Dean to America: "Sorry I Yelled at You"

n another self-critical apology on national news, Vermont Governor Howard Dean tried to cheer up teary-eyed Democrats by letting them know, once again, he was sorry he yelled at them last Tuesday.

“Clearly, I was in a bad mood, or at least it seemed like I was in a bad mood,� Dean spoke slowly, in his lecture tone on Friday’s CBS Evening News With Dan Rather. “I want to make it known again, I was not yelling at you. I was just having a bad day.�

Blubbering Democratic and fence-riding undecided voters have chastised Dean, along with his supporters, for an almost human display of emotion following his third-place finish in the Iowa caucus last week. The candidate, previously holding a fair lead over other Democratic presidential nominees, has since appeared on every national media outlet except for the Food Channel and Screw! Magazine to let everyone know his yelling should not mistake him for being an exciting candidate.

“Understand,� Dean continued later, on NBC’s Later with Carson Daly show, “sometimes, you and your campaign people put a lot of work into getting your message out there, and it only helps you come in third in a state full of corn-chucking sons of—I’m sorry, sorry. Again, I’m not mad at you, Iowa. I mean, you can probably go and hand the thing to Bush right now, if you want, but—I apologize. I’m getting off message. I’m just saying, John Edwards? Isn’t he the guy that talks to dead people? How does John Edwards beat me? Tell me that and I’ll shut up.�

Dean’s efforts to apologize haven’t wavered since Tuesday’s outburst. He again tried to amend his statements and not go ballistic Saturday on M-TV’s Punk’d, with Ashton Kutcher.

“Sometimes I get a little riled up. I’m only human, or 80 percent human by-product, and I get mad sometimes. Like when Ashton made me think my car had been crushed into a cube—that was pretty funny, dude. But when I lost my temper, it wasn’t because I couldn’t take a joke. And that’s what the Iowa caucuses are, after all, right? Big fat jokes. John Edwards beats me, yeah, like I’m so sure—sorry. I’m losing my focus. What I mean to say is, sometimes, we candidates get mad and we fight with each other. But we’re not yelling at you, Democratic voters. It’s not your fault. Unless you’re from Iowa—lousy little outhouse right smack dab in the middle of America—�

Despite repeated outbursts on other news shows, Dean managed a reserved manner on Saturday morning’s Flatbush, New Jersey cable access show, 4 a.m. with Boner Cunningham.

“We’re taking lumps on this one, true, but it’s not distracting us from our campaign. The problem with this country is George W. Bush and a wayward administration, and we’re taking that message to the New Hampshire caucus, and people are responding. The Iowa caucus was a disappointing setback, but the New Hampshire caucus will show my campaign hasn’t suffered. I admit, I’m not a perfect person. I am capable of getting mad. Like when you introduced me as ‘that weird yelling guy’ on your show, or when you asked me if my statement of having ‘warts’ meant they were on my genitals. You think it’s funny, but it’s just the kind of thing that might send me into a rage if I weren’t so focused on the upcoming caucus and—look, you little shit, the word is ‘caucus,’ there’s nothing funny about it. Quit sniggering before I come over there and give you something to wail about.�

Needless to say, this reporter didn’t, and the governor did. We can safely say I think the commune has found a candidate worth endorsing.

eneral Motors Corp. announced today they would be recalling all production models of their popular Mars Rover sport-utility vehicle, due to unspecified problems with the vehicle’s onboard computer system. According to Robert Jungels, a spokesperson for the world’s #1 automaker, “God help the poor son of a bitch who’s counting on one of those things on a cold winter’s day.�

In an unrelated story, NASA technicians continue to twiddle knobs and fart around in an effort to repair their ailing Mars Rover, stranded on the barren Martian surface nearly 100 million miles from Earth. As of Friday, technicians were receiving only random blips of static and the sickening sound of grinding metal from the Rover’s powerful radio antenna.

