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July 7, 2003   
Where dreams come to get really sick
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Reward Leads to Saddam Hussein Arrest in Brooklyn
Ruthless despot picked up near egg cream place
July 7, 2003
Washington, D.C.
Junior Bacon
Either The Flash was arrested by a cocaine-fueled officer or Junior fumbled this attempt to get a shot of the suspected Hussein being led into the 37th Precinct.
T
he Bush administration celebrated a victory amidst plentiful criticism this week when reports came Friday that Saddam Hussein had been arrested, in Brooklyn, New York of all places.

The news puts a sunny smile on the end of a week of bitter partisan accusations from Democrats and presidential critics against the Republican party, and the president in particular. Bush has had to play hardass on the Liberia situation, alluding to the possibility of military intervention in that country; other sour news surfaced in the release of a report stating the jobless rate had risen its highest in nine years, refuting some conservatives who are claiming the economy is in full recovery from the recession of the past two years. Even more alarming, recent attacks on U.S. soldiers brought the...Read more...

Supreme Court Rules on Gay Marriage

Highest court confirms utter banality of married life
July 7, 2003
Washington, DC
Dan Fathead
An impressive-looking building where if you shook it, judges might fall out
F
ollowing last week's landmark sodomy decision that opened the door for Americans everywhere not to be white Christian fundamentalists, onlookers have waited with baited breath for the other shoe to drop as the Supreme Court passes judgment on the controversial topic of gay marriage. That shoe came sooner than expected yesterday, when the high court handed down a ruling that many anticipated but few wanted to admit: "Yes, marriage is really gay."

"Marriage is like, something chicks invented to make sure guys don't have any fun," explained Justice Anthony Kennedy in his majority opinion.

"So you're saying I've got to support you financially, pay for a bunch of foofy-ass furniture I don't want, raise some snot-monster kids who live to piss me off, and I don't get to ...Read more...

Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



July 7, 2003
Click for Biography

Cassandra Coleman is a Big Sci-Fi Nerd

To all those who have ever made fun of me, I have one thing to say: Eat a rotten cow out. For everyone who said or insinuated or made some kind of rude hand gesture suggesting my sister was more talented or smarter or cooler than I was in any case, I have one thing left to say: My sister is a gigantic sci-fi nerd.

That's right, my sister, Cassandra Coleman, the big-time successful lawyer and Harvard grad, the big-time book author, she's just a big old Trekkie underneath it all. Nobody was shocked more than me, I'll tell you that. The last thing you expect when you show up to a major metropolitan sci-fi convention is to find your sister at the head of the Terry Pratchett book-signing line dressed as Xena, Warrior Princess. In fact I'll make the bold declaration that any time yo...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that's completely impossible by the laws of physics and laughable to every sane person.”

-Mark Twaint
Fortune 500 Cookie
This is the week you finally snap. All those years spent strengthening your middle finger and thumb are really going to pay off big-time, playa. Try keeping your dehydrated mashed potato flakes and your dandruff collection in different-colored boxes this week, just in case that last date ever comes back. Oh, that autobiography you wrote in l33t? Yeah dude, nobody can read that shit. This week's lucky porn cameos: Jenna Jameson in the pilot of that awesome new Hoarders spin-off, Whoreders, Big Bird in Larry Bird: Big Bird, The Ghost of John Holmes in everything else you watch because you burnt that shit into your plasma, dumbass, and …wait, Ron Jeremy in your wedding video? WTF?

Try again later.
Top 5 Reasons There's No Way That Asshole Can Win the Republican Nomination
1.Too crazy/not crazy enough/not the right kind of crazy
2.Makes swing voters shit blood at the sound of his/her name
3.Once snorted cocaine off the belly of an underage Thai hooker who believes in big government
4.Has been photographed not trying to kill Obama with their bare hands
5.Can read
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

"Do-Not-Call" List Bigger Than Jesus

View Past Columns
BY pat cheeks
7/7/2003
The Adventures of Sollsberry Stake
It wus'n nigh on 4 of the clock when I seen Rush Steamshed, mah ol mate. Rush is'n a first-rate buddy, real true, too. He'sn the kinder feller what would punch 'is own head 'fore he'd a punch you. You know the kind—real stupid.

Rush wus'n playin on bein cowboys an injuns, but he'sn all lonesome goin 'bout it cuz'n it wuz only him. He ast me if'n I wanted to play with 'im, but I sed I wus'n too busy huntin up treasure.

"Why'sn you doin that, Sol?"

"Why, so's I kin bury it all over agin."

"Bury it?" he went a-repeatin'.

"Lawd yes!" I declared. "Cuz'n I'm a-playin pirates. That's what pirates do, Rush."

"Why bugger me stupid," sez Rush. "I ain't ever heard o' such a thing. I thought pirates wus'n all into rapin an...Read more...