Cheney, Halliburton Connection Under Close Scrutiny

uestions raised in the past week about the conflict of interests between Vice-President Dick Cheney and contracts awarded to his former firm Halliburton and its subsidiaries have given Democrats a weak spot in criticizing the information. The controversy rose to attention upon revelation that a 2-year contract with Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root to put out oil fires, repair the Iraqi oil infrastructure, and clean up oil spills could mean as much as $7 billion for the company, which Cheney was CEO of for five years before becoming the president's running mate.

The company denies any impropriety, despite senior Democratic Congressman saying the lack of any competitors and the multi-year nature of the contract is highly questionable. Halliburton spokespeople say the $7 billion return is a cap, and the real return will be as little as $490 million. The distinct sound of giggling was possibly in the background.

Deeper investigation has raised more issues with the Halliburton-Cheney connection. Subsidiary company Orlando-Dawn is the leading maker of yellow ribbons, and had been going out of business for nearly ten years before the Bush administration began its military efforts against Iraq, leading some Democrats to claim Cheney's manipulation has again resulted in increased profits for his former company.

Other beneficiaries of the Iraq war have been Keymint, makers of pro-Bush picket signs; Igog, makers of the "Dunk Saddam!" online video game; and the Stubborn Jackass country, which makes American flag-themed apparel and T-shirts reading "These colors don't run"—all Halliburton subsidiaries.

"It's hardly surprising our interests would match those of the Vice-President's," defended Halliburton spokesperson Mitchell Weeze, a tall oily guy on the thin side with a mysterious lazy eye. "Vice-President Cheney and Halliburton made for a mutually beneficial alliance because we believe in the same things—America, the military, and imposing justice on other countries. It doesn't mean anything improper occurred in the administration's decision-making or the contracts awarded our companies."

Harder to explain were other revelations later in the week, such as the contract proposed that Halliburton would paint the White House a new off-white eggshell color over the summer. The contract, which was discussed and had not been awarded yet, was even more questionable since none of Halliburton's subsidiaries are involved in professional house painting. An administration insider said the exclusive contract would have been for $120 million and would have required Halliburton executives to paint the White House over a series of weekends off the company clock.

The same insider, a man who identified himself as Donald Rumsfeld's brother Sammy, said perks of future contracts would include extra keys to the White House doors and the privilege of crashing in spare White House bedrooms whenever board members were in town—or on the floor, if that's cool with them.

Cheney responded quickly, with Cheney-grade antagonism.

"All of those purported benefits are completely, utterly fabricated," said Cheney in a press release Friday. "The deal was they could stay in the guest bungalow out back. If they think we're giving up White House bedrooms for less than 7-figure campaign donations, they're out of their corporate mind."

ollowing the Wednesday claiming of Baghdad by U.S. forces, pro-America sentiment has surged all around the media and certain circles in the city. Iraqis everywhere are extremely delighted to come and support the armed troops in their city and the possible death of Saddam Hussein. But the larger issue for most is the fall of Hussein's regime.

"It is the happiest day in the history of Iraq," said an unidentified translator. "For years Iraq was a free country under British rule, and then Saddam took over and we lived under his repressive, anti-American regime. Now we are liberated under America!"

Many Iraqi citizens showed support of the U.S. by liberating oppressed televisions, stereos, and office supply furniture from local stores. One U.S. serviceman said the sight brought a tear to his eye and reminded him of his hometown, Los Angeles.

Also liberated by days of American bombings are the country's electricity and water lines, countless physical structures, and many Iraqi people. Most notable among the missing and possibly-dead is Saddam Hussein and one or more of his two sons, Uday and Odai. Others that may have been in the bombed bunker with Hussein were cousins, uncles, nephews, and half-brothers Tumay, Uskay, Ajay, Ebay, Uxay, Umay, Igay, Ogay, Ugay, Imai, and Garfield.

When asked to clarify, field leader Gen. Tony "Iron Shoes" Credenza replied, "We believe it was a very large bunker, with lots of seating space."

The outpouring of public support for the U.S. strikes many as vindication of the war on Iraq. Despite the antagonism between Western countries raised by the invasion, the rift in the American population, the outrageous price tag to the war, the 100-plus American dead and many wounded and imprisoned, the countless dead and wounded on Iraq's side, the likelihood of producing stronger anti-Americanism in Arab countries, and the lack of attention given to domestic issues, many agree the footage of Saddam Hussein statues being torn down is quite impressive.

