Scientists Say No, Really, Universe Shaped Like Soccer Ball

ccording to U.S. and French researchers reporting in the science journal Nature last Thursday, the universe is shaped like a giant soccer ball, patched together out of a dozen spherical pentagons. No, really.

Data from NASA's Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe, a device the researchers insist is made entirely of tapioca, has indicated that the universe is finite and symmetrical. The probe maps background radiation left over from the Big Bang, the interstellar genesis event that occurred over 20 years ago, according to researchers.

The same researchers also indicated that regularly ingesting expensive sugar pills will cause your cock to grow big and hard like a redwood. Other revelations discovered by the researchers last week: grizzly bears are terrified of clowns, nobody can see you if you have your eyes closed, and if you stick your tongue against the railroad tracks in February, no way will it get stuck there.

The argument for a dodecahedral universe, made up of twelve pentagons forming a sphere, is a radical departure from earlier theories. It would also seem to end the fierce debate in the scientific community over whether or not God likes soccer. Previous suggestions about the universe's shape, from Boellinger's Taco Theory to Neumann's assertion that the cosmos is shaped kind of like an abstract pelican, have been proved absurd by this latest data.

"We were just shitting you when we said last year the universe is shaped like Lon Chaney's dong," admitted researcher George Ellis. "It's actually shaped like a soccer ball. Scout's honor!"

Fellow researchers Jeffrey Weeks and Domar Segui, still high from the rush of their groundbreaking discovery, greeted Ellis' announcement with a sustained jag of scientific giggling.

"Totally!" agreed Segui. "A big-ass soccer ball, filled up inside with galaxies shaped like blueberry muffins."

"Oh yeah!" remembered Ellis. "I almost forgot about the muffin galaxies! Most of them are shaped like that, except the one that's shaped like a high-heeled shoe and is made of braunschweiger."

"And candy!" nodded Segui, choking on a licorice whip. "The stars are made of candy and Mars is made of chocolate and nougat!"

"And the Milky Way was douched out of the vagina of the giant space-goddess in 1942!" shouted Weeks above the cacophony, which quickly died down. "Okay, that was going too far," admitted an embarrassed Weeks.

he Tuesday polls have closed, the ballots are still being counted, but estimates make the outcome clear: California has lost the recall election.

California voters turned out in record, ignorant numbers Oct. 7 to make their confused voices heard, and the answer was a resounding, "What's this all about again?" As voters chose to recall Gov. Gray Davis, elected only 11 months earlier, and replace him with female-violating, Hitler-loving pure beef slab Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Not that a truly inept politician can't ruin an entire political system in less than a year. The current president only needed 9 months before the world as we knew it fell into a shitcan. And Gray Davis, described by friends as "a necessary evil," probably deserved a good pink-slipping. But to replace the deviously crafty with the hopelessly out-of-their-league, a trend already set at the presidential level, left California in the position of the biggest loser in the U.S.

Early estimates show the recall winning by 55%, with Schwarzenegger leading the recall candidates by a sizable margin. Among the opponents not just doing it for shits and giggles, Lt. Gov. "Tom" Cruz Bustamente, Sen. Tom McClintock, apparently not the character from the John Wayne movie of the same name, and a Green Party candidate who pushed a referendum where new ballots were cast with hemp. Schwarzenegger's 7,000+ votes over the next nearest candidate was called "overwhelming" by some overly-excited reporters. After all, here is a difficult foreign name they already know how to pronounce.

McClintock conceded happily to his fellow plus-sized Republican, calling it a "great day for California."

"In response to a common danger, the people of California rose to their duties and ordered a new direction for our state," said the well-rehearsed GOP mouthpiece. The message on that direction couldn't be less clear: We want the dumbest, most sexually-excitable candidate who runs a chain of failed over-hyped restaurants to do for us what he did for The Last Action Hero.

The white media, plagued with their fascination with celebrity, lauded the Schwarzenegger victory in many subtle ways, some calling it a "Hollywood ending." Leaving one compelled to remind reporters Dr. Strangelove and Taxi Driver had Hollywood endings, too.

Exit polls showed many voters disappointed with the failure of Gray Davis to mend California's budget problems during his 11 months in office. "It's not like the whole country's in a recession here," said one angry voter, drooling on this reporter's tape recorder.

The results of the California recall do little to surprise most pollsters, who predicted the election weeks in advance with their preemptive announcement of recall results beforehand. When asked what features they were looking for in a state governor, most Californians cited a vague understanding of the problems afflicting the state, poor pronunciation of English, and having appeared in at least one horrible Batman movie.

In a concession speech, Gray Davis called for everyone to "get behind" the governor-elect. What Davis neglected to add, but surely was thinking, was either that, 1, you could then proceed to push him off a cliff and into the Pacific Ocean, or 2, he's a big guy and you'll need the shade when the air conditioning dies after every power grid goes out, you fickle yellow-bellied traitors.

Schwarzenegger's new lieutenant governor, a bronze bust of former president Ronald Reagan, could not be reached for comment, as it's incapable of speech.

"It's cold enough to make ice cubes in my ears, especially if you like ice cubes that double as candles."

Someone once said, "People will buy anything." He probably didn't think I heard him, he said it kind of under his breath after I finished purchasing a moped with no wheels from him, but whether he wanted me to hear or not, he was right. As the incident with my "noped" proves. It was as true in his time as it is in mine.

You got to give him credit, though, that guy was a good salesman, as well as a good philo softener. He could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, I bet, like the saying goes. But that makes sense, I guess. Even if they live in the cold weather it's probably pretty warm in the igloo, otherwise they would freeze do death. Even if it isn't, you've got to put your frozen hamburger somewhere, right? You don't want to just leave it lying around or put it in your underwear drawer. Like the health department guy told me, that's not sanitary.

I do wonder why people would live at the North Pole at all, or any of those Eskimo places. You got to imagine they're the ones who started all these rumors about Santa Claus. 'Cause let's face it, they lose Santa Claus, there's no reason for anybody to go see the North Pole. Just to say they went, I guess, but that means your tourist dollars are coming entirely from pricks. That would suck. Busloads of pricks coming into your frozen tundra every year, getting off wearing their big J. Crew winter parkas, looking around and saying, "Well, this is overrated." No wonder there's so much suicide in cold climates.

Not that I know much about Eskimos. I love the pie they make, but other than that I'm completely in the dark. Their asses and balls are cold, if what people say is true. Just like the well-diggers. I wonder if Eskimos ever thought about traveling south, where they could all get jobs as well-diggers. People are probably tired of the well-diggers complaining about how cold their asses and balls are, but the Eskimo just rolls in like, "Ha! This is cold? You sissy." Then they dig wells. They could make a killing. But really, I don't know how much money there is well-digging now that we can bottle water. All those Eskimos moving to New England for nothing, that would suck.

If someone can sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, I don't know if that makes them a terrific salesman, really. I don't know nothing about Eskimos. For a long time when people said that, "He could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo," I thought they were just saying Eskimos were crazy people. Living inside ice houses, buying refrigerators, eating whale ass. These fuckers were probably buying all sorts of shit they didn't need. Subscriptions to People, electric hat rack, radioactive butter. They were just crazy, but crazy in a cool way, like wild and can't be restrained.

Hence the phrase, "He fights like an Eskimo!" Which never caught on, no matter how I tried to drop it everywhere. Better luck next time.

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