Cheney, Halliburton Connection Under Close Scrutiny

uestions raised in the past week about the conflict of interests between Vice-President Dick Cheney and contracts awarded to his former firm Halliburton and its subsidiaries have given Democrats a weak spot in criticizing the information. The controversy rose to attention upon revelation that a 2-year contract with Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root to put out oil fires, repair the Iraqi oil infrastructure, and clean up oil spills could mean as much as $7 billion for the company, which Cheney was CEO of for five years before becoming the president's running mate.

The company denies any impropriety, despite senior Democratic Congressman saying the lack of any competitors and the multi-year nature of the contract is highly questionable. Halliburton spokespeople say the $7 billion return is a cap, and the real return will be as little as $490 million. The distinct sound of giggling was possibly in the background.

Deeper investigation has raised more issues with the Halliburton-Cheney connection. Subsidiary company Orlando-Dawn is the leading maker of yellow ribbons, and had been going out of business for nearly ten years before the Bush administration began its military efforts against Iraq, leading some Democrats to claim Cheney's manipulation has again resulted in increased profits for his former company.

Other beneficiaries of the Iraq war have been Keymint, makers of pro-Bush picket signs; Igog, makers of the "Dunk Saddam!" online video game; and the Stubborn Jackass country, which makes American flag-themed apparel and T-shirts reading "These colors don't run"—all Halliburton subsidiaries.

"It's hardly surprising our interests would match those of the Vice-President's," defended Halliburton spokesperson Mitchell Weeze, a tall oily guy on the thin side with a mysterious lazy eye. "Vice-President Cheney and Halliburton made for a mutually beneficial alliance because we believe in the same things—America, the military, and imposing justice on other countries. It doesn't mean anything improper occurred in the administration's decision-making or the contracts awarded our companies."

Harder to explain were other revelations later in the week, such as the contract proposed that Halliburton would paint the White House a new off-white eggshell color over the summer. The contract, which was discussed and had not been awarded yet, was even more questionable since none of Halliburton's subsidiaries are involved in professional house painting. An administration insider said the exclusive contract would have been for $120 million and would have required Halliburton executives to paint the White House over a series of weekends off the company clock.

The same insider, a man who identified himself as Donald Rumsfeld's brother Sammy, said perks of future contracts would include extra keys to the White House doors and the privilege of crashing in spare White House bedrooms whenever board members were in town—or on the floor, if that's cool with them.

Cheney responded quickly, with Cheney-grade antagonism.

"All of those purported benefits are completely, utterly fabricated," said Cheney in a press release Friday. "The deal was they could stay in the guest bungalow out back. If they think we're giving up White House bedrooms for less than 7-figure campaign donations, they're out of their corporate mind."

ollowing the Wednesday claiming of Baghdad by U.S. forces, pro-America sentiment has surged all around the media and certain circles in the city. Iraqis everywhere are extremely delighted to come and support the armed troops in their city and the possible death of Saddam Hussein. But the larger issue for most is the fall of Hussein's regime.

"It is the happiest day in the history of Iraq," said an unidentified translator. "For years Iraq was a free country under British rule, and then Saddam took over and we lived under his repressive, anti-American regime. Now we are liberated under America!"

Many Iraqi citizens showed support of the U.S. by liberating oppressed televisions, stereos, and office supply furniture from local stores. One U.S. serviceman said the sight brought a tear to his eye and reminded him of his hometown, Los Angeles.

Also liberated by days of American bombings are the country's electricity and water lines, countless physical structures, and many Iraqi people. Most notable among the missing and possibly-dead is Saddam Hussein and one or more of his two sons, Uday and Odai. Others that may have been in the bombed bunker with Hussein were cousins, uncles, nephews, and half-brothers Tumay, Uskay, Ajay, Ebay, Uxay, Umay, Igay, Ogay, Ugay, Imai, and Garfield.

When asked to clarify, field leader Gen. Tony "Iron Shoes" Credenza replied, "We believe it was a very large bunker, with lots of seating space."

