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Bush Adds Segway Scooters to "Axis of Evil"June 23, 2003 |
Kennebunkport, ME Assad the Unseen President Bush taking a digger that had nothing to do with his “Axising” of the Segway Human Transporter The list has taken on a broader tone in recent months, as the roll call of the president’s “Axis” enemies has been expanded to include the environment, ice cream headaches, the city of Toronto, STDs, gay bikers, ABC’s primetime l...
pon returning from his weekend vacation in Kennebunkport, Maine on Tuesday President Bush announced that the Segway Human Transporter, a motorized scooter popular among newsmagazines and eccentric billionaires, had been added to the “Axis of Evil” over the weekend. The “Axis of Evil,” a list of rogue nations designated by Bush in 2002 for future “liberation back to the stone age,” originally consisted of Iran, North Korea and Iraq. Cuba, Libya and Syria were later added to the list after an underattended Bush birthday celebration in July. The list has taken on a broader tone in recent months, as the roll call of the president’s “Axis” enemies has been expanded to include the environment, ice cream headaches, the city of Toronto, STDs, gay bikers, ABC’s primetime lineup, cold sores, childproof Advil and Blue Oyster Cult. This seemingly neurotic daily expansion of the list has led to the ironic cultural trend of “Axising” disliked pop-culture fads or unpopular coworkers in wiseass circles nationwide. “Britney Spears? She’s so ‘Axis’ right now,” gossiped clubgoer Ryan Barnes. “She’s worse than North Korea, talk about stockpiling weapons of mass deSUCKtion! Ha ha. Oh, and piercing. I’m so fucking sick of piercing.” Much speculation has surrounded the timing of Bush’s “Axising” of the Segway Human Transporter, which took place concurrent with grainy home video footage hitting the Internet that showed Bush falling off a Segway like a big retarded ape last weekend in Maine. While the Bush administration has denied any link between the two events, the public remains skeptical. “Did you see that shit?” gasped college sophomore Dennis Porter. “That was tha bomb, I almost shit when that gimp wanged his nuts on that gay-ass scooter thing! Who does he think he is, Devo?” The Segway Human Transporter was unveiled in December of 2001 after a full year of speculation and claims that Dean Kamen’s mysterious new invention would change the world forever. Once unveiled, the transporter was met with embarrassed silence from an American public that had thought it was going to be a hovercar or android man or something incredible like that. “Thanks to the Segway’s four internal gyroscopes, it’s nearly impossible to fall off of the transporter,” explained inventor Kamen. “We used to just say it was impossible, but then we discovered that if you get a blind guy drunk enough, and have him try to ride it down some stairs, sometimes they can manage. And now, well, the president thing of course.” In his speech, Bush vowed to embargo any possible shipments of Segway scooters destined for North Korea, keeping the dangerous fad toy from falling into the hands of Kim Jong Il’s bizarre regime. The president, however, did not take this opportunity to explain what use the North Koreans would have for an expensive goofy scooter that looks like George Jetson’s lawnmower.
the commune news thought those razor scooters were going to change the way we lived forever, so we’re not about to be fooled twice concerning the revolutionary power of scootering. Lil Duncan has yet to have a president fall off of her mid-ride, but the term is still young.
 | Somebody Accidentally Downloaded Orrin Hatch MP3 Senator calls for copyright enforcement after horrific download June 23, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Snapper McGee Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, attempting to burn down the house
The fateful pirating in question took place when teenager Jody Whiteman of East Plains, New York accidentally downloaded the illegal MP3 file during a sleepover with high school friends. “I was trying to download that new American Hi-Fi song, and it was late so I guess I clicked the wrong thing or something because the next thing I ...
