Bin Laden Video Just a Greatest Hits Compilation

Critics slam latest uninspired release

September 15, 2003

Washington, D.C.

Al-jolsenzeera

The recently released bin Laden video only contained familiar footage, including bin Laden's trademark "Obi-Wan Pimp Walk".

n Al-Qaeda video airing on Al-Jazeera Wednesday not only failed to impress virtually everyone, it also failed to thank President George W. Bush for all his subversive efforts to help rebuild the terrorist organization.

The tape, slammed by critics as a "greatest hits collection of the usual dreck," featured an undated cameo by terrorist favorite Osama bin Laden and a lot of voicing over by Al-Qaeda's number two shit Ayman al-Zawahri. The video exhibited a friendlier sort of Al-Qaeda, with no direct threats to the U.S. "infidels" but promising that current battles were only the beginning and "the true epic has not begun," proving to all that the tape was at least recent enough to cop from the new Matrix sequel.

The only footage of Osama bin Laden showed the Al-Qaeda figurehead appearing older, but could not be pegged for a date. The world's number one prick was shown frolicking around with henchman al-Zawahri along the mountainside like a homosexual Captain and Tennille.

Though reference was made to the Iraq war, it may have been to one of several Iraq wars in which "agents of America" invaded the country. Neither was thanks given to American president George Bush for raising Al-Qaeda popularity to unimagined heights in Iraq by bombing that country into a primitive agricultural state. The death of thousands of Iraqis and the devastation of the country's infrastructure have done more to raise recruitment for the terrorist group than any post- or pre-Sept. 11 attacks.

Some, like this reporter, would suggest that Al-Qaeda and the Bush presidency have been mutually beneficial to each other, especially given the intention by bin Laden to invoke a harsh U.S. response to help the Arab world rally behind him. But the increasing power of terrorism hasn't just been beneficial to bin Laden and associates, but also to the administration, which still rates high approval numbers when it comes to defense and being tough on terrorism.

When questioned on the veracity of the recent bin Laden video, the president asked for a definition of veracity. Then, gesturing toward the footage of bin Laden and al-Zawahri, Bush stated, "The beard looks real to me."

"Having released tons of audio recordings in the years since 2001, Osama bin Laden risks market saturation," said VH-1 video producer Deanne Holcomb, who was contacted in an effort to fill out the story. "That may have been a consideration in only appearing as a cameo in this recent release by al-Zawahri. Personally, I would have gone in another direction, maybe Missy Elliot, but bin Laden is really popular with the Al-Jazeera demographics. BeyoncÃ© maybe. BeyoncÃ© is huge right now. But as I was saying, having such a small part for bin Laden does raise questions about the Al-Qaeda leader, such as if he's out of practice, or gotten fat. He could be dead, I suppose, there were a lot of bombs dropped in attempts to kill him. Kid Rock! Now that might have really sold it."

President Bush fired back in a speech to the ten American people watching the Sept. 7 televised address. Though failing to mention the weapons of mass destruction supposedly hoarded by Saddam Hussein or a projected date for troops to return from Iraq, the president did assure everyone that terrorism was still alive and thriving and nobody can let their guard down for ten seconds. And by the way, they need $87 billion more dollars, if you can spare it.

the commune news, now with more cushion for the pushin'. Raoul Dunkin is a reporter of some kind on our staff and a major influence on the invention of birth control.

Arafat Accepts Blaine Challenge

Palestinian to endure survival test, piss-off Israel

September 15, 2003

London, England

Whit Pistol

On his way back into crawl space to begin test of will, Arafat leaves supporters with one last taste of his world-famous Nixon impression.

n Friday afternoon Yassir Arafat promised to go without food for 50 days, and resist ousting by Israeli forces. The pledge follows a statement by Israel that they will remove Arafat, calling him an "impediment to peace," and a challenge by street magician David Blaine who called Arafat, "all dick and no balls."

The Blaine taunt is a latest in an underreported rivalry between the Palestinian leader and the American illusionist. After 2001 show of endurance in which Blaine remained encased in a block of ice for days, Arafat reputedly called Blaine a "big fakecicle." Blaine angrily invited Arafat to out-do his endurance test, and the Palestinian leader responded by sealing himself in his compound in the West Bank under Israeli assault and hasn't been outside but briefly since for almost two years. A courier allegedly carried a hand-scrawled note from Arafat to Blaine, reading, "How you like them apples?"

