fter failing to impress voters with his thick accent and scripted responses in Wednesday's California Governor debate, famous Aryan Arnold Schwarzenegger announced a new addition to his campaign Friday: A bust of former president and oppressor Ronald Reagan.

The bust, a one-foot sculpture of the B-movie actor and monkey sidekick, is apparently bronze in nature and a perfect representation of the ex-president since it no longer smiles either. The real Reagan, a senile old fart who hasn't made a public appearance in a decade, could not be reached for comment.

Schwarzenegger made the announcement at a press conference on the afternoon of Sept. 26, at a small charity dinner the press were barred from attending. Reading from his teleprompter, America's purest white man told cameras in a sealed room somewhere, "Ronald Reagan was good for America. Arnold Schwarzenegger is good for America. We are a team, me and the statue. I hate to be the bad guy who meets us in a dark alley."

The addition of the paperweight to the campaign followed several recent additions to the Schwarzenegger team, including Rob Lowe and, most recently, Republican Bill Simon. Schwarzenegger is likely trying to keep heat on his campaign after taking recent hits on his views on sisters and a poor showing in Wednesday's recall election candidate debate. Bringing on an image of the popular former president could tie Schwarzenegger's campaign to Reagan's success in the minds of Californians already beat into submission by endless recall election coverage.

Critics call the addition a misguided attempt to liven up a very uncreative campaign. Schwarzenegger's celebrity and deep pockets have failed to buy him much good press in his candidacy, and his numbers with female voters have failed to grow following the revelation of misogynistic statements he made in a 1970s poontang magazine. Women also failed to come around to Schwarzenegger's campaigns after he threatened to kill fellow recall candidate Ariana Huffington Wednesday night. Representatives of women voters were also not impressed when Schwarzenegger offered to make a pinup of Stephanie Seymour a consultant to his campaign.

However, in all the clamor about the importance of women in the California recall race, little attention has been paid to the black voter. the commune attempted to contact the League of African-American Voters of California only to find out there wasn't one. In fact, records indicate there are only 14 registered black voters in the state. Of those, four are rap stars, three are actors, and five are the starting lineup of the Lakers. The remaining two were other California recall candidates.

An insider in the Austrian-American's candidacy say the bust of Reagan will mostly be a figurehead in the Schwarzenegger campaign, but if it has any valid suggestions they will be taken into consideration. The advantage, he said, of having an inorganic chunk of metal occupying a role in the campaign is that, once elected, it does not have to be given a cabinet position. Schwarzenegger is not ruling out making the bust lieutenant governor, though.

report published by Downing Street’s strategy unit found the whole of Britain utterly plastered last week, surprising government officials who thought the nation only mostly drunk. The study, originally intended to determine public opinion toward new traffic-reduction measures in downtown London, shocked researchers by revealing that the entire British populace, to a man, was too drunk to talk about traffic.

The study found British binge drinking had increased to 100 percent, and added that British children under 16 are drinking twice as much as they did 10 years ago. Some blame the government’s “Our kids: Tomorrow’s drunks, today!� poster campaign for this increase, while others lay the blame on all the kids getting shitfaced everywhere. The study is also thought to have amassed a world-record assemblage of unintelligible British quotes.

“Aye mum, ‘ow ‘bout a pint, ey?� asked six-year-old Roary Willis of Liverpool when confronted with the study’s findings.

The numbers also show that women are drinking more, and falling out of moving cars at a record rate. Asked to comment on increased alcohol consumption among British women, housewife Mary Willis mused “Well, frans maston ralf nay, eh hay!� while filling a spillproof cup with Newcastle.

The study also found increased rates of public singing of fight songs, “dunking,� as defined by throwing chickens into public fountains, and an increased enthusiasm for camping, as defined by sleeping outside.

Not all Britons were pleased with the study’s findings.

“We need to create a more civilized late-night culture! Dear God do we… It should be about cinema, and theater… uh, and bowling,� said British bowling director Rodden Blears, wincing remorsefully as he nursed a cup of black coffee.