tah Senator Orrin Hatch made a surprising statement during last week’s hearing on copyright abuse, calling for the remote destruction of home computers used to illegally download music files. Though the senator refused to discuss his motivation, many believe Hatch’s sudden interest in copyright infringement stems from the first-ever illegal download of one of the Republican senator and part-time composer’s musical works earlier this month. The fateful pirating in question took place when teenager Jody Whiteman of East Plains, New York accidentally downloaded the illegal MP3 file during a sleepover with high school friends. “I was trying to download that new American Hi-Fi song, and it was late so I guess I clicked the wrong thing or something because the next thing I knew, the gayest thing that ever happened was playing through my computer speakers.” Whiteman had inadvertently downloaded the track “America Rocks!” from Hatch’s album “Heal Our Land,” recorded with composer Janice Kapp Perry in 1997. “We must’ve played that thing 100 times,” Whiteman confided, wiping a tear from his eye. “It was like that video clip of that fat guy falling off his bike, we couldn’t stop laughing. First it was funny just because it was so bad, but then we realized somebody must’ve did it on purpose, which was even funnier. Then Tom pointed out that somebody had to like it enough to post the MP3 online, and at that point we all really lost it.” Some speculate the MP3 download must have led to an ironic purchase of the album by one of the high school students involved, tipping off the senator that someone outside of the Hatch family had purchased one of his albums and leading to the discovery of the illegal download. “If they illegally download a song once, or twice, they’ll get a warning,” fantasized Hatch out loud during the hearing. “But the third time? Zap! We blow up their computer. I don’t know how, maybe a laser satellite or some kind of Mission Impossible button or something. But the point is, we blow it up and they never rape our music again. Do that a few hundred thousand times, and people will start to get the message. We’ll copyright-enforce them back into the stone age.” Thinking Hatch was kidding, technological consultant Randy Saaf attempted to save face for the entire Republican Party, if not the white race. “No one is interested in destroying anyone’s computer, but we feel that more strict enforcement of—” “I’m interested,” interrupted an annoyed Sen. Hatch, who was not kidding at all. A long, uncomfortable silence followed. Jonathan Lamy, spokesperson for the Recording Industry Association of America, suggested Hatch was “apparently making a metaphorical point that if peer-to-peer networks don't take reasonable steps to prevent massive copyright infringement on the systems they create, Congress may be forced to consider stronger measures.” “No,” countered Sen. Hatch. “I’m talking about blowing up fucking computers! Kaboom! Do I have to spell this out in sign language for you people? Kazap! And maybe a little shock or something to put the fear of Jesus into these people.” After the hearing limped to an awkward conclusion, several senators gathered in the hall to discuss Hatch’s proposal, but to this reporter’s ear it sounded more like a lot of laughing and some gut-busting falsetto renditions of such Hatch classics as “Jesus’ Love is Like a River,” “Someday I’ll Fly,” “I’m Goin’ to Pray for This Land,” “I Am Happy,” and “It’s Not So Easy Growing Old.” the commune news is against illegally downloading music, but only because our connection is so slow we have to go on the “one note a day” plan. Ramon Nootles has become convinced that anybody can put out a religious album these days, and is looking for musicians to back him on such tracks as “Let Me Fill You With the Holy Ghost” and “I Got Your Sister Pregnant with the Spirit of Jesus.”
| Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 June 23, 2003 How the Internet Worksthe commune's Griswald Dreck downloads the straight shit (the other stuff was just out of curiosity, dig?) To kick things off with a bang, and also give you a taste of my own personal pain, I'd like to start off this column with a slice of reader email I received recently.
"Yo yo yo Griswaaaaaaaasssup Dreck my man! Shit baby! Anyway, dude, the Internet? Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Whatup wit dat?"
Now that I have your sympathy and perhaps your piqued interest, let's dig the morsel of inquiry from the verbal turd above.
Nearly everyone, and at least half of the commune staff, knows what the Internet is. But how many really know how it works? Is it all techno mumbo-jumbo too daunting to penetrate, or just wicked voodoo best left alone? Thankfully for curious minds and Internet columnists who've already spent ten minutes on this column, it's neither.
The Internet was...
º Last Column: What the Fuck Is Up With That New Matrix Movie?