Them apples Blaine did not like apparently, as he began his most recent stunt Sept. 6, staying in a suspended see-through box hanging over London and going without food for 44 days. When Blaine's safety monitors were asked why 44 days specifically, they told reporters it was the scientifically-calculated limit a man could survive before his last few fans lost complete interest.

Not to be outdone, Arafat again pressed forward with some help for old nemesis Israel, promising to lock himself up in a tiny crawlspace and going without food for a full 50 days. Skeptics and people who don't like him say it is madness to attempt to live without food, surviving only on water and whatever's left in his beard for that long.

Unlike Blaine, Arafat was not a prick about granting interviews to reporters. When questioned about the troubles his organization and himself are facing from Israel, Arafat responded: "It is a very small crawlspace. Very tiny and cramped. I can barely move in there, and only meditation and praying to Allah can take my mind of the severe discomfort. Since I have only started, it is not so bad right now. But within a few days I will be in for a real hurtin', boys."

Arafat invites fans to check in on him at his website www.yassirthatsmybaby.com, while Blaine is invited to sniff his hairy backside. A webcam was installed in the crawlspace so fans can make sure Arafat is not pulling a fast one and sneaking out on the side for a bite of McDonald's.

Professor Ebb Wright, from Oxford's Department of Middle Eastern Politics and Magic, explains the difficulties ahead for the Palestinian.

"It is a quite difficult and politically deft maneuver at the same time," said Wright, digging the lint from his navel and making it into a little man. "On the one hand, it will be quite a feat to survive so long on a minimal of food, to maintain one's mind and body with so little fuel. On the other hand, it's politically brilliant because Arafat can rally the support of the rest of the world and still take calls of support. However, if one is busy building a coalition to prevent military incursion, it distracts from the various Eastern trances Arafat could be using to release his mind from his body."

Intrigued, this reporter accepted an invitation to try repeating Arafat's stunt in a crawlspace in the professor's office. Though he was kind enough to transcribe the preceding article, he was unable to help this reporter free himself again.

the commune news has considered locking ourselves in our offices to survive on only what's presently here, but decided we'd save it for the inevitable FBI standoff. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune's foreign correspondent and it's a rarity he's able to get two articles turned in without requiring hospitalization.

Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead

Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home

Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around

September 15, 2003

Faster Than a Speeding Pile of Shit

the commune's Omar Bricks is a buyer bewares

Well, the good news is that I'm sitting pretty in the car-fund department thanks to my monster windfall from the raffle, a.k.a. "The Great Downtown Bingo Fire of 2003." And even better, I've been cleared of any wrongdoing thanks to my clever use of the fake name Homer Bicks on all the official paperwork, and the fact that I wore a very distracting Bob Dole mask the whole time I was down there. It was doubly distracting since half of everybody thought it was a Raul Julia mask, and they were all arguing about if he'd died or if that was just some Hollywood publicity gimmick to help promote the next Addams Family movie, The Addams Family Vs. The Manson Family. Personally, I thought it was a damned good Bob Dole mask, but it was pretty dinged up from some bachelor party action so that m...

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Americans Kind of Disappointed Al-Qaeda Hasn't Struck Again

BY orson welch

9/15/2003

Hello commune readers, and welcome to mile three of the Orson Welch movie-review marathon. Can we make it to the finish line? Nobody knows, and even fewer care, but still we trek bravely onward. Not even the howls of derisive mockery, nor the constant flood of hateful emails can get us down. Nor being refused entry to the commune's main offices for not "feeling like a nut" and then returning to our mother's car to find it literally wallpapered with parking tickets, as if parking on top of the median is on par with a serious act of terrorism. Nay, commune readers, we shant be dissuaded, so stop trying to dissuade usâ€¦ meaning yourselvesâ€¦ okay, meaning me. Quit fucking with me. I'm just trying to do my job here, and your precious idiot-savant Roland McShyster isn't back yet, so just step off my jock and let's be civil about this, okay? Great. Now for the movies.

