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February 16, 2004   
Don't count us out. Or count on us. Please, just stop with the counting.
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Search for Joker Continues in Iraq

February 16, 2004
Washington, D.C.
PENTAGON
A rare picture of the much-sought Joker, rumored to have been last seen dancing with cloven-hooved acquaintance by pale moonlight.
C
ontinuing efforts to keep the peace in we-torn Iraq turned for the worse with the White House revelation Sunday that the "top card in the deck," the nefarious "Joker," was still running around free in Iraq.

"We have attempted to protect the public from the horrible truth until now," said Pentagon spokesperson Gen. Amos Halftrack. "As is often the case with corrupt fascistic governments, prettyboy figureheads—like Saddam Hussein—are made frontmen for the real enemy. In Iraq, the real power is, and has always been held by the Joker."

With no other name for the suspected Iraqi dictator, U.S. forces and Iraqi police have begun circulating cards with the only known picture of the fugitive, to be added to existing packs of Iraq's "most wanted" cards, and possibly ...Read more...

American Airlines: 'Christian' Pilot a Goddamned Nut

February 16, 2004
Fort Worth, TX
Snapper McGee
God sheds his grace on a departing American Airlines flight, unless it's just a simple sunset, but let each draw his own proof of deism.
"
No shit," promised American Airlines spokesperson Lindy Burger. "The pilot in question was out of his ever-loving mind. A fuckhead of galactic proportions. His inventive swearing was unfortunately mistaken for a Christian dogmatic rant."

American Airlines packaged the clarification of the incident with a passive-aggressive apology to any Christians who were stupid enough to mistake the pilot's announcements as endorsing any particular religion. Actually, the apology was about 75% aggressive and only 25% passive, judging by the wording and an elaborate passive-aggressive formula M.I.T. scientists worked out.

Burger, consenting to an interview in her office, as long as we kept the door open, explained it was American Airlines policy to allow pilots to swear in the...Read more...

Boston husband challenges legality of no-sex marriages
Late Dr. Atkins was big fat liar
Disdain in Spain from insane pre-war weapons claims
Australian record industry cracks down on mate-to-mate file-swapping



February 16, 2004
Click for Biography

Long Live Omar Bricks!

Thankfully for you, the eager readers, nobody blew up any giant mammals on the international scene this week and we can finally get down to the nitty gritty dirt band on Omar Bricks' adventures through the afterlife. For those of you interested in the full sensory experience, I'd recommend putting Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" on infinite repeat while you read the column. If you read it at the correct rate of speed I think you'll find things syncing up in some pretty mind-blowing ways. If you're a slow reader or retarded or something, I can't promise it won't make you dizzy or colossally sick, so sync at your own risk here people.

Longtime Bricks fans, or newer fans with the cajones to dig deep into the archives, will no doubt remember back in 2002 when the Bricksmobile went all Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“When you wish upon a star… doesn't that burn like a motherfucker? Those things are basically like other suns. Me, I do all my wishing on the floor of my bedroom.”

-"Cricket-Bat" Nigel Jiminy
Fortune 500 Cookie
Your future lies in Clearasil, now and forever. Having Carrot Top fill in for you at the anchor desk Tuesday might just end your career. Why is more than one sheep still called sheep? And why are they so damned affectionate? You're going to regret correcting Randy Savage's grammar before the week is done. Saturday: Fish or die.


Try again later.
Unlikeliest Candidates for New Pope
1.Joe Piscopo (Hereby known as Joe Piscopope)
2.Winner of three-man guitar contest between Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, and Joe Satriani
3.Real Pope, once impostor is out of the way
4.Pope's son Iggy Pope
5.Jimmy Cutler, winner of 2002 American Pope reality show contest, waiting all this time for his big chance
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Ohio Puts Positive Spin on Marriage Discrimination

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BY roland mcshyster
2/16/2004
What up, Entertainment Police people? Roland McS is in the hizzouse. Which, for the hip-impaired, means roughly the same thing as "Lucy, I'm hoooome!" For the Latin-impaired, that means "Bitch, where my pork chops?" And for the domestic-abuse impaired, that just means "Howdy, stranger." I'm glad you could make it for another dose of all the movie reviews you could choose to peruse. Here's hoping you all made it through Friday the 13th without any hockey-killer mishaps, and now let's take a look at this week's new releases:

In Theaters

50 First Dates
If ever the tale of the Cuban Missile Crisis has smoked its way onto the big screen with such an unprecedentedly smoky level of smokitude, this reviewer must've been on...Read more...