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Bad Boy Congressman Can't Drive 55South Dakota Representative hell on wheels, says local fuzz September 1, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Courtesy Tiger Lobby Magazine Ooo! Careful, girls! This one doesn't obey the laws, he just makes 'em!
Authorities charged Janklow Friday with second-degree manslaughter following an Aug. 16 accident when the congressional hellion ran a stop sign traveling at speeds in excess of 70 mph in a 55-mph zone. Whether Janklow was speeding to a hot-to-trot lobbyists' convention or fleeing a savage pack of political paparazzi could not be discerned at press time, but rumors abounded.
Janklow is one of a bold new wave of congressmen creat...
e's brash, he's young, at least in comparison to some other congressman, and he's dangerous. Really dangerous. Seriously, he was recently charged with manslaughter in the death of another motorist. He's South Dakota Representative Bill Janklow, and he's emerging as one of a new breed of rebellious new legislators everyone's talking about.
Authorities charged Janklow Friday with second-degree manslaughter following an Aug. 16 accident when the congressional hellion ran a stop sign traveling at speeds in excess of 70 mph in a 55-mph zone. Whether Janklow was speeding to a hot-to-trot lobbyists' convention or fleeing a savage pack of political paparazzi could not be discerned at press time, but rumors abounded.
Janklow is one of a bold new wave of congressmen creating new political fads. In modern America, where the average fair-weather voter is stuck in the middle of the road and too overweight to drag himself out, Janklow and his posse all have their staunch far-wing opinions—just don't ask them what they are! In fact, Janklow has refused to even identify where he stands on major issues to his own constituency—preferring to sell them the new favorite platform of improved standards of living and honesty and integrity in representation, as long as they don't want details on how we get those things. But make no mistake, his voting record demonstrates he's a Republican—hardcore, motherfucker! Janklow may be the quiet, shy type, but he's not afraid to tow the party line when it comes to the voting floor.
The South Dakota legislator has earned the nickname among associates as "Bad Billy" for his spotty driving record, his pro-GOP voting record, and his hygiene. Consumer activist and delusional Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader sent a strongly-worded letter to Janklow requesting his resignation. The incident was described by Nader as "the taking of life by a driver relentlessly bent on turning his vehicle into a lawless, dangerous missile," the Unsafe at Any Speed author wrote in his trademark prose bursting with sensuality.
"Dangerous? Definitely. Boring? Never!" sassed Belfront Herb, responding to questions no one asked. The gossip columnist and Washington (D.C.) insider is also the editor and only contributor to the underground political scandal zine Filibuster, and they've made Janklow their "Hunk o' the Month."
"He's not all talk like those stodgy old senators, and he may not be on the popular committees, but he's hot stuff in the 108th!" claimed the girlish fop. "A lot of naysayers will tell you he's another blend-into-the-background representative, and all his misbehaviour is a failed attempt to stand out. But I'm telling you, and you heard it here from me first, Boomer—we've got another Ted Kennedy on our hands. A future Bob Dole or Jesse Helms. I would say one day the name Bill Janklow will hang in the Congressional Hall of Fame next to Henry Clay. But since they're all in alphabetical order that will really throw the whole scheme out of whack."
This reporter attempted to remind the funny-but-not-in-a-ha-ha-way Washington insider the congressman is facing felony charges with a 10-year minimum sentence, but he refused to address the issue. Unwanted sexual advances forced the interview to conclude early, and the calls at the commune offices have yet to stop. the commune news is bad, but not like a good funk band is bad, more like a three-day-old fish sandwich is bad. Boner Cunningham is our teen correspondent, and makes bad look pretty good and worse look like it's gotten better.
 | M-TV Accidentally Honors 9/11 Hijackers September 1, 2003 |
New York, NY SHEIK OMAR BAKRI Bakri’s cover for the nonexistent award-winning album
The show’s highlights were many and varied, including Madonna swapping STDs with Britney and Christina, rapper 50 Cent being shot 15 times during the ceremony but still returning for his musical performance, and Johnny Cash pulling a no-show, doing little to dispel most viewers’ assumptions that he died ten years ago. Host Chris Rock kept the show moving along at a rapid clip, and kept it funny by refusing to pretend that any of the nominated acts ...