“Aye bawlin!� slurred nearby reveler Drew Jaehnig, grabbing his package. “Fock ryte! Boost me liney shaynt chans, ha ha! I’ll go bawlin wit me dyke inna cont’s hat! Ha ha!�

The study found that Britain loses 17 million workdays every year to hangovers, fuck-offs and vomit-related drownings, the equivalent of 46,000 years spent sleeping under a table in the lobby of a strange hotel. The figure represents more than double the nation’s actual recorded workdays.

These findings put Britain out to a comfortable lead as the most-drunk nation, topping perennial drunken powerhouses Sweden, Denmark and Germany, which recently became less drunk thanks to a U.N. intervention.

“Hammel geinen fausteneininin…� giggled German bricklayer Hans Slomein, blowing at a feather stuck in his beard when asked about his nation’s alcohol consumption.

Government officials for the other most-drunk countries can only speculate what effect these findings will have on their now runner-up nations. German and Swedish officials could not be rousted from bed for comment, but officials from Denmark asked the commune to remember last year’s U.N. General Assembly, when Danish representative Lars Faaborg-Andersen pissed himself while holding a hot dog to his crotch, when considering Denmark’s drunken staying power.

I can't wait to be a video game.

Didn't you hear already? I know most of you, I heard "web-literate" is the nice way to say it, are all about video games. So I figure most of you know. In case you didn't, I'm on my way to being a video game!

It's not for my outstanding columning, or for my world-famous role in Who's Your Daddy? Not even for my movies. I'm being rewarded long-lasting video game fame thanks to my part in the Metallichick comic book.

At long last, some lasting legacy for Clarissa Coleman! I don't have to worry about being locked into the '80s because of my stupid TV roles or movie appearances. I'll be timeless, like Ms. Pac-Man. Of course, it's just called Metallichick, but by the time I get done telling everybody it won't be a mystery who provides that unmistakable image for Metallichick, as well as the voice.

It took some convincing, I had to pull some strings with Nat Herschel, the creator of Metallichick, but I convinced him it was good for all involved if I did the voice for Metallichick, too. I told him I knew the character inside and out, I had devoted a lot of work to developing her personality—how she arched her back, why she stuck her ass out so far when holding her sword, all kinds of stuff. I even told him I came up with a backstory of how she keeps her costume in place, like they evolved past duct tape in the future she lives in. Of course, I didn't, but you got to be smooth with these creative types to get future work.

I got to go out to this studio in New Jersey and record the video game character's voice, and it takes a whole shitload of time. I've done DVD commentaries before and even did some voice work, once in a while. None of it compares to all the video game voice work. Apparently these characters talk a whole fucking lot. They open a box and just say what they found, all sorts of dumb stuff. No one does that in the real world. Well, my dad does, but no one else. Every video game shouldn't be about my dad.

I try to inject some realism here and there, but these video game directors are harder than real ones. Here's a pop quiz: You get shot with a laser blast or chopped with a sword, which are you more likely to say? "Aaarrgh!" (extra stress on the 'g'), or "Fuck, dude!" If you said the second one, give up on a career doing video game voices. They would not have it. And apparently it's more fashionable when you're slaying baddies to shout, "Let my sword guide you to hell!" instead of, "Boo-yah, bitch! Hope you got Medicare!"

Which is why I tried to tell them about my idea for a video game. This whole "sword and sci-fi" crap is okay, but you're just giving folks what they already have tons of. Comic book video games have seen their day. Celebrity video games are the way of the future. I know if I wanted to have real fun I would rather live a day in my life than some sorceress with a broadsword.

We could do all kinds of crazy shit. I wake up, can't find the cereal, it's like a little adventure until I remember I poured it over my mashed potatoes the night before and it's in the living room. My agent phones and I have to hear about his glory days when he used to manage Liza Minnelli, and I try to get him off the phone before my boredom level kills me. Ramrod Hurley calls and tells me the commune needs its column by 5 and I have to whip out some bullshit in ten minutes or risk losing that fat paycheck and primo exposure.

Too real, that's what the video game dorks told me. The world isn't ready for reality yet. I suppose I'd have to agree. Some days I can't even handle it.

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