º more columns
To kick things off with a bang, and also give you a taste of my own personal pain, I'd like to start off this column with a slice of reader email I received recently. "Yo yo yo Griswaaaaaaaasssup Dreck my man! Shit baby! Anyway, dude, the Internet? Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Whatup wit dat?" Now that I have your sympathy and perhaps your piqued interest, let's dig the morsel of inquiry from the verbal turd above. Nearly everyone, and at least half of the commune staff, knows what the Internet is. But how many really know how it works? Is it all techno mumbo-jumbo too daunting to penetrate, or just wicked voodoo best left alone? Thankfully for curious minds and Internet columnists who've already spent ten minutes on this column, it's neither. The Internet was started in 1961 when a teenager named Frank Shultz in Flatbush, NY covertly connected his homemade computer to his neighbor Darcy Stanley's homemade computer in order to send the world's first Internet virus, which consisted of the following code: 10 PRINT "DARCY ISA SLUT" 20 GOTO 10 In response, Stanley sent Shultz the world's first spam, a message detailing the modern miracle of penis enlargement through the revolutionary technique of shooting yourself in the head. From these humble beginnings the Internet grew into several larger computers in Shultz's bedroom, which were connected to the homemade computers of several of Shultz's friends for the purpose of downloading brief text descriptions of pornography. At this point the scientific community took an interest in Shultz's network, and appropriated the technology for their own purposes, namely sending science geek jokes and chain letters back and forth to each other. Thanks to a particularly popular joke about an amino acid, a Mexican and a Polack, the network eventually grew to include thousands of computers nationwide. Things stayed about like this for a very long time, until the 90's, when computer manufacturers were maligning the fact that people stopped buying home computers just because they were only good for playing solitaire and pretending to balance your checkbook with Quicken. Some genius realized that people would buy more computers if there were some way they could be beamed faux-inspirational quotes and other heartwarming Chicken Soup for the Soul bullshit on a daily basis, so they developed the modem. A modem is a device that translates computer information into teenage slang so it can be sent over phone lines. Thanks to this breakthrough, five new computers were sold. But before long retailers and scam artists everywhere discovered that Americans would pay to get kicked in the face as long as it had a .com attached and they got a box in the mail, and the real Internet was born. The thrill of getting a box in the mail has fueled economic growth in America since the beginning of time, and the online age was to be no different. As for the nitty gritty of how it all works, the concept behind the Internet is that your computer is connected to your neighbor's computer, which is connected to his neighbor's computer, and so on and so forth until you get to the local computer geek's house, where there are big computers connected to the homes of larger and larger geeks until you get to central command. This is why the Internet is often slow and crappy, if one of your neighbors is playing Quake or running an analysis of where his life went wrong it can bog down your shit for real. At central command there are a bunch of guys who sit around and monitor everything, laugh at your poor email grammar and the fact that you visit spankspock.com thirty times a day, distribute Xerox copies of really embarrassing stuff and generally just make sure everything keeps on truckin'. This is where the string of computers is actually connected to the Internet, which is a big metal thing that looks like the ghost containment unit thing from Ghostbusters. Nobody's sure what exactly goes on inside that thing. Today the Internet is an indispensable part of modern life, providing us with news, sports scores, bad blind dates and solutions to modern problems like what does the girl from One Hour Photo look like naked. Some wonder how we lived before the Internet, and the answer is we didn't. We thought we did, but what the hell did we know? Back then we had to get all our information from books, which is a little like getting your news from popular music. And you had to jog down to the library every time you found unlabeled prescription medication under the couch or wanted to know what happened to the cast of Goonies. You may call that living, but it sounds an awful lot like Cast Away to me. Who played Tom Hanks' fiancée in that movie? I bet she looks good naked. º Last Column: What the Fuck Is Up With That New Matrix Movie?º more columns | 
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Milestones1999: Eurocommune opens, burns down four minutes later after an electrical outlet misunderstanding.Now HiringGood Humor Man. Must be willing to drive around the commune offices in a circle 24 hours a day. Familiarity with The Farmer in the Dell strongly recommended. Dilly Bars a plus.Top Comics Not in Film Development| 1. | Feldspar the Neurotic Ghost | | 2. | Chest-Exercise Men | | 3. | Rats with Tats | | 4. | The Cuddler | | 5. | Vegan Crime Discouragers | |
|   Australian Hijacker Thwarted, Drained of Blood BY roland mcshyster 6/23/2003 Crock 'a shitty-shit, America. Welcome back to Entertainment Police as we continue our wincing appraisal of this summer's ball-busting Hollywood lineup. Why the glum look? Have you been to the movies lately? This is the time of the year when the big Hollywood chicken is supposed to be taking a big golden shit on our faces, and instead we're getting a grunt and a shrug. Where's the summer love? Sure, X2 was an emancipating good time, but I've already forgotten everything that happened in that movie. The Matrix Rebooted? Yeah, I'll admit I loved it at first. That was before I realized it was the exact same movie as Cannonball Run 2. Nice try guys, you almost had us fooled there. But that bit of excitement went sour like egg salad left in the trunk all weekend. Now what h...