In Theaters

Cabin Fever

According to the note Roland McShyster left on my windshield, Cabin Fever is "The taxi-cab industry's winningly botched attempt at creating a new cultural fad, making kids think it's cool to take a cab absolutely everywhere, even to cross the street to get a newspaper." Right. I can see why you people love this guy so much. Morons.

In actuality, Cabin Fever is a bastardized cross between The Blair Witch Project and 28 Days Later, two bastards who certainly didn't need to cross-breed. Look, any time a movie's selling point is "at least it didn't cost much to make," you know you're in trouble. See Robert Rodriguez, below.

Matchstick Men

So Ted Griffin wakes up one morning, and realizes "Oh shit, I wrote Ravenous!" Thank God nobody noticed. But just to be on the safe side, he hurries up and writes Best Laid Plans and Ocean's Eleven to cover his tracks. Good move. Keep 'em laughing about that Ted Nugent's shirt joke and nobody will bother to ask where exactly you came from. And now you can stop padding your resume by pointing out that your grandma was in Jazz Mad back in 1928. Bonus.

But then Ted finally breaks down and listens to his brother Nick's stupid idea for a movie called Matchbox Men about some little tiny guys who drive those die-cast toy cars, which he's been going on about for years. And in a moment of fraternal weakness, Ted actually agrees to co-write the movie with his brother, on the condition that they drop the stupid slot-car angle. Bad move. I mean, good that they dropped the slot cars, bad that they wrote the movie at all. How either of these guys is related to Ridley Scott is anybody's guess, but he must've got too comfortable thinking people had finally forgotten about Legend and he could safely squeak out another turd here. Look for all these guys to do some great work in the near future to try and cover up this burnt spot on the rug.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico

Here's an interesting question: How do you follow up a movie that's famous for being made on a shoestring budget of $7,000 you earned by selling your body to science? If you're Robert Rodriguez and the movie is 1992's El Mariachi, you spend another $7,000 on a mediocre sequel and save the rest of your Hollywood budget to secretly make a bizarre spy movie starring your neighbor's kids. Hollywood caught on, of course, and as punishment made Rodriguez direct The Faculty in 1998, even sneaking Bebe Neuwirth into the cast as a not-so-subtle "fuck you" to Rodriguez. The director got the last laugh however, when his spy movie hit a Teletubbied nerve and Spy Kids was a hit, spawning two sequels. And as the final cumshot in Hollywood's marmalade, Rodriguez has made another El Mariachi sequel, yet again for $7,000, and has spent the rest of the budget fixing up his house. Now I'm not saying you should go see the movie, but you've got to admire those balls.

Secondhand Lions

Okay, first off: Contrary to the message Roland McShyster has been leaving on various office voice mails, this picture is not a pathetic biopic of pathetic film critic Jeffrey Lyons. Though, admittedly, it would probably have been better if it were. Instead, it's a piece of hilarious shit that tries to pass off the anthropologically old Robert Duvall and Michael Caine as endearing elderly gay curmudgeons charged with raising a precocious young tyke played with Haley Joel Osment. Thanks to the combined age and lifeless performance of his co-stars, I think it's safe to say that Osment is, yet again, seeing dead people. About as likeable as someone else's anal cavity, Secondhand Lions will leave you wanting more, more reasons to live and for the love of God keep 'em coming fast.

Underworld

Here's a "chicken-or-the-egg?" riddle for you: Did the fact that Len Wiseman is engaged to Kate Beckinsale get the former prop-lackey his first real gig, writing and directing the bad rubber-werewolf opus Underworld? Or was it Wiseman's involvement that dragged actress Beckinsale into the project and Ike Turnered her into accepting the lead role? If the later is true, we can only imagine what Wiseman talks Beckinsale into in bed, good gravy! The formerly sort of respectable cockney chick-flick queen takes a running broad jump into poop with this ill-advised comic book romp, based on somebody's stoned idea of what a comic book about Halloween would be like. Cross The Matrix with Dark City and Bram Stoker's Dracula, then have somebody with a serious head injury try to tell you about all three of them at once, and you'll have something close to Underworld. Only that would be better since it probably wouldn't take two hours or cost eight bucks. The choice is yours.

That's all we've got to sink our fangs into this week, commune readers. Here's hoping you find something tangy to suck on until next issue's column. Until then, I'll be keeping my fingertips peeled bringing you the sad, sad best Hollywood has to offer. Take care!