“It’s just like my Lumina,� mused mission controller Mark Banks. “Looks like beautiful. Drives like shit.�

“As the owner’s manual states clearly in twelve point Helvetica, it is not recommended that the Rover be driven outside of the country,� explained GM’s Jungels when told about NASA’s car trouble. “Foreign gasoline is rarely up to US standards, and you never know what kind of weird-assed Chink nail you’re going to kick up from the road.�

Asked whether the red planet would fall under his classification of “outside of the country,� Jungels was emphatic. “Shit yeah.�

The scene at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratories in Pasadena, CA was a desperate one over the weekend, with a crowd of engineers hunched over the Rover’s remote display terminal, offering a cacophony of suggestions. “Turn it over… no, jiggle the… you’re flooding it!�

According to NASA officials, the Rover failed soon after rolling of its landing platform on the Martian surface, and the “check engine� light has been on since last Tuesday.

“My dad was right, we never should have bought American,� lamented NASA engineer Richard Bennett, echoing a popular sentiment at mission control. Due to budgetary cutbacks, NASA’s original plan for a high tech NASA-only Rover designed by Honda and Toshiba had to be scaled back in favor of a more modest proposal before launch. The Detroit automaker’s low APR financing was said to be a major deciding factor for cash-strapped NASA.

“The funny thing is, the radio still works fine,� chuckled a bemused Bennett. “Clear as a bell. We’ve been listening to K-BIG all weekend, their whole doo-wop countdown. Except when Mickels is in charge, he likes to channel surf and we usually get stuck listening to some bullshit AC-DC song. If there is any intelligent life on Mars, they’re going to think we’ve got really shitty taste in music.�

Though it may be of cold comfort given the mission’s $850 million price tag, GM customer service representatives have assured NASA that the offending control module will be replaced free of charge, as soon as NASA can bring the Rover in to any of the over 7,500 authorized GM dealers in the United States and Canada.

Hello reading man, is Boris is here. So many thing to tell about Boris life, and so not much space on postcard. Read slow, and Boris will try to fit in many thing.

First funny thing that happens is about Boris friend of bird. One day, Boris is chopping up road on motorcycle thing when all suddenly there is knock-knock on helmet like hello is Boris home. Only is just one knock and so loud like get out of bed asswipe knock. Boris is looking around for knocker person who is not there, so strange.

But then is time to look in lap and realize knock is from bird thing that flies into Boris helmet! Him is thinking this is sky space for bird flying. Nope, bird is wrong and dead. But at this time Boris does think bird is only resting from knock so loud, thing does make birds tired.

So Boris is taking care of new sleeping bird friend, carrying on shoulder like decoration for pirate during day and putting in special bird sleeping bag at nighttimes. Is nice bag with picture of oranges. But oh no, after fun bird week Angels from Hell friends start to ask why Boris does smell like rotten dead ass and there is vote that bird is dead. So sad. Bird does go to goodbye in big metal dumpster coffin thing and Angel does fart like Taps song. Is like in movie when Old Yellow dog does die.

What else is story to tell? Oh, there is thing! Boris does get hand stuck in vending machine at resting stop. And Angels from Hell wants to leave so them does has to drag machine thing behind chopping motorcycle until grabbing machine does fall aparts. So funny. Happy ending is that Boris holds onto Clark bar and does get chocolate reward for this vending adventure.

Life on roads is good times, but Boris does miss Louis robot friend and Similar to Skippy dog. So sad to remember way Similar to Skippy dog does eat the fish out of garbage can all times, and does throws up because him is allergic to fishes. This is nice memory that is family.

But new Angels from Hell family does has good memories also. Like friend Crammer, who falls asleep with hand in water all times and is always pissing pants while sleeping. So funny in morning time for persons not sleeping next to Crammer friend. Sometimes him does forget to do this thing so other Angels help by finding bowl of water for hand. Then there is time Crammer does fall asleep out of doors with hand in puddle, and in morning pants are so pissed to be frozen! Him walking like Frankensteins to try and catch other laughing Angels, so funny when pants are not bending.

Mainly Boris does miss the TV. Road is like same show all times. Boris does get different glasses at gas station to make for different channels, good idea. There is red channel, green channel, yellow channel. Also blurry channel and very large channel but those shows so bad for eyes, cannot watch so long. Is fun thing but not so good as real TVs. Boris is wondering who is winning Fortunate Wheel or at That's Not the Price of This Thing! shows. Such facts not in newspaper! So sad. Boris is thinking to get small motorcycle TV, but so hard to find one does run on wind power or magics. Maybe is thing in Brookstone catalog but Boris can't not get such thing delivered to chopping motorcycle.

Oh well. Boris will wait for new bird friend to come. Goodbye column.

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