s another step forward in the country's re-constitutionalizing, the president decreed that it was acceptable for health officials to quarantine anyone suspected of having the SARS flu, an epidemic which has killed more than 120 people worldwide. The largest number of victims have so far been in Hong Kong, a nation renowned for people who do their own stunts.

When questioned if the administration had the power to approve such orders, large masked men detained the reporter violently and he was dragged screaming into a back room of the West Wing. Remaining correspondents looked away and tried not to make eye contact.

SARS, which may or may not stand for Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, is reaching epidemic proportions in some areas of the world. Already international flights have brought suspected SARS carriers to the United States and allowed the spread of the disease across the Atlantic and Pacific and other oceans.

Also reaching epidemic proportions, according to the Bush administration: Mouthy celebrities.

A week after his April 4 SARS quarantine executive order, Bush issued another order that allowed for temporary restraint of celebrities showing dissent on the subject of the Iraq war. Federal agents moved quickly to tranquilize Michael Moore in his New York home and seize any possible sardonic footage accrued for a future documentary.

Though no other celebrities have been selected for quarantine as of yet, many are under strict warning to reduce symptoms of celebrity activism or face forced isolation. Talk show appearances and awards shows will be monitored especially close for signs of infective dissent.

Among the most closely watched celebrities are notorious leftist opposition and those who have recent displayed insurgent opinions prior to the start of the war. Martin Sheen will still appear on NBC's drama The West Wing, but all other appearances are subject to administration approval. Those in fear of the contagious verbosity of Sheen or other actors can have their televisions adapted with special chips that sense liberal claptrap and automatically switch the channel to Fox News.

Other precautions have been taken as well. An anniversary showing of Bull Durham at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown was called off when former Reagan aid and Hall of Fame president Peretsky worried about the communicable ideas of film stars Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. Also not recommended for viewing is The Banger Sisters, but the administration affirms it is for entirely different reasons.

The most surprising addition to the list of possibly infected celebrities in the past month was Texas' own the Dixie Chicks, but an investigation has begun to root out the cause of the band's newfound radicalism. Early indications suggest that the Dixie Chicks played a venue after the Beastie Boys within the past six months and singer Natalie Manes may have had close contact with a microphone used by Ad-Rock.

The administration assures the public that SARS and activist quarantines are not expected to last longer than a few months, but then asks what we would do about it even if they were.

any purported to be surprised by the results of a random poll Thursday of living Americans to find high numbers in support of happiness and/or general well-being all around. While the poll results don't show express support for the administration or opposition to the war on Iraq, many responders suggested that happiness for everyone was something they favored.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being "most strongly agree" and 1 being "most strongly disagree," nearly 99.3% answered with 10 the question, "Would you like for everybody to be happy?" With a 3% margin of error, .6% ranked between 1 and 9 in their responses to the same question, while .1% were undecided on whether they wanted everyone to be happy.

According to the report, the results were clear across demographic boundaries. Republicans, Democrats, and independents were all generally in favor of happiness for everyone, as were women and men, most whites and members of minority groups. Incomes ranging from high to very low, even poverty levels, responded similarly, as did Christians, Muslims, and those of other faiths. In general, uncertainty was expressed among 28-year-old white middle class Christian men named Trevor Bancroft, who sounded like they might have been drinking a little.

A very high number of respondents also expressed a distaste for bad things. Many stated that if they had their way, they would do away with bad things altogether, while a small number expressed a philosophical opinion that bad things might be sometimes necessary for the twain purposes of breaking up monotony and making good things seem better.

While varying numbers expressed support or disagreement with military action in Iraq, high numbers again responded in favor of everyone getting along with each other. Some suggested putting aside differences in favor of working together in harmony, but their suggestions were batted aside with sarcastic statements that the poll wasn't a democracy.

The poll results follows a confusing month for pollsters, who have been reporting seemingly contradictory results that show Americans have strongly supported U.S. troops and at the same time have been against war. Polling companies are saying it's a pleasant change to find so many Americans agreeing on the subject of happiness.

Poll experts, which we are assured exist, are describing the high numbers as a rare artifact in polling. Such high similar responses in a poll have not been reported since 1995's poll on whether or not child abuse was good, 1992's poll on whether or not people were afraid of dying, and 1985's poll on who preferred Pepsi to Coke, taken by the Coca-Cola Company as part of an advertising campaign.

A recent poll of girls hanging out in the food court at the mall has yielded this unexpected result: the words most commonly associated with Omar Bricks in the minds of teenage girls are these: cocky good-looking son of a bitch. Actually, those were three separate entries, but I like the way they run together. The good-looking part actually came from a guy working at the novelty gift store; I'm not sure how he got a hold of one of the ballots. But I kept it in the mix, for scientific reasons and because I think it was probably a back-up choice in the minds of most of the food court girls. Makes sense.

Before you jump to any ludicrous conclusions, let me first off say that the "son of a bitch" part didn't bother me. As far as I'm concerned, that's between teenage girls and Mama Bricks exclusively. If any bare-midriffed mallrats have a problem with the way Mama Bricks butters her bread, they know where to find her. As she's fond of saying, I'd just recommend bringing several friends and a first aid kit, that's all.

Nope, what really set off my bullshit alarm (I recently had to have it recalibrated after watching half of the State of the Union address on TV before I realized it wasn't Sesame Street) was the "cocky" bit. I mean, what a bitch. Whichever one of them it was. Omar Bricks is a lot of things, including the masked daredevil who jumped a dirt bike over the turnstiles at the State Fair last year (I would have got away with it if it weren't for the blabbermouth working at the cotton candy booth that broke my fall), but cocky? That really takes some imagination.

Omar Bricks is, and presumably always will be (unless I wake up with super powers one day or something, then screw it) one modest motherfucker. I haven't taken credit for half of the amazing shit I've done and haven't called out one-third of the fronting wannabes who don't deserve to lick the sweat off my balls. And not because I lacked the vocabulary to adequately explain my innate superiority, either. Omar Bricks has made up more words to describe his bitchin'ness than most suckers have ever even heard of.

Everyone seems to forget the time years ago when I saved all those little kids from the apartment building that burnt down after my porno collection caught on fire. They wanted to put my picture in the paper with this ass-kicking article about how I had braved certain exposure to uncomfortable temperatures to throw those kids off the balcony to safety. They would have been screwed if I hadn't been there, since the stacks and stacks of XXX magazines (and enough pizza boxes to build a fort) stoked the fire into some kind of special effects inferno, and nobody had hauled away the mattress I threw out that was blocking the hallway. But when the time came for my fifteen minutes of newspaper glory, I said no way, Jose (the guy's name, I think). Omar Bricks isn't in it for the glory. Saving those kids and making out with their mom behind a fire truck was reward enough for me.

What kind of cocky son of a bitch lets a cherry story like that go untold? (Before today, anyway.) Nobody I know. Most guys would have it printed up on a shirt that said "AWESOME HERO" on the back. But not Omar Bricks, Modest Motherfucker. Besides, that shit's expensive and they charge by the letter.

Clearly there's some player-hating going on down at the mall, and that's the kind of shit for which Omar Bricks cannot stand. Next time I see those girls they can buy their own goddamned frozen yogurt.

Bricks out.

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