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Kim Jong Il Claims U.S. Spy Plane Taking Nude PhotosNorth Korean leader accuses U.S. of provoking war, peeping March 3, 2003 |
Seoul, South Korea Snapper McGee South Korean protestors ridicule Kim Jong Il's claim by posting only his head on their signs, to stress how little they want to see his body, even clothed.
Kim Jong Il stated Wednesday that the United States was trying to "start a war" with the prolific spy plane invasions of airspace, and accused the U.S. of 180 such incidents last month. The ultimate insult, Jong Il reported in the official Rodong Sinmun newspaper, was that those spy planes were equipped with high-tech cameras able to peer into walls and photograph him naked. These naked pictures, Jong Il told the country, would be placed on websites to humiliate the North Korean leader and the country as a whole.
orth Korean leader and Roy Orbison impersonator Kim Jong Il broke the crazy-o-meter this week with claims that U.S. spy planes were provoking war by taking photos of covert military operations and attempting to acquire nude pictures of him in the shower.
Kim Jong Il stated Wednesday that the United States was trying to "start a war" with the prolific spy plane invasions of airspace, and accused the U.S. of 180 such incidents last month. The ultimate insult, Jong Il reported in the official Rodong Sinmun newspaper, was that those spy planes were equipped with high-tech cameras able to peer into walls and photograph him naked. These naked pictures, Jong Il told the country, would be placed on websites to humiliate the North Korean leader and the country as a whole.
When asked for comment, White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer responded: "You want a comment? Come on, people. This is one of those rare instances where you can't possibly expect me to put any spin on the situation. Kim Jong Il certainly has interesting ideas about what our technology is capable of. Just in case he's monitoring our media sources, I will state for the record: This administration has no interest in seeing Mr. Jong Il naked. Under any circumstances, in any setting."
Despite the White House's claims, Kim Jong Il may be able to present proof of his accusations. A search of Google for "chubby Korean man nude shower" revealed quite a number of pictures, any of whom could have been Kim Jong Il.
According to Rodong Sinmun, the voice of the North Korean government, "Americans seek to shame the Korean people and its leader. To see people naked is the only American goal. Elaborate high-tech spy plane will attempt nude picture collection of the great Kim Jong Il, then post him for all to see on billboard Internet, to much laughter, shame, and masturbation. Once Americans feel superior all Koreans will be pictured naked on world wide webs."
Consulted about the accusations, Pentagon officials unequivocally stated the charges were ludicrous.
"Trust me," said Gen. Anvill Poke, "the technology to see people naked, especially through walls, is extremely far off in the future and not a focus of any of our weapons development plans. Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm even answering this—what kind of newspaper are you from again? Look, if we had the capability to see through walls and take pictures of people naked why would we go to North Korea? Personally, I'd find the address of that girl from J.A.G. and do a few hundred passes over that house."
University of Tennessee Anthropology professor Kristin Blakebobber described the North Korean mentality: "These people are not all that different from us—they merely lack information about the world outside. To them, a very private and nationalistic people, this seems like a particularly egregious insult by the United States, if proven true. They already believe our country despises theirs for their way of life and would like to destroy them. Given their respect for concealing the body and modesty, Kim Jong Il is using a phobia and an existing mistrust to stir the anti-U.S. sentiment of his entire nation. If they believe his accusations, they will follow him in whatever stance he takes against the Western world."
While it was very interesting information, Blakebobber was asked to leave the office and not barge in while the reporters are working; she was told she would be contacted by us when we wanted a quote, and left without incident. the commune news has to shower in the locker room wearing underwear, and we have a doctor's note to prove it. Raoul Dunkin fucked a pumpkin, now he jacks off o' lanterns… all this according to the bathroom wall.
 | Great White Pyrotechnics Implicated in Columbia Disaster March 3, 2003 |
Released shuttle footage reveals the band, unscheduled to perform on the shuttle Columbia, gearing up for possible drum solo.
Great White is once bitten, twice shy, and three times an asshole this week. Not only did the gorgeous ladies of ‘80s commercial rock burn down the hottest spot in the Rhode Island night club scene; now NASA is saying crucial video footage of the shuttle shortly before explosion puts the hair band and their infamous pyrotechnics on the scene.
