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 Useless animals clogging up earth, stealing resources from man November 24, 2003 |
Geneva, Switzerland Alton Onus An anonymous nature freak makes a big fuss over one of the last remaining Sumatran drooling rhinos in existence
All are among 13,279 varieties critically endangered and possibly-imaginary animal, plant and water life precious to bleeding-heart liberals the world over. Many are new to this year's edition of the group's list, a yearly "wake-up call to the world" that unless serious changes are made to environmental ...
he Bornean junk monkey, Stevensons' slug, Malaysian sitting bird and the world's largest species of blind sea trout are in grave danger of extinction, the World Conservation Union warned an assemblage of world leaders on Tuesday to the sound of one tiny violin playing sarcastically. Also among the newly-threatened species nobody has ever heard of are the shovelnosed arctic frog, the smoke weasel, the Andean left-handed dolphin and the three-toed nervous elephant of lower Peru.
All are among 13,279 varieties critically endangered and possibly-imaginary animal, plant and water life precious to bleeding-heart liberals the world over. Many are new to this year's edition of the group's list, a yearly "wake-up call to the world" that unless serious changes are made to environmental policy, the earth's biodiversity might one day shrink to comprehensible levels.
This year's list, like all that came before it, has drawn a collective boo-hoo from the planet's human inhabitants.
"Excuse me, but what has the Columbian rice shrew ever done for me or my family?" questioned an indignant Don Cloyd from Williamsburg, Virginia. "My uncle lost a logging job because of some stupid owl that didn't want to live at a box at the zoo or something, so sorry if that ruined it for all the other creatures out there, but I still say animals that don't taste good can kiss my ass."
Various world leaders questioned about the organization's list issued similar mock-sincere statements, vowing to halt all future economic progress in order to make the world safe for such hilariously improbable creatures as the Chilean trouser trout and the loud Spanish jackass.
Over 762 animals have gone extinct worldwide since various governments and the NRA began keeping records in the 1600's. Among the beautiful creatures the earth will never again know are the Tittleosen snot sloth, the North American windshield sparrow and the sickly cave bear of Nepal.
Perhaps the most stirring symbol for lost species is the majestic dodo, a once-useless bird that wobbled off into the history books in the early 17th century when Dutch sailors visiting islands in the Indian Ocean discovered the birds, whose strange compulsion to hop into cooking pots and offer themselves up for soups and other entrees led quickly to their extinction.
According to the WCU, thousands more creatures will join these ranks shortly if steps are not taken to slow the destruction of their native habitats in industrialized and developing nations. Saddest of all may be the possible fate of the Scottish brownie hound, once numbering in the thousands but now thought to be down to the last one and a half specimens in existence. Even that shocking number is sinking fast as scientists are unsure of how long you can keep half a dog alive in a cooler full of ice.
In delivering the study to world leaders, WCU Director General Achim Steiner also pointed out the success of recent efforts to save formerly endangered species such as Arabian oryx and the white rhino, news which inspired several unimpressed heads of state to mouth the word "super" while mimicking the jerk-off motion with their hands. the commune news is personally responsible for eradicating three species of roadside badgers, but if nature didn't see fit to outfit them with reflective pelts we don't see fit to mourn their fender-denting passing. Ted Ted is officially considered an endangered species whenever he wanders into a lesbian bar, a dangerous clash of habitats conservation experts are working hard around the clock to prevent.
 | Jackson Alleges Reverse RacismPop star claims the D.A. wants to convict a white man November 24, 2003 |
Santa Barbara, CA SANTA BARBARA COUNTY CORRECTIONS Though Michael Jackson’s image wouldn’t take on the mug shot film, Diana Ross kindly agreed to step in. Jackson, who was once a perfectly normal black superstar, was arrested Thursday on charges of multiple counts of something-something with a minor, or in short-hand, child molesting. The pop star faced similar accusations in 1993, shortly after turning white, but criminal charges were never filed when the father of the child in question was bought off by Jackson with a big fat check, praise whitey. Attorney for Jackson Mark Geragos, also representing white wife-killer Scott Peterson, released a statement to the press for the umpteenth time this week, Satu...
