he White House, home of the White, faced a major embarrassment this week when a release by the president's private probe into the power failures of two weeks ago pointed to a most uncomfortable source—Dick. Indeed, Vice President Dick Cheney was singled out as the leading cause of the energy problem that left multiple states in periods of blackout.

It ended a troubling week for the Vice President, whose office was accused of holding out information on an energy probe Monday by refusing to turn over documents vital to the investigation. The General Accounting Office reported the administration met with a succession of energy lobbyists, to the complete and total surprise of Americans everywhere, but the extent of corporate involvement in energy policymaking could not be verified without the documents withheld by the Vice President.

The latest revelation of Cheney's involvement in energy problems could adversely affect his position on the 2004 Republican ticket. The president's probe, inserted deep inside the problem, made note of several private excesses that may have led to the undue strain on the northeastern power grids. Cheney officials confirmed Friday that the Vice President's quarters in the White House is the only one plugged into the northeastern power grid, pointing out that the Vice President's power needs "cannot be satisfied by the piddlin'-ass power grid currently supplying the D.C. area."

One of the power offenses Cheney is accused of includes the employ of an industrial-grade air conditioner used solely for the Vice President's bedroom. Some say the personal air conditioner is the only 90-million BTU unit made for personal use. Vice Presidential spokesperson Canton Canby only responded to the allegation by claiming, "The VP likes to walk around naked."

Close investigation by the probe, under the guidance of Neilson "Soft Crust" Reilly, revealed that virtually nothing in the Vice President's White House quarters were not temperature-regulated. His personal pool and hot tub were heated, and his private work-out room, never used, we can guess, was cooled. Documentation also proves the VP had his sauna air conditioned and his refrigerator heated, as the best way to keep balanced temperatures to all things. Personal assistant Canby did not find the temperature regulation obsession strange.

"Well, maybe to the working man that sounds like an odd thing, but I know if I were doing work as important as the Vice President, I certainly wouldn't want to be worried about how hot or cold my fridge needed to be to enjoy a frosty beverage when I got home from the Middle East or wherever he's gone off to."

Among the more alarming findings of the probe were hospital-grade shock paddles. Canby, now sweating and in need of an industrial-strength air conditioner himself, found nothing odd about the frequently-used paddles, employed by the VP sometimes up to six times a day.

"What? So you got to be dead to want a charge from those things? There's no law says you got to be dead. The Vice President got used to the jump start you get from absorbing electricity straight into the body. There's no law against it and at the time we weren't under orders to conserve energy. Get off the guy's back. Sometimes his heart needs a little warning blast to know to keep doing its job, if it knows what's good for it."

Canby refused to answer further questions on the probe's accusations, waiting to receive the results from a probe conducted by the Vice President's wife, Lynn Cheney, under the objective to find out who left all these lights on in here.

e's brash, he's young, at least in comparison to some other congressman, and he's dangerous. Really dangerous. Seriously, he was recently charged with manslaughter in the death of another motorist. He's South Dakota Representative Bill Janklow, and he's emerging as one of a new breed of rebellious new legislators everyone's talking about.

Authorities charged Janklow Friday with second-degree manslaughter following an Aug. 16 accident when the congressional hellion ran a stop sign traveling at speeds in excess of 70 mph in a 55-mph zone. Whether Janklow was speeding to a hot-to-trot lobbyists' convention or fleeing a savage pack of political paparazzi could not be discerned at press time, but rumors abounded.

Janklow is one of a bold new wave of congressmen creating new political fads. In modern America, where the average fair-weather voter is stuck in the middle of the road and too overweight to drag himself out, Janklow and his posse all have their staunch far-wing opinions—just don't ask them what they are! In fact, Janklow has refused to even identify where he stands on major issues to his own constituency—preferring to sell them the new favorite platform of improved standards of living and honesty and integrity in representation, as long as they don't want details on how we get those things. But make no mistake, his voting record demonstrates he's a Republican—hardcore, motherfucker! Janklow may be the quiet, shy type, but he's not afraid to tow the party line when it comes to the voting floor.