“We have nothing but scratchy de-rezzing video stills,” said NASA blame-thrower Pete Hucksnell, “but we’re reasonably sure that was the ‘80s metal band G...
irl, as if it wasn’t bad enough clubbing’s been more dangerous lately than before they invented the AIDS cocktail, now they found the reason Columbia lit up the sky with their name. And it’s a phrase you’ve heard more than once: Cock rock is responsible. Great White is once bitten, twice shy, and three times an asshole this week. Not only did the gorgeous ladies of ‘80s commercial rock burn down the hottest spot in the Rhode Island night club scene; now NASA is saying crucial video footage of the shuttle shortly before explosion puts the hair band and their infamous pyrotechnics on the scene. “We have nothing but scratchy de-rezzing video stills,” said NASA blame-thrower Pete Hucksnell, “but we’re reasonably sure that was the ‘80s metal band Great White in the aft part of the cockpit. They were in the midst of a first encore, possibly a second, as the craft was approaching its landing perimeter.” When asked what Great White was doing aboard the shuttle, wise-ass Hucksnell said NASA believes it was “Rock Me.” Since the announcement, speculation has been thick as to how Great White got aboard the shuttle, why they were playing a set during landing, and how they successfully escaped the shuttle blast to successfully destroy Rhode Island’s night life more than a week later. “Great White was playing at my club in Jersey shortly afterwards. They used their dangerous pyrotechnics without knowledge of management or any warning to anyone, despite being informed it was against fire safety laws,” said New Jersey night club owner Gary “I Tol’ Ya So” Maxwell. NASA insiders say early opinion is the video footage is genuine, though it was being closely studied to see if it was a prank by Internet jokesters or jealous Winger supporters. At press time, Great White fans were being sought to help NASA I.D. the band, particularly to distinguish them from Warrant, Slaughter, Whitesnake, and any other groups often mistaken for the quintet. Experts were not yet prepared to rule out Mr. Big or Firehouse, though neither band has been seen since the early 1990s. Shuttle design expert and metalhead Garth Study offered explanations. “If it were Kiss or Iron Maiden or a metal band with some degree of mystic power, you could easily theorize how they escaped a shuttle disaster to be seen shortly afterward, uninjured and completely intact,” said Study, brushing peroxide-blond hair from his sunglassed eyes. “But Great White’s only known power was the ability to rock the house. And they had a hell of a stage show! But I guess that’s kinda inappropriate to bring up now. I would place money on it being a Great White cover band, but the fault in that theory is there are none. The space shuttle has no escape pods and all blast re-enactment programs can’t pinpoint any scenarios for survival of anyone, especially a Robert Plant-esque vocalist, a twin-guitar assault team, and tight rhythm section. It’s mathematically mind-boggling.” Estimates are that if Great White can be proven culpable in the shuttle disaster as well, their total body count for 2003 would exceed one hundred. They would officially surpass Black Sabbath as the heavy metal band who killed more people, though Sabbath would still hold the record for encouraged suicides and Satanic sacrifices. the commune news also laments the loss of ‘80s hard rock—ten years go by and all of a sudden wearing a leather vest is gay. Stigmata Spent is perfectly comfortable with her sexual orientation, and would like to invite you and your cute friend to also become comfortable with it later on.
| Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 March 3, 2003 Sign Me Up For a Frivolous Lawsuitthe commune's Omar Bricks is ready to put the sue in "super-rich motherfucker" I heard on the news the other day, or at least the second-hand news, that some dude just won a major cash settlement after he broke into somebody's house and they were out of Oreos. He was robbin' the joint and in the course of carting out the widescreen TVs and Jacuzzis and whatnot, he worked up a powerful hunger for some milk and cookies. So he went to the fridge, poured himself a big glass of milk, and then realized his shit was up a creek because these cruel motherfuckers had gone on vacation without leaving behind any Oreos. Yeah, they had some other cookies, some Soft Batch bullshit, but this dude was hungry for Oreos. And he was just shit out of luck. So when the family got back, he sued their asses for mental anguish, and made out like a bandit. Which is funny because he kind of wa...
