80s Rock Icon Don Johnson Denies Money Laundering Allegations

he entangled world of celebrity indictments grew thicker this week with questions arising concerning an alleged money-laundering scam involving popular '80s contemporary rock star Don Johnson. Johnson, most famous for his 1986 Billboard top 5 hit "Heartbeat," denied the accusations unequivocally.

According to an unnamed German source we're calling Sigfried, Johnson was found carrying $8 billion in cash, bonds, and share certificates which sparked an investigation of money laundering by authorities. Evidence verifying or nullifying the claim has been slow to surface.

Johnson, a successful '80s pop vocalist/songwriter, called the rumors "ill-founded and farcical," though outside sources claim the actual quote was "farcical and ill-founded." According to the stylish, gravel-voiced singer, the unfounded accusations have already caused him embarrassment and irreparable career damage: Two credit card accounts have been closed for investigation and the Epic record label has dropped the artist, approximately 2 weeks to 14 years ago.

The charges seem compounded in the wake of other celebrity criminal news, including the ongoing preliminary trial of actor Robert Blake for the murder of wife Bonnie Lee Bakley, as well as the shoplifting trial of Winona Ryder and implications of extortion and mafia connections to kung fu master Steven Seagal. Statistics invented quite recently suggest the American public has grown weary of celebrity scandal and grows more inclined to believe charges, even when presented without evidence.

Johnson became a dominant force in contemporary rock with his 1986 album Heartbeat and the eponymous single, which rose high on Billboard charts and established a new soundscape for late-'80s rock. Aided by Johnson's dry golden hair and rugged, stubble-laden good looks, as well as his penchant for sockless pastel slacks and sport jackets, Johnson's strong feel for powerful synth music and evocative lyrics established him as a rising star in rock. However, a lag in returning to the studio made Johnson's work on the similar Let it Roll sound dated and familiar in 1989. The popularity of his music paved the way for Johnson's work in other projects, such as TV's detective show Miami Vice and Melanie Griffith. Johnson became reclusive after the disappointment of his follow-up album, rarely appearing movies, refusing to do interviews, and accepting a role in a Friday night CBS television series.

Hopes for a musical comeback diminish in the wake of the money-laundering allegations. Some insiders suggest Johnson, a perfectionist with his music, had been working on his follow-up album since 1992 in a secretive sound studio in Los Angeles, foregoing his well-established "Miami sound." Others say plans for a project for a Traveling Wilburys-type supergroup with Bruce Willis, David Hasselhoff, Jim McMahon, and Dogstar bassist Keanu Reeves have been indefinitely sidelined.

ast-minute attempts at peaceful resolutions having likely failed, the United States presumably entered into war with Iraq again Monday, March 17 at some undisclosed time in the day. Though the information has yet to be verified, it is supported by popular opinion, with degrees of variation on the exact time and date, March 17 being the earliest estimation and March 19 the latest.

The hypothetical war came after months of accusations from the Bush administration that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein was harboring biological weapons and had the potential to create weapons of mass destruction. The debate deteriorated in recent months into press bytes back and forth between the countries as Bush attempted to curry favor with the U.N. and receive backing for military action in accordance with resolutions Iraq signed after cessation of the Gulf War, also known as "Bush Vs. Iraq: Round 1" among funnier members of the staff.

The preceding week brought the tension to full as Bush, responding to the irritation of the American people, announced a March 17 deadline for Iraq to disarm its real or imaginary weapons and the administration haggled with opposing members of the U.N. security counsel for approval to the deadline. As Saddam Hussein had yet to meet the ambiguous guidelines of the deadline date, it is 99.9% probable that the United States felt no recourse but to begin war with Iraq on March 17.

All signs point to elongated periods of carpet bombings of marked Iraqi weapons sites, with claims of civilian casualties by Iraq already supposedly rising as the U.S. undoubtedly insisted all targets are verified as weapons facilities. If all goes according to military plans established months ago, bombing most likely will cease around March 19 as troops move in for implied ground war.

Though U.S. opinion will be mixed, the majority of Americans will most likely support the war with the assumption its unpatriotic to disagree in a time of war. After weeks of continued warfare with reassurance from the president U.S. troops are making progress in their goals, the larger population will tire of the war news and urge the president to resolve the whole mess quicker, sparking claims that while Saddam Hussein has presumably not been removed from power, objectives to locate and disarm weapons as a greater goal have been successful, and Saddam Hussein can be hobbled permanently by sanctions and treaties.

