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Doritos Reveals New Human Tracking Chips New snack technology could end crime, hunger, privacy July 21, 2003 |
The new Trakos chips, shown in Ranch Attack and Hellapeño flavors
The new chips, offered in Ranch Attack, Hellapeño, Nacho Bacon, and Four Course Meal flavors, use cutting edge technology to embed edible microchips into the snack food. These microchips can then be tracked by satellite and hand-held scanning devices worldwide, providing a huge aid in missing-persons cases involving recent snack chip consumption. The high-tech snacks are being offered in response to recent public demands for improved homeland security and a snack food that tast...
orrowing a page from every cautionary future tale ever written and 60% of all science fiction films to date, the Frito-Lay Corporation today unveiled Trakos, a new line of Doritos brand “human tracking chips” designed to thwart kidnappings and various other ugly crimes in four delicious varieties. The new chips, offered in Ranch Attack, Hellapeño, Nacho Bacon, and Four Course Meal flavors, use cutting edge technology to embed edible microchips into the snack food. These microchips can then be tracked by satellite and hand-held scanning devices worldwide, providing a huge aid in missing-persons cases involving recent snack chip consumption. The high-tech snacks are being offered in response to recent public demands for improved homeland security and a snack food that tastes like nacho-flavored bacon. “The public has been resistant to this tracking technology for years, but now we’ve made it delicious,” explained Doritos head Ken Abenly. “People may balk at the idea of being implanted with a tracking device, but we think the time has come to put those outmoded fears to rest,” said Abenly. “The threat of an embarrassing public death at the hands of some crazed terrorist or your cheating husband is just too great these days. Criminals may still resist the concept of being tracked through microchips floating around in their bile, but we’re confident we’ve made these chips delicious enough to overcome any objections.” Chip-hating privacy advocates have protested the trend, citing fears of a Big Brotherly government agency using the American public’s weakness for tasty snack foods to create a vast surveillance network, leading inevitably to political oppression and embarrassing high-water jumpsuits for all. “The rest of our chips have been known for years to be major contributors to obesity, heart disease and stroke, yet that hasn’t stopped anyone from pounding the things like they were going out of style,” continued Abenly. “So we don’t foresee privacy concerns being a major deterrent. After all, which would you rather have: A tiny, painless microtransmitter in your gullet, or a spaghetti tangle of gross heart tubes coming out of your chest? Yuck. Sounds like a no-brainer to me. Plus we made sure they taste like nacho-flavored bacon, which the people seem to love.” Despite protests, the technology appears to be a likely hit. Plans are already in the works for several other tracking foods, including Grandma Come Home pitted prunes from Sunkist and Ralson Purina’s upcoming Trackin’ Wagon dog food to aid in the search for missing pets. Sadly, the technology has not yet advanced to the point of aiding in the search for pets or loved ones who are already missing, though unsubstantiated reports have Hershey Foods working on a time-traveling chocolate bar that might allow consumers to go back in time and feed tracking foods to their currently missing pets before they disappear. Dim-witted focus groups have also drawn attention to the need for intelligence regarding what kinds of snack foods car keys might enjoy, so that they can be fed tracking snacks and never be lost again. the commune news could never approve of such wide-scale governmental tracking technology, but for a ride in a Hummer we’d give up Anne Frank. Ramon Nootles isn’t a big fan of chips, but he’s easy enough to find if you just follow the scent of cheap perfume.
 |  Penalty of Something Horrible imposed on naysayers July 21, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Snapper McGee The President makes his mean face in an effort to dissuade Congress from bringing up unpleasant matters of intelligence, or lack thereof.
"Let it ring forth from the Oval Office, loyal Americans," the memo stated, all i's dotted with smiley faces, "that the alleged problem with intelligence has been resolved. We shall not address these topics again under penalty of whatever we can do to you."
The stern warning stems from revelations that Bush used unconfirmed reports of Saddam Hussein attempting to buy uranium in Africa in a Jan. 28 State of the Union address. The report later proved a forgery, and not even a good forgery, forgery critics have reviewed. Th...
n a staunch memo from the White House, written on the president's customized Wild Thornberrys stationary with the head "From the Desk of George II," the president issued a decree confirming the controversy over intelligence errors was at an end.
"Let it ring forth from the Oval Office, loyal Americans," the memo stated, all i's dotted with smiley faces, "that the alleged problem with intelligence has been resolved. We shall not address these topics again under penalty of whatever we can do to you."
The stern warning stems from revelations that Bush used unconfirmed reports of Saddam Hussein attempting to buy uranium in Africa in a Jan. 28 State of the Union address. The report later proved a forgery, and not even a good forgery, forgery critics have reviewed. The misstatement is the first public proof of inaccuracy in Iraq intelligence claims against the president, if you exclude the obvious lack of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq at all. Critics of the president—you know, non-Republicans—were quick to attack the false claim in the wake of recent information.
"Mr. President, for the American people, I ask you, Where are these weapons of mass destruction?" accused Democratic presidential nominee Dennis Kucinich in a fund-raiser only he attended.