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I heard on the news the other day, or at least the second-hand news, that some dude just won a major cash settlement after he broke into somebody's house and they were out of Oreos. He was robbin' the joint and in the course of carting out the widescreen TVs and Jacuzzis and whatnot, he worked up a powerful hunger for some milk and cookies. So he went to the fridge, poured himself a big glass of milk, and then realized his shit was up a creek because these cruel motherfuckers had gone on vacation without leaving behind any Oreos. Yeah, they had some other cookies, some Soft Batch bullshit, but this dude was hungry for Oreos. And he was just shit out of luck. So when the family got back, he sued their asses for mental anguish, and made out like a bandit. Which is funny because he kind of was a bandit anyway.
Now normally I'd be all over that action myself, since I could definitely use the money, but my uncle's diabetic and I don't want to be stuck without cookies in case that shit runs in the family. It's hard to spend those millions when you're planted ass-up in the ground.
But the other day there was something in the paper they use to wrap fish 'n chips about some other dude who was suing the power company because he got shitfaced one night, broke into the power plant, climbed up a transformer tower and was blown clean across the street when he touched the wires. I also heard that his smoking nuts were still stuck to the tower, but that part wasn't in the paper. Probably to protect his family or whatever. Anyway, this dude was suing the power company because they didn't do a good enough job keeping him from blowing his ass up after he pulled the fence down with his truck, kicked down a door and scaled the 50-foot tower buck-naked.
Now after I checked in the mirror for electric burn marks, to make sure I wasn't the dude the papers were talking about, I began to hatch a plan. If this was all true it could be the best thing that ever happened, since it meant my whole life was one big, walking lawsuit. I could make a steady living off this shit without breaking a sweat. It'd be like getting paid to be Omar Bricks.
It's probably a good thing I never finished law school, because I obviously don't have a mind for this stuff. It never occurred to me to sue when I fell through the roof of that Taco bell when Dave and I climbed up there to make off with the bell. Sure, I still came out of the deal with a home décor rarity and conversation piece, but in retrospect I probably could have sued those thin-roof-having assholes out of a couple million, if not a lifetime supply of Nachos BellGrande.
It also never occurred to me that I've been shit on legally every time I've burned the hell out of my mouth on pizza, which is more times than I can count. I always knew those negligent fuckers where making the pizza too hot, but I never realized until now that I have legal recourse. I always just assumed it was my personal responsibility to wait until the cheese stopped bubbling before I bit into the damn thing. Hey, I'm not afraid to admit I was naïve.
But not any more. Now this game's got new rules, and a new name. It's called Omar Bricks Gets Paid For Shit That's Mostly His Fault. And I get the feeling I'm gong to kick some ass at this one. Now I just need to wait for some mishap to come knocking at the door.
Maybe I should buy some rollerskates. Bricks out. º Last Column: This is a Bitchin' Watchº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Love is blindness, deafness, muteness, retardation, spinal bifida, shingles, crotch rot, Alzheimer's, malaria, gout, rubella…”
-Doctor LoveFortune 500 CookieDon't spit, shit, or knit into the wind this week; as a matter of fact—stay out of the wind entirely. And those gibberish Mariachi lyrics you've been humming for the last three years—time to give that a rest. You will be mortified this week to discover that the family camping trips you've been repressing since childhood were the inspiration for Brokeback Mountain, and that you're not actually related to your uncle Phil. This week's lucky colas: Mister Flat, Diet Riot, Vanilla RBX174, Buurp, Cherry Fairy, PreP, Pepsi-dAC.
Try again later.Top Signs You May Be Obese| 1. | File footage of your last beach trip keeps turning up on evening news "Obesity in America" segments | | 2. | Telemarketers disgusted by sounds of your constant eating | | 3. | Farm animals instinctively panic in your presence | | 4. | Buffet mysteriously closed no matter when you arrive | | 5. | You stopped for a snack in the middle of reading this list | |
|   Bin Laden DVD Commentary Reveals Al-Qaeda Secrets BY roland mcshyster 3/3/2003 Humpty Dumpty, America, and welcome to the silent majority's favorite movie review feature. It's Entertainment Police, brought to you by Mike's Hard Turpentine™. It's that time of year when we can start to feel Oscar Fever crawl up the back of our throats… in a few short weeks they'll be handing out the hardware! We'll have a handle on all things Oscar next issue, but for now let's take a whiff of what's wafting through the theater's central air system this week.