The South Dakota legislator has earned the nickname among associates as "Bad Billy" for his spotty driving record, his pro-GOP voting record, and his hygiene. Consumer activist and delusional Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader sent a strongly-worded letter to Janklow requesting his resignation. The incident was described by Nader as "the taking of life by a driver relentlessly bent on turning his vehicle into a lawless, dangerous missile," the Unsafe at Any Speed author wrote in his trademark prose bursting with sensuality.

"Dangerous? Definitely. Boring? Never!" sassed Belfront Herb, responding to questions no one asked. The gossip columnist and Washington (D.C.) insider is also the editor and only contributor to the underground political scandal zine Filibuster, and they've made Janklow their "Hunk o' the Month."

"He's not all talk like those stodgy old senators, and he may not be on the popular committees, but he's hot stuff in the 108th!" claimed the girlish fop. "A lot of naysayers will tell you he's another blend-into-the-background representative, and all his misbehaviour is a failed attempt to stand out. But I'm telling you, and you heard it here from me first, Boomer—we've got another Ted Kennedy on our hands. A future Bob Dole or Jesse Helms. I would say one day the name Bill Janklow will hang in the Congressional Hall of Fame next to Henry Clay. But since they're all in alphabetical order that will really throw the whole scheme out of whack."

This reporter attempted to remind the funny-but-not-in-a-ha-ha-way Washington insider the congressman is facing felony charges with a 10-year minimum sentence, but he refused to address the issue. Unwanted sexual advances forced the interview to conclude early, and the calls at the commune offices have yet to stop.

Hello persons. Is so hot.

Oh God is so hot for Boris. Is so hot Boris ballsack is boiling. Is not good thing this hot.

In homeland, when is so hot Boris does go in pond with straw to stick up for breathing. But Louis say this is no good idea in America because dirty pond will make Boris into monster. So sad.

Is so hot Boris stick to couch like person with Velcro ass. So embarrassing when Louis run in to see why all the screaming and is just Boris tries to get off couch to go in bathroom.

Boris say for Louis please to get the goddamn airconditioner so is not apartment of hot death, but Louis doesn't not care. Robots has no thing to tell them is hot and them is going to die. No little voice thing like Boris have which say "Boris, is so hot you are not happy, time to make underwear of ice cube trays." But even Louis take away these happy cold pants because Boris is assing up all ice cubes and dripping wet on couch.

Only person more hot than Boris is Similar to Skippy dog, who is not robot and also is hot from wearing fur hat all the times. Louis try to take away hat but Similar to Skippy will never take it off no times. Dog does love this hat, strange thing. Louis say he is to make goddamn fur hat out of stupid dog, and Boris think he is meaning Similar to Skippy. Funny to think of hat made of dog wearing fur hat, like Jack-in-My-Box who is holding little tiny Jack-in-My-Box. Is crazy puzzle thing like questions for thinking.

Boris like these question things, like "What is sound of tree in woods?" Boris does not know! Is so funny. Boris does listen to trees but they are not making loud sound like motorcycle or talking. Crazy thing to think of.

Other question is like "Who is clapping Boris hand?" This is other thing Boris does not know. When Boris is happy at thing and clapping, there is hand hitting Boris hand, but where is this hand come from? Oh, look quick! Is Boris hand! But what hand is this Boris hand does hit? Watch, is also Boris hand! But now which is first hand? Is so impossible to watch both hands all the time, cannot say where other hand coming from. Crazy thing to keep Boris up at night.

Boris say no way to sleeping when is so hot. Little Boris room with hanging up coats get so sweaty and smell like malted balls all the time, no good. Boris think to put swimming pool in room, but Louis say is no space for such thing because Louis shoes all go in water with Boris. Is not so bad, says Boris. And shoes are clean! But Louis does not think shoes are clean and Boris must say goodbye to Spongebob bedroom pool thing. So sad, goodbye Spongebob.

But no crying for Boris, for is answer to sleeping problem at mall. Boris find out there is little Boris rooms in that place where some persons does try on clothes, and is perfect place for sleeping when is hot. Boris is like wild animal who does find good things wandering around place, so smart. Hooray for smart!

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