"It is an exhilarating feeling to destroy images of Saddam that have lorded over us for so long," said a 60-something Iraqi citizen with a good grasp of English. "Also I am glad the American troops are tearing down that George Bush welcome mat. I offered to destroy it myself with my sledgehammer, but they didn't bite."

Several in military intelligence are worried about reports that Hussein might not have been killed as believed, but escaped with key Iraqi officials into neighboring Syria. President Bush issued a warning to Syrian leaders in the wake of such reports that if they offered protection to Hussein or any top Iraqi leaders they would be considered no better than American protestors.

Elsewhere in the war, U.S. forces continued to search for chemical or potential nuclear weapons as the troops push northward and have yet to discover any proof of weapons of mass destruction. Early reports of chemical weapons found last week turned out to most likely be chemicals for agricultural purposes; however, the discovery of 50 "suicide bomber" vests gave the White House hope.

"We may have been misquoted in our statement of purpose," said White House spin doctor Murph Harris. "We were actually searching for weapons of meager destruction. And these definitely count."

The Greek philosopher Plato introduced most of us to the concept of Atlantis through his writings and limericks in ancient times. Others didn't hear about it until they made it into a happy meal. But regardless of its origins, Atlantis is a concept that has fascinated man for ages, like deodorant socks.

Plato described Atlantis as a 24-hour party island located west of the Mediterranean, by most interpretations. This is an idea that has stuck, because it sounds fun and everybody digs party islands. Others have interpreted his writings to indicate that Atlantis was anything from a cheese-filled Danish to a promiscuous teenage girl who, borrowing a term from the modern poet, was Plato's "Cherry Pie." But since many of these interpreters never actually bothered to learn ancient Greek, we're going to stick with the party island theory.

Throughout the ages much debate has arisen over the location of Atlantis. Many scholars have argued that it simply doesn't exist, and that Plato was just yanking our spank. Other scholars have argued that fuck you, what do you know about Plato, you spank-yankers? A third group of scholars called for a more civilized debate, and were pantsed.

Many others believe the remains of Atlantis make up the Bahamas, thanks to a famous 1932 reading by Edgar Cayce of striking-out baseball fame. In 1969, geometric stone slabs were found underwater at Bimini in the Bahamas that seemed to add credence to this theory. Believers claimed they were part of an ancient Atlantian roadway, while skeptics argued that's fucking crazy.

In 1970 Dr. Ray Brown claimed that he was scuba diving near the Bari Islands when he found a huge underwater pyramid that was lit from within. Without missing a beat, skeptics argued that he was the one lit from within, and they had to be shushed. Inside the pyramid he allegedly found a crystal sphere, which he said gave him God-like powers. Unfortunately, he couldn't show the sphere to anyone or exhibit the powers in any way, since that would be hot-dogging. While many respect the cleverness of his hot-dogging defense, few believe Dr. Ray actually found the crystal, or graduated from high school. The piece of shit Datsun he still drives to this day would seem to prove them right on both counts.

Some fringe theorists believe that Antarctica is actually Atlantis, and that the island boogied on south when the earth's crust slipped, in ancient times. Despite charges that they're the ones who had their crust slip, believers of this theory point to an ancient Egyptian map that shows Atlantis near the current location of Antarctica, and gives the island a shape corresponding closely to the land mass only-recently known to exist beneath Antarctica's ice. This amazing evidence might be more convincing if the map itself did not have a "Crazy Maze" game printed on the back, however.

Other theorists argue that Atlantis is located in silly places like Mexico or England, but most of them just want to be loved. One tantalizing theory has it that Atlantis was actually a nearby planet which exploded, most likely from placing too much faith in people like Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck.

In 2001, scientists searching for a cure for baldness made an extraordinary find off the coast of Cuba. Sonar imaging revealed a vast plateau of geometric rock formations 2,200 feet below the surface, hinting at pyramids, roads, buildings, and several Starbucks. This begs the question: Will this finally be the elusive proof of Atlantis that crackpots have spend ages in search of?

No.

º Last Column: Sand in the Vaseline: The History of Iraq
º more columns