In Theaters
Dark Blue
Pitting the LAPD against a genius-level chess-playing computer is a risky strategy for any film, but naming Kurt Russell as the brains behind the human team pushes this one straight into the realm...
Humpty Dumpty, America, and welcome to the silent majority's favorite movie review feature. It's Entertainment Police, brought to you by Mike's Hard Turpentine™. It's that time of year when we can start to feel Oscar Fever crawl up the back of our throats… in a few short weeks they'll be handing out the hardware! We'll have a handle on all things Oscar next issue, but for now let's take a whiff of what's wafting through the theater's central air system this week.
In Theaters
Dark Blue
Pitting the LAPD against a genius-level chess-playing computer is a risky strategy for any film, but naming Kurt Russell as the brains behind the human team pushes this one straight into the realm of science fiction. I suppose it's believable if it's set in the future, and some time between now and then the rest of the human race got hit on the head with the stupid stick a couple dozen times. Anyway, after seeing Dark Blue mop the floor with the Eastern European chess champion on the day his TV broke and got stuck on PBS, Russell becomes convinced that the computer program is behind all drug smuggling in America. He springs to action, leading his fellow cops on a dangerous spree of beating the shit out of anybody they can get their hands on. It doesn't help the drug-smuggling situation, but it does make them feel better. After all, it's not like these beer-swilling retards are really going to outsmart some hyperintelligent computer, come on now.
Old School
Continuing adult education has probably been funnier than this incontinent piece of trash. The potential is definitely there, what with the dean busting students caught with prescription medication, microwaves setting off pacemakers left and right, and half-deaf WWII vets complaining about having the same erection for three years while they're supposed to be learning how to turn a computer on. This could have been funnier than the inauguration address former President Reagan made to Cedar Valley Middle School last year. But instead, it's a lot of bad computer animation and adult diaper jokes that would make even Eddie Murphy scrunch up his nose. Will Ferrell does what he can with a malfunctioning colostomy bag that rings like a cell phone when it's full, but Luke Wilson doesn't have his brother's funny nose, and it shows. If the filmmakers had actually spent some time with old people before making the film, they would have realized that you don't have to invent far-out situations to make them funny, asking them to set up an answering machine will suffice.
Spider
Drawing inspiration from the classic Stephen King short story where the guy hates spiders and then wakes up one morning and he's a spider, Ralph Fiennes' latest picture is sure to confuse and alienate his many fans who are still waiting for him to fly in a biplane and tell romantic stories again. But as his recent roles (Faceeater 3, Little Buck Naked) have shown, that's exactly the kind of thing Fiennes gets off on. That, and making up absurd pronunciations for his name that he insists stupid interviewers and the Entertainment Tonight boobs use. I've always admired Fiennes for his sense of humor, which is well on display in Spider. The film does have some serious moments, but nothing that will distract you too much from how hilarious Fiennes looks in the spider suit. It may be a little too slapstick for highbrow horror fans, but anyone who can't laugh at a giant spider farting on a guy deserves their humorless lot in life.
Studyhall Junkies
Whoever thought this was a cool idea for a movie needs to spend some serious time after school writing behavior-altering slogans on the chalkboard, that's all I know.
The Time-Life Christmas of David Gale
Shoplifting Christmas CDs is obviously a hot button issue these days, so it's hard to argue that this film wasn't inevitable. Some might wonder at what powers within the government kept it from coming out until now. But some people just love to blame things on the government, everything from high taxes to the Vietnam War. The real reason the movie didn't come out until now is because it stinks on ice. If they had released it when there were lots of great movies coming out, it would have been eaten alive. They'd be painting the theater while it was playing. Now that things are slow they can turn the movie on like a bug zapper and figure at least a few hapless souls will wander into the wrong theater on accident. Kevin Spacey proves yet again that he took a method acting approach to being killed in American Beauty, and whoever this claymation robot is who's collecting his paychecks now has incredibly bad taste in scripts. The Shipping News, K-Pax, Pay it Forward and The Bad News Bears: All Growed Up? What's next, The Hee-Haw Movie?
That's that, America, and the that to which I refer is the extent of our movie reviews for the week. Huh? You heard me. Won't you come calling again in a few weeks when we take a peek down Oscar's blouse and ogle the rubber tits within? Uh… good.   |