estselling musician and deposed King of Pop Michael Jackson returned accusations against the Santa Barbara county D.A. Saturday, making charges of “reverse racism” to reporters through a released memo on extra-white stationary. Jackson, who was once a perfectly normal black superstar, was arrested Thursday on charges of multiple counts of something-something with a minor, or in short-hand, child molesting. The pop star faced similar accusations in 1993, shortly after turning white, but criminal charges were never filed when the father of the child in question was bought off by Jackson with a big fat check, praise whitey. Attorney for Jackson Mark Geragos, also representing white wife-killer Scott Peterson, released a statement to the press for the umpteenth time this week, Saturday’s stating in no uncertain terms the criminal investigation was based on the fact Jackson is white. “It’s no coincidence I’m a white man who is very successful and just happen to be accused of these horrible crimes,” the statement read. “If I were a non-white child molester everyone in the California legal system would be so intimidated by cries of racism I would never even be brought in for questioning. I know how the game is played, being a California white man for more than thirteen years now.” It’s the latest call of injustice for Jackson, who earlier this week claimed the arrest warrant was uncoincidentally announced on the same day his new rehash of hits reached store shelves; shortly after, Jackson declared the district attorney’s office was holding a grudge against the entertainer simply because he was accused of molestation ten years ago and never went to trial. The district attorney, who is actually named Snedden, a big freckled white guy with no hair and a mustache, dismissed the charges. He rebuffed the accusations at his continuing 72-hour press conference party. “Mr. Jackson’s skin color, whatever it is this week, has no place in our investigation. The only requirements for charges of child molestation are—well, let me check the list,” said Sneddon, sarcastically studying an imaginary clipboard, “Oh, right—sex acts with kids. Sometimes it slips my mind. But that’s it alright. That’s what he’s accused of doing.” The modern-day fop has created more than one controversy in recent months, including dangling his infant son over a third-story balcony and unproven rumors he ate one of his children. In a British documentary clip shown excessively in the past five days, Jackson also said he likes to share his bed with children in a non-sexual way and even if he does have sex with them it doesn’t mean he likes it. Jackson also mentioned masturbating to the sight of his chimpanzee dressed up like himself, but it might have been something this reporter just made up. Also on the subject of sexual excitement, prominent members of the media said they would be following the case with interest. “Hot damn, Christmas came early this year!” exclaimed one of hundreds of white national television newspeople, not to be confused with the two non-white media representatives, Ed Bradley from 60 Minutes and Al Roker.
the commune news thinks it only fair to remind you Jackson himself announced he was bad and dangerous, on previous album titles, and you hipsters thought he was just talking slang. Shabozz Wertham is a reporter of color, and that color is often fuming red when he sees his stories relegated to low slots on the roster.
| Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 November 24, 2003 Boris is Too Old For This ShitBoris love in movie Lethal Weapons when cop persons is saying "I am too old for this shit!" when him is supposed to do dangerous thing. Chief says for Crocket and Tubbs to go on adventure to stop karate guys from making money, and thing will have lots of yelling and fast cars, but Tubbs is too old for this shit. Him wants to stay home with footballs and house size of airport. But they do go on adventures anyway because Crocket lives in shitholes and does not want to go home. Which is good for movie because Tubbs Staying Home movie not so exciting.
This part so good is now Boris new saying. Whenever there is thing Boris doesn't not want to do, is time to say "Boris is too old for this shit." Like other day, Louis wants help to move fridge, to get back where Boris ...
º Last Column: Boris Does Love This 24 Show
º more columns
Boris love in movie Lethal Weapons when cop persons is saying "I am too old for this shit!" when him is supposed to do dangerous thing. Chief says for Crocket and Tubbs to go on adventure to stop karate guys from making money, and thing will have lots of yelling and fast cars, but Tubbs is too old for this shit. Him wants to stay home with footballs and house size of airport. But they do go on adventures anyway because Crocket lives in shitholes and does not want to go home. Which is good for movie because Tubbs Staying Home movie not so exciting.
This part so good is now Boris new saying. Whenever there is thing Boris doesn't not want to do, is time to say "Boris is too old for this shit." Like other day, Louis wants help to move fridge, to get back where Boris hides housekeys for safe keepings. Nope, sorry, Boris is too old for this shit. But then Louis has saying that Louis is too old to buy pizza for dinner, and so him does win battle of who person is too old to do things. Boris moves fridge and does have pizzas for dinner.
On other day cop person asks what Boris is doing with fishing pole in swimming pool, and Boris does not feel like explaining fishing so does tell cop person Boris is too old for this shit. Cop person does not like this thing and says him is too old not to give Boris wedgie, so Boris must explain how Snoopy fishing pole is for catching new dog, because Similar to Skippy did runs away during loud part of Lethal Weapons.
Cop person doesn't not like this, Boris thinks is because him wants special dancing dog for himself. So he does tell Boris is assjack who will never catch dog with such little fishing pole. Is okay, as Louis say opinion is like Eskimo.
Starting to think no persons does love this Lethal Weapons saying so much as Boris. So instead Boris does think to go visit old persons home, where all persons is too old for this shit and can relate to funny saying.
So Boris does go to tell old persons what to say, and is very good time. Boris explains about Boris is too old for this shit, and old persons does like to talk about such things. Old persons is too old for all things, and love to tell Boris about this. And old persons is right age to drive electric wheelchair and give Boris ride, so fun. Life in electric wheelchair is like very slow race with no finish. And old persons does love to watch TVs with Boris, though when Boris does put on Lethal Weapons show old persons are too old for this shit. Too bad but still fun to watch show about stopwatch and thing with crocodile hunter.