The outpouring of public support for the U.S. strikes many as vindication of the war on Iraq. Despite the antagonism between Western countries raised by the invasion, the rift in the American population, the outrageous price tag to the war, the 100-plus American dead and many wounded and imprisoned, the countless dead and wounded on Iraq's side, the likelihood of producing stronger anti-Americanism in Arab countries, and the lack of attention given to domestic issues, many agree the footage of Saddam Hussein statues being torn down is quite impressive.

"It is an exhilarating feeling to destroy images of Saddam that have lorded over us for so long," said a 60-something Iraqi citizen with a good grasp of English. "Also I am glad the American troops are tearing down that George Bush welcome mat. I offered to destroy it myself with my sledgehammer, but they didn't bite."

Several in military intelligence are worried about reports that Hussein might not have been killed as believed, but escaped with key Iraqi officials into neighboring Syria. President Bush issued a warning to Syrian leaders in the wake of such reports that if they offered protection to Hussein or any top Iraqi leaders they would be considered no better than American protestors.

Elsewhere in the war, U.S. forces continued to search for chemical or potential nuclear weapons as the troops push northward and have yet to discover any proof of weapons of mass destruction. Early reports of chemical weapons found last week turned out to most likely be chemicals for agricultural purposes; however, the discovery of 50 "suicide bomber" vests gave the White House hope.

"We may have been misquoted in our statement of purpose," said White House spin doctor Murph Harris. "We were actually searching for weapons of meager destruction. And these definitely count."

I hope everybody enjoyed the premiere of Archipelago Law on Thursday. It was the culmination of this year's work for me, as well as a promising new moment in television. What's that? You didn't see it? You didn't even know it was on? No shit.

This is what I'm getting at, folks—promotion. How the hell can a TV show become a hit on UPN when no one promotes it? Forget that it's on UPN. Even shows with a chance for success need to have their potential audience informed that they're going to be on. Am I wrong?

Archipelago Law was treated like third-rate crap from day one by the network. From making Pia Zadora our first episode's big name guest star to forcing us to re-title the pilot from "Island Go-Round" to "Not Suitable for Air." What I don't get is why the UPN executives would spend hundreds of dollars on a potential new hit, think better of it, then refuse to sink more money into its promotion. Hit shows don't make themselves.

And then, THEN, they go and stick the show in a timeslot up against a new ER—who thought they'd win that ratings war? Most UPN affiliates don't even air 10 o'clock programming, they air the news or the farmer's market report or something. So even if you wanted to watch Archipelago Law, the first network show about justice on a small peninsula, you don't know when it's on or if you can even get it.

I got a tape from a friend yesterday and was sorely disappointed to see the network sabotage ran even deeper. As if it wasn't bad enough they tried to keep our show a secret like they were ashamed of it, I saw they completely replaced the lovable actor playing the red-haired kid "Tubby" with another rotund red-headed kid. I imagine he didn't test well with focus groups, too many freckles or some weird focus group fetish thing. Then they edited our 2-hour pilot down to one confusing hour where I couldn't figure out what was going on, and I starred in it. Then they cut at least half of my speaking lines, leaving me with just the one. Network executives may know what they're doing when it comes to appeasing affiliates, but they have no idea what constitutes good island justice entertainment.

Needless to say, I haven't seen the hard numbers yet, but I'm not waiting for them to call for more episodes. You just can't work with major networks to make a good television show these days. If you ask me, and for the purpose of this diatribe let's pretend you did, networks have grown fat and complacent, like Kelly Rippa. They need more competition, real fresh programming that comes into your house and shakes things up. Like HBO, without having to pay for it, and without showing The Mummy so much. But keep the nudity, strong language, and adult situations.

Believe me, if I had the money and general motivation to do anything constructive, I'd be the first to do it. Free TV! Like some kind of World War II radio station, broadcasting shows that challenge the paradigm and shift demographics and other pointless marketing lingo. Only for TV instead of radio. Something break up the monopoly, and knock all those little red hotels off the board.

That's the TV of tomorrow, folks, and I'll be proud to be a part of it. In the meantime, I'd better get a list of auditions together again.

º Last Column: Fight the Power
º more columns