports—a country with a high yield of agricultural products can't even produce rice for its own people, since it is cheaper to import it from American agricultural concerns, thanks to commerce legislation.

For the Bush administration, it's obviously good business to enforce "trickle down" economics and protect investments there by reinstalling a U.S.-friendly government by whatever means possible, even militarily, but since it's an election year and the American people are already getting a little sour about our efforts to protect business concerns in the Middle East, the stance our country is going to take on recent Haitian uprisings isn't quite square yet. But if it can be done without lowering anyone's approval rating, you can bet Haitian rebels and their underclass associates, maybe even Aristide himself, will soon join the Octagon of Evil, or whatever shape evil's taking these days.

lipping through the governmental system of checks and balances like a greased hog, President Bush used a recess appointment to bypass a Senate filibuster in appointing comedian Richard Pryor to the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals on Friday. Bush defended the appointment by explaining that the Court of Appeals hasn't made him laugh in a good, long time.

Bush praised Pryor as "this really funny black guy" who was sure to be a hit with his fellow justices. In addition, the president expressed bewilderment that Senate Democrats would want to block yet another of his appointments, commenting that he thought everybody liked Richard Pryor. "Hey, this is fun," responded an elated Bush when given word that Pryor had been successfully installed.

The recess appointment was Bush's second since Senate Democrats mounted successful filibusters to block the president's last five appeals court nominees, including stuntman Evel Knievel, Hollywood actor Russell Crowe, Yankees shortstop Alex Rodriguez, famous child psychologist Dr. Spock and the cartoon character Fat Albert. Following his unsuccessful attempt to have the African-American animated character installed in the court, Bush used his first recess appointment to add soulful latina singer Gloria Estefan to the circuit court last month.

Senate Democrats defend their filibuster tactics as necessary to protect the President from himself, explaining that they shouldn't be viewed as a personal vendetta against a president who thinks he can appoint whoever the hell he wants to the nation's courts.

"Look I love A-Rod," confided Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle. "That guy can hit the piss out of a baseball. But I'm just not sure he belongs on the appeals court."

"At least he exists," interrupted Sen. Charles Schumer, D-New York. "Remember back in 2001 when he wanted to appoint Gandolf and that guy who was Sylvester Stallone's trainer in Rocky? Jesus Christ."

Bush appointed the comedian and actor despite suggestions that Pryor might be physically unfit for the position, given the debilitating effects of the Multiple Sclerosis from which the comedian suffers.

"I'm sure he'll be fine," explained Bush. "He's probably just making it all up to have a good laugh at us. That guy's hilarious."

This latest appointment is expected to have a positive effect on the president, who is said to be in down spirits since the death of "Spotty," the White House dog, last week. Though the dog came with the job, Bush had become especially attached to the canine over the last three years, and hoped to pay off the dog's lease in order to take it with him when he left the White House. Though he's not sure of the exact clause involved, President Bush expressed confidence that his renter's agreement states that the White House now has to get him a new dog. He's hoping for a Pomeranian or a golden retriever that can do tricks.

Dear commune:

Is it true what they say about you make an ugly face and it stays that way and that’s what happened to Keith Richards? I’m trying to teach my kids about science and don’t want to give them no bullshit answers. Thanks for the help.

Derreck Chowder
Camelback NE


Dear Derreck:

The short answer to your question is this: Depends. The long version is twice as long: It depends. The most reliable scientific research conducted around the commune offices suggests that beautiful people can make ugly faces all day long without a detrimental effect on their appearance, as has been proved by the many beautiful women who turn down Ramon Nootles’ advances every day with their fixed, scornful glares. However, if you have an ugly face already and you make an ugly face, it’s probably just gonna stay that way. As for what happened to Keith Richards, have you ever seen Naked Lunch?

the commune

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Hey commune:

Hey man, what’s up with that song "Don’t Bring Me Down"? That’s a pretty kickin’ song that I like to sing when it’s on the radio, but I gotta know who’s this Bruce guy? Because I’m not that comfortable singing "Don’t bring me doooooown.... Bruce!" in a really gay falsetto with the windows down unless they’re talking about a pretty badass Bruce, like Bruce Lee or Bruce Willis or somebody. Or at least Bruce Campbell, you know. But if it’s somebody weak like Bruce Dern or a faggy plane like the Bruce Goose, then fuck that song.

Chuckory Hammerstein
Bronx, NY


Dear Chuckory:

According to commune fact-hole Griswald Dreck, the actual lyrics to the song in question are "Don’t bring me doooooown.... Gross!" so your manhood need not be impinged by any singalongs; windows down or otherwise. Unless there happen to be some bikini girls walking by at that moment and bystanders assume you think they’re gross, that might potentially brand you as gay. As for how the song ended up with such strange lyrics, according to Dreck, Electric Light Orchestra frontman Jeff Lynne was so high during the recording sessions he actually threw up into a half-full bottle of beer while the tape was rolling, and when the bottle foamed over in a disgusting eruption of vomit foam the backup singers spontaneously sang "Gross!" instead of the written lyric "Goose," a reference to the film Top Gun. Though the film had not yet been made, Lynne hoped this preemptive strike would land ELO a choice spot on the soundtrack, one which eventually went to 80’s soundtrack hound Kenny Loggins. Since Lynne was busy finding places to throw up he never noticed the lyrics were wrong and the backup singers sang the rest of the song that way so they wouldn’t have to go back and do the first one again.

the commune

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Dear commune:

You guys are cool. the commune is the most popular site at my elementary school’s library computer. Also there’s some kind of virus where we can’t change the homepage. But all the cool kids read the commune. Except for Rok Finger’s column, which gets blocked by the NetNanny. Griswaldo Dreck’s columns are very helpful for researching homework papers. Also, Boner Cunningham really knows what it’s like to be a kid, and he’s the star on our kickball team at recess. But our teacher wants to know when you guys are going to come pick him up because he can’t sleep in the Art room anymore.

Stacey Cree
Browntoe, NJ


Dear Stacey:

Great to hear your school is enjoying our "Teach the Children Well: House a commune Staffer for a Month" program. Giving back to the community is one of the things we do best, right after "deprogramming hippies" on the list. Be sure to tell your friends at neighboring schools about this valuable program. commune editor Red Bagel also sends his regards to your teacher:

"Huff on my sack, greaseball."

Thanks for your letter.

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for anything that happened after that bull got loose. We had it on good authority that was a mellow, laid back bull that just wanted to hang out and not be in a cage all the time, maybe smell some flowers or something. Nobody could have known he was going to react to downtown Manhattan that way.

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