White House officials were caught off guard by the public story revealing the inaccuracy of the uranium claim, and pointed to the CIA as the culprit. In their estimation, the CIA is responsible for verifying every statement the president is to say before he says it, or make it true in the aftermath once he has said it. CIA Director George Tenet, as captain of the rotting ship, took full responsibility for the error. According to other CIA insiders, Tenet had previously made White House speechwriters remove an Oct. 7 reference to the same forged documents until it could be verified, but failed to intercede on the president's behalf in January.
The backlash came in a form of public outcry about the legitimacy of intelligence collected by the CIA, and a frustrated Bush responded by saying he retained faith in Tenet, who was responsible for his false declarations, and that American intelligence was in good hands, describing it as "darn good." Political pundits were on the offensive again however, noticing that Bush stopped short of calling the intelligence "the bee's knees" or "rootin' tootin'."
The presidential decree, the first of its kind, was released Saturday, following a failed attempt the week before to urge the nation into silence by calling the matter "closed." The decree, while not a Constitutionally-viable change in public policy and holding no legal ramifications for the disobedient, could be the first in a series of presidential changes in lawmaking to enforce the will of the president over his subjects. Which is how Bush sometimes refers to his constituents.
White House mouthpiece and new meat Scott McClellan defended what some considered a presidential overstepping of duties.
"His will is divine and not for us to question," said McClellan Saturday. "He is merciful and wise. Your opinions to him are like the gnats buzzing around the head of the large and noble wildebeest of the Serengeti plain."
It could be neither confirmed nor denied at press time whether wildebeests roamed the Serengeti. the commune news is issuing a decree, a Bachelor's of Science, to all our reporters and their high journalistic standards. White House correspondent Lil Duncan's own high standards apparently don't keep her from dating smelly men with mustaches, judging by what she brought into the office last week.
| Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 July 21, 2003 Welcome to Ted Ted's WorldTed Ted here, reporting from Ted Ted's world, commonly called Flatbush, N.J. Any longtime reader of the commune should know I've been on board as a reporter since day one, at least day one of my first day, and yet I feel that we don't know each other very well, you and I, the reader and reporter. Part of that is the fact you don't have a newspaper or anything; another part of that is you can only impart so much of your personality when you're objectively reporting the news, or reporting the way I do.
All that changes now.
Red Bagel requested that someone, anyone fill this increasingly dead space on the site, and when the request goes out for someone, anyone, I certainly fit the bill. It was about time I dealt a swift kick of justice to all those things that piss ...
º Last Column: President Bush Will Have to Kill a Man to Get Some Goddamn Respect
º more columns
Ted Ted here, reporting from Ted Ted's world, commonly called Flatbush, N.J. Any longtime reader of the commune should know I've been on board as a reporter since day one, at least day one of my first day, and yet I feel that we don't know each other very well, you and I, the reader and reporter. Part of that is the fact you don't have a newspaper or anything; another part of that is you can only impart so much of your personality when you're objectively reporting the news, or reporting the way I do.
All that changes now.
Red Bagel requested that someone, anyone fill this increasingly dead space on the site, and when the request goes out for someone, anyone, I certainly fit the bill. It was about time I dealt a swift kick of justice to all those things that piss me off. All I can say is, cover your nuts, world—the kicking has started.
First, though, I'll give you some background. Let's call this the Ted Ted story.
For one thing, most obvious to people when I meet them, I am a small pixie. This is not a metaphor and is not a description of my personality in any way. I am a pixie, with wings, pocket-sized, judging by usual standards of pockets. There is some disagreement about this, it's fair to state. My doctors in particular say I suffer a very rare condition that allows me to grow vestigial fleshy wings and causes my diminutive size. I am small, that much is true, but do not mistake me for having a small temper or being any less threatening because of it. I could not, as you might have heard Ramon Nootles say, be beaten-up by a crack-baby. If there are any doubts, ask Ramon how I responded to that.
Since graduating from technical school in 1998 I sought a job in the growing field of handgun repair, but various psychological profiles cruelly kept me from receiving employment involving firearms. Just when I thought the business world was going to force me into the ever-growing field of serial killing, an angry letter of mine was mistakenly published in a burgeoning alternative-news website then called the commune. It's the same one that's now called the commune. Unfortunately, they published my diatribe as a news article, "Motherfuckers Still Blowing Up Shit in Beirut," and worse, they didn't even give me a byline. When I threatened to sue, then-Editor Red Bagel claimed to like my moxy and hired me as a regular staff reporter.
Despite not having a background in journalism at all, or maybe because of it, I flourished at the commune. I made good friends, though no one else could see them, and I continued to report on the things that really bugged the hell out of me. My articles have been recognized everywhere for special awards given to journalism based on opinion more than fact, though I've never bothered to go to any of these shows to see if I won because I figure they're probably scams trying to sell me time-shares.