he 20th Annual M-TV Video Music Awards, held last Thursday night at New York’s Radio City Music Hall, served up its usual yearly helping of toned abs, wild costumes and music playing somewhere in the background, as expected. But viewers and M-TV executives alike were also treated to a surprise that few could have anticipated. The show’s highlights were many and varied, including Madonna swapping STDs with Britney and Christina, rapper 50 Cent being shot 15 times during the ceremony but still returning for his musical performance, and Johnny Cash pulling a no-show, doing little to dispel most viewers’ assumptions that he died ten years ago. Host Chris Rock kept the show moving along at a rapid clip, and kept it funny by refusing to pretend that any of the nominated acts were any more than marginally talented. In fact, the show took on such a party atmosphere that few even noticed when a diminutive Arab man named Sheik Omar Bakri accepted the award for Best New Artist for his album “Magnificent 19,” peppering the crowd with epithets during his acceptance speech in an accent so thick it could’ve shrouded an iceberg from an ocean liner. Many assumed Bakri was simply rapper Eminem’s newest protégé, failing to recognize him as the head of the radical Islamic group Al-Muhajiroun. “That Sheik Omar was ate up,” gushed Smurf-like crooner Justin Timberlake. “Boy was so drunk he was talkin’ in tongues and shit. I can see why his fans is mad for him, that was righteous.” In actuality, Sheik Bakri’s speech was the culmination of several months of planning by Al-Muhajiroun, whose members had infiltrated M-TV as interns and were able to slip Bakri’s non-existent album in as the Best New Artist winner in a tribute to the 19 hijackers who died on September 11th. “The word magnificent is to attract if you like really the attention of the people to those particular 19 Muslims who in our eyes we see as Muslims what really they are — they are more than magnificent,” Sheik Bakri said, sort of in English. “In our eyes, they are the people who sacrifice their own life and that’s the most valuable thing and they offer it. It must be for a good reason. It must be for divine reason.” Bakri may have misinterpreted the Video Music Awards crowd’s reaction to his remarks during the show, saying “the many Muslims present celebrated the comeuppance of the U.S.A.,” when in fact the crowd was cheering because Britney Spears’ cooch was momentarily visible on the big screen. Bakri also considers his Best New Artist win to be sanctioned by God, explaining “If God did not permit that to happen, it would never happen,” and has thus far refused to return his moon-man statuette. Sheik Omar did, however, express regret that there was no Best Cover Art category, which could have honored the bizarre “Magnificent 19” album cover he had mocked up at great personal expense. Network executives at M-TV seem alarmingly unphased by the incident, claiming that most of its viewers are too young to remember the September 11th terrorist attacks. the commune news never wins any awards, an oversight we correct at our yearly in-house “commie” awards, which have yet to catch on with the mainstream media. Ivana Folger-Balzac has no Islamic ties, but did once storm the stage at a retirement dinner, demanding restitution for the tooth she broke on a dinner roll.
| Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 September 1, 2003 Wave Hello to HeatHello persons. Is so hot.
Oh God is so hot for Boris. Is so hot Boris ballsack is boiling. Is not good thing this hot.
In homeland, when is so hot Boris does go in pond with straw to stick up for breathing. But Louis say this is no good idea in America because dirty pond will make Boris into monster. So sad.
Is so hot Boris stick to couch like person with Velcro ass. So embarrassing when Louis run in to see why all the screaming and is just Boris tries to get off couch to go in bathroom.
Boris say for Louis please to get the goddamn airconditioner so is not apartment of hot death, but Louis doesn't not care. Robots has no thing to tell them is hot and them is going to die. No little voice thing like Boris have which say "Boris, is so hot you are ...
º Last Column: Boris is Ready for Some Football
º more columns
Hello persons. Is so hot. Oh God is so hot for Boris. Is so hot Boris ballsack is boiling. Is not good thing this hot. In homeland, when is so hot Boris does go in pond with straw to stick up for breathing. But Louis say this is no good idea in America because dirty pond will make Boris into monster. So sad. Is so hot Boris stick to couch like person with Velcro ass. So embarrassing when Louis run in to see why all the screaming and is just Boris tries to get off couch to go in bathroom. Boris say for Louis please to get the goddamn airconditioner so is not apartment of hot death, but Louis doesn't not care. Robots has no thing to tell them is hot and them is going to die. No little voice thing like Boris have which say "Boris, is so hot you are not happy, time to make underwear of ice cube trays." But even Louis take away these happy cold pants because Boris is assing up all ice cubes and dripping wet on couch. Only person more hot than Boris is Similar to Skippy dog, who is not robot and also is hot from wearing fur hat all the times. Louis try to take away hat but Similar to Skippy will never take it off no times. Dog does love this hat, strange thing. Louis say he is to make goddamn fur hat out of stupid dog, and Boris think he is meaning Similar to Skippy. Funny to think of hat made of dog wearing fur hat, like Jack-in-My-Box who is holding little tiny Jack-in-My-Box. Is crazy puzzle thing like questions for thinking. Boris like these question things, like "What is sound of tree in woods?" Boris does not know! Is so funny. Boris does listen to trees but they are not making loud sound like motorcycle or talking. Crazy thing to think of. Other question is like "Who is clapping Boris hand?" This is other thing Boris does not know. When Boris is happy at thing and clapping, there is hand hitting Boris hand, but where is this hand come from? Oh, look quick! Is Boris hand! But what hand is this Boris hand does hit? Watch, is also Boris hand! But now which is first hand? Is so impossible to watch both hands all the time, cannot say where other hand coming from. Crazy thing to keep Boris up at night. Boris say no way to sleeping when is so hot. Little Boris room with hanging up coats get so sweaty and smell like malted balls all the time, no good. Boris think to put swimming pool in room, but Louis say is no space for such thing because Louis shoes all go in water with Boris. Is not so bad, says Boris. And shoes are clean! But Louis does not think shoes are clean and Boris must say goodbye to Spongebob bedroom pool thing. So sad, goodbye Spongebob. But no crying for Boris, for is answer to sleeping problem at mall. Boris find out there is little Boris rooms in that place where some persons does try on clothes, and is perfect place for sleeping when is hot. Boris is like wild animal who does find good things wandering around place, so smart. Hooray for smart! º Last Column: Boris is Ready for Some Footballº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“I cannot tell a lie—I like big butts. You other brothers can't deny. My anaconda don't want none, lest you have buns, hon.”
