You need a newer browser.

September 29, 2003   
The Official Website of the 2003 Olympics
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Democrat Debate Provides Bounty of Catchphrases
Slogan lovers clear winner in Thursday's face-off
September 29, 2003
New York City
Alton Onus
Nine Democratic candidates throw out their best puns and slogans for a Manhattan audience, with Howard Dean occupying the popular center square position. Tenth candidate something Graham is not pictured, and truthfully we were lucky to remember the name at all.
T
hursday's meeting of the minds between the ten prominent candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination at Manhattan's Pace University may not have provided a clear front-runner, but it did haul in a net full of fresh catchphrases. All candidates involved tried to sum up the complicated problems of the U.S. and international affairs into humorous phrases or puns, jabbing incessantly at each other's records and universally condemning President Bush as a major jerkoff.

The lead attraction for the afternoon, besides the boyish good looks of Sen. John Edwards, was the debut of retired Army Gen. Wesley Clark. The former NATO commander lobbed the first polite volley of the day with his backhanded compliment in opening remarks: "I'm happy to join such an esteemed group of Dem...Read more...

Schwarzenegger Adds Bust of Reagan to Campaign

Bronze representation of ex-president given prominent position
September 29, 2003
Los Angeles, California
Whit Pistol
Schwarzenegger and the lifeless bust of Ronald Reagan (right) make a campaign stop to rally voters to the recall candidate's side.
A
fter failing to impress voters with his thick accent and scripted responses in Wednesday's California Governor debate, famous Aryan Arnold Schwarzenegger announced a new addition to his campaign Friday: A bust of former president and oppressor Ronald Reagan.

The bust, a one-foot sculpture of the B-movie actor and monkey sidekick, is apparently bronze in nature and a perfect representation of the ex-president since it no longer smiles either. The real Reagan, a senile old fart who hasn't made a public appearance in a decade, could not be reached for comment.

Schwarzenegger made the announcement at a press conference on the afternoon of Sept. 26, at a small charity dinner the press were barred from attending. Reading from his teleprompter, America's purest white m...Read more...

Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad
Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead
Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



September 29, 2003
Click for Biography

64 Bits in a Two-Bit World

Advanced Micro Devices stunned the easily-stunned information technology world on Sept. 23 with the announcement it would again raise stakes against leading microprocessor marketer Intel with its 64-bit processor, which I here dub "the überprocessor."

Bold words, considering I made them up. Challenging the industry leader with a giant step forward for the home computer processor market is a risk-all venture for a trailing competitor. If they made awards in the shape of me I would award it to AMD for balls alone. Then, I would take two of the awards and battle them against each other to the death—best Bagel wins. But this fails to answer the question: Is the world ready for 64-bit processors?

I thought so, and that was enough for me. Then I spoke to a computer...Read more...

º Last Column: Talking to Your Kids About September 11
º more columns







Quote of the Day
“When you wish upon a star… doesn't that burn like a motherfucker? Those things are basically like other suns. Me, I do all my wishing on the floor of my bedroom.”

-"Cricket-Bat" Nigel Jiminy
Fortune 500 Cookie
Your future lies in Clearasil, now and forever. Having Carrot Top fill in for you at the anchor desk Tuesday might just end your career. Why is more than one sheep still called sheep? And why are they so damned affectionate? You're going to regret correcting Randy Savage's grammar before the week is done. Saturday: Fish or die.


Try again later.
Unlikeliest Candidates for New Pope
1.Joe Piscopo (Hereby known as Joe Piscopope)
2.Winner of three-man guitar contest between Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, and Joe Satriani
3.Real Pope, once impostor is out of the way
4.Pope's son Iggy Pope
5.Jimmy Cutler, winner of 2002 American Pope reality show contest, waiting all this time for his big chance
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

U.K. Earns Most-Hammered Nation Status

View Past Columns
BY newman kaputnick
9/29/2003
So Cold Blooded
Virgil Knotts was born at thirteen years old in Orange Valley, Montana. Being born so old, he was noticeably bigger than the other boys, and always felt like an outcast. Friends and classmates would describe Knotts as a ìquiet boy, a loner who kept to himself a lot.î Knotts would then sneak up on the classmates and kick the crap out of them for talking about him.


Knottsí predilection for sudden, unyielding violence and his fondness for comic books made him a natural companion for Ornery Wilpott. Wilpott was the son of a military family, a battalion of 24 men who mistakenly adopted the child when they accidentally filled out the wrong papers to return a gift. Wilpott moved around quite a bit growing up and never made many friends until reaching Orange Valley. Knotts an...Read more...