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February 23, 2004   
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homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Bush Criticizes Lack of Oil in Vietnam ConflictFebruary 16, 2004
Washington, D.C.
UNKNOWN
Following instruction, a young pilot George W. Bush seeks out the way to the men's room and mistakes a bizarre metal contraption in the middle of the base. Either that, or a publicity still from an early Bush election.
P
resident George "Whitewash" Bush tried to put to rest the media uproar over his service record in the national guard with a brief prepared statement Friday. Bush revealed his mixed feelings for the Vietnam war, saying once and for all his personal feelings about the conflict stemmed from the apparent lack of oil or natural resources for plundering in the country.

"Before I have alluded to personal reservations about the Vietnam war," the statement began. "These were private concerns, but since the media is preoccupied with the past, let me at last tell everyone I believe the war in Vietnam was misguided. I believe any military action that puts men in danger, when there is no profit to be made in oil or rich natural resources, or a lone figurehead to be vengefully removed from ...Read more...

Search for Joker Continues in Iraq

February 16, 2004
Washington, D.C.
PENTAGON
A rare picture of the much-sought Joker, rumored to have been last seen dancing with cloven-hooved acquaintance by pale moonlight.
C
ontinuing efforts to keep the peace in we-torn Iraq turned for the worse with the White House revelation Sunday that the "top card in the deck," the nefarious "Joker," was still running around free in Iraq.

"We have attempted to protect the public from the horrible truth until now," said Pentagon spokesperson Gen. Amos Halftrack. "As is often the case with corrupt fascistic governments, prettyboy figureheads—like Saddam Hussein—are made frontmen for the real enemy. In Iraq, the real power is, and has always been held by the Joker."

With no other name for the suspected Iraqi dictator, U.S. forces and Iraqi police have begun circulating cards with the only known picture of the fugitive, to be added to existing packs of Iraq's "most wanted" cards, and possibly ...Read more...

Oops, Atlanta forgot to mention about 50,000 violent crimes
Howard Dean happy to be able to holler again
commune offers Disney Dunkin, reporter to be named later for buyout
Microsoft "shitballs" over Windows source code leak



February 23, 2004
Click for Biography

A Love Powerful Enough to Destroy the World

Nancy, sweet Nancy—the heart and soul of my existence. I would say you are the wind beneath my wings, but using such a contrived cliché to explain our love would make me vomit blood. You are not mere wind under silly bird wings, or I suppose bat wings or angel wings. You are a concussive force of destruction, 300mph winds that could drive straw through a brick wall.

It's no joke, Nancy. My love for you is so strong I sometimes feel like it will overcome me. I am not unlike Frodo, carrying a burden too big for such a small insignificant midget to handle, continually tempted and in danger of being overwhelmed by the power of the one true ring that is your love. All of that describes my affection for you, except for the implied evil I may not have ruled out quick enough. Read more...

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Milestones
1992: Lil Duncan's alternative band Fuck Off is signed to a major label, on the condition they replace Lil and change their name to The Cranberries.
Now Hiring
Genie. Duties include magically delivering gifts of high monetary and social value on demand. Must have own lamp or bottle, no backtalk. Evil "wish becomes curse"-type genies need not apply.
Top T.V. Shows
1.Friends, NBC
2.New Friends, NBC
3.Wilma & Non-Threatening Abstinent Gay Man, NBC
4.Black Friends, UPN
5.Star Truck: Interstate, UPN
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American Airlines: 'Christian' Pilot a Goddamned Nut

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
2/16/2004
What up, Entertainment Police people? Roland McS is in the hizzouse. Which, for the hip-impaired, means roughly the same thing as "Lucy, I'm hoooome!" For the Latin-impaired, that means "Bitch, where my pork chops?" And for the domestic-abuse impaired, that just means "Howdy, stranger." I'm glad you could make it for another dose of all the movie reviews you could choose to peruse. Here's hoping you all made it through Friday the 13th without any hockey-killer mishaps, and now let's take a look at this week's new releases:

In Theaters

50 First Dates
If ever the tale of the Cuban Missile Crisis has smoked its way onto the big screen with such an unprecedentedly smoky level of smokitude, this reviewer must've been on...Read more...