Crock 'a shitty-shit, America. Welcome back to Entertainment Police as we continue our wincing appraisal of this summer's ball-busting Hollywood lineup. Why the glum look? Have you been to the movies lately? This is the time of the year when the big Hollywood chicken is supposed to be taking a big golden shit on our faces, and instead we're getting a grunt and a shrug. Where's the summer love? Sure, X2 was an emancipating good time, but I've already forgotten everything that happened in that movie. The Matrix Rebooted? Yeah, I'll admit I loved it at first. That was before I realized it was the exact same movie as Cannonball Run 2. Nice try guys, you almost had us fooled there. But that bit of excitement went sour like egg salad left in the trunk all weekend. Now what have we got to wax filmic about? And where the hell is Bruce Willis hiding these days? Somebody fire up the bat signal, we need some bald fury over here pronto!
In Theaters
28 Days Later
Finally somebody's had the balls to make a movie about what a major pain in the ass it is to get a rebate check when you buy something at an electronics store. You buy a printer or some floppy disks or Barbie Dress-Up software or something you don't really need because with the seven rebates together the thing ends up being free or they even owe you five bucks for hauling that crap away. Then you get all the junk home and you've got to write your whole life story fifteen times on pieces of paper each the size of a postage stamp, provide fourteen original receipts postmarked by October of 1982, then put several dozen stickers in the right boxes, find in the picture where they hid the teapot and the pair of scissors, bake a shrinky-dink and send the whole shebang to Guam. Then if you did everything perfect, six months later they cut you check or mail you a roll of pennies, whatever it is. I wouldn't know, I always screw up and draw the pirate instead of the turtle and they reject my application. Understandably they had to Hollywoodize the whole thing and make it twenty-eight days instead of six months, but that's understandable since nobody wants to go to the movies to be reminded of just how much their lives suck. Foreigners, maybe, but not Americans.
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
Leave it to Hollywood to take the sweet natured Peanuts gang and turn them into violent ass-kicking crime fighters. Now I love action as much as anybody, well maybe less than the president, but still more than most people, and I still thought it was weird to see Lucy, Sally and Peppermint Patty putting the smackdown on rogue blockheads left and right. Just didn't feel right, kind of like seeing Big Bird break a dude's neck. Plus there's the believability factor. I know girls are supposed to be tough and all these days, but how can you avoid getting your face punched in during a fight when your head's the size of a medicine ball? You'd think the bad guys could just tip them over and roll them down the street, their undersized Peanutsland bodies flopping helplessly to one side like the stem of a balloon. But whatever, the stunts and wirework were pretty good, and the Moby remix of the Peanuts theme was pretty righteous, I have to say.
Jet Lag
To tell the truth I'm getting kind of tired of Jet Li. He needs to kick an elephant's ass or something at this point to get my attention. Trying to pull off an unlikely romantic comedy with Helen Hunt definitely is not what Dr. Roland ordered. As a result this is one of those ironic film titles that is all too fitting, like Knock-Off or Waste of Money. Maybe the ladies know something I don't, and Lee's actually Brad Pitt or Luis Guzman-level good-looking or something, but for me he's only as good as the number of guys he can fold into a suitcase in 90 minutes. And even if you try to sneak that stuff into a romantic comedy, it's hard to justify after you've ass-kicked a few rude bellhops and stuffed a redneck truck driver into a pizza oven.
When Harry Met Lloyd: Dumb and Dumberer
Everybody knows Harry Houdini and Lloyd Bridges were great childhood friends; now that they've both kicked the toilet their story can finally be told without having to pretend like they were a couple of astrophysicists. While the title may be a little over the top, most eyewitness accounts confirm that these two were about as bright as the moon glare of off of Houdini's hairy ass. Unfortunately for viewers, the truth isn't always pretty, or particularly funny, and the film has one too many "I ate a King Don out of your ass while you were sleeping" jokes for its own good. And the fact that they went to the trouble to grow a freakish Jim Carrey clone in a petri dish to play Lloyd Bridges is just plain creepy.
We hope you enjoyed this trip down future-memory lane, I'm your host Roland McShyster and on behalf of Entertainment Police I'd like to wish you an enjoyable rest of your vacation and ask that you not fall into the water like a big idiot when you're getting off the boat. Ta ta!   |
