ccording to a troubling new study published today, Canadian scientists have found the shit of American actor Tom Cruise to be totally lacking in the offensive odor usually associated with common man-scat. The discovery raises a host of disturbing questions, not the least of which is what Canadian scientists were doing smelling Cruise's shit in the first place.

"We've long suspected Mr. Cruise might have descended from a higher odor of stenchless man, and these findings have merely confirmed the innate superiority we've long gathered from Tom's demeanor and public statements," explained Dr. Remus Rooney of the Manitoba Center for Deep Thinking. The center, housed in a building once famously occupied by vice pioneer Brooks McNally's "assembly-line" brothel during WWII, is known around the world for investigating questions of general scientific interest such as what those letters on zipper tabs mean and why some people insist on calling it "double-yew double-yew eye eye."

"When Tom looks at you, you can just tell his shit doesn't stink," added Rooney. "And now we have the research to back it up."

But how did this unusual study come about?

"Tom contacted us, actually," elaborated Dr. Rooney. "He was concerned that the cigar boxes of shit he was mailing to a local rival might not be having the intended effect, and sure enough it turns out the guy was using the stuff to insulate his house."

Rooney is careful to point out that Cruise's fecal matter is not odorless, which would just be creepy, but rather carries the robust odor of roasted almonds, a scent most who come in contact with the shit find pleasing. Through a series of tests at the Manitoba Center, Cruise's diet, lifestyle and religious practices are being examined as scientists attempt to probe the inner workings of the sweet-smelling actor.

"I hear he eats nothing but honeydew melons and bee larvae," insisted local roughneck Denny Lopez. "No shit. Or whatever they make that bee jelly out of. That shit's expensive. Damn but I'd like to get me some. My shit stink like death, yo."

"The defining characteristic of shit is that it stinks," explained leading fecalogist Roger Burns. "Which is what makes this case so unusual. If it doesn't stink, is it still shit? Or is Mr. Cruise instead shitting out something else? And if this is the case, is he still shitting it out, or do we need to come up with another verb for defecating a substance through one's anus? This is truly a heady day for science."

"Just a sec, I gotta take a shit," added Burns, excusing himself.

"Why don't you leave one instead?" countered Dr. Rooney, in jest. Both doctors chuckled heartily.

"That one never gets old," admitted Burns.

nother embarrassing gaff from the president occurred Tuesday when President Bush, briefly addressing protestors as he was escorted to a meeting with Prime Minister Tony Blair, angrily demanded the crowd, “Speak English, motherfuckers!�

“Y’all talk like fruits over here,� concluded the president, as handlers corralled the president to the prime minister’s residence.

It was a bad start to a rough visit to London for the president, on a goodwill trip to improve his image across the Atlantic. Inside sources describe Bush as beleaguered and exasperated with constant negative coverage of his visit to the country, as well as an extreme difficulty in crossing the accent gap. Bush had reportedly cupped his hand to his ear minutes earlier and mouthed, “I don’t unnerstan ya,� before blurting out his loud insult to the surprised crowd.

Though Bush’s meeting with the prime minister was insightful, according to better educated White House spokespeople, reporters from both countries were anxious to hear Bush’s excuse for the comment.

“The president was tired and cranky, suffering from jet lag,� said overworked White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, “he responded aggressively to what he perceived as an aggressive accusation in a language he couldn’t understand. He regrets saying things he should have only thought, but does not apologize. Wrap your head around that one.�

Other difficulties presented themselves, the White House stated in an accompanying memo, all adding to Bush’s confusion with the language. He was disturbed when the prime minister asked for Bush to “knock him up� as soon as he arrived; also bothering him were a minor traffic accident involving a pair of “lorries� and the ride on the “lift� during his first stop.

“We are talking about a president who hasn’t mastered this country’s cultural language quirks,� said an unidentified White House source this reporter nicknamed Big Johnson. “Put the pressure of selling the Iraq war and post-war reconstruction together with a culture he’s only familiar with through Benny Hill re-runs and we’re talking about one pissed-off president.�

The visit was declared successful by the White House, claiming disagreements about the Iraq war and the country’s future were discussed and overcome, though gaffs continued to follow the president like a pack of redneck-sniffing hounds. When introduced to the Queen, the president shared how much he loved “We Will Rock You�; addressing a gathering British diplomats, Bush said how deeply he regretted bombing their country in World War II and he would make sure to see the big clock before he left.