Without a doubt, the price tag for the war will have dug the United States deeper into debt and made the outlook for the economy bleaker, which the Democratic candidates for the presidency will jump on despite their expressions of approval for the war during its time. As jobs disappear and wages continue to drop, the approval rating for the Bush administration will reach all-time lows, despite achieving near-record highs during late 2001 to early 2003. All attempts to turn attention to domestic issues will come too late and Americans will join in bitter debates with each other as the country probably grows even more divisive, yet in an extremely close presidential election in 2004 the as-yet-unnamed Democratic candidate will win the electoral college vote by a significant margin, while the disparity in the popular vote, while still in his or her favor, will be much closer.

Theoretical details of long-term side-effects of American soldiers exposed to the irradiated munitions of their weapons could not be hypothesized at press time. Further information will come as clearer patterns of repetition emerge.

Someone, somewhere will be watching you get undressed tonight. True! And not on pirated closed-circuit television or other such Big Brotherly technological nightmare, either, your fears have been as misplaced as the cap from a tube of Anusal. Unless, of course, your landlord has drilled a hole in your floor through which he has inserted a tiny fiber-optic camera, which he can rotate by hand. If that's the case, then yes, your nakedness is all over the Internet by now. And I might suggest a more sincere dedication to physical fitness in the future, for God's green sake.

But for the rest of us, it's not some high-tech boogeyman that should be keeping us up at night, clutching our covers in fright. It's the good old-fashioned boogeymen of astral projecting adolescent shut-ins who drift through our walls unseen like horny ghosts at all hours of the day and night. I don't care if you're a brick house in literal size, not everyone fancies rail-thin supermodel types or even people with symmetrical features. Bumperstickered denials aside, some just dig on fatties.

Teens are the one segment of our society who have far too much time on their hands and who, unlike retirees, have not yet discovered golf. Most teens fill this surfeit of free time with sex, drugs and cow tipping. But many of those cut off from these time-killing endeavors by a lack of social graces or surplus of intelligence have turned to investigating the occult and such socially-discouraged practices as astral projection, lucid dreaming and reading.

Many have feared the observation of their innermost secrets by extra-terrestrials perched upon the moon, using telescopic devices. No doubt, several popular songs have been written on the subject. Extra-terrestrials on the moon? Well who do you think lives there, Smurfs? Don't be crazy.

However, if the extra-terrestrials on the moon are famous for one thing (besides scaring the holy Jesus out of astronauts in comical ways), it's their poor eyesight. They can no more see what you're burying in your backyard than you can see their moon-dirt sandcastles or mermaids (moonmaidens?) that bear a striking resemblance to earth's own Anna Nicole Smith.

No, the major problem that faces us today are these astral-cruising teens. With little regard for locked doors or "Do Not Enter: Naked Zone" signs, they flit about our private residences like moths in a pickle jar. You can line your walls with lead, or its popular substitute, aluminum foil, but it will slow them down not one bit. Drenching the foyer with chicken blood or nailing a cow's tongue to your front door: again, fun hobbies that have little preventative effect on these astral trespassers.

The Pentagon itself has gone to great lengths to study this very problem, as astral-projecting teens had been leaving all of their confidential documents oily and stained for years. And what is worse, they never put the caps back on the 2-liters of cola when they're done. Thankfully for the Pentagon, the average American teen is about as articulate as an autistic and has the credibility of a porn actress embarking on a singing career, so no sensitive information was ever dangerously compromised. However, the mere fact of this security loophole irked the higher-ups, men who are not fond of being irked.

For years they experimented with high-tech solutions: bombarding the atmosphere with ions, importing Tibetan monks to chant and create barriers of sound vibration, and painting the whole building black to make it hard to navigate in the dark. However, in the end they found the most effective method was simply to leave one room empty and to cover its walls with dorm room posters of popular cheesecake factories such as Jenny McCarthy, Carmen Electra and Shelley Duvall. This didn't keep the teens out, mind you, but they tended to spend all of their time in the poster room and therefore stayed away from the sensitive governmental information.

This selfsame government-developed technology can be put to use in your own home, for a minimal expense in beat-off posters and double-sided tape. And if you have a son, using his room for the experiment will gain you a friend for life. Keep any old people you might own out of this room, however, as they may both scare off the teens and run up outrageous long-distance bills trying to call Bill Murray and Harold Ramis for help from inside the closet.

º Last Column: A Return to Niceness
º more columns