nother blow, and not the good kind, for oil giant Halliburton, the company once ran by Dick Cheney and now just thrown big contract bonuses by the Vice-President: The company admitted to the Securities and Exchange Commission Thursday that it paid a direct bribe to the country of Nigeria for favorable tax status in 2001 and 2002.

The payments totaling 2.4 million were revealed in a filing with the SEC to be a bribe to receive preferential tax treatment and, according to Halliburton, "clearly violated our code of business conduct." For a company that welcomes no-bid multimillion-dollar contracts by former CEOs in prime political positions, it means the act of bribing a whole nation must have been especially nasty.

The periodic payments were left in a briefcase in a basement of an industrial complex in Nigeria's neighbor Cameroon. According to Nigerian insiders, the population of the country would sneak into Cameroon late at night when its residents were asleep, pick up the briefcase and count out the money evenly before returning, leaving the rest of the world none of the wiser.

An informant at the SEC said the Commission became suspicious when Halliburton and its subsidiaries started receiving extremely beneficial tax status, coinciding with the purchase of a large number of sports cars by Nigerian residents. The small African nation also purportedly put a generous down payment on a piece of California beachfront property that raised eyebrows at the SEC.

University of Maine African Studies Professor Djimon Mubatu said those familiar with Nigeria questioned some recent developments that pointed to bribery.

"When a country's population is wearing Goodwill jeans and league bowling shirts on Sunday and then all spontaneously start wearing Gucci suits and carrying Prada bags on Monday, it does constitute suspicious behavior," said Dr. Mubatu. "Bribery isn't the first thing to cross your mind—the last time we saw something like that was when Colombia started dealing drugs back in 1981. Then, Nigeria's kissing Halliburton ass like it's a statue of the Virgin Mary, you start to get the idea."

Punishment for Halliburton was being decided by the SEC at press time, but initial thoughts on how to penalize Nigeria began almost immediately. Some in Congress and the White House worry that allowing them to escape penalty will set a bad example for other Third World countries to accept bribes from other big beltway companies.

"Our first idea was to allow our corporations free access into the country to strip its natural resources for company profit and repay their people in the lowest wages possible," said Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, "but then we realized we had already been doing that for quite a while. More than likely we're looking at the idea of imposing ridiculous sanctions that only cause real harm to the poorest and most dependent citizens, leaving the wealthy and government officials basically untouched. Or failing that, military overthrow, but if we decide to go that route we'll probably wait until around, let's say, November of 2004."

The government may be dragging its heels on its chastisement of the previously-impoverished company, but others are already expressing dismay. If documentation can prove Nigeria's new wealth is a result of Halliburton bribery, officials from USA for Africa say they want all their proceeds given to the country from sales of "We Are the World" returned immediately.

tymied and Spankied by the post-Sept. 11^th political climate and a lack of clear leadership, Democrats unveiled a paradigm-rattling new look at the first debate May 3 in Columbia, South Carolina.

At the University of South Carolina in Columbia, locally referred to as the book-learnin' building, nine presidential hopefuls engaged in sharp verbal battles over key issues such as War—what is it good for? and Christ, don't the health care system suck? But the real surprise of the night was the Democratic National Committee's announcement of their 2004 makeover: "Democrats: The Other White Republicans."

According to high-ranking Democrats and their corporate masters, the new slogan and the accompanying commercial campaign will try to unite faithful Democrats who have long stood by the party with the confused, unwashed masses who have no party affiliation and typically don't vote in elections until they know which way the swing vote among the girls at Hooters is going. Also, some speculation remains that a new, stiffer image could even win over some moderate Republican voters who are a little turned off by the Bush administration's lap-dog status to fundamentalist Christian groups and salivating Pentagon contractors.

"It is clearly a new era," said obvious-stating University of South Carolina Professor and event organizer Hazburp "Hap" Golord. "Democrats who support social programs and not using the impoverished for stem-cell research are continually losing favor with the population. Questioning and challenging military and business industrial complexes is out, being whipped and brutalized with a smile is in. Never let it be said the Democrats can't play ball—we're the party of Bill Bradley, former pro ball player."