Thursday marked the biggest turnout of protestors as an estimated 100,000 tongue-clucking Britons gathered in Trafalgar Square to burn effigies of Bush, carry sort-of clever disparaging signs addressed to him, and generally dis the visiting president.

Bush himself, in a better mood Thursday, took a Zen approach to the protests.

“Everyone has the right to speak their own mind,� said the president. “We fought for their independence so they could say what they want.�

Anyone who's ever showed up naked on the shores of Greenland expecting a lush tropical paradise, only to have his dong bit off by a penguin, is liable to be curious as to how the island got its misleading name. Likewise for any cold-loving Eskimo freak living in Iceland and wondering why his balls are sweating all the time and why everybody makes fun of his bulbous whale-fur parka while they're all kicking it in Hawaiian shirts and jams. The mystery of why Iceland is green and Greenland is icier than Catherine Zeta-Jones' chest cavity is something that has vexed tourists, indiscriminate immigrants and the uninformed for centuries.

The reasons behind this cartographical bait-and-switch date back to ancient times. In 330 B.C., the ancient explorer Pytheas sailed north from France to try and find some place to dump a dead horse that nobody wanted to take off his hands. Back in those days you couldn't just dump a dead horse by the side of the freeway like you can now, there were laws and steep horse-carcass-disposal fees. Pytheas's horse died of shock after walking on the explorer having sex with his wife's hat rack, and so even beyond the expense of paying somebody to dump the corpse off a high cliff, Pytheas was not looking forward to explaining to someone why the horse died with such a surprised look on his face.

So the explorer set out in his ship, with the horse's body in tow, beginning to smell even more ripe than a horse does when alive. Six days north of Britain, and a day south of the edge of the world where you could peek around to the other side and see the word search puzzle and maze game on the back, Pytheas found a beautiful uncharted island. After taking a quick look around to make sure he didn't see anybody he knew, Pytheas dumped the horse and planted his own personal "Found it!" flag, as a warning to any other explorers inclined to claim the island for their own, and their horses.

Iceland was populated mainly by embarrassing corpses and explorers' flags until the 9th century, when it was settled by Norwegians who brought with them a number of Celts in their luggage. Around this time the island came to be known as Tholböp, an Icelandic word meaning "Land of Easy Women." But the natives there eventually changed the name to "Iceland," so Vikings in the area would look at their maps and say "Fuck that, sounds cold!" and instead carry on their raping and pillaging in Greenland, where they would freeze to death because Greenland is nothing but a big hunk of ice floating out in the ocean. Nobody said the Icelanders didn't have a good sense of humor. This has been evidenced in the high percentage of Icelandic men named Snorri and in the nation's major exports: pet rocks and really hot women who look like Björk.

The half-dozen natives of Greenland didn't appreciate having their island's name changed without being consulted first, but the resulting bumper crop of dead Vikings washing up on their shores soon assuaged all of their concerns. This development served to found Greenland's economy, which was soon booming with the import of dead frozen Vikings and the export of Greenlanders who thought it might be nicer to live somewhere else. Those who remained lived the good life, as much as any life lived in constant oppressive cold on top of a giant hunk of ice can be called good, and they were content to sing songs about snow while huddled inside their igloos made of piles of dead frozen Vikings.

Greenland was originally known as Igapaquk, an Inuit word meaning "Eeh, it's okay." The first colony on the island was founded in 500 B.C. by a lost band of Inuit sailors from Canada who were very pessimistic about their chances of finding something better if they sailed on further. Legend has it that these early inexperienced pilgrims only stayed on Greenland because of a linguistic snafu which caused them to confuse the two meanings of the word "settle," one being to build a colony in a new land and the other to accept something shitty even though you could probably do better.

So now that the globe's great lie has been exposed we can move on to more pressing questions, such as what do they call really nice dishes in China? Stay tuned.

º Last Column: Why is English So Retarded?
º more columns