merican forces and the new Iraqi regime took another blow this week when Saddam loyalists hidden on the outskirts of Baghdad took responsibility for the disastrous Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez film, Gigli. The film, a reputedly putrid and cloying pairing of America's hottest celebrity couple under the helm of Scent of a Woman director Martin Brest, has been universally blasted as one of the worst movies in recent history. Which is saying quite a lot.

In a short statement on a video tape released to Al Jazeera, a ventriloquil figure purported to be Saddam Hussein credited the bomb, detrimental to the careers of Affleck, Lopez, Brest, and anyone else who touched it, to the movement of Saddam Hussein loyalists.

"The capitalist pig culture has been punished by Allah for its excesses in the most fitting fashion imaginable. We of the Iraqi regime loyalists claim full responsibility for this catastrophe. A strike to the heart of America in the name of Allah! The next time imperialists seek to meddle in the affairs of the Middle East, watch the critically impaired dialogue and undigestable chemistry forced upon your citizens."

Spokesmen for the U.S. government and Hollywood alike allege Saddam loyalists are trying to put the American public to fear, taking credit for a natural disaster they had nothing to do with, and assure the populace that Middle Eastern terrorist groups do not have the capability to sign big stars into bombs and weaken scripts or mis-edit major productions. Others defend the movie as "not that bad."

Despite the assurances of the government and celebrity authorities that Gigli is a misfire of a few studio producers and not the work of anti-American fanatics, the media has latched onto the claim and begun to question other recent disasters. While reasonably convinced Al-Qaeda or other anti-American groups are not responsible for northeastern power outages, leading media outlets are asking if Osama bin Laden may have been responsible for failed Julia Roberts-Brad Pitt vehicle The Mexican. Some postulate the film was much better and ruined by bin Laden or associates, who then refused to take responsibility for it when it turned out too atrocious.

Hollywood watchdog website www.stargaze.com has taken the bold step of suggesting Saddam loyalists, linked to Al-Qaeda, have carried out the most disastrous summer box office bombing of all time in the summer of 2003. From digital debacle The Hulk, all the way back to the underwhelming The Matrix Reloaded, the onslaught of movies that have failed to hold the number one slot or in any way live up to audience expectations has been too perfectly a Hollywood failure to be chalked up to poor studio executives and directors too apt to insult the intelligence of mainstream America. According to the website, Gigli is merely the capper designed to forever disillusion American movie-goers after the disappointing blitz of Charlie's Angels Full Throttle, Terminator 3, American Wedding, and Hollywood Homicide.

"Celebrity mismatches, cul-de-sac scripts, sequels we never asked for to movies that weren't that good to begin with," the website claimed, "this is nothing like the Hollywood we've come to know and love. They have either thrown in with the America haters in the Middle East or are the dupes of spies and con-men trying to unravel the fabric of our celluloid culture."

The investigators at www.stargaze.com stated they would reward any evidence providing a link between Al-Qaeda and the AOL-Time-Warner, and planned a three-part study next to examine the role of terrorists in the music industry since 1997.

he anemic field of Democratic candidates, described by political pundits as “what the A-team would be like if it was really gay,� has inspired many Democrats to push for another Al Gore candidacy in 2004. Perhaps not grasping the ramifications of four more years with Boy George at the helm, thus far the former vice-president has steadfastly refused.

“I wouldn’t run for president again for a million, trillion dollars,� Gore told reporters last December. “Nor for all the tea in China.�

�Not even for true love?� a reporter questioned.

“No,� answered Gore. “Not even for that.�

However, Gore did concede later that if this reporter was holding a gun to the head of an innocent newborn baby, he might consider it. Though he did seem a little weirded out by the question.

Recent polls in New Hampshire show that if Gore were to enter the race for the Democratic Party nomination, he would immediately become the front-runner in that state. These polls showed that the same also holds true for Hillary Rodham Clinton, George Clinton, and Kool-Aid Man, the gigantic pitcher of powdered beverage famous for busting through walls and responding in the affirmative. Various Democratic candidates have denounced the poll as mean, but true.

Speaking with the commune this week, Gore’s position on his potential candidacy remained unchanged.

“Would you, could you, if it rained?� this reporter asked the non-candidate.

“I would not, could not if it rained,� responded Gore. “Nor if my brain had gone insane. I meant what I said and I said what I meant: I will not run for president! Now leave me be!�

Other scenarios that would fail to entice Gore to run include learning the secrets behind various Carly Simon songs, a blimp full of naked cheerleaders landing in his backyard, or having a southern state renamed Goregia.

Several political commentators have suggested that Gore would prefer to go down in history as the man who was denied the presidency by an antiquated electoral system and corrupt election officials in Florida, rather than risk losing a second election to a man who has been amply exposed as one of the less-memorable bit characters on Dukes of Hazzard. Those who know Gore dismiss this idea as absurd, though they could totally see Bush giving the Duke boys the what-for.

Gore supporters suggest instead that the former vice-president simply doesn’t wish to subject the public to a Gore v. Bush rematch, or spend the next year of his life debating with a man who moves his lips when he reads.

"Music soothes the heart of the Savage Beast, except Savage Garden. Boy, that pisses them off but good."
Remember when CDs first came out? They were in those real thin tall cases, like records that had gone on the Slim Fast diet. I told that joke to Tommy Lasorda once and he told me himself he thought it was funny, so you all are kinda required to laugh. Unless you want to disagree with the official Slim Fast spokesman.
For real, those CD cases used to piss me off. I would open the box and expect a real long metal thing you could put in a CD player. Instead there would just be a smaller case with a silver disc inside. That package was so long I always felt completely ripped off that there was only one CD in there. I suppose they didn't want to put two or more CD in there because they would have had to match everything up with another CD and charge people more. You're less likely to buy the new Paul Simon CD if it's packaged with Lemmy from Motorhead's solo album or something. But it didn't help me feel like I was getting taken on the whole deal. I paid for the whole length of the box and those guys didn't bother to use it.
All I can figure is someone at the CD manufacturing company got the total grease job from a guy representing cardboard box manufacturers. He's all like, "Oh, yeah, they may have their own little plastic cases, but what happens if someone scratches those while they're getting put up on the shelf at Sam Goody? No sale, kemosabe. You know what's great at stopping plastic case scuffing? A foot-long flat cardboard box. Yeah, we happen to manufacture those, if you want any."

The really nice thing about those cases is you could store socks individually if you wanted. It beats having them wrapped up in a ball one inside the other, and makes you feel all fancy having one of your socks in box for Pink Floyd's The Wall. Of course, then you can't find any other concept album that fits well enough to store the other sock in, so it's kind of a double-bladed bong, or however the saying goes. I suppose Quadrophenia wouldn't be too far off. Watch me get all these nasty letters from uppity rock critics now.

You know what really sucks about CDs? They shaped them like frisbees and then make them where they scratch if you throw them like frisbees. And when they scratch you can't play them anymore. Great idea, hot shot. My copy of Abbey Road is ruined because you thought it was cool to make them circular. A square disc like a computer would have worked just as well. Nobody had the urge to lob an 8-track to see how far it would go. As far as I'm concerned, I blame you for my ruined copy of Tapestry and you should reimburse me. At least they could have made the CD players have gigantic mouths where you could throw the CD. Like just sit on your couch and when one CD is over it spits it out. You throw another one from across the room and it lands in there and starts playing. You're like a hero and shit, and it's totally sweet.
Anyway, I'm planning on buying a CD player. So it would be nice for all this stuff to get fixed before I pick up one.

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