-George WizzleswishingtonFortune 500 CookieOur apologies, but the guy doing your fortune was a complete fraud—hmph. You'd think we'd have seen that coming. This week, reconsider investing in those flame-retardant pajamas for the little ones. Definitely Burger King—definitely. Lucky dusts this week: Gold, saw, angel, and the stuff on grampa's skin.
Try again later.Top 5 Issues for Next Supreme Court| 1. | Official legal definition of "fucked up" | | 2. | Arrange long-awaited challenge of man versus beast | | 3. | Discount a minimum of ten urban legends | | 4. | Settle this Lindsey Lohan-Hilary Duff feud once and for all | | 5. | Reverse hundreds of years of progress | |
|   Judge Orders South Removed from Union  BY shelly strood 9/1/2003 Study Hall Hood: A Hatty Pearst, Teen Detective MysteryThere was the loud sound of footfalls behind her. Could it be—the murderer? Hatty had to think quick, or she would be discovered searching for clues in the locker room. Thinking the obvious, she tried each locker until one near the end was found unlocked, and climbed inside. The door closed with a faint click just as she heard footsteps in the room.
Hatty was nervous as could be. Her heart raced, and beat her liver by ten seconds in a photo finish. She tried to hold her breath as she heard the loud footsteps approaching. It sounded like Fred Astaire, judging by the tap of the shoes, but it couldn't be since he had died long ago. It was likely only one other person—the murderer!
She had mixed feelings. If the murderer flung open the locker door, she would be ab...
There was the loud sound of footfalls behind her. Could it be—the murderer? Hatty had to think quick, or she would be discovered searching for clues in the locker room. Thinking the obvious, she tried each locker until one near the end was found unlocked, and climbed inside. The door closed with a faint click just as she heard footsteps in the room.
Hatty was nervous as could be. Her heart raced, and beat her liver by ten seconds in a photo finish. She tried to hold her breath as she heard the loud footsteps approaching. It sounded like Fred Astaire, judging by the tap of the shoes, but it couldn't be since he had died long ago. It was likely only one other person—the murderer!
She had mixed feelings. If the murderer flung open the locker door, she would be able to see who he was. But if he flung open the locker door, he would see who she was and probably kill her, if he was the murderer. If he wasn't, that would leave her with doubt. The only way for her to discover if whoever was outside was indeed the murderer of Professor Dimble was to be found in the locker and murdered. That would pretty much put all doubts to rest.
Still, she hoped it wouldn't happen. She would get no credit for capturing the murderer if he killed her. But it seemed it was becoming inevitable. He must have caught a whiff of her perfume, Liz Taylor's White Diamonds, because he began to fling open the lockers starting with the first at the far end. Hatty wished she had some kind of weapon, like a gun or a knife or a sharpened stake, if he were a vampire. She wished she were a cop or a secret agent, or someone who could protect herself, instead of a too-curious high school girl with a keen detective mind. Then, she wished she were a princess, with a huge castle and gigantic knockers. It did no good—the mysterious stranger kept getting closer and closer, opening locker door after locker door, until he was almost up to hers.
"Hello?" she heard a loud, bellowing voice, not belonging to the murderer. But it was enough; he was frightened off, and she heard his stylish-but-loud clacking shoes clomp out of the locker room.
When she stepped out of the locker, relieved and breathing doggedly, she saw her savior standing there: Brando, the janitor.
"Mr. Brando! It was sure a lucky thing you heard that strange man and came to my rescue, here in the girl's locker room!"
"Yeah," said Mr. Brando, appearing slightly confused. "It's a good thing. This place is completely empty after school hours. Some guy could have come in here and masturbated all over you and no one would have ever known!"
"I was more afraid of him killing me!" said Hatty, finally catching her breath.
"Oh, yeah. They'd never find out about that either, I guess."
Hatty looked around the smallish, somewhat sensual locker room. "Jeez-louise, if you didn't see him as he ran out, then where did he go?"
Brando thought for a moment, and it was painful. "I suppose he could have gotten out through the crawlspace." Hatty asked him what crawlspace he was referring to. "I'll tell you. The crawlspace over there, behind the showers. There's a small, janitor-sized cubby hole in the wall where a body could squeeze in, then escape through a hidden passageway to the football field!"
"My goodness! That's where he's gone, I'll bet anything! Come on, we've got to catch him—he's probably the man that murdered Professor Dimble!"
"Yeah!" cried Brando. "And I'll bet he's done other despicable things, like leaving child pornography magazines in that crawlspace. I'll bet you anything!"   |