In addition to reporting when I feel like it, I also keep my schedule busy as the commune's publicist. It's my job to get the word out to everyone about the commune, to promote the website and its staff. When I'm not doing that, I'm usually doing a lot of other things. I'm not only a reporter, but a published author of non-fiction books like Nasty Things About People Who Aren't Famous and Ted Ted's Book of Cajun Cooking.
Is there more about Ted Ted you don't know? To paraphrase the famous quote: Shitloads. But in good time you'll find out all there is to know. Keep checking back. º Last Column: President Bush Will Have to Kill a Man to Get Some Goddamn Respectº more columns | 
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Milestones1965: commune columnist Rok Finger coins the slang term "Dingleberry" at a father-son picnic attended solely by his numerous illegitimate offspring.Now HiringDoormat. Co-dependant with poor sense of boundaries needed to do the work of three men and two women, allowing the commune to do our part in this jobless recovery. Cot in back available for qualified applicant.Top Reasons for Honking| 1. | Air-horn busted | | 2. | Thought I saw nipples | | 3. | Rat-in-road! Rat-in-road! | | 4. | Song needed a horn part | | 5. | Lonely | | 6. | That bumper sticker is right! | | 7. | Fluent in Morse code and proud of it | | 8. | Needed to clear path on sidewalk | | 9. | I know that guy! | | 10. | Because I can | |
|   Pat Robertson Asks Viewers to Pray for 50-Foot Robot BY nathan howser 7/21/2003 Hamilton CastlewaiteIt was a dreadful mess, washing up on an uncharted desert isle out in the middle of nowhere. But 'tis most usually the case with uncharted desert isles. You seldom find them just five miles west of San Francisco or anything, some earnest young go-getter having long-since charted it with gusto.
Such worries were no longer my concern. My frigate had capsized in the dreadful storm, and most of my crew were drowned. Some of them were even white men. A frightful experience, being near-drowned. My valiant crewmen even tried to save me, though they mistakenly dunked my head under the sea water numerous times in the effort. How you make the mistake is quite beyond me. But the strained feeling in my lungs aside, I did manage to cling to a piece of floating driftwood kept just for such oc...
It was a dreadful mess, washing up on an uncharted desert isle out in the middle of nowhere. But 'tis most usually the case with uncharted desert isles. You seldom find them just five miles west of San Francisco or anything, some earnest young go-getter having long-since charted it with gusto. Such worries were no longer my concern. My frigate had capsized in the dreadful storm, and most of my crew were drowned. Some of them were even white men. A frightful experience, being near-drowned. My valiant crewmen even tried to save me, though they mistakenly dunked my head under the sea water numerous times in the effort. How you make the mistake is quite beyond me. But the strained feeling in my lungs aside, I did manage to cling to a piece of floating driftwood kept just for such occasions. My safety was in doubt, however, until I reached the crystalline white coast of said isle. It was beautiful, I would have said at any other time, but the prospect of spending unpredictable days on this ball of sand did not make it appetizing. I might say the idea of washing up nearly any estimable place to be stranded for days on end did not appeal to me; then I considered washing up in a distillery or young girls' finishing school. The fantasies alone were enough to feed me the first day. I rose early the next day, with the sun beating on me like an Irish housewife. Before my eyes even fully opened my thoughts turned to breakfast, and the imagined picture of crisp crackling bacon and flaky yellow scrambled eggs made my stomach growl. I was then quite surprised to turn and find a large dark-skinned savage standing over me. "Yo, dude. Name's Pete. You hit breakers or something? Where's your boat?" The tribesman wore strange garb and his babbling dialect was entirely indecipherable. I tried frantic sign language to communicate, but it only appeared to frighten him. From his repeated utterances I could construct his friendly moniker for the white man was "Shitfarbranes"—which is how he referred to me. I calmed my actions and tried to reach him through friendly body language. Despite the lack of civility in his jungle nature, I found him noble and charming, in his own way. I dubbed him "Sandwich." As I mentioned, I was starving. Sandwich and I walked the beach for countless hours. Upward, far off from the water, he led me to a small, disheveled bungalow constructed of concrete and wood, and perhaps drywall, with fresh paint and a shingled roof. We crawled inside, him standing fully upright, and shared a happy drink, some canned bubbling liquid substance he had made and stored himself. It was caustic and hard to endure, but it was enough to keep my thirst quenched. After my relaxing morning, I set about to construct my own shelter like Sandwich's. I was not as fortunate in finding similar materials, but I managed a crude facsimile out of dead wood, mud, seashells, sand, and dog shit. When I was finished I decided it was easier to crash on Sandwich's floor, and he seemed agreeable to it. He warned me, in his crude broken English, that I had to be out by the weekend since his place was not a "flophouse," which I take is some sort of unpresentable cave. The savage was good company for those lonely first few days on the isle. The nights were hardest, for when the sea quieted and one could drown out the sounds of his own heartbeat and breath, you could hear the mighty monsters who lived just beyond the woods, high toward the mountain. Their beeps and honks made me terrified to the point I wished I had been as lucky as my crew, lying on the bottom of the sea.   |