Old persons home is fun place with good pudding. But after few days Louis does come to take Boris away because Boris is not old enough for this shit. º Last Column: Boris Does Love This 24 Showº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“The good die first. Then, the not-so good. Then the ugly. Strike that, the ugly should die first. Can I start again? If there are any good left, don't kill them yet, we've still got some uglies over here.”
-Billiam SwordswartFortune 500 CookieThe next time you give a dog as a gift, why don't you try poking some holes in the cellophane, ay handyman? Here's something to chew on: gum. Remember: you can't hurry love, but you can get your ass in motion when you're blocking the express lane, chunky. This week's lucky ducks: Donald, Daffy, Dontrelle, Fukka.
Try again later.Top-Selling Halloween Masks| 1. | John Kerry w/ matching beret | | 2. | George W. Bush w/ matching quizzical look | | 3. | Zorro's cheaper cousin Steve-o | | 4. | Me, only better | | 5. | Eddie Murphy circa 1986 | | 6. | Gollum/Rupert Murdoch 2-year reusable mask | | 7. | Irresistible Sexy Man #34 | | 8. | Scary Scream guy stealing "The Scream" | | 9. | '57 Studebaker | | 10. | That guy over there | |
|   Tom Cruise's Shit Don't Stink BY french hammond blister 11/24/2003 How to Write a Contrived NovelVerbs. Nouns. Direct objects. Pro-Nouns. Indirect objects. These are friend to the aspiring contrived novelist.
But writing is more than a mish-mash of words formed into sentences, then into paragraphs, then back into sentences for dialogue. All culminating in "The End." It is more than an exploration of language, of culture, of self, a fascinating journey through your own self-conscience meant to make you a better person. More than all this, even more than an intriguing story and fresh characters. Writing is a short ride to a big fat check.
For centuries authors existed entirely by the good graces of the wealthy—patrons of the rich, writing exactly what they wanted for one particular audience. Writing was an act of compromise to satisfy the whim of a deman...
Verbs. Nouns. Direct objects. Pro-Nouns. Indirect objects. These are friend to the aspiring contrived novelist. But writing is more than a mish-mash of words formed into sentences, then into paragraphs, then back into sentences for dialogue. All culminating in "The End." It is more than an exploration of language, of culture, of self, a fascinating journey through your own self-conscience meant to make you a better person. More than all this, even more than an intriguing story and fresh characters. Writing is a short ride to a big fat check. For centuries authors existed entirely by the good graces of the wealthy—patrons of the rich, writing exactly what they wanted for one particular audience. Writing was an act of compromise to satisfy the whim of a demanding and imbecilic blueblood. That was a sweet deal. But that time has gone by, and to make a fortune in the modern age the modern novelist mustn't compromise himself for any single individual, but bunches of them. The book-buying public. The beginning to every good book is a winning idea. An idea someone thinks is worth publishing. People ask us all the time, "Where do you get ideas?" Screw you, hobo, we're not telling you the source of our goldmine. Get a job already. But if you have a place to get ideas from, especially ideas you could turn into a book, even better a bestselling book idea, jump on it! It's not as hard as you might think. You see authors all the time who are struck by the muse, punched in the balls and thrown by the stairs by inspiration, and they come up with a brilliant can't-miss idea people find genuinely interesting. We hate these people. Luckily, people also by books with lame, repetitive stories and paper-thin characters you can toss out in ten seconds. In fact, most of the publishing world exists entirely on these books. And you can easily be one of their authors. One good way of finding the perfect idea for your trite novel is to take your favorite book and re-write it with your own disappointing characters. Love Jane Eyre? Write your own historical romance and diatribe on the role of women in Victorian England! Make her an exciting well-read debutante instead of a frumpy governess, and turn that subtle discourse on feminism into modern catchphrases and moralizing. People will eat it up. Or maybe you're a fan of 1984, but you find it horribly depressing. What would happen if Winston Smith got tired of taking orders from Big Brother and started kicking some major butt? Hmm? Now you've got a bestseller! It doesn't have to be stealing someone else's creative idea, if that's not your style. It doesn't have to be creative at all. Take a familiar literary situation, like a neurotic thinly-disguised version of yourself returning home to your dysfunctional family. Not only is it a critical favorite, but you can delude yourself into thinking it's therapeutic. Save on shrink bills and throw in some psycho-babble you found on the web and you've written one smart—if trite—book! Don't think it's easy to write a novel just because it's crap, though. It's still hard work. You have to write hundreds of sentences, one after the other, and when you think you've written enough you still have to write the easiest ending you can think of, or borrow it from someone else. Then we get into the next part of it all—publishing! That'll take up the remaining 287 pages of this book. For more of this great non-fiction, buy French Hammond and Teddy Eddie Blister's
How to Write a Contrived Novel   |