Others, like the nine Democratic presidential candidates, echoed the sentiments.

"The day of the Kennedy Democrats is over," said some unmemorable besuited candidate. "In fact, all the good Kennedys are dead. Even George Kennedy. Clinton knew how to make the voters clap along by doing a lot of the same things the Republicans did, but reminding them, 'I feel your pain.' Not that he made it stop. It was more like a mutual thing: 'Ouch. Didn't that hurt? Well, what are you gonna do?'"

It was at that point the unnamed candidate continued to wander off topic and event moderator George Stephanopoulos chided him with a firm but kind, "Don't go there."

Candidate and Missouri Rep. Dick Gephardt fervently agreed, while distancing himself from his opponent. "I say my friend, whose name I cannot recall, does not go far enough. The Democrats must distinguish themselves as a party more like the Republicans than ever before. I say more rhetoric! And when the public thinks that's un-American, denounce the rhetoric you've already said. The time of seeking to stabilize our party with the votes of minorities is long gone. After all, if Florida is a key state once again, black voters will likely be as purposely disenfranchised as last time. It is up to us to seek the votes likely to go to Bush, the votes Florida will not throw away."

Longshot candidate Al Sharpton appeared to have strident words to challenge Gephardt's statement, but his reply was not heard as no one had really plugged his microphone in.

Sitting president and pretend military leader George W. Bush said he did not have comments prepared to respond to the Democratic critiques, believing the Democrats had been ousted from power by Operation Enduring Freedom.

Okay, time to admit: Boris misses the war movie.

For long times Boris can turn on televisions and see good movie about America war with sand castle persons. Very good movie where America knocks down big metal robot bad guy at end, that is the happy ending. Sorry if you have not seen end, Boris ruin surprise.

Everyone love this movie, even more than Mermaids with pretty man who is Cher. Every persons talk about it all times. Famous part is when funny French persons says "No thanks!" about war, is funny because French persons is not supposed to talk. Or else they are put in invisible box. So all persons is mad that French people speaking. Louis is so mad he does not buy French things, no more Emmanuelle videos for him. But Louis still make toast with syrup for breakfast, him just call it hobo pancake now. That is good thinking.

Now war movie is over, and only thing like this on TV is war with Klinger. Louis like this one too but Boris think it is not so good. Don't not tell Louis, but Boris think Klinger war is sometimes silly.

War which is over was very serious movie with good persons, like George Bush. George Bush is important like dog which takes bite out of crime. Both are good. Boris sees one person on TV who does not like George Bush, but he was joking. Just saying funny, George Bush does not really wear helmet all times when not on TV. But what if was true? So funny, to wear helmet for walking into things.

Boris favorite part of movie is sand castle man who is comedian, he is always on like "We are winning!" when city is falling down. Boris hoping he has own show now after war movie is over, to say thing like "It is not raining!" when he is standing in rain. Would be funny, or maybe just for commercial.

New movie on televisions is not so good, Chinese persons is sick with cough. Sorry movie, is boring. Boris is sad with new movie, but Louis say not to worry. All persons loved war movie so much already them are making new one. Boris hopes new war has Ben Afflecks this time.

Boris thinking in new movie bad guy could come back even after he is shot so many times. Is exciting when this happens.

Until is time for new movie, Boris makes friends for talking. All over place, everyone is Boris friend. Sexed girls on commercial is friend first, but they all want to talk about credit cards all the time, so too boring. Soon Boris learns that friends will come to door for free when them is Jehomos Witnesses persons. Funny story. First time them come when Boris is looking under couch for dollar to buy snack bar, and doorbell is ringing but Boris is stuck!

"Do not take off your pants, Boris is coming!"

Thanks that Boris is getting unstuck before Jehomo friends is gone. Because we have good times eating fun snacks and talking about lord. Or as Louis call him, Jesus Fucking Christ. Jehomo friends not call him this, but is okay. Not all persons as smart as Louis.

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