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 Hi-fi release packed with extra threats, other bonuses February 17, 2003 |
Vizzlebad, Qatar Cia Dvd Release Dept. Why must they call it a "Special Edition" when it's the only edition available?
In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party.
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he release of a new audio tape purported to be the latest statement by Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday, causing stock drops due to escalating fear of new terrorist attacks. The real story, however, was the Friday release of the video and DVD versions of the statement. The DVD contains a cornucopia of special features and a cast and crew commentary.
In the audio tape, which poor mono audio, bin Laden called for Muslims around the world to martyr themselves in the name of Allah. The Holy War, bin Laden stressed, was strictly in the name of Islamic principles, and not for Muslim governments or nations—bin Laden went on to criticize the Iraqi government, suggesting that socialists were as much infidels as Westerners, a blow to Saddam Hussein's Arab Baath Socialist Party.
The DVD release, containing anamorphic widescreen 1.66:1 picture and DTS 5.1 stereo audio, contained the same basic release as the VHS with a much sharper picture. In addition to the improved presentation, including animated menus, CIA and FBI analysts were particularly looking forward to examining the special features. Included among the 3 hours of additional material were 15 minutes of deleted scenes, "blooper" outtakes, extended fatwa sequences, original production stills and Al-Jazeera press materials, biographies for bin Laden and leading Al-Qaeda leaders, "teaser" trailers for future terrorist attacks, original unreleased statements believed to be bin Laden's first video statement work, and a "Find Osama!" DVD-Rom game.
The real prize, according to Intelligence experts, was the revealing commentary track with bin Laden, Producer Izat Al-Fatid, and Director Mike Conroy.
"We've learned more about Al-Qaeda and their methods from this DVD than any previous efforts," said CIA Press Secretary Kel Mattthews. "And more importantly, I think we get valuable insight in what terrorism means to bin Laden. We're finally seeing the man behind the dogmatic rants."
Matthews suggests the commentary paints a picture of a hardline Muslim with dreams of making himself a tool for Allah, restoring Islam to its rightful place as the leading world religion; it dispels previous notions, according to Matthews, of bin Laden being an ego-maniacal sellout strictly in it for the money and the martyrdom.
"I am not out to make a name for myself," bin Laden says in a recorded segment from the DVD passed on to reporters. "I'm out to make Allah famous. If you're doing it just to kill or to make yourself notorious, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm doing it strictly for the art. The art of religious terrorism."
Besides giving some insight as to how Al-Qaeda potential terrorists are selected and screened, other inside information is revealed by the commentary. For example, bin Laden made the tape from a mansion in Saudi Arabia while on his vacation, and a nearby cave set from a Saudi television show was used to maintain the authentic "Al-Qaeda" feel. Producer Al-Fatid also reveals he and bin Laden had been up extremely late the night before and had head colds, and neither could keep a straight face as bin Laden continually mispronounced "infidels."
Central Intelligence announced they believe, if the DVD and tape can be proven to be Osama bin Laden, it will aid in their efforts to capture the fugitive terrorist and reduce terrorism by Al-Qaeda. They hope before that happens, though, he will record commentary for his earlier, more popular tape releases for their DVD debut. the commune news is now prepared to admit the laserdisc will not overtake the VHS cassette as they previously predicted. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune's foreign correspondent and somehow managed to burn himself while covering this story on one of the only remaining Kuwaiti oil fires from the Gulf War.
 | America's Stoners on 'Extremely High' AlertRetreatists, amateur horticulturists cautious about future February 17, 2003 |
Madison, Wisconsin Snapper McGee An unidentified legalization advocate follows chart instruction, enabling him to ease tension and consider the tenuous nature of molecular bonds.
"American pharmacological enthusiasts are as stressed out as anyone," said journalist J.D. Weber. "The economy is as bad as it gets, war with Iraq is becoming inevitable, and there's tremendous fear of some kind of terrorist attack. Now, more than ever, relief is needed. Primo relief."
Weber is one of the reporters working on a special edition of High Times magazine announcing a status of "Extremely High" Alert, expected to come out in March, assuming the staff doesn'...
ensions in the country are great in recent weeks, and everyone is going to great lengths to alleviate those tensions. Work helps some, planning for tough times makes others feel secure; then, there's America's stoners, who turn to alternative stress relieving systems during times of trouble.
"American pharmacological enthusiasts are as stressed out as anyone," said journalist J.D. Weber. "The economy is as bad as it gets, war with Iraq is becoming inevitable, and there's tremendous fear of some kind of terrorist attack. Now, more than ever, relief is needed. Primo relief."
Weber is one of the reporters working on a special edition of High Times magazine announcing a status of "Extremely High" Alert, expected to come out in March, assuming the staff doesn't flake on getting the layout to the printers in time.
"It's a revolutionary political stance for stoner culture, and High Times magazine by extension, which is the periodical of choice for that culture," stated Weber, very slowly. " High Times has taken political stances before, but this is bigger than the legalization argument. Unless politicians in turn ask us if we think it should be legalized, because we still stand for that. But our worldview is bigger now. These are hard times, and we need hard solutions, big, overflowing plastic bags of hard solutions."
Accompanying the article, High Times will be introducing a color-coded "Buzz-Killer" chart. Included on the chart will be colors correlated to the intensity of the threat the country is currently experiencing, as well as a number of hand-rolled cigarettes depicted that increase in number depending on the severity of the bring-down.
The first level, green, means that everything's copasetic. Engage in what you will, when you will, at your own discretion.
The second level, blue, means bummer. Increased intake of mood enhancers is encouraged, but never take more than you can handle. Exceeding normal dosages is not cool, dude.
The second level, yellow, means whoa, whoa, whoa, let's chill out. It's a good time to experiment with new, better-grade stuff. South America will be called upon to increase production and hopefully we can all just relax, no big deal, cool?
The third level, the current level, is "extremely high," and the color is yellow. At this time getting as much as you can and keeping a steady flow of easiness coming in is highly recommended. Hoarding, at long last, is cool. Even squares who usually get high on life are encouraged to experiment to forget their troubles.
After that, the highest color is red, and no contingency plan has been developed for that, but insiders are saying if that time comes and you have your hands on some hard stuff, indulge like the sky's falling, motherfucker.
Another color, purple, represents "narc." It is the only condition where even minor usage is highly discouraged. Before the condition passes, it should be ascertained that everyone in your company is cool. All possessions should be carefully hidden out of sight as long as the condition is in effect.
Before the interview with Weber could be concluded, this reporter was informed the condition had changed suddenly to purple without warning, and it would likely stay in effect as long as I was present in the room. the commune news is just wondering if you're holding, compadre—sure, we're cool. Bludney Pludd? No. He's not cool. Decidedly uncool. Let's ditch him.
| Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 March 3, 2003 I've Met the Alleged Woman of My DreamsYou've caught me on cloud nine, good people! With my pants down. But I assure you I was just scratching it. I can't be distracted by masturbation and not even depressed by the implication—Rok Finger may have met the possible woman of his dreams!
I'm not getting too ahead of myself, I guarantee you. I'm not saying this is the woman I'm going to marry, or I'm sure it's a woman. But I've met a very charming, loving, supportive possible woman and I can't wait to find out more about her/him. Hopefully her. Not to put all my eggs in one basket, but I haven't been this in love with a woman (hopefully) since my late wife Arvelyn. That bitch was never on time.
And Molga is punctual! For six days in a row I showed up on time in the chat room and she was there, just when...
º Last Column: Rok's Gotta Have It
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You've caught me on cloud nine, good people! With my pants down. But I assure you I was just scratching it. I can't be distracted by masturbation and not even depressed by the implication—Rok Finger may have met the possible woman of his dreams!
I'm not getting too ahead of myself, I guarantee you. I'm not saying this is the woman I'm going to marry, or I'm sure it's a woman. But I've met a very charming, loving, supportive possible woman and I can't wait to find out more about her/him. Hopefully her. Not to put all my eggs in one basket, but I haven't been this in love with a woman (hopefully) since my late wife Arvelyn. That bitch was never on time.
And Molga is punctual! For six days in a row I showed up on time in the chat room and she was there, just when she said she'd be. We talked and talked and talked the night away! Conversation with Molga was like conversation with myself! But half the work. She's every bit as confident, traditional, paranoid, and angry as I am. It's like I've met myself, with breasts. Hopefully breasts. They look like breasts in the picture.
Yes, I've seen her face—and I'm a believer. I believe in love, like only a miniature, stodgy, past-his-prime man in love can believe! She's not classically lovely, like the Sphinx, but her nose has been worn off by time in the same fashion. She has a beautiful, large brow, heavy reddish cheeks like two slabs of raw pork, and a smile as big as her heart and as wide as her neck. Oh, if she's a woman, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! That's what I told myself when I first saw her and I'm sticking to that.
For Molga and I it was love at first sight of her typeface. She was a lovely Times New Roman, I, a stern-but-sensitive Arial, yet we instantly recognized the extreme disgust for hippies and slackers in each other's words. We were drawn to each other across a crowded room, like two strangers wearing magnetic helmets and metal breastplates. From that first day we talked about our mutual disinterests and everything that should be wiped from the face of the earth with fire or genetic manipulation. Molga! The name just rolls off your lips, after tenderizing your tongue and busting out your front teeth.
For all my bitterness and black-hearted cynicism for the past few months, I have to admit, the Beatles were right: Everybody's got something to hide but me and my monkey. And my monkey is Molga. We're in love and want the world to know it, except for her boyfriend and family.
So Molga said we'll celebrate our one-week anniversary by meeting each other in person. She hopped a plane and is on the way to visit me here in the United States right this minute! Oh, how I pray for her quick arrival, and for her to be a woman. Once again I'm not entirely sure of the fact, but I have reasonable faith it is the case.
I asked the new commune stock Russian, Boris, if he knew Molga at all, since she is from the Ukraine. He speaks very little English, even less when you sneak up on him at the urinal, but I didn't garner as much that he's never met her. I figured it was a long shot, Russia's probably twice as big as Utah, if my map is any indicator. I did get that "Molga" translates as some kind of unusual fairy tale creature, that much I could gather. I'll have to ask her about it when she arrives; the best Boris could explain with his broken English was the word "Yeti."
Oh, Molga! I'll count the hours until you arrive! Especially if they have a "Delivered in 10 hours or your ride is free" policy of some sort. º Last Column: Rok's Gotta Have Itº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Christ on a bike! Did anybody else see that guy that looked just like Jesus Christ riding by on a bicycle a minute ago?”
-LeVonn MarthersFortune 500 CookieLast week was your best week; sorry we're late getting to you about that. From here on out, your life's gonna be shit on chips. Your dreams of becoming a major baseball star will be derailed this week by the fact that you couldn't hit a cow in the ass with a shovel. Stop using the term "Gay Bash," at once: it does not mean a fun party for homosexuals. This week's lucky Bings: Crosby, Chandler, Bada, cherries, the sound of a superball being shot out of an air cannon into an old woman's neck flap.
Try again later.Top 5 Worst Zen Koans| 1. | What is the sound of two dogs fucking? | | 2. | If a tree falls in the woods, doesn't it kill a shitload of ants? | | 3. | Say, what's the meaning of life? | | 4. | Worms have no eyebrows—think about that for a minute | | 5. | (tie) Where's the beef?/Shut the fuck up | |
|   Chess Master Kasparov Beaten by Level 2 Cleric BY roland mcshyster 2/17/2003 Howdy, America, and greetings from the land of prepaid calling cards. What could be more convenient than dialing eight thousand digits before making a long distance call? Nothing could! So why don't we all run out and buy an MCI prepaid calling card today? What's that? Well, you do whatever the hell you want; I'm buying a prepaid calling card. When your phone bill comes in the mail and you've got to drive around all night trying to find a place to buy stamps to mail it back in, we'll see who's laughing. Asshole.
Meanwhile, we're here taking a look at the best Hollywood has to offer. But before you say anything too harsh, remember that Hollywood has had a drinking problem for a while now and it's doing the best it can. So let's take a look at what they heaved behind our aza...
Howdy, America, and greetings from the land of prepaid calling cards. What could be more convenient than dialing eight thousand digits before making a long distance call? Nothing could! So why don't we all run out and buy an MCI prepaid calling card today? What's that? Well, you do whatever the hell you want; I'm buying a prepaid calling card. When your phone bill comes in the mail and you've got to drive around all night trying to find a place to buy stamps to mail it back in, we'll see who's laughing. Asshole.
Meanwhile, we're here taking a look at the best Hollywood has to offer. But before you say anything too harsh, remember that Hollywood has had a drinking problem for a while now and it's doing the best it can. So let's take a look at what they heaved behind our azaleas this week:
In Theaters
Cherdevil
The big hoopla this week is obviously about the release of this highly-anticipated comic book geek-out that fans have been waiting for since before they had a favorite brand of pimple cream. The concept is simple enough: Ben "Silver Spoons" Affleck plays a man who's a drag-queening Cher impersonator by day, camel-toed spandex superhero by night. Actually, I think drag queens mostly operate at night, too, so maybe it's the other way around: superhero by day, Cher look-alike by night. This poses an obvious problem, since most criminals operate by night as well, I guess because they're either sleeping or running Fortune 500 companies during the day. So while Affleck's out believing in life after love on the club scene all night, old ladies are getting mugged left and right and somebody's stealing all the dirt from under New York City or whatever. And during the day, all there is to do is catch tax cheats and people that jaywalk and don't tip parking valets. So everybody basically hates the guy, plus his spandex get-up leaves far too little to the imagination, so the parents' groups and gay pride gangs are all after his ass all the time. Luckily he has the fabulous club life to escape to at night, where he's a star and he doesn't have to listen to people complain about how he's the only superhero who doesn't validate parking.
How to Lose a Gut in 10 Days
Another film in the growing trend of weight-loss and diet movies that are becoming increasingly popular these days. While I can't argue against the fact that the market is there, since Americans are so fat the Rocky Mountains keep getting taller every year, I'm not sure how many more of these movies I can sit through. After the early successes of such films as The Dead Zone Diet and You've Got to Fight For Your Right to Eat Right For Your Blood Type, Hollywood has really gone hog wild with a shitty stream of knock-offs: The Schwarzenegger All-Beef Diet, My Big Fat Gross Ass, Steven Seagal Kicks the Shit Out of Carbohydrates andThe Eat Like Ringo Starr in Caveman Diet. This one is more of the same. Matthew McConaughey does a good job acting fat, and then acting not-fat, but I still think he'll lose out on the fat/not-fat Oscar to Rush Limbaugh, who's been making acting fat look effortless for years.
The Jungle Book 2
The gut-wrenching sequel to Upton Sinclair's tell-all book about the meatpacking industry in Chicago is a surprise release from Disney this year. One would think the public outcry after the first film (a harrowing montage of loveable bears, tigers and baboobs being processed into bologna sandwiches) would have scared the company off. Or at least would have convinced them to sell-out on the sequel, making it all about singing roast beefs and the happy times at the meatpacking plant. But you've got to hand it to that giant mouse; he's gone straight for the jugular again with another melee of carnage that'll turn your stool pink. You have to wonder about the product tie-in deals for this movie, though, are kids really going to be clamoring for the McBaloo burger once they realize they're chewing on some loveable singing bear's ass? And as good as the film is, the title really is pretty unforgivably heavy-handed. I hate when they have to beat us over the head with the fact that a movie is adapted from a book, but I guess it's only fair since nobody reads anymore. I hear watching movies that are inspired by books counts for college credits these days, which I think is an improvement on the old system.
Well, that's all they gave us to work with this time around, unless they snuck another teen slasher movie by while nobody was manning the store. We'll be back in two more weeks, just as long as Hollywood keeps pumping out the movies the way Shakey's turns out the pizza: hot 'n